Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Ultimate Warrior Is the Definition Of Awesome

The Ultimate Warrior is awesome. He's so awesome that I am starting to become overwhelmed with the awesomeness of everything that he does. I am sure many people have jumped into something and then realized that they were in way over their head. That is how I feel about diving into the life of the Ultimate Warrior. The more I uncover, the more I realize that this is not a goldmine of crazy, these are the blood diamonds of crazy. Anytime I think about running and hiding, he provides something so inspirational that I want to go out and fight bums for liquor.

Before I go into the latest diamond that he dropped on the world, I'd like to go over some Warrior vocabulary so it makes it easier to follow along in the future.

Warrior's Machete - This is the name of Ultimate Warrior's blog. Warrior is quite clever. His blog is named this way since the pen is mightier than the sword. What is mightier than a normal sword? A machete. At least, that is what I would like to believe is the reasoning. He actually has a page titled, "Why my blog is titled 'Warrior's Machete'". It's actually pretty close to my made-up reason, but not quite as awesome. Either way, I really wish I would have called this blog Uncensored Machete.

Weapons of Warrior Wisdom - Artwork. How does this make sense? It doesn't, but it's awesome, so I'm not complaining.

Brush One - An art piece that is a portrait of the Warrior. I'm pretty sure he did the art work, but not positive. There's no description of what it means or anything about artistic integrity, but he does describe the piece with this sentence, "It’s an awesome piece, I will tell you that."
Well, thanks for letting me know that it's awesome. Otherwise, I could have looked like a real dumbass.

Your Founding Father of Life Intensity - This is how Warrior ends most of his posts. When we talk about the Founding Fathers, we are often referring to the men, and I'd like to emphasize MEN, who helped create the USA by beating the shit out of England. By this measure, Warrior has somehow been the first to establish Life Intensity. Does this make any sense? Of course not. Is it awesome? You bet your ass it is.

But the reason that this blog needed to be posted today is the video that the Warrior put on his website as well as YouTube this weekend.
For just a two minute video, he manages to pack a ton of awesome information in it. Let's hit on two quick points, and then get into the big point that the video is trying to make.

1. "What I enjoy doing best, kicking my own ass in the gym." Me and Warrior are totally kindred spirits. If me and Warrior worked out together, I guarantee one of us shits our pants.

2. CBS really dropped the ball by having Ashton Kutcher replace Charlie Sheen instead of hiring The Ultimate Warrior to do it. Warrior says crazy shit, but it's crazy awesome. "I found it (the bullet) buried, real deep, inside that huge piece of real estate I still own inside your psyche." Anytime I am competing, I am totally going to tell people that I still own a huge piece of real estate inside their psyche.

3. But then we get to the main point. He talks about a bullet that could kill Hulkamania. When I first watched this, I was 100% convinced that during the days of the Mega Maniacs, these two got drunk one night, and Hulk Hogan shot and killed somebody. Warrior, 20 years later, decided to go back to the scene of the crime, and dug up the bullet so justice could finally be served for this murder.

As awesome as that story is, it's unfortunately not the case. Hulk Hogan referred to a hypothetical bullet that people have tried to use to kill Hulkamania (I recommend watching the entire 52 minute interview, don't worry, work can wait), but all have been unsuccessful, because you simply can't stop the power of Hulkamania. But apparently, the Warrior is brave enough and wise enough to put a bullet through Hulkamania.

What could this bullet be? Apparently this week we're all going to find out. I could definitely see those two burying a dead body and Warrior bringing it back to life, but I could also see Warrior calling Hulk Hogan gay and expecting Hulkamania to disappear. Warrior ends the video with these prophetic words:

Karma's coming to collect, Terry. Karma's coming to collect...big time.

Thank you Ultimate Warrior, for being so incredibly awesome.

-Joe

P.S. I went for a 5-mile Memorial Day run and obviously had my shirt popped off. I happen to cross paths with an attractive young minx that was on her bicycle. She looked me up and down and smiled my way. The cynics out there might say that she was laughing, because I was running through a mud pit, and my lower legs were so caked in mud that it looked like I was hiding from The Predator. Others might say that she was just enjoying the view. I'm definitely going with the latter.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Why I Still Believe In The Bulls - Part Two

I still believe the Bulls can beat the Heat in their series. I know I am in the minority with that opinion, but I honestly believe it can happen. Is it likely? No, I honestly do not think it is likely. As I said before this series started, these are two evenly matched teams, and either team can win on any given night. The Bulls went into Game Four, needing to win their remaining home games and win one game in Miami to win the series. After losing Game Four, the Bulls need to win their remaining home games and win one game in Miami. That hasn't changed.

Since these teams are evenly matched, each game is a coin flip. It landed on heads the first game, and then it landed on tails the next three games. If it lands on heads in game five, that doesn't mean it is less likely for it to land on heads in game six, and then game seven. And if the Bulls win Game Five, it puts a TON of pressure on the Heat in Game Six, because they do not want to go back to Chicago to win the series in a do-or-die Game Seven.

That's all well and good, but I can't ignore the fact that the Bulls have lost three in a row. If they keep playing like they have been playing, it will take a miracle for them to win three in a row. Luckily, there are many areas that, not only the Bulls can improve, but that the Bulls should improve on for the rest of this series.

