Over a year ago, I wrote about how awful hipsters are and touched on what douchebaggery it takes to "Ice" one of your "bros". To quickly recap, here is the important excerpt from that article:
"V. They love irony. God damnit, do they love irony. Hence, you'll see them with super cool facial hair. They don't grow facial hair to look good, they do it to look back at historical facial hair to show how amusing it was. God, hipsters really need to go fuck themselves.
Another form of being ironic was just brought to my attention early last week. I came across it, thought, "Wow, people are turning into bigger douchebags than I ever thought possible." Luckily, it was so douchey that I never thought I would come across this situation. Then, on Friday, I saw groomsmen from my sister's wedding doing it to my new brother in law. After that, I got a message bringing up this phenomena and saying that I have been warned. I couldn't fucking believe it. I hope everyone who has done this realizes that this is hipster behavior. What is this behavior? Something called Bros Icing Bros. It is people who give their buddy a Smirnoff Ice, and he has to chug it while taking a knee or be banished from the icing game. Really guys? It's "hilarious" because Smirnoff Ice is so shitty, and you're making your buddy drink it. Oh wait, only total douchebags would find that entertaining. Just so everybody knows, if you "ice" me, you're just going to waste the $4 that it costs to buy a Smirnoff. I won't drink it, I won't give a shit if you whine about it, it'll simply go to waste or you can drink it. Enjoy that swill, hipster.
It's not that hard to create a game like that. I can create a game called Bros Getting Bros Shitty. When having a great time with your friends, you shit into a bowl or cup and present it to your buddy. Your buddy has to eat that shit unless he shows that he's actually already shit his pants. Let the good times roll, assclowns."
I will quickly acknowledge that my Bros Getting Bros Shitty idea absolutely blows Bros Icing Bros out of the water. Bros Icing Bros is something only a goddamned hipster would do, and I thought this fad would fade out rather quickly, because you'd have to be an absolute tool to do it. Unfortunately, it has not.
I was out drinking this weekend, and all of the people that I was with are good, fun people. That's what makes this story so sad to me. A couple of the people decided to surprise my buddy with an icing when they presented him with a 24 ounce Smirnoff Ice. Everyone I was with thought this was awesome and one of the most fun things they have ever witnessed. Although I find this behavior reprehensible, it didn't affect me, so I had no reason to worry about it.
Then, shit changed.
They proposed an idea, and the idea frankly scared the shit out of me. Their idea of a good time would be to ice everyone at their wedding reception so everyone would "hilariously" chug a Smirnoff Ice on one knee. They thought it would be so awesome, because they force everyone to drink that before letting them drink anything else.
This is the worst idea since...nope, it's the worst idea ever. Blowing a dolphin is a better idea than this. If I found out that a wedding reception was going to do this, I could be the best man, and I would still skip it. If you try to surprise me with this, not only will I immediately leave your wedding, I will search through the gifts and take mine back, because at that point, it will be clear to me that you do not deserve a hilarious and/or cheap card with $20 in it.
So don't do that for your wedding. In fact, don't do that at all. If you ice me and you're lucky, I will politely decline. If you are unlucky, I will proceed to pour the Smirnoff out on the floor while giving you the middle finger. I will then have someone throw me two Natural Lights, and I will open them, smash them together and drink them Stone Cold style. Drinking beers like Stone Cold Steve Austin is both hilarious and awesome, making it the total opposite of Bros Icing Bros.
And if you still want to "Ice" me, be prepared for a rousing game of Bros Getting Bros Shitty, and trust me, in that game, there are no winners.
P.S. SBNation got an interview with the world's most famous Cardinals fan, and it may be my favorite interview of all time. I also highly recommend that you check out his Twitter account, as it's a mixture of creepy adoration of Ryan Theriot and blatant racism. In case you're unfamiliar, here is a picture of this St. Louis Legend: