Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Let's Check In With Jose Canseco

It's been a long time since I have had a Jose Canseco inspired post, so I felt it was time to catch the world up on what he has been up to over the last six weeks. Plus, it's always good to stay true to your roots, and even if the Ultimate Warrior keeps spouting off amazing diatribes, there will always be a place for Canseco at this blog. It's been too long Jose; let's catch up.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
How can u put a restraining order on someone u havnt seen in 4 months and lives in another state
Jose, I have great news. I don't think you need the restraining order if you haven't seen them in four months and they live in another state. I think this problem has already taken care of itself.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
A broken heart is knd of like a broken bat you can use it again but it will never be the same
That is maybe the deepest thing I have ever heard in my life.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
It takes 2 men to make a brother
Actually, I think it takes a man and a woman. Sometimes two sexual acts, but in your case, just one.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
I hope they have twitter in heaven
That's the first thing I'm checking in the afterlife. If I don't find Twitter, I'll know that I'm clearly in hell.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
Roses r red violets r blue my x is a pot head and so is her boo
I've never been much of a poetry guy, but this has shown me that poetry is easy, and people are always more likely to believe things that rhyme. I mean, when I read this, I didn't doubt for a second that his ex-girlfriend and her new boo are both potheads. I might charm a lady with, "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're only a nine, so how about we screw?" I could also go with, "Roses are red, violets are blue, you look kinda desperate, so it's butt stuff for you."

Yeah, after writing that poem, there is no chance that I will have Twitter in the afterlife.


P.S. More and more people are catching on to how awesome Canseco's Twitter account is. Now Funny or Die is jumping in on the action, although they'll never have the bond that Jose and I have.

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