The Bulls will stop playing so sloppy. Their turnovers aren't caused by overwhelming defense, they are caused by sloppy play and laziness. Sometimes the Bulls get lackadaisical on offense and either make a lazy pass or forget that, yes, the NBA has instituted a shot clock, so you do eventually have to throw the ball at the hoop.

Eventually the Bulls will start hitting shots. They aren't the worst shooting team in the history of the NBA, so I believe that their shots will actually start going in the basket. The Heat have played good defense, but not great defense. 

They have a song out that should propel them to greater heights. Wait, have you not heard "Hey Bulls" yet? If not, you are in for a treat. Actually, even if you have heard it, you're still in for a treat as this is simply a great song (and an even better video).

I'm not ashamed to admit that I have probably watched this video a dozen times. The most difficult part of watching this video is picking out my favorite part of it. The song is amazing. There is a random guy off to the side painting the Bulls logo. There are old ladies rocking out while wearing tie-dyed clothes. There is some random dude wearing a fake beard and Mario gloves. And let's not forget the guy dressed like a shriner with a wolf mask on. But this guy really steals the show.
An old guy with a goofy hat, tie-dyed shirt, and red tank top. He also gets bonus points over the ladies because he is still able to stand. And he takes full advantage of that by dancing around during the song. But he cements his status as star of the video, because of his batoning abilities. That's right, a male batonist.

Justice - The Heat chant "MVP" for half of their team. Joel Anthony. Really? You believe him to be the MVP? Heat fans are such douchebags, and I believe God (in this case, David Stern) works in mysterious ways. Yes, LeBron has been allowed 15 steps during the playoffs so far, but that is only to build him up to have it all come crashing down. And really, there couldn't be a better storyline than LeBron's team cruising to a 3-1 lead only to choke this series away. David Stern, er, God, you are one magnificent bastard.

My pick: Bulls in seven. Suck my balls, Heat fans.

-Joe

P.S. If all of those reasons aren't enough, don't forget that Luol Deng has a heart of gold.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Why I Still Believe In The Bulls - Part One

This was going to be a single post, but it started to get long. Since I realize that my readers have a maximum attention span of about five minutes of words, I decided to split this into two parts. For the first part, I want to simply provide a list of the Bulls best performers and a lineup to utilize what has actually been working so far in this series. Here is a list of who have been the best performers from bottom to top:

13. Rasual Butler - I have no allegiance to him, but he has minutes so he needs to be listed.

12. Brian Scalabrine - A sharp dressed man who is excellent with the high-five.

11. Kurt Thomas - Veteran leadership slightly more valuable than Scalabrine's suit/cheering combo.

10. Kyle Korver - I hate to do this, but if he can't hit shots, all he does is turn the ball over and play defense like this:
9. C.J. Watson - Finally put some offense together last night, but he couldn't track Mike Miller, which ended up being a big reason the game went into overtime.

8. Omer Asik - He could have been higher, but the injury has kind of cost him. I love Asik and believe it will be a beautiful name for a baby girl.

7. Taj Gibson - You may think this is way too low, because of his defensive versatility and solid offense complimented by spectacular dunks in game one. But he talked shit to Chris Bosh in Game Three and Bosh proceeded to light the Bulls up. When you get owned by Bosh, you are going to drop in my rankings.

6. Joakim Noah - He played really well last night in Game 4, but the pick and roll with him and Rose has been the most awful offensive play in this series, and I'm certainly not going to blame the MVP for that.

5. Keith Bogans - Yep, the guy who every Bulls fan has ripped all season long should probably be getting more minutes in this series. He has done what the Bulls need him to do. He plays good, not great defense (but if he gets beat, he's quick to realize it and foul before somebody gets an easy bucket) and can hit a decent amount of three pointers when he gets the open look. I have been screaming MVBOGANS every time he does something good, and I think it's 100% accurate. He is the most valuable Bogans. I googled Bogans to see if anybody could compete with him, and found this definition for Bogan on Wikipedia:

The term bogan depicts people of retarded appearance. A bogan is somebody who will scratch his arse all day and then sniff his fingers and get a stiffy. bogans usually bewed fat lasses (Ugly bitches that like munga).

I don't know what half that shit means, but I'm pretty sure that Bogan has the most hilarious page in Wikipedia history. With that being said, I fucking dare somebody to tell Keith that he looks retarded and bangs fat lasses. He will murder you, and hang your body on a flag pole in his front yard. There is no scarier person on the Bulls.

4. Carlos Boozer - He has played very well the last couple games, but he needs to be putting up at least 20 points, because nothing is expected of him on defense. He's guarding Joel Anthony. If Korver didn't get terrified every time the guy he was guarding had the ball, I'd believe in Korver shutting down Anthony all game long.

3. Ronnie Brewer - He's been the Bulls best defender this series. That's slightly unfair to our number two guy on the list, since he only plays half the minutes, but there is nobody I have more confidence in to shut down an opposing player in this series. And he hit a three last night. That was awesome.

2. Luol Deng - Has been tough on LeBron all series long and has provided solid offense for the Bulls. Bulls fans really can't expect much more than this from him.

1. Derrick Rose - He has been poor by Derrick Rose standards, but the Heat are completely focused on stopping him. Even if he hasn't been all that good, he's still the MVP.

