Thursday, October 13, 2011

Wedding Week - The Recap

Okay, I admit this is horribly late, but after giving a two part preview (Part One and Part Two) of a wedding, I never came back and actually reported what went down over those three alcohol-filled days. The reason it took so long is it has taken this long for me to wash the shame and disgust off my body from that weekend. So here's what happened (to the best of my recollection):

Thursday - Bachelor Party
Scottie, The Groom, and I went out and played a round of golf to waste away our afternoon before grilling out that evening. A lot of good people showed up to grill out and then we headed to the bars to drink more heavily. This actually wasn't too wild of a night. The highlights included me humping butts on the dance floor and DW flashing some game (and his credit card) while seducing a very attractive young lady (and paying for her drinks). My prediction highlight happened on this night (which you can see in part two), as two of our buddies were wrestling around outside of the bar, and Cory was the one knocked to ground, giving us great laughs as he bled on the pavement.

I know this sounds like a weak bachelor party, but it was the second bachelor party, and the first one got pretty ugly. Actually, come to think of it, although this one was better, it wasn't a smooth night for The Groom as he immediately fell on his face when we dropped him off that night.

Friday - Rehearsal/Rehearsal Dinner
Luckily for The Groom, we did the responsible thing and got wasted on Thursday night. This meant that none of us were totally amped up to get completely wasted during the day on Friday. DW and I hit the gym, because we're god damn champions, and it's a good way to get through a hangover. But late in the afternoon, we definitely spent a few hours drinking and playing shuffleboard before the rehearsal as no Lady Pastor (or any lady for that matter) will boss me around. We just didn't turn it into an all-day drinkathon. I am sure it didn't look conspicuous at all that when we arrived at the church, all of us sprinted towards the bathroom to relieve ourselves; they probably just thought we were well hydrated.

When we get there, The Lady Pastor introduces herself. I start applauding, because I am an asshole, and Lady Pastor gives me an unfriendly look. She then goes into her lecture, but her lecture sounded more like a challenge to me. She told us that we should not drink the night before the wedding, because she was once at a wedding where two of the groomsmen drank so much they missed the wedding the next day. But here's the thing, the wedding was scheduled for 4:00. There's no way we'll get so shit-faced to miss a wedding at 4:00. We're not amateurs. My next thought was that I really wanted to one-up that wedding where two groomsmen missed it. That way, we would become legendary as she warned future weddings that she was once at a wedding where five groomsmen and an usher missed the wedding. Lady Pastor, it is time to give up on that speech as it only encouraged us to drink more.

Then we heard the bullshit news. For a 4:00 wedding, we needed to arrive at the church at 1:00 so we can put on our tuxes to have our flower pinned on. They actually expected us to sit in our tuxes for three hours before the wedding. But we'll get to that story when the time comes.

After that, we went to the rehearsal dinner. I knew both of the bartenders working that evening. This meant that my idiot buddies and I received preferential treatment the entire night, and preferential treatment is my favorite type of treatment. The food was good, and the drinks were flowing as we sat at the cool table and everyone else stared at us with jealous eyes.

Everybody but our cool table was asked to leave, so we stayed at the establishment and pounded more beers that were on the house, because the bartenders love me, and were super impressed with how awesome all of my friends and I are. Since I am a gentleman, I was doing random acts of kindness by helping them clean up. But unfortunately, I was being too nice, and I grabbed three bottles of liquor to put away. I proceeded to step on a wet spot on the floor. I then felt myself parallel with the floor, but about four feet above it. As I realized that I did not suddenly attain the ability to fly and my body was going to come crashing down to the ground, I set one goal. I was not going to allow these bottles to break. So as my back crashed hard against the ground, I held up all three bottles above my body to protect them from any danger. It was not a shining moment for me, but I was reminded of a valuable lesson. Some would experience that moment and think to watch where they step, but I remembered a more valuable lesson: Nice guys finish last. Needless to say, I don't plan on doing anything nice anytime soon. And no, this would not be my most shameful moment of the weekend, but we'll get to that later.

Since being able to get up from flat-backing it meant that I was not drunk enough, we proceeded to pound more alcohol. DW showed the most hustle by laying an excessive amount of game on a girl with a boyfriend. Despite his great attempts, both he and I were left alone at the end of the night. We finally left the bar, and he texted his sister to pick us up. DW thought this was sufficient to get us a ride, but his sister never actually responded to the text, you know since it was 2:00 AM, and she was sleeping. So about fifteen minutes later, I luckily asked him if she ever actually responded and he said no like that wasn't a problem. He then called and got a hold of her. During this whole fiasco, we took turns passing out on a bench outside of the bar, because we are winners and that is what winners do.

Saturday - The Wedding
I woke up and went for a run, again, to burn off that hangover before it was time to start drinking again. We knew we needed to be at the church at 1:00, so we went to a bar called Gunchie's that was a block away from the church around 11:00 so we could get some alcohol in our system before having our flowers pinned on.

