Thursday, July 28, 2011

It's Not Easy Being Beautiful

There has been a recent uprising over the power of words and how offensive they can be. In the past, it has been about races, whether it be Blacks, Hispanics, or Asians, every racial group has some derogatory term associated with their people. Recently, those with a non-conventional sexual orientation have been abused and bullied. All of these examples are terrible and truly represent the worst society has to offer.

Unfortunately, I have noticed a disturbing trend developing. There's a new group of people suffering the same level of discrimination and vitriol from the general public. It's become so ingrained in our everyday lexicon that most people probably don't even think twice when saying it. It's not right, and it needs to stop. How do I know so much about these discriminated people? Because I am one. That's right, I'm talking about the unjust cruelty towards attractive people.

Let me just give you a hypothetical situation of an attractive male walking by a group of people:

Person 1: Wow, check out the ass on that one.
Person 2: That guy is so sexy.
Person 1: He may be the hottest guy I've ever seen.

These people say these things, enjoy the view, and go about their day. Everything's fine, right? Wrong. I know the pain of that person walking by, because I AM that person walking by. None of those people ever took their eyes off my body to look up and see that I was reading an interesting book. It just made me feel...cheap.

Beautiful people are constantly told to shut up and look pretty, so I will be the voice of the voiceless. I didn't sign up for this; it just happened that I came out incredibly attractive. But just summing me up as the hot guy is extremely disrespectful. It doesn't take into account that I am incredible writer with a beautiful voice that can West Coast Dance with the best in the world.

Some claim that it is okay because of the benefits of being attractive. But there's benefits to everything. Asians are good at math, homosexuals dress really well, and black people have huge...athleticism. Yes, I do have women complimenting me on how amazing I am...constantly, but it doesn't mean I should take verbal abuse everywhere I go and be reduced to a simple description of "Hot."

And yes, many of you may think that me referring to myself as Hott Joe is hypocritical on my part. But it's the opposite. Much like rappers using the n-word, I call myself Hott to take over possession of the word. I refuse to be a slave to my beauty.

I don't like to think about it, but at my funeral, I get the sad feeling that people aren't going to talk about how hilarious I am, my vast intellect, or even how great I am in bed. It'll just be the superficial stuff like how stunning my jawline is, how great I look with my shirt off, and how I look even better with my pants off. It's not fair...and it's not right.

But this is my cross to bear. Luckily with my chiseled muscles in all the right places, it will be one that I carry with nothing but grace, dignity, and stunning good looks.

I'm not just another pretty face, so please, think before you speak.

-Joe

P.S. If anybody would like to cheer me on, I will be running The Bix 7 this Saturday. I will have my shirt off, but please cheer me for my great running style, not my great looks.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Mariners Should Not Trade Felix Hernandez

I do not understand why every time that it is a trading season in baseball, people suggest that the Mariners should trade Felix Hernandez for prospects. Are the Mariners good right now? No, they are not good right now. Should they be looking towards the future? Yes, I think it's time to look towards 2012 and beyond, but this does not mean that giving up Felix Hernandez is a good idea.

First off, what kind of haul would make it worth their while? At first thought, people would think that Manny Banuelos, Dellin Betances, and Jesus Montero would be a great haul for the Mariners. But would it really? You're looking at two pitching prospects who always have the potential to break down and a hitter whose power has disappeared and if he improves his mobility, he might be able to play poorly at first base.

Does that sound like something the Mariners would want to do? No, that sounds like a ridiculously bad return for possibly the best pitcher in baseball. Yes, you can dream on prospects, but you don't have to dream on King Felix, because he's already awesome. And as great as building towards the future sounds, guess what? King Felix can help the Mariners in the future as well. The Mariners are not some small market team; they're owned by the same guys that own Nintendo, so if they need money, they've probably invented a real life Mario that can shit out gold coins.

On top of all of this, Felix is a goldmine for the Mariners as they have a whole section dedicated to his awesomeness every time he pitches. And he's a part of my favorite team commercial ever:

And when teams trade superstars, they almost always come out losers. Yes, the Rangers did do a hell of a job trading away Mark Teixeira to the Braves, but that is an exception, and I certainly wouldn't want to be the team that was betting on it happening again.

I realize there's this belief that every team that isn't the Yankees or Red Sox will lose their best players to those teams. Sometimes this is true, but when you have a generational talent like Felix Hernandez, you do not even think about trading him unless he makes it clear that he will not be resigning with the team. Judging by the fact that he is currently signed through 2014, I don't think they have much to worry about at the moment.

Long live Larry Bernandez.