A writer on ESPN (I believe it was John Hollinger, but I'm not positive) suggested that the Bulls should experiment with a small lineup against the Heat. He suggested playing Korver at the two, but I think Bogans makes more sense. The Bulls can match up Rose on whatever piece of shit player the Heat have out there, Bogans on Wade, Brewer on LeBron, Deng on Bosh (who rarely posts up), and Boozer on Anthony/Haslem. The defense would be good, and they could spread the floor more so Rose has more outlet options if the Heat collapse on him when he drives.

This is the lineup that can cool off the Heat. MVBogans 4 Life.

-Joe

P.S. This is probably the greatest jet ski race in the history of the combustible engine. After watching this, I really feel like Hollywood missed the boat by not giving Macho Man more acting roles.

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Day The Madness Died

By now, I'm sure you have heard the tragic news that Macho Man Randy Savage has passed away after having a heart attack that led to a fatal car accident. Although this is tragic news, nobody can say it is all that surprising as wrestlers die early at an incredibly alarming rate.

Back in the old WWE (then the WWF), wrestlers led a life of excess that they simply can't get away with these days. Kevin Nash once said, “The thing that always kills me is people say wrestlers party like rock stars. I’m thinking, I’ve partied with rock stars. Rock stars don’t party anywhere near what wrestlers do. The quote should be that rock stars party like wrestlers…We partied like wrestlers and that was pretty much the pinnacle.” And that really was the life that wrestlers led. Cocaine, steroids, you name it, they almost definitely tried it and probably took it in excess.

But that's not the only reason that it's sad that Macho Man came through the business when he did. A lot of times people will talk about athletes who could have done much bigger and better things had they come along in a different era. The tweener in basketball, the undersized lineman in football, or the speedy slap hitter in baseball could have all had much larger impacts had they come around twenty years earlier, but it's a different game that they just didn't fit in. The interesting thing about Macho Man is he actually would have made a much bigger impact had he come around twenty years later.

This isn't to say he wasn't great, he most definitely was, but he could have been greater. His peak in the WWE came at a time where bigger was better, and he simply couldn't match the sheer girth of the WWE's biggest attractions. It was a time of unstoppable forces, from Andre the Giant, to Hulk Hogan, to Ultimate Warrior, it was a time of mediocre performers but who had an aura that made them seem larger than life.

Meanwhile, Macho Man was an incredible worker with great charisma, but never had the size to seem unstoppable. He won the title at WrestleMania IV in a 16-Man Tournament mostly because he was one of the few guys who could put on four good matches in a single night. His match at WrestleMania III against Ricky Steamboat is still considered one of the greatest matches of all time. His second title win came at WrestleMania VIII, but it was in the middle of the card, so Hulk Hogan could headline against Sid Justice.

But as great as he was, I keep thinking that he could have been greater. When I look at champions like Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, and Chris Jericho, it's hard to believe he wouldn't have been competing for the WWE Title for ten straight years had he just come along a little bit later.

But unlike most professional wrestlers, Macho Man didn't try to hang on to catch one last bit of glory. He was done as a full-time wrestler in 1999. He made a brief comeback in 2004, but had a disagreement with TNA and left after only a couple months. After that, he disappeared. No website, no Facebook, no Twitter; it was a big deal if you merely saw an updated picture of Macho Man on the Internet.

The only time he was really in the news these past seven years was when he remarried last year. The world saw some wedding photos and he fell back into his life of seclusion.

Almost all wrestlers hold onto the business for two reasons: The spotlight or the money. Macho Man didn't need either, and there's something very refreshing about that (especially as wrestling fans watch legends like Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair waste away on TNA Impact Wrestling each week). But as a wrestling fan, it's hard to not imagine a world where Macho Man came along 10-15 years later, because as great as he was, he could have been even greater.

-Joe

P.S. I didn't have a good space to talk about Macho Man's rapping career, but you can bet your ass that I still listen to those songs and have the best songs on repeat today in honor of him. Although, most are going to link to Perfect Friend, but I'd much rather listen to Macho Thang.

P.P.S. Yes, I do still have a talking Macho Man action figure hanging out on my dresser, and I'm proud of it.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Why Poker Is Less of a Sport Than Scrabble

I went for a run this morning, and luckily, instead of my mind focusing on the pain of running, it wandered off to far and distant lands. I could delve deeper into those thoughts, but I honestly don't think anybody wants that.

Unless a person is a complete moron, everybody should be on the same page that poker is clearly not a sport. A sport takes some sort of physical strain, and even Christopher Reeve considers poker to be a light workout (he's a paraplegic and dead).

Now, I will admit that I am in no way a poker player. I have played before, but I find the game to be incredibly boring, because the game of poker is incredibly boring. I would rather pull out individual hairs from my legs than play poker, because at least then I'd be doing something.

But I don't want to dwell on how boring it is; I want to talk about the lack of skill involved in the game. I think about other competitions that are not sports like chess, scrabble, and hot dog eating, and I realize that you could give me a million shots to beat a world class player, and I would always lose. Meanwhile, if you matched me up one-on-one against the best poker player in the world, there is no way that I can't win at least 5% of the time, and I'm guessing I'd win closer to 20%.

At first glance, this may seem ridiculous, but it's 100% true. If I went all-in every single time, eventually he would have to call, and since I wouldn't give the game any respect, I would refrain from ever looking at my cards. Even if he had a great hand, and my hand was awful, I would still end up winning at least a few of those.

