Monday, July 11, 2011

The Dumbest Stripper I Have Ever Met

So I went to a wedding on Saturday, and it turned out very well. I had a great time, made up a new West Coast Dance move where I pretend to search through drawers looking for something to wear; the ladies went wild for it. I was invited to go to a party full of sexy singles after the reception, and sure, I could have gone and let my dancin' lead to romancin', but I chose to go my own path.

I met up with some friends who were out celebrating a buddy's birthday, and they immediately wanted to head to a strip club that I had never been to but was very familiar with. I had heard many stories about this place, so the thought of heading there made me queasy. Things only went downhill from there.

My favorite thing about strippers is unintentional comedy, but at the strip club, there is a very fine line between humor and things that make you want to vomit. This place was full of the latter.

When we walk in, I look up to the stage and see a 200 pound girl wearing nothing but a thong bikini. It was at that moment that I wanted to go from brown out to black out, but my attempts proved useless, as I remember nearly everything.

The 200 pound stripper didn't disgust me nearly as much as the stripper that I had the unfortunate opportunity to have a conversation with. I remember that she was ugly and ethnic looking, but she could have been Asian, Mexican, or even Canadian. None of that matters, because as bad as she looked, her personality was 1000 times worse.

I don't know how she got into this topic, but she claimed that she has sex for ten straight hours. My initial thought was that she laid there while dudes took turns pounding her for ten hours. She claimed she was active throughout the ten hours. I immediately called her on her bullshit. I'm not sure if I have done any single thing for ten hours straight in the last year. I haven't watched TV for ten straight hours, I haven't played video games for ten straight hours, hell, I can't even sleep for ten straight hours. But this random hog is able to actively bang for ten straight hours? Come on, let's be real here.

She then tried to prove it by saying there are guys who will back up her story, but that's absolutely ridiculous, because of course whatever ass clown she calls up will say they banged for ten hours. If I got a call from a girl I knew, and she said, "Hey, I'm having a conversation with this guy and he doesn't believe me when I say that I only have sex with beautiful men with ripped bodies, will you confirm that you are beautiful and have the body of a god?" Even if it wasn't true, of course I am going to respond with yes, because it makes me look great. It proves absolutely nothing.

Finally, after repeatedly telling her that she was full of shit and making it very clear that there was not enough alcohol in the world for me to have sex with her, she left and my night immediately got better.

Ladies, if you're interested in 10 hours of sex with me, don't be, because unless I can play a game of Madden on your tits, I'm going to get bored with it. Sure, I understand why people embellish stories to make themselves appear more interesting, but I don't need to, because I really am this damn amazing.

-Joe

P.S. Here's a Coors Light commercial where JCVD promotes beer and West Coast Dance:

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