With only three other people at the bar at 11:00, we were the life of the party, and everyone was sad to see us go at 1:00. The Groom and his little brother actually decided to get in their tuxes at 1:00 for the 4:00 wedding. We merely put on our jackets until we could get our flower pinned on. The flower lady was obviously late, which definitely angered us as we knew this was just a ploy to keep us sober for the wedding. Luckily, we had planned for this as well, so we went to get fresh air, and by fresh air, I mean slam the beers that we had in the cooler in DW's vehicle.

After getting our flowers pinned on, we needed to get food so we wouldn't pass out from starvation during the wedding. Not even the wedding planner could come up with an excuse for us to not get food. Although she did say, "Just don't go to Gunchie's," which Chris immediately responded to with, "What? They don't have food at Gunchie's?" Another point for us against the evil duo of Lady Wedding Planner and Lady Pastor.

So we hit the bar, order a pizza and start playing drinking games, because if we only normally drink, we won't be drunk enough to enjoy the wedding. Somehow, I convince two broads to meet up with us, because they saw us on Thursday and are infatuated with how amazing of people we are. So we drink with them for a while, and then our pizza is ready so we head back to the church to mow down on some food and finally get in our tuxes.

Since we have a good buzz going, we're all in good spirits. This is why we should always drink before doing anything where people will see us, because we will be a ton more fun. The wedding gets going, and I am beaming (because of the alcohol), but after standing up there for a while, I begin sweating profusely. I thought maybe I drank too much, so my only thought was not to pass out while I was standing up there. Okay, that's a lie, as I was also hoping that this guy giving some sort of speech would have stuck to one analogy instead of three LENGTHY analogies that really dragged on. Luckily, after the ceremony ended, I realized that I wasn't the only person who thought they were going to pass out from the heat as most of the other guys were handling it worse than me.

Then we took some pictures. I looked very attractive in all of them, not much else to say about that.

Then it was reception time. We took a round of shots before making our entrance. I had my bridesmaid right on my back like I was Lil' Sebastian as I was far more mini-horse than I was a pony. Like everything I do, it went over gangbusters.

We drank, we ate, I talked to adults for a while, and then I browned out. Then I drank more and blacked out. From many people's retellings of the evening, I have concluded the Top 5 spots for winning the weekend.

5. The Groom - He got married, didn't embarrass himself, and that has to be considered an ideal performance for him. Congratulations buddy.

4. Hott Joe - Shockingly low for me, and I'll admit, I'm disappointed in my performance. Flat-backing it hurts me, but getting us free beer after the rehearsal dinner earns me a ton of bonus points. I also got some broads to meet up with us, so anytime that my friends and I don't appear gay to the outside world, it's a huge success. But, I may or may not have gotten naked after the reception in the middle of a hallway in the hotel it was being held at. Originally, I was horribly embarrassed by this, but I have since decided that I have nothing to be ashamed of (trust me, ladies), and it was not my bad decision that caused this, it was the bad decision of others. First off, I was fed way too many shots. This is my weakness in drinking, and after two shots, I am going to stop displaying human behavior. Next off, instead of letting me continue to party in my tuxedo, they insisted that we take our tuxes off, because they did not trust us to return our tuxes. So yes, it was not my idea to start stripping down, but the idea of others. That I stripped down and possibly took off my pink boxer briefs should have been expected at that time in the evening. Still, I got naked in the middle of a hotel, so giving myself a medal for this weekend just wouldn't have been an honest judging of everyone's performance.

3. DW - I gotta give him credit, DW put it down over the weekend. He was laying down game and not giving a fuck, so congratulations to him. He's still got the broad from Thursday night texting him, but he hasn't heard from the girl with the boyfriend. She must still be looking for the right way to break it to her boyfriend.

2. Tripod Dave - I was shocked that he didn't win the weekend, because this man had a great time. Tripod Dave had more hustle than DW. If you had a sister there, he hit on her. If you had a girlfriend, he hit on her. Fiance? He hit on her. Wife? He hit on her. Mom? He hit on her. Hell, you could be grinding on a girl in the middle of the dance floor, and he would ask to cut in. The balls on this guy. On nearly any other weekend, I would have given it to him, but there was a monumental performance on Saturday night, and that is why he is only number two.

1. The Field - Mainly, a man named Adam. Before this man's performance, I thought I had some weekends of great hustle when seducing the ladies, but I have never had hustle like this man. He knew a lady that was sharing a hotel room with some other friends, and he wanted to get in on that. Unfortunately, this lady was having none of his advances, and actually had people tell Adam to cool it with his behavior because he was freaking her out. Many men would have taken this as a sign that he would not be fornicating with the lovely young lady of his choice that night. This is what makes Adam so great. Instead of letting this minor snafu end his chances, he did the most inspired thing that I have ever heard of in my entire life. He went outside and crashed his car. That's right folks, he just decided to bash his car into something so he couldn't drive it. He then walked back into the hotel and told the girl, "Well, I just crashed my car, so now I have to stay with you." Somehow, this DIDN'T work. When I heard this story, I about lost my mind, because this girl must be a real jackass to turn down that kind of romance. But fear not Adam, even though your actions may not have won the girl, you definitely won the weekend.

-Joe

P.S. Since my idiot buddies and I are kind of a Dream Team of partying. Here's a picture of the original Dream Team.

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