So the next time somebody invites you over to play poker, tell them that it's a loser's game that involves limited skill. Tell them to bust out the Scrabble board instead. It may not be a sport, but at least there's a definitive level of skill involved.

-Joe

P.S. Speaking of games, the new additions to Franchise mode on Madden look pretty awesome. I highly recommend checking out all the new features.

P.P.S. There's so much that I love about this video. I obviously love the content. But I also love that they posted it. The thing I love the most is that whoever is holding the camera is far more concerned about getting a good shot than anyone's well-being.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My New Jose Canseco: The Ultimate Warrior

I would like to start off this post by saying that I am not ending my interest in the trials and tribulations of Jose Canseco. This is not meant to be a sad occasion, but an occasion to rejoice. Jose has a job, where he makes seasonal money. It reminds me of my time working at a water park where I scammed people for tips and would go Euro-style tanning while on the clock. This is good news for Jose.

But good news is boring, so I need something, or more appropriately, someone to replace him for the entertainment of my readers. Due to my curious nature, and with the help of Google, I have found our ultimate replacement.

The Ultimate Warrior is so awesome that nightmares are the best part of his day. But surprisingly, I'm not all that interested in the face-painted, steroid-riddled, screaming, snarling, Ultimate Warrior. I'm far more interested in the person behind the face paint, and that is why we will be uncovering the legend that is known to his friends as Jim, James Warrior (he legally changed his last name; I may do the same).

Unfortunately, unlike Jose Canseco, Jim does not take advantage of Twitter to tweet out his stream-of-conscious thoughts to the world. Luckily, Mr. Warrior posts his thoughts the same way that your faithful writer does, as The Ultimate Warrior writes a blog of his own.

But despite their obvious differences, these two also have a ton in common:
1. Professional Athletes who were recognized as the best in their profession.
2. Admitted steroid users.
3. They both stand for the truth.
4. Both are writers as Jose has written two books, and Warrior is working on one currently.
5. An unapologetic arrogance that makes them disliked by the majority of people.

What the Ultimate Warrior may lack in relevance, he more than makes up for in art. Yes, art. Jim Warrior creates inspirational paintings to help people reach their full potential. His artwork can best be described as imagining you have jumped inside of his brain and you are privy to witness all of his thoughts. He has amazingly put his thoughts on the canvas to provide some of the most inspirational artwork of the 21st century. Here is just one piece from his amazing collection:
What is the message of this piece? Impossible to tell. Yes, I realize that the words "Always Believe" appear in this piece approximately 150 times, but you'd need an art expert of the highest caliber to decipher what this piece truly means.

Even if art isn't your thing, Mr. Warrior provides unbelievably offensive comments every now and then to pop up in the news. Here's highlights of a speech he gave at the University of Connecticut.

If you don't have time to watch it, let me just point out the most talked about quote that he had. When talking about homosexuals, he stated, "Queering doesn't make the world work."

Is that not offensive enough for you? Well, maybe Warrior's comments on Heath Ledger are more your cup of tea. Here is just part of the genius of the Warrior:

By today's standard, though, I do have to agree that he was a great father. Perhaps even greater then the father of the year, Hulk Hogan. After all, Leather Hedger did what it took to kill himself. His kid is without a father, yes, but the negative influence is now removed and his own child has the chance for a full recovery.

That's right; he called Hulk Hogan a bad father. Not cool, Jim. Oh yeah, and he said that Ledger did the right thing by killing himself, because his children should not be influenced by someone who played a gay guy in a movie. But calling Hulk a bad dad; that's definitely crossing a line.

But those things are well in the past. The Warrior is still producing great content, but he's doing it under the radar, and I want to help expose his thoughts to the world. I don't know exactly what I'm going to write about. All I know is that Jim Warrior's life must be examined, and I am just the man to do it.

-Joe

P.S. Are you tired of videos of the Taj Gibson dunk? Well, I'm not, so here it is with a long focus on the reaction of Derrick Rose and Carlos Boozer.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Things Girls Want Boys To Do

I love to get life advice from Twitter. I feel it is far more valuable than friends and family. They have the tendency to tell you what you want to hear, but Twitter tells you want you need to hear. Also, you get the benefit of group-think, so it's really like getting daily advice from the people surveyed on Family Feud. I guarantee that if their was a tag of #ThingsYouPolish, 90% of the people would respond knobs. Twitter may not be high-brow, but it is helpful. And today, I would like to share what Twitter has taught me when it comes to Things Girls Want Boys To Do.

Emileeeeeee
Not accidentally kill them in their sleep
Emilee seems to have the lowest standards of any girl alive. From now on, anytime I get in trouble with a lady, I'm going to remind them how lucky they are that I did not accidentally kill them in their sleep. I think they will then realize how lucky they are to have me around, while they sleep peacefully instead of being murdered. She'll probably even reward me with butt stuff.

Abbie Cheeseman
not dump us for no reason.
Oh, sweet, innocent, Abbie. Trust me, there's always a reason. And if a guy told you the reason, you probably would have preferred that he didn't. It's not him, it's definitely, one-hundred percent, you.