-Joe

P.S. Since I'm talking baseball, here is an excellent article about the Braves' Brooks Conrad.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Chicks With Dicks

Due to anybody who joins the Facebook group being able to suggest an article for the blog, reader Jim simply proposed "Chicks With Dicks."

At first, I thought maybe I would be all clever and just post pictures of women with people named Richard. Get it...Chicks with Dicks. Yeah, it's semi-clever, but not funny, so I decided I would scrap that idea.

Then I realized another thing, I'm not googling "Chicks With Dicks." I'm not just terrified of seeing something I can't unsee, but I'm terrified of learning things I can't unlearn.

But then I remembered something about a much younger version of Hott Joe. A Hott Joe that had just moved from the Midwest to the big city. Not just any big city, Seattle, Washington.

Seattle is a city known for a few things; it rains a lot, it's very pretty, and there is a high concentration of homosexuals. It was summer, so the skies were clear. It was pretty, but I didn't go exploring the lakes and mountains by myself. But I did learn about one of the three as on my first full day in the city, I was definitely introduced to the homosexuals.

I decided to venture down to the Seattle Center, because I would be working near there and it's got the Space Needle and a bunch of other shit down there. Since it was a beautiful day (and I didn't have a car out there), I decided I'd walk the three miles to get down there. Everything was hunky-dory as I strolled around the city looking around at the buildings and noting where the local Hooters was. Getting to my destination was easy, just go towards the Space Needle, but things got strange as I got closer to the Seattle Center. I started seeing things. Things a guy from Iowa is not used to seeing.

There were scantily clad ladies all around. I remember seeing an abundance of these three things, fishnet, leather, and boas. But these whorish broads were not the ladies that I was used to seeing in the Midwest. These were big broads. And yeah, sure we have some cornfed ladies where I come from, but these bitches were built like linebackers.

Then I saw one of their faces.

These were not women at all. Just a bunch of dudes out to have a good time by dressing like ladies. These were chicks with dicks.

Did I mention I'm from Iowa? Not only had I never seen a transvestite, I literally didn't think that transvestites existed in the daytime. I thought I was just as likely to see a vampire as a transvestite during the day. It turns out, in Seattle, that's not the case, as they're out there, showing their Pride.

At first, I was frozen with shock. After the shock wore off, I realized that I didn't know what was going on, but I sure as hell wasn't going to stick around to find out.

I decided to put my head down and get out of there...I quickly learned that this was a bad decision as I was looking at things that I did not want to look at. This was a valuable lesson to learn. For Christ's sake, do not look down. When surrounded by chicks with dicks, make as much eye contact as possible, not only will you avoid seeing dude-pieces, but it will show the trannies that you have no fear. They respect that.

Although shaken, I made it through. During my first week of work, I told my co-workers of my adventure and learned that the Seattle Center is not always like that, but I had marched through and possibly with a gay pride parade.

Still, if there is just one thing you learn from this Chicks With Dicks post, let it be this...

Don't look down.

-Joe

P.S. People are picking sides. There can only be one. Hogan or Warrior? I'm going with this guy.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

West Coast Dance Has Spread To Jamaica

This video was posted on Grantland yesterday, and it is truly inspiring to see this level of West Coast Dance has spread into other countries to become an international dance craze. Here are some of my West Coast Dancing brothers in Jamaica showing you how to break it down:

There's a lot of great moves in this video, with some new moves mixed in with WCD classics.

They start off simple, just bouncing their body parts into a ladies caboose. Whether it be the hip, the dick, the ass, or even a sidekick, it's all in good WCD fun.

Another thing I love that is just briefly shown is playing the bongos on a girl's ass. Just tap-tap-tap that ass, and she'll absolutely love it. This is risky as you must make sure it's just a tap and not a grab. Also, try to limit your taps to groups of 2-4, so she only feels slightly demeaned by your actions. Any more, you may upset the girl, or even worse, get a mother hen involved.

My favorite moves are when they put their spin on some classic WCD moves. It's a staple for West Coast Dancers to get low instead of their lady dance partner. But to get low, then slowly spinning while tapping the girl's ass with different parts of your body is a very money maneuver. Shoulders are nice, but a headbutt to the rear end is a quality move that will have the ladies begging for more.

Finally, there is one thing that makes it evident that these guys aren't just high on drugs and are absolutely West Coast Dancers. They share these women, not as if they are some sort of sexual desire, but as if she's merely a prop to enhance their WCD moves. These women mean nothing to them, and all West Coast Dancers know what this does to the woman: It makes her want these guys more than she ever thought possible.

Let's face it. Ladies all around the world can't resist the raw sexuality of West Coast Dance.

