Monday, June 20, 2011

The Ultimate Warrior Gives Hulk Hogan A Verbal Beatdown - Part One

It finally happened. After weeks of anticipation, The Warrior finally delivered on his promise that karma was coming to collect on Hulk Hogan. He had shown us some choice excerpts to whet our appetite, but on Friday, he released all 57 minutes, split up into nine parts, on his website and YouTube.

I know when I really hate people, it takes me about five minutes of pure verbal abuse before I'm worn out. So when Warrior first spoke of this video, I assumed that, at most, half of it would be dissing Hogan, and he'd tackle some other topics along the way. Nope. Warrior has 57 minutes of video, and 55 minutes of pure hatred for Hulk Hogan. His hatred of Hulk Hogan is 11 times my hatred of any other person. And that doesn't even count that he had someone edit this, meaning they actually cut some of his hatred out. Yes, The Ultimate Warrior is incredibly awesome.

Before I get into this, I want to give a warning to everyone out there. If you start watching this, you will not be able to stop.

PART ONE:

The Warrior is very wise, so he starts off the video by establishing his credibility and diminishing any credibility from Hulk Hogan and any of his friends. He is the only person who has become an adult. The rest of them still act like selfish children.

The Warrior is clearly above other people in the wrestling business, so he states that he doesn't care about the wrestling business.

Next, he brings up how ridiculous it is that Hulk Hogan doesn't acknowledge his impact on the business. He's also pissed about Renegade. I'm hoping he meant this version...
Because I absolutely love this version...
Lorenzo Lamas was a badass. But I digress.

Warrior also hates somebody named Trident or Triton or Trytan. I don't remember the guy, but it seems as though it was another Ultimate Warrior copycat. 

Simple minded people would say that this is a contradiction, but true Warriors would realize that he both doesn't care about the wrestling business but needs to mention that Hulk should recognize his contribution to the business, while laughing at their failed attempts to copy his gimmick. It's called a Clothesline of Creativity, try to keep up. Speaking of Clotheslines of Creativity, here is the best quote from part one:

“I do own a piece of your psyche. And if I do, then all the Ultimate Warrior fans do too.”

Hell fucking yeah. I own a piece of Hulk Hogan's psyche. It's totally badass being a Warrior. Onto Part Two.

PART TWO:
Part Two was probably the strongest part of the entire series of videos, but there were a lot of things that were in his highlight video that he released a couple weeks before this video. I will only briefly touch on those things, like this quote on Hulk Hogan's open marriage:

"I bet I'm the only guy who ever said no to doing your wife."

I don't know where I'll ever be able to use that, but god damn, I sure would like to tell somebody that before I die.

Hulk Hogan apparently loves drugs. Here is the proof.
Hulk Hogan said this all the time “A day without smoking pot is like a day without sunshine.”
There are days where Hulk does nothing but snort cocaine.

Hulk Hogan hides drugs in his fanny pack.

Juvy Juice, which is not to be confused with Juvie Juice. It's actually Rejuvenation Juice and it amps up the dopamine levels, gets you really high, and it can kill you. Hulk had it in a half gallon bottle. 

1. Wrestlers come up with the coolest phrases ever.
2. I have doubted fanny packs for a long time, but it appears that they may be pretty damn awesome. I guess I should have bought that leather American Flag fanny pack when I had the chance.
3. I'll stick with Juvie Juice instead of Juvy Juice.

After this, the Warrior gets bored with Hulk's drug habits and starts to attack his look. He is not impressed with somebody wearing a do-rag at almost sixty years old. Warrior also says that Hulk wears 50 cent sunglasses. Those are not to be confused with 50 Cent sunglasses.
He then talks about Hogan's flap of extensions.The Ultimate Warrior cannot contain his laughter after telling the world this. I would argue that the following is probably the greatest clothesline of creativity in the entire video series:

"If you lift the flap of extensions on the back of Hulk's neck, you would find The Wizard of Oz. I was only partially right, you would find the scarecrow, the tin man, and the lion, because you don't have a brain, you don't have a heart, and you have absolutely no fucking courage."

That's what we in the industry like to call a "BURN."

But my favorite part of the video was one of the few times where he took a break from bashing Hogan. When Warrior sees a combover or overweight people, he says, “there's some serious character flaws, serious lack of character happening there.” Ultimate Warrior HATES fat people (and bald people too).

PART THREE:

There are only two things of note in this part.
First off, when The Warrior says, “I want to wrap this thing up.” This loses a little luster, considering there are still five more parts and a bonus video after this.

Second, Warrior just cited Macho Man's rap album, and agreed with the song, “Be A Man” because it tells Hulk to...um, Be A Man.

And that wraps up part one of my analysis of The Ultimate Warrior's "Karma's Coming To Collect" videos. Tune in tomorrow for part two.

Your Founding Father of Hottness,

Hott Joe

P.S. Jose Canseco LOVES chandeliers, or chandeleers:
Jose Canseco

Lake house has no chandeleers and I need some. Any light company want to trade 2 or 3 for signed bat or any game worn piece of equipment.

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