KETRELL
Fact. This is why so many ladies have their sex tapes on the internet for the world to see.
SeanRico johnson
leave em soakin wet from da ankles up
I think Rico is a tad confused, so let me set the record straight. When soaking, she is actually the soaker, and the man is the soakee. Nobody, and I repeat, NOBODY, should be soaked from da ankles up. If anyone is soaked from da ankles up, something went horribly wrong.

But the real star of the Twitter advice was Demond (). He was dropping advice as quick as his fingers could type. Thank you Demond, as I learned a ton from the your wisdom.

Demond
be patient with her when her emotions starts to get the best of her...
So you're saying be patient all the time?
Demond
be superman, Bill Gates, Mandingo, Chris Brown, and Casanova
I have no idea who Mandingo is. Most of the time I would look it up, but I have a feeling if I do a search on Mandingo, Google may show me images that my mind won't be able to unsee, and that just doesn't seem worth it. Superman is fictional, so I'll assume that is what the relationship should be. After that, I believe that ladies want the looks of Bill Gates, the assault tendencies of Chris Brown, and the alcoholism of Casanova. Got it.

Demond
be everything the last guy wasnt
What if she just got out of a relationship with Mandingo?
Demond
be man enough to be a man
Are we back to being like Chris Brown and beating women, because if so, I get it. Show your lady how manly you are by kissing her face with your fists. Beating your lady shows her how much you care about her. Pretty simple stuff.


Demond
make her feel you do not just want her for sex.
So less sex and more butt stuff? Demond, we are totally on the same page.

-Joe

P.S. I have no idea of Casanova was an alcoholic (I really don't know anything about Casanova), but it seemed likely that he drank. Let's face it, you probably nodded your head in agreement. Research is for suckers.

P.P.S. These are two other things girls want boys to do, but unfortunately you have to be Taj Gibson to pull it off.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Disel and Seagal Are Crazy...Crazy Awesome

Steven Seagal and Vin Diesel are awesome. This statement should receive no arguments, but there are morons out there that may disagree. People may bring up the fact that Steven Seagal is fat and barely coherent, my response to that is, "And your point is?" That's part of why he is so awesome.

Others are dumb enough to think that Vin Diesel is NOT awesome. These people are also god damned morons. They will be quick to send me a video to help them prove that Vin Diesel is not awesome. They'll ask me if I've seen this:

Not only have I seen it, I watch it every morning while I eat my Crispy Rice (bloggers can't afford the name brand cereals). I use it as inspiration, because it reminds me that people can change. Just like Hulk Hogan switched to Hollywood Hogan and then back to Hulk Hogan again. And even I, the badass of all badassery was once a stupid baby. Yes, babies are worthless, so I ended my time as a baby as soon as I possibly could to become the genetic marvel that you see today. Diesel went from shitty breakdancer to action star extraordinaire.

Now Vin Diesel is in his own world, and the thoughts that come from his brain and exit his mouth are astonishingly awesome. He is challenging Steven Seagal for the person with the loosest grip on reality. Let's look at these two:

This interview is so awesome, because it makes me nod my head in enjoyment. If you haven't seen Fast Five yet, shame on you. Also, as anybody who has seen it can attest, be prepared to buy new underwear after you see it. Don't worry, you won't shit your pants with excitement (well, you might), but you will need at least one size larger in underwear, because your balls will expand so much. I also love Diesel's choice of words, like when he is comparing it to a classic western, as he states, "Without horses, but a whole lot of horsepower."

The line that really stands out above all others is when he describes him and The Rock going toe-to-toe in the movie. Diesel states, "That's fun for cinema."

Yes, it is Diesel. Yes, it is. Now onto Seagal to see if he can compete with this crazy awesome interview.

Seagal is off his goddamn rocker. I really don't need to add much to Seagal's interview as his statements really speak for themselves. The question is, which is more insane?
1. Steven Seagal claims that he has been the key to two UFC Knockouts.
2. He calls his wife, "Mom."
I'm torn. He's clearly in another world. That world? Planet Awesome.

As undeniably crazy as Seagal is, Vin Diesel would not be denied the craziest in all the land. He brought it to a whole nother level when speaking with the LA Times:

I wouldn’t be surprised if there is some Oscar talk around this. I don’t know, maybe I’m just biting off what some guy from Channel 7 thought,” he said with a chuckle. “But sooner or later, people are gonna say, ‘Wait a minute, just because they are for the working class doesn’t mean they’re not great.'"

Yes, YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES! I am tired of bullshit artsy films getting all the love from the Academy. It is time for the world to recognize how awesome great action movies are. I will have a tear in my eye as Fast Five wins Best Picture. It will be one of both joy and sadness. Obviously, I will be overjoyed that a great film is getting recognized, but sad that Under Siege will never get its due.

-Joe

P.S. Enjoy this homoerotic wrestling GIF:

Friday, May 13, 2011

Bulls vs. Heat: Who's Gonna Win?

The Eastern Conference Finals are set as it will be the top two seeds when the Chicago Bulls take on the Miami Heat. I have made no attempts to hide my love for the Bulls, but today's post will not be a Bulls lovefest, but instead, a look at both teams to figure out who will actually win this series.