-Joe

P.S. Want to see something else that is badass? Here's Shonn Greene running over Wisconsin:

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Ultimate Warrior Will Inspire You

When I first started writing about The Ultimate Warrior, I did it because I thought it would be hilarious. Then immediately after I made my decision, he decided to come out of hiding and become a master of social networking and self-promotion. That was obviously a very happy surprise for me, but after reading his tweets, watching his videos, and studying his artwork, I have learned there is far more to The Warrior than meets the eye.

The Ultimate Warrior has inspired me, and he has the power to inspire you too. Let's go on a journey through the mind of the Warrior, and remember to put on your jockstrap, because this ride is so awesome it may explode an unprotected ballsack.


The Ultimate Warrior
Crossfit, Kettlebells, OldSchool, Bodyweight, Core -- they ALL work. I despise bias marketing propaganda. ALL BS. Shut up. Train.
I figured I would start off with something that is low in inspiration (for Warrior's standards) but is just really good advice. If you're looking to get in better shape, don't look for the next fad workout, just work hard, and you will see results. Some might say the Warrior is all talk, but this video proves otherwise:

Warrior and I have very similar workout habits. He probably grunts louder and spits on himself a lot more, but I talk less and check myself out in the mirror more, so I'd call it a draw.


The Ultimate Warrior
People can do better things with their life potential than others but NO ONE has more potential than any other to start with.
The Ultimate Warrior
All of us are born with the potential to do great things and live great lives.
For those that can't fully comprehend the Warrior's inspiration, this is basically telling you to stop being a pussy and go for it. What is it? That's for you to figure out, you can't depend on Warrior for everything.

The Ultimate Warrior
Haters are good for me. Their hate jacks me up like steroids. In fact, I called my tailor and carpenter. Larger clothes. Bigger doorways.
Thinking of haters while working out is a surefire method to having a great workout. Plus, "Larger Clothes. Bigger Doorways" is my favorite meathead quote since "More Weights Equals More Dates." It's one of my mantras while I put up the big boy dumbbells at the gym.

The Ultimate Warrior
Live lives of truth. Inspire ME. I succeeded at being a sports entertainer, and I am proud of what we did together.
The Ultimate Warrior is a symbol of humility. He succeeded at being a sports entertainer, but he is proud of what WE did together. I'm proud to have contributed to his professional wrestling career. I am slightly less proud that I helped him give this speech.

The Ultimate Warrior
But, to me, YOU are ALL better than that. YOU can do better. You can turn the whole fucking world upside down. I can feel your power. W
This may seem a little lame and very After School Special-esque, but this is helpful. Think about this mantra when you are doing hard work. If you do this at work, you'll earn a promotion. If you do this in your social life, you will double your friends on Facebook. If you do this with your old lady, it won't take 9 months for a baby to pop out, it will take three months...and instead of a baby, you'll probably get a puppy. Feel the power.

And to wrap up, a video from The Warrior:

"If you want to be done with something, do it right the first time." I'm so pumped I could headbutt a roided out zebra. And you can bet your ass that I'll produce big puddles of guts while doing it.

-Joe

P.S. If that wasn't enough inspiration for you, enjoy some artwork from The Warrior:

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Unfortunately, Bros Are Still Icing Bros

Over a year ago, I wrote about how awful hipsters are and touched on what douchebaggery it takes to "Ice" one of your "bros". To quickly recap, here is the important excerpt from that article:

"V. They love irony. God damnit, do they love irony. Hence, you'll see them with super cool facial hair. They don't grow facial hair to look good, they do it to look back at historical facial hair to show how amusing it was. God, hipsters really need to go fuck themselves.

Another form of being ironic was just brought to my attention early last week. I came across it, thought, "Wow, people are turning into bigger douchebags than I ever thought possible." Luckily, it was so douchey that I never thought I would come across this situation. Then, on Friday, I saw groomsmen from my sister's wedding doing it to my new brother in law. After that, I got a message bringing up this phenomena and saying that I have been warned. I couldn't fucking believe it. I hope everyone who has done this realizes that this is hipster behavior. What is this behavior? Something called Bros Icing Bros. It is people who give their buddy a Smirnoff Ice, and he has to chug it while taking a knee or be banished from the icing game. Really guys? It's "hilarious" because Smirnoff Ice is so shitty, and you're making your buddy drink it. Oh wait, only total douchebags would find that entertaining. Just so everybody knows, if you "ice" me, you're just going to waste the $4 that it costs to buy a Smirnoff. I won't drink it, I won't give a shit if you whine about it, it'll simply go to waste or you can drink it. Enjoy that swill, hipster.

