Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A Letter To Kim Kardashian

Greetings Kimmy,

I'm Hott Joe, you know me. Well, actually, you probably don't, but no matter, you will know me soon enough. I see that you have recently filed for a divorce. Things are probably pretty tough right now, but this is actually your lucky day. See, I'm single too, and I think I might be the perfect man to be your next boo.

Unfortunately, you've struggled finding the perfect mate as all of your relationships have failed in the past. Don't worry, as a sexy single myself, I know how hard it can be to find a person to fit our unusually high standards. Trust me, a couple of Dimes like us should never have to compromise.

Kim to the Kizzle, I can give you something that no other man has in the past. Judging by your past dating history, you seem to be into rich men with athletic prowess and/or have very large penises. If you keep going for the same thing, you're going to get the same results. This is why I am the perfect match, as I possess none of these traits.

On top of my regular endowment and athletic shortcomings, we also have a lot in common. Yes, there's the obvious that we're both incredibly good looking, but there is so much more.

It appears that you have never had a job, and I also think that work's for jerks. Imagine the fun we could have with no occupational commitments to drag us down.

You have developed a taste for the finer things in life, and I cannot imagine the fun you'll have as I reveal some of the less-known fine things in this world. Mainly, Natural Light, the Iowa Hawkeyes, and swimming in the Mississippi River.

On top of that, we both have families. Neither of us were test tube babies. And yes, this is an indictment that I really know nothing about you, so I had to come up with another commonality.

Slim Kim, I know this sounds too good to be true, and it is. Here's a truth bomb for you. I really don't find you all that attractive. Don't get me wrong, you're cute enough, but I'm not going to bend over backwards to satisfy you. If I satisfy you, great. If I don't, it's no skin off my back. I need you to know that I have been with hotter girls than you, but I haven't been with richer girls than you. Dim Kim, I'm really much more interested in the lifestyle that you could provide for me.

In the past, men have been proud of dating you. They wanted to show you off and shower you with gifts. Expect none of this from me. I am not introducing you to my friends. You will be as important to me as a speck of dust, and you are going to love it.

Ms. KardASSian (get it? Because you have a big caboose), I know that we belong together. I will provide you with what no man ever has, no money, an average unit, limited athletic ability, Natural Light, and on top of all this, I'll treat you like a piece of hot garbage.

I'm Hott Joe, you know me. So, what do you say, Kimmy Poo?


P.S. The only man who may be able to beat me out for Kim is Guy on a Buffalo (H/T Swanson):

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for summing up my feelings about this hopeless twit.