I realize the Bulls have struggled with the Pacers and Hawks. Did they play like shit against the Pacers? Yes, for the first four games of that series they did. But the Pacers also played some of their best basketball during that series. Meanwhile, nobody wants to give the Hawks any respect, but they're REALLY talented. Horford, Smith, Johnson, Crawford, and even Jeff Teague is a lineup that can be terrifying. This team is the posterchild for middling team that has the potential to beat anybody on any given night. They dominated the Magic more often than not and took two from the Bulls. To say this team isn't extremely talented is ludicrous.

Now let's look at what the Heat have done. Can anybody explain to me when the Heat have looked good in these playoffs? Everybody is talking about how impressive they have looked, but what has been so impressive about these guys? Their supposed impressive play has led to them playing one fewer game than the Bulls who have apparently played like shit. And to call their competition definitively better is kind of ridiculous.

First off, the 76ers suck. They do a good job of playing as a team, but they just don't have that much talent. I don't think anybody is arguing about this.

Next, the Celtics haven't looked good for a while. It's not the Kendrick Perkins trade, it's the fact that they're worn down. They did fine without him early in the season, but this team just didn't have it by the end of the year. People will point to the fact that they swept the Knicks. Well, first off, the Knicks suck, and the Celtics were still taken down to the wire at home against them. Then Amare got hurt and they were able to stomp Melo and scrubs. This is not an impressive feat.

During the final week of the season, the Celtics got blown out by the Bulls and the Heat. I have never seen someone raped on a basketball court before Derrick Rose did it to Rajon Rondo in that game. Rondo would never go to the police about it; he was far too ashamed. He was so petrified of Rose that he dislocated his elbow to prevent Rose from doing it again.

If Rondo is healthy, they probably win Game 4, and then we are very likely looing at a seven-game series. The Heat took care of business, but they have had a fortuitous schedule so far.

This series is going to be close. If you say the Bulls are going to blow away the Heat, or the Heat are going to blow away the Bulls, you're a moron. Even if one of these teams ends up sweeping the other team, you'd still be a moron. Claiming that one team has a superior advantage over the other is asinine, because that great advantage simply doesn't exist.

Do the Heat have more talent than the Bulls? Yes, without a doubt, the Heat have more talent. Just having LeBron makes that a near certainty when matching up talent against anybody. LeBron has more talent than Jordan in his prime. Now don't get me wrong, Jordan was light years better than LeBron will probably ever be, but there's no shame for LeBron in not being the best.

And that's what this comes down to, the Heat are more talented, but can the Bulls be better? They're a better coached team, and it's really a bad matchup for the Heat. Deng is criminally underrated on defense, so LeBron is going to have to work for every basket he gets. Bogans and Brewer can harass Wade all game long. When they want to swtich to Korver, Rose can keep up with Wade for short stretches, while Korver guards whatever shit they are putting out there at point guard. Noah will be in Bosh's face all game long. And Boozer started turning a corner during Game 4 of the Hawks series so he should decimate whatever piece of shit they put out there. Oh yeah, and who's gonna guard Rose?

On the other hand, LeBron and Wade can produce no matter who is defending them. Chris Bosh could be harassed by the Bulls big men for every second that he is out there and still put up a double-double for the Heat. One or more of their outside shooters could get hot and nail their open looks. If that happens, the Heat are practically unbeatable.

So who's gonna win? I have no clue, and anybody who says they do is a jackass. I do know one thing though. Cheering for the Heat during these playoffs is like cheering for the Nazis during the Holocaust. Maybe you'll be on the winning side, but I hope to God you don't feel good about it.

Go Bulls.

-Joe

P.S. My birthday is just a few months away, so if anybody is looking for gift ideas, this yacht would be a nice start.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Something Borrowed Wasted Two Hours Of My Life

Something Borrowed is an atrocity. I knew it would be an atrocity. I jokingly talked about seeing this movie, and my brother called my bluff and said he would pay for my ticket. Apparently, I should have taken him up on that offer since I ended up seeing it anyway.

So how did I get suckered into seeing a movie that I knew would make me want to bang my head into a wall? Well, I had the following exchange with my lady friend.
LF: There's a movie I want you to take me to.
Me: Okay, that's reasonable. Before you tell me that movie, can I pick one movie that we never see together?
LF: No.
Me: Please?
LF: No.
Me: Fine, what's the movie?
LF: Something Borrowed.
Me: God damnit.

Of all the movies she could have picked, she picked that one. At least it wasn't Transformers 3.

I honestly don't know how this movie got made. I mean, I look back at this movie, and I am fucking baffled that this shit got the green light for production. This is a romantic comedy that has absolutely none of the latter. I never smirked through this entire film. If you just looked at me throughout the movie, you would assume I was trying to hold still so a bear did not eat me. But what about the romance, you ask? Well, if treating your friends like shit so you can get laid counts as romance, yes, I guess there was a shit-ton of romance. 

The viewer literally learns nothing about these characters outside of who they like and their occupation. The characters didn't anger me as much as I simply didn't care about any of them. Had they died a fiery death, I would have been fine with that, had they found their version of happiness, I couldn't give two shits about that either. I didn't hate them; I really just wanted them to go away.

Kate Hudson looks like a stoned pig. I'm not sure if she looks more like a pig that smoked marijuana, or a pig that was pelted with rocks, but I know it's one of the two. Because of this, she cannot play the hot chick of a movie. That ship has sailed.

