Thursday, September 15, 2011

Fearlessness Is My Game

I can't help it.

I keep getting away with shit.

I have been saying things to girls where I should be getting slapped in the face. Instead, they just love me for it. Ladies, this needs to stop. You are only stroking my oversized ego, and that is never a good idea. Every weekend I push it further and further, and I do it without fear, because I have learned a simple formula where no matter what I say I will come across as a great guy who they will fall madly in love with.

This really needs to stop.

With that being said, let me break it down for you with my words in normal font, and my thoughts italicized, so you too, can run game like Hott Joe.

Hi ladies.

Although I usually enjoy addressing females as broads, this is a time for politeness.

Okay, this is embarrassing...

This is a blatant lie. I'm just saying this, because I am about to say something hilarious that I am not the least bit embarrassed by.

It's my buddy's [insert special occasion].

This is both the nicest and meanest part of my plan. It's the meanest, because I am about to absolutely bury my buddy, but it's nice, because he has an excuse since it's his birthday, anniversary, bachelor party, etc. The only thing that matters is that the girls cannot get mad at me, because what I'm about to ask them is not for me, it's for my buddy.

Oh, wow, I'm so embarrassed to ask this.

This is just to reiterate that I'm an innocent, nice guy who just wants to do something nice for his buddy. At this point, I'll usually give a slight pause where they will inevitably try to pry the question out of me. Now what I am about to ask is not just the fault of my buddy, but it's the girl's fault as well, because they made sweet, innocent me ask a question that I was SOOOO embarrassed to say.

He wanted me to see if I could find any girls who would flash him.

You can really go with any lewd act here, but flashing has the highest probability of success. Whether they do it or not, I win. If they do flash, then that's titties for me without paying cover charge at a strip club. If you've done it right, they will always, and I do mean always, give you a slight pause before saying no. This is not the time to try to plow through for those titties, instead, show some class.

I totally understand if you say no, but it's my buddy's [special occasion] and I promised him that I would try for him.

Here, I can exit with class. Maybe they'll have a few more drinks and decide that my offer was a pretty good idea. Maybe they'll give me the consolation prize of body shots, maybe they'll give me the grand prize and take me home, I don't know, but my options are still wide open. And yes, those girls will be interested in me later on. But the true beauty of this entire plan is that I have now enabled myself to hit on any group of girls at the bar. In fact, I have forced myself to hit on every group of girls in that bar...because as far as those girls know, I'm just being a good friend, trying to make his buddy's (perverted) dreams come true.

Yeah, sometimes, my genius even scares me.

-Hott Joe

P.S. Why not end this post with a picture of a bear cub hugging a dog?

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