Thursday, September 22, 2011

Wedding Week - The Predictions

Yesterday, I gave everyone a preview of the festivities about to take place for my buddy's wedding. Today I would like to give my predictions for this wedding weekend. I've got a few quick predictions before I get to the main event of questions, and that is predicting who will win this weekend.

Will any of the bachelors have any success with ladies this weekend?
Let's break this one down one by one.

Cory - No. This is a man who made out with a 200 wildebeest on New Year's Eve, and then had the audacity to arrogantly ask us, "So, did anybody else score at midnight?" Needless to say, eight years later, we have not let him forget about this. So no, I don't expect him to score at midnight, or any other time for that matter.

DW - Not partying until Friday, so his chances of finding a lady are theoretically less than the rest of us. But, in theory and in practice are two separate things, so I'm guessing he'll have about a half dozen girls pursuing him throughout this weekend. His abnormally high standards will probably prevent him from closing the deal on anything, so I'll go with a no on this one as well.

Hott Joe - Could I flash some game? Possibly. Could I show my charm and heart of gold to some lucky lady? Maybe. Still, I am highly doubting that I do any of this. Here's the thing with our group of friends, we make each other worse people. In a small group, we can wander off and actually communicate with women, but when we all get together, it just becomes a competition to see who can say or do the most hilarious thing to a girl.

So, no, I don't think any of the swinging bachelors are going to find Mrs. Right or Miss Right Now this weekend.

Who will get hurt if we start fighting?
Cory. Cory is the guy who will refuse to participate in our childish activities, and someone will either roll into him and sprain his ankle, or somebody will throw their hands up in the air to celebrate a victory and elbow him right in the face, probably breaking his nose. Cory has no luck in life; nobody expects that to change.

How drunk will we be for the rehearsal dinner?
We have been told to not drink before the rehearsal, but we are idiots. When you tell idiots what to do, we do the opposite to show that we are alpha males who play by our own rules. Still, this Lady Pastor seems scary as shit, so my prediction is that we will only have a few beers in us when we practice the wedding.

How long will The Groom take to get The Bride's garter?
Give him 6-8 beers and it could take all night, but I'm guessing he won't be drunk enough at this point in the evening and will be done in 29-42 seconds.

Most importantly, who will win the weekend?
I can't give exact odds on this, so I will instead rank from 10-1 who has the best chance of winning this weekend.

10. The Field - There's going to be a lot of crazy people there, and I'm guaranteeing I don't know about all the crazy people that are going to be there for this thing. Not only are there going to be some off-the-wall cousins, but The Groom is a groundskeeper. Have you ever had a conversation with a groundskeeper? It's like being on LSD, you never know where the trip is going to take you next.

9. Cory - Our buddy's greatest life accomplishment is scoring at midnight. The only reason he's higher than the field is because his failures have conditioned him to have low expectations, so even the smallest successes seem like a Super Bowl victory for him. I wouldn't expect him to even have those small successes this weekend.

8. The Groom - He's getting married. If the person getting married has the best weekend, then we, as his friends did not do our job.

7. The Bride - Our buddy is not getting cold feet on this one, and that's why she's higher. Although we know her, we don't KNOW if she's going to go through with this thing. I never saw the movie Runaway Bride, but it always looked like fun to run away from a wedding. The odds of her doing this are extremely low, but if she steals a cop car to run away from the wedding, that would definitely earn her the title of winner of the weekend. I still wouldn't bet on her.

6. Chad - Him and the old lady live together, so the chances of him ditching her are very low. Nothing against girlfriends as they bring a lot of consistent joy to a man's life, but it's going to be pretty damn difficult to win a weekend when you got the old ball and chain around. No offense to Chad's old lady.

5. Chris - Had a girlfriend last time I checked, but when was the last time I checked? A really long time ago (like a month), because guys don't talk about this stuff. If he's single, he could compete for the top spot, but I'm guessing he'll be bringing his broad to this shindig. No offense to Chris's old lady.

4. DW - One of the two swinging bachelors out of the groomsmen (Cory doesn't count), he has great potential on paper. He's coming in town from San Diego, which does give him the added advantage that he will not run into any of these people anytime soon. But as I said before, I do not expect the cornfed ladies of Iowa will be up to his usually high standards.

3. Scottie - The Best Man is married with a child, so most would think that he would have to be responsible. That would usually make sense, but the baby and wife have been left behind, so the chances of him doing something awesome are extremely high. He has an alter ego named Chase Collins. The thing about Chase is there are probably people who party harder than him, but I have yet to see a person party better than him. People who don't know him find him offensive and endearing all at once.

2. Hott Joe - I'm single, don't care about anything, have nothing to lose, and the ladies love me more and more as time goes on. I was shocked to see myself only ranked as number two on this list (a list I created), as I really feel I am the total package when it comes to winning the weekend. Unfortunately, there is one person who still ranks ahead of me.

1. Tripod Dave - Tripod Dave is one of the Groom's groundskeeping buddies. I had the pleasure of meeting him a couple weekends ago during the first bachelor party. Is he awesome? Yeah, get past his goofy son-of-a-bitch looks, and let the good times roll. Plus, he was our designated driver, can't beat that. Is he a pathological liar? Definitely, as he regaled us with stories of his sexual prowess with the ladies which were all blatantly false. He swears that once the ladies get a piece of Dave, they can't get enough, so I started introducing him as Tripod Dave to any girl I could find. Surprisingly no ladies took him home, although he did spend a straight hour of coming and going from private dances at the strip club. Is he mentally handicapped? Could be. Yep, Tripod Dave is a triple threat. He's awesome, he's a liar, and there's something in his brain that just ain't right. Watch out ladies, TD is my pick to win the weekend.

-Joe

P.S. Ladies, this song perfectly sums up what I am currently looking for in a potential mate.

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