As bad as this script was, the acting did its best to match. The main girl in the film went to her constipation face anytime something serious was happening. I hope that she takes SuperPump 250 (Also known as SuperDump) to get her in the zone.

The rest of the acting was bad, but not noteworthy. And that's the best way to sum up this movie. It's bad, but it's so inconsequential that it's hardly noteworthy. It's not as bad as Transformers, The Dukes of Hazzard, or Valentine's Day, but at least those movies were bad enough to be remembered. The most positive thing to say about this movie is that it will fade away without anybody really remembering it at all. It's as consequential as a speck of dust on a coffee table, except that dust particle wouldn't waste two hours of your life.

-Joe

P.S. The worst part about this movie is that I missed Zack Ryder fist pumping the shit out of RAW.

Now I'll never be Broski of the Week.

P.P.S. Here's audio of Tyler Hansborough reading Chicken Little. You're welcome.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A Book You Should Read: Chris Jericho's Undisputed

I just wanted to put up a quick post to recommend a book that I recently finished, Undisputed, by Chris Jericho. This is the follow up to his highly enjoyable first book, A Lion's Tale.

Jericho is a guy who has reached incredible heights in the world of professional wrestling while also having a very respectable career as the lead singer of his heavy metal band, Fozzy. The reason his books work so well is that despite all of his success, he comes across as a very genuine person who the reader can easily relate to.

The book takes you from his debut in the WWE up through the death of his close friend, Chris Benoit with tons of entertaining stories thrown in throughout the book.

Things that will appeal to readers of this blog in the book include Jericho's stories about Ronnie James Dio, Andrew Dice Clay, smashing glasses at the bar, Steel Panther, Mr. Belding following around the WWE, and a description of something that would definitely be considered West Coast Dance.

On top of all of that, I found out that the Ultimate Warrior does not eat desserts. Instead, he will get a cookie, smash it into a thousand pieces and put his face next to it so he can inhale the smell. He believes that he gets the same effect, but with none of the calories. That is the most meatheaded thing I have ever heard, and I am incredibly happy that it came from the Ultimate Warrior.

Another awesome story involves Alfonso Ribeiro, aka Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. He and Jericho had this exchange before going on stage for Celebrity Duets:
Carlton: You like sex?
Jericho: Um, I guess.
Carlton: Yeah, me too. Mmmmm…I musta banged over a thousand chicks.


So check out Undisputed, and if you haven't read A Lion's Tale yet, check that out too. They're easy reads and highly entertaining from beginning to end.

-Joe

P.S.Since West Coast Dance was brought up, here is a fantastic video of Norman Smiley making the West Coast Dance crew proud.

Monday, May 9, 2011

This Heineken Commercial Shows Savvy Marketing And Racism

Do you watch TV? Good, that means that you have seen the latest Heineken commercial, because it is shown fifteen times every hour. I'm pretty sure it may have its own channel by now. For those of you who have been living under a rock (or the tired lie to make yourself seem important of "I'm too busy for TV"), here is the commercial in an extended form:

Chances are that you enjoy this commercial. I know I do, and that's in spite of me hating their beer. I mean, if I wanted to drink piss, I might as well drink my own, and I sure as hell wouldn't take the time to bottle it. But that has nothing to do with the topic at hand, because the taste of this beer never comes into question for our main character as he feels it is of the highest quality, but we'll get to that later.

The great thing that this commercial does is give you many different reasons to possibly like this commercial. You don't get to know any of the characters, but you feel like you know them in the 3-5 seconds that they are on screen. But let's learn more about the main character through his interactions in this commercial.
This first screenshot establishes the importance of the main character. He has a driver and photographers are outside to capture a picture of him. This guy isn't some schmuck; he's legit. But the real magic happens when he gets inside, as he deals with cliche stereotypes that show Heineken doesn't care one bit about progressive thinking.
I would say that this was the most shockingly racist things in the commercial for me. They show an African Prince which is rather progressive, but then they immediately go into a goofy handshake, you know, because he's a black guy. I would have rather seen a hug here and a goofy handshake with awkward white guy at the beginning, but they went cliche which is rather disappointing. He then interacts with more black guys, so they give each other a jumping high-five. But don't worry, these black guys aren't cliches...oh wait, they are basketball players. Of course they're basketball players; they're black. Since they use two guys, I would have preferred to see a black guy and a white guy. As long as they're both in headbands still, you get the point that these guys are legit players without being too simplistic about the presentation of it. But this exchange ends with the main character hitting a halfcourt shot on what appears to be a Rock n' Jock 25 foot hoop.
Hey, it's a middle eastern guy. So it only makes sense for him to appear dangerous and have ridiculous facial hair. That's what Middle Easterners do. I actually really like this racist portrayal of a Middle Eastener, because they play with expectations here. At first glance, he appears dangerous, but he's actually a really great guy who are main character embraces in a bro-hug to end all bro-hugs.
And then we have an Asian, so yes, he is obviously a martial artist. This is rather lazy, and the only thing is I wish they would have gone all out and given him a calculator shirt to show how great Asians are at math. Let's hope this Asian has math skills, as he gets owned in the ultimate test of martial artists, "And 1 Heineken Grabbing."

