Monday, November 7, 2011

The Job Search - Part One

I have to admit, it is not always easy coming up with topics that I want to write about, and I haven't been writing as much as I would like to these past couple months. But as I was sitting at my computer the other day, I decided that people would probably like to hear what it's like to search for a job in these tough economic times. Not having a job gives you a lot of time to look for jobs, but it also gives you a lot of time to let your mind wander. Just the other day, I thought about going to New York for the Occupy Wall Street protests, not because I think they are important, but mostly just because I'm bored.

So to help with that boredom, I will provide myself and all of my readers entertainment with my quest for employment. Each week, you can look forward to a list of jobs I have applied for, the best job I applied for, the funniest job I applied for, and at least one random story that involves my job search. Without further adieu...

Jobs Applied For:

(I only started this project on Friday, but in the future, it will encompass the entire week)
It’s Just Lunch – Dating Coordinator
Sensient Technologies - Office Services Coordinator
Nitel – Customer Service Advocate
Mediacom – Supervisor, Direct Sales
Chicago Cubs – Corporate Partnership Service Representative
Oakland Athletics – Guest Services Assistant
Mack, Jansen, Tholl & Associates – Administrative Assistant - Online Customer Support

Best Job: Chicago Cubs - Corporate Partnership Service Representative
As a lifelong Cubs fan, this would be a pretty kickass job. Plus, it's just providing exemplary customer service to corporate partners, so I actually have the necessary experience for this one. The more people are around me, the more they love me, so if the Cubs hired me, they would never lose another client again.

Funniest Job: It's Just Lunch - Dating Coordinator
So I saw Dating Coordinator and immediately applied. I did not look at the description, so I literally had no idea what this company was all about until I researched it for this post. But like the name implies, they basically set people up to meet at a restaurant and have a date. I have introduced people who are now engaged, so I am more than qualified for this spot. But I am hoping this company's all just a cover for a prostitution ring. Obviously, I've always been pimpin', but I'd like to just pimp.

Best Story: I'm Not Down (Syndrome) With That
Recently, I had a job interview with some customer service company. I walked in and saw other candidates that were looking for hire. I’m not great at deciphering which mental handicap that people have, but I would guess Down Syndrome for the other people in the waiting room with me. Droopy eyes, large foreheads, and kind of a Neanderthal look on their face, that’s Down Syndrome, right?

And then there’s me, dressed like an adult going to an interview, sticking out like a sore thumb. I don’t like to brag, but here’s the thing, I looked really good. Even better than usual. I’ve got the white shirt that’s looking whiter than white, gray slacks, and black shoes that are so shiny that I did my hair while staring at my reflection in them. The other candidates decided to wear their nicest pair of cargo khakis with their best polo, both of which must have been wadded up under their race car bed, because I literally could not imagine a way to have more wrinkles in my clothing than these people had.

I looked around while actual employees of the company walked through, and it wasn’t just that I was the best looking person there, but I was probably the best looking person who had ever set foot in that building. Seriously, all the guys were somehow both balding and effeminate, while the women, well, the women were built like the bear in a gay male relationship. There were no twink-sized ladies among these broads.

I seriously thought about leaving after five minutes of seeing the jabronies walking around this place, but I decided to stay. After taking about 90 minutes to fill out paperwork and ace all of their 3rd grade level tests, I finally got an interview. It took about 15 seconds for them to find out I was far too competent to work for this company, and she basically said as much as having ambition will only be a detriment when working for them. Although it was a giant waste of time, I certainly wasn’t too disappointed since I could never work with such ugly people day in and day out.

To sum up my experience: You know the saying “You can dress up a pig, but it’s still a pig”? Well, my new saying is “You can give a retard a job, but that doesn’t mean they’re not going to stick their penis in the pencil sharpener.” The company that turned me down will learn that lesson the hard way.


P.S. "I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town night club and I don't know how she then became a donkey." This may also work when cheating on a spouse as well. "Honey, I swear it was you until she shape-shifted into a much more attractive woman."

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