Thursday, November 17, 2011

Finding "The Me" Fetish

I was partying it up this past weekend, and I had the chance to shoot the shit with a friend of a friend who happened to be black. For those of you asking why I need to mention that he was black, trust me, it's not just that I love to racially profile people, but it is important to my story.

We got to talking and he told me how easy it is for him to get laid. Usually, I just turn my brain off at this point, because guys, especially ones I just met, I really do not give a shit about your sex life. But then he said something interesting when he told me, "Yeah, all I have to do is show up and wait for the girl with the black guy fetish."

This got me thinking.

Where are the girls who fetish for me? The ladies who yearn for my Hott body. The broads who want nothing more than to enter my bone zone. Where are they?

I have had to earn every piece of tail I have ever gotten, and it really sucks to know that had I just been exotic in some sort of way, I wouldn't have had to work for it at all. Where are the girls who want nothing more than a white guy who is built like a tennis player?

I brought up my perilous struggle to my new black friend, and he suggested that there are probably girls with a Rafael Nadal fetish. And he's right! Because Nadal is exotic. A better example would be Andy Murray. There can't be many ladies who yearn for this:
Yet that is the struggle that God has cursed me with. I mean, shit, at least Andy Murray is tall, which a lot of ladies like. I'm only 5'9", so I don't get bonus points for being tall, and I'm not short enough for a fetish in the opposite way either.

And yes, I'm in very good shape. Ladies like this, but they don't love it, because when I pop off my shirt, ladies are impressed, but no matter how hard I work out, I will never be like John Basedow.
And he's only using ten pound weights. But he's the guy on those smutty romance novels. What an asshole.

And the list goes on and on. Some girls love dark hair, others love blonde hair, I, of course have light brown hair. Girls like guys who are really tan, and although I'm not pasty white (although I'm sure there's a fetish for them too), you wouldn't describe me as dark either. Some girls like assholes, while others crave nice guys, and while I do have a heart of gold, I'm still kind of an asshole.

Seriously, there is nothing fetish about me. I have earned everything I have gotten from the opposite sex. From the smallest graze of female contact to the hottest bone session in the Western Hemisphere, it was never a fetish that caused it, just hard work and a little bit of game. I have yet to find a girl with "The Me" Fetish.

So ladies, if you're out there, let me know, and you can finally fulfill your fantasy of hooking up with an unemployed blogger. You know you want to...right?

-Joe

P.S. Enjoy this picture of the greatest player in St. Louis Cardinals history (via @SI_Vault) as you snap into a Slim Jim.
Oooooooh yeah! MACHO MADNESS!

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