But I have saved the most interesting aspect of this commercial for last.
Sexuality. This woman's glance early on in the commercial establishes this man as a stud with the ladies, and being a stud with the ladies is totally badass (Trust me, I know). At least that is what I thought the first 20 times I watched this commercial, but then I noticed something very peculiar. By my count, he directly interacts with 14 different people. Twelve of them are males, two of them are females. He does not touch a single female throughout this commercial, and his most interesting interaction is this one.
His one chance to touch a female, and he uses a tablecloth to avoid any direct physical contact with her. This commercial is absolutely loaded with homosexual undertones.

Although you can make a strong case that this guy is a gay male, in all reality, this guy is who you want him to be. This guy shows throughout the commercial that he can pretty much be anything, so he can certainly be heterosexual if that makes you more comfortable or he can be homosexual if you would rather see him that way.

Personally, I like to imagine him as gay and being bullied as a youngster. He would spend hours playing the oboe, because it was the only way he could escape their hatred. Eventually the bullying became too much and he dove into martial arts. Not only did the martial arts help him defend himself, but he also used his newfound focus and determination to become an excellent outside shooter in basketball.

This Heineken commercial plays with the hot potato that is racism throughout. Sometimes it keeps the potato moving, and sometimes it gets burnt. But overall, this is a rather entertaining commercial that is packed with characters and quick exchanges. Now if I could only get that damn song out of my head.

-Joe

P.S. There's a lot of old links building up from my computer from my lack of writing last week, but let's ease into this with a fantastic Tumblr dedicated to Emo Juan Uribe.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

How Do You Know If A Lady Is Interested?

For many guys, picking up on signs that a lady is interested in fornicating with them is extremely difficult. I never thought I had this problem, but like all things in life, I felt it was good to consult Twitter to see if I was missing out on any golden opportunities. Luckily, this past weekend Twitter came through for me with the tagline of #shewantsthedick. After searching through hundreds of tweets, I found the best ones to help all the guys know when a lady "wants the dick."

Christopher Spivey
if she lets u go up a ladder first. ..shes really just lookin up to see if u packin a minipistol or a ak47
Wait a second, who in the hell climbs ladders for a date? Oh yeah, the Mormons. But just imagine using this as a realistic date option:
Dude: Hey baby, I think we should climb that ladder.
Girl: I'm not climbing that ladder.
Dude: Ah, I see. You want me to climb the ladder so you can check out the gun I'm packing.
Girl: You've got a gun? (Sprays Mace)
Dude: AAAAAAH! Damnit God, why have you cursed me with this mini-pistol?

But this is why I go on Twitter, because now I know that anytime a girl wants me to climb a ladder first, she is TOTALLY checking out my package.

King LC ❤
When you're a author and a woman says "I love your writing" that really means
With my illustrious writing displayed on this blog, many ladies are impressed with my writing, so this one happens all the time for me (For those of you who are pointing out that I'm a blogger, not an author, all I have to say to that is, "Don't be a dick, you asshole."). As I constantly demean women with my writing, it's hard for them to not immediately fall in love with me.

Juicy Red
Im goin back sleep
Honestly, there's nothing interesting about this comment, but if you check out the direct link to the tweet, you will know why I put it up here. I would say that it's not safe for work, but honestly, it's not safe for Earth. I'm glad that someone named BoobiesGalore is so proud of her weapons of mass destruction, but also a little jealous that she took my first choice for a Twitter name.

Tha Brittany Show
if she always has meat on her pizza
Maybe it's just me, but I feel like I have been missing out on some pretty big signs that ladies wanted to fornicate with me. If chicks aren't eating veggie pizza, they must be hornier than shit. That is the ONLY explanation for women wanting meat on their pizza. Book stores and coffee places have become prime meeting places for ladies, but I'm just going to wait outside of Domino's waiting for horny chicks who have the audacity to order a pepperoni pizza. Also, I'm pretty sure if a girl orders a Meat Lover's pizza, she's giving you the green light for a threesome.

Kevin Covert
If she seems easy then my nigga.....
Kevin Covert
If she plays hard to get then my nigga...
There is so much I like about these tweets. First off, his name is Real Kevin Covert, so that helped, because there are a ton of fake Kevin Covert accounts out there. Next off is that Kevin is a white guy who ends every one of his tweets with "my nigga." There is a good chance that he must wear a special device so he doesn't drown on his own drool while trying to talk to people. So he decided to show his intelligence by unleashing these tweets back to back, and there really isn't a better way to let girls know that you are a potential rapist than tweeting out this. If she seems easy, he's going to get after it, and if they play hard to get, he's going to get after it still. Either way, she wants the dick. I'm really glad I'm a dude, because if I was a girl, I'd be terrified of all the guys who appear to be rapists on Twitter. But if a girl says she's scared of rapists, you guessed it, #shewantsthedick.

-Joe

P.S. If you only see one comedy this year, make sure it is Fast Five. It is by far the best movie of the franchise. I was nearly in tears within the first minute of the movie. It's a movie that gets most of its great moments through visuals, but there was some memorable dialogue as well. My favorite exchange involved The Rock and one of his subordinates.

Subordinate: I've got good news and bad news.
The Rock: You know I like my dessert first.
Subordinate: Blah, blah, blah, goes through the good news.
The Rock: Now give me the damn veggies.

I am not paying attention to any conversation that I have over the next few days until somebody tells me they have good news and bad news. I can't wait to enjoy my dessert, while knowing there are veggies up ahead.