Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Wedding Week - The Preview

My buddy DW had a novel idea for me. Since one of our friends is getting married this week, it might lead to some interesting reading for everyone out there. For starters, a little background on our buddy that is making the plunge. You know that buddy that you have that always does the most ridiculous shit imaginable. Multiply him by ten, and you've got The Groom. We all love the guy, but to say that we haven't taken advantage of his intoxication for our own entertainment would be a blatant lie.

Although we're all a little disappointed that The Groom is done with his single life, which, by the way, led to some epic failures on his part, we're also very happy that he found a female that wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. The Bride is clearly a saint, because I can guarantee The Groom has told her everything about his past. This guy cannot keep an embarrassing secret to himself. It's fantastic.

But let's get to the festivities to give everyone a preview of what's going down.

Thursday - Bachelor Party
We've already given this guy one bachelor party, but we had to have two to give everybody a chance to say goodbye to a single version of The Groom. On Thursday, just me, The Best Man, and The Groom are going to play a round of golf in the afternoon. We'll have a few brews there, but then we're going to grill out and have a few more brews. More and more people are going to join us along the way as we tear up the local bar scene. It will be a very drunken night where a lot of weird stuff will probably go on, and yet this is the night that the responsible people of the wedding (Bride, bride's parents, groom's parents, pastor) probably feel the safest about, but we'll get to that later. We'll get drunk, we'll raise a little hell, and we'll go home...alone to sleep off our inebriation.

Friday - A Day With Nothing To Do/Rehearsal Dinner
A lot of people, whether in the wedding party or not seem to be taking this Friday off since they know they will not be able to wake up in time for work after what goes down Thursday. This means there will be a lot of idiots getting together with no real plans to speak of. How drunk can all of us get throughout the day with nothing better to do? VERY.

But here's the thing. Weeks ago, we were already warned that The Pastor said that we cannot be drunk for the rehearsal. My friends and I all had the same response when we heard this, "If we're not drunk for the rehearsal, how are we supposed to be ready for the wedding?" It's like a football team practicing without ever putting pads on until gameday. Sure, we'll know the basic concepts, but trying to walk down an aisle is way easier sober than it is when you are already browning out.

Needless to say, The Groom is freaking out about us having a whole day to ourselves with nothing to do. As the gift to his groomsmen, I could see him giving us prostitutes on Friday to distract us from excessive alcohol consumption (and Groom, if you're reading this, I don't bang prostitutes, only high class escorts, so you better fork over the cash for my broad).

But there is the chance that we don't drink as, for the first time ever, we actually respect our buddy's wishes. This could end up worse as we are idiots, and we'll probably end up fighting each other all day to waste the day away. If I had to make a guess, the fighting won't end until somebody is seriously injured.

There's also the other option where we get drunk and start fighting. That probably won't end until there is a clear champion which means nobody is making it to the rehearsal dinner unscathed.

So onto that whole rehearsal thing. Hopefully we'll rehearse without The Lady Pastor realizing that we tied one off before practice. For the dinner afterwards, they got a pony keg for us to drink. I really hope everybody gets their drinks early, because once my idiot buddies and I are done with out meals, we'll probably do kegstands until that thing is cashed.

After that, The Groom may come out with us, but as we will get disgustingly drunk, he will have to stay sober and responsible, because he really can't blow this chance to lock down a quality lady. During our debauchery, there is a good chance that I still try to snag myself a last second date for the wedding. Unfortunately, there are a very small percentage of thoroughbred dimepieces in the area, so we'll probably all remain single for another day.

Saturday - Wedding Day
Us not being drunk during at least part of this weekend seems like a reasonable request. In fact, I'll go as far to say that it is a reasonable request. But that doesn't mean that it's going to happen. We're going to have a few beers on Saturday, and they should be thanking us for showing any restraint. It's a college football Saturday, the Hawkeyes are playing about an hour away from where we're at. There's nothing stopping us (outside of finding a sober driver) from waking up at 5 AM, driving to Iowa City, tailgating until the game starts at 11, and then driving back to town, heading to a bar, and catching the rest of the game.

Now, we're (probably) not going to do it, but I just want to put it out there that the thought has crossed our minds, so everyone involved in these two lovely people getting married should not be angry if we've had a few too many, but proud, that we are still able to stand and walk down an aisle with decent acumen.

So then there's the wedding, which I heard was going to be short, but I could have completely made up in my own mind. Anyway, if it's not short, there's a good chance I get belligerent and call the Lady Pastor, "Toots" (one of my life mottoes is "When in doubt, do as The Diceman does").

So the wedding ends, there was probably some other wedding stuff before or after the wedding, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Needless to say, I ain't sweating it.

Now it's time for the reception. The Groom has promised us "Some Bomb Ass Food," so I plan on eating like a king, a drunken, sexually harassing king, but a king nonetheless. The dinner will also serve another purpose. Sitting up front at the head table will give my single buddies and I an excellent chance to scan the room for ladies worthy of our seduction. If there's one thing I love about my buddies, it's their dedication to teamwork. Sure, some of my friends are tied down in committed relationships, but they can still be wingmen, and if we fancy a lady who already has a man, well, he can step aside, or suffer the consequences. Hooray teamwork.

And we'll proceed to tear that wedding apart. The Groomsmen and Friends (which would be the most badass superheroes ever) will not only drink harder, dance harder, and party harder than anybody else there; we will drink, dance, and party harder than anybody they have ever seen.

-Joe

P.S. Watch The Ultimate Fighter tonight. I will be showing blatant homerism and cheering for the guys from Jackson's MMA. At 145, my boy is Diego Brandao. At 135, and this is very important, cheer for John Dodson. He's awesome. He was one of my primary coaches when I was training at Jackson's. He taught me at least half of what I know and put me through the most miserable conditioning sessions of my life. But he's an awesome guy, and I guarantee that he beats some ass on this show. Trust me, everyone is going to be hopping on this guy's bandwagon by the end of this show, so get on before it's too late.

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