It's not that hard to create a game like that. I can create a game called Bros Getting Bros Shitty. When having a great time with your friends, you shit into a bowl or cup and present it to your buddy. Your buddy has to eat that shit unless he shows that he's actually already shit his pants. Let the good times roll, assclowns."


I will quickly acknowledge that my Bros Getting Bros Shitty idea absolutely blows Bros Icing Bros out of the water. Bros Icing Bros is something only a goddamned hipster would do, and I thought this fad would fade out rather quickly, because you'd have to be an absolute tool to do it. Unfortunately, it has not.

I was out drinking this weekend, and all of the people that I was with are good, fun people. That's what makes this story so sad to me. A couple of the people decided to surprise my buddy with an icing when they presented him with a 24 ounce Smirnoff Ice. Everyone I was with thought this was awesome and one of the most fun things they have ever witnessed. Although I find this behavior reprehensible, it didn't affect me, so I had no reason to worry about it.

Then, shit changed.

They proposed an idea, and the idea frankly scared the shit out of me. Their idea of a good time would be to ice everyone at their wedding reception so everyone would "hilariously" chug a Smirnoff Ice on one knee. They thought it would be so awesome, because they force everyone to drink that before letting them drink anything else.

This is the worst idea since...nope, it's the worst idea ever. Blowing a dolphin is a better idea than this. If I found out that a wedding reception was going to do this, I could be the best man, and I would still skip it. If you try to surprise me with this, not only will I immediately leave your wedding, I will search through the gifts and take mine back, because at that point, it will be clear to me that you do not deserve a hilarious and/or cheap card with $20 in it.

So don't do that for your wedding. In fact, don't do that at all. If you ice me and you're lucky, I will politely decline. If you are unlucky, I will proceed to pour the Smirnoff out on the floor while giving you the middle finger. I will then have someone throw me two Natural Lights, and I will open them, smash them together and drink them Stone Cold style. Drinking beers like Stone Cold Steve Austin is both hilarious and awesome, making it the total opposite of Bros Icing Bros.

And if you still want to "Ice" me, be prepared for a rousing game of Bros Getting Bros Shitty, and trust me, in that game, there are no winners.

-Joe

P.S. SBNation got an interview with the world's most famous Cardinals fan, and it may be my favorite interview of all time. I also highly recommend that you check out his Twitter account, as it's a mixture of creepy adoration of Ryan Theriot and blatant racism. In case you're unfamiliar, here is a picture of this St. Louis Legend:

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Bronies Are Jabronies

When reader Jacob asked me to write about Bronies, I was confused. At first, I thought he was shortening the word jabronies and he wanted me to write about the worst wrestlers in professional wrestling history. That's an awesome idea for an article, and I still might do it. My next thought was that maybe he was just missing the "w" in brownies, and he feels like it's the best dessert of all time (he'd be wrong, it's cupcakes). But then he told me to Google it, and it was much more disturbing than either of those ideas.

Bronies are adult males who love My Little Pony. Yes, I am talking about this My Little Pony:
So I thought I could write about the men who love My Little Pony, but they really aren't that interesting. They're just a bunch of adults who watch My Little Pony. It's a lot like my group of friends, except we chose the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and because of that, we are not incredibly depressing losers.

But there must be something behind this show. So I decided to watch an episode on YouTube. I have to say I'm not very familiar with the show. I think my sister may have had some of the toys, but my childhood memories of watching cartoons primarily center around G.I. Joe, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Hulk Hogan's Rock n' Wrestling. At first I was going to watch Episode 1, so I wouldn't be confused on anything, but it was a two-parter, and I really didn't want to be left with a cliffhanger, so I decided to take my chances and go with Episode 13, "Fall Weather Friends".

:58 - I'm less than a minute in, and I am thanking this YouTube poster for providing a description, because these two characters who are playing a game of Horseshoes have called each other approximately 600 different names while talking shit back and forth. Luckily, I know that the blue Pegasus is Rainbow Dash and the pony with the cowboy hat is Applejack.

1:19 - Applejack wins the game of horseshoes (obviously). Rainbow Dash is pissed, so she does the obvious thing: She challenges Applejack to an iron pony contest.

6:06 - They have been competing in a bunch of stupid events and each keep taking their turn winning. They show eight events, and then announce that they are halfway through and the score is 5-5. I have no idea what the other two events were, but I'm guessing they were not safe to be shown to children.

8:05 - Rainbow Dash proceeds to win the next ten events, because she has wings. I found this outrageous, and so did Applejack, so she calls her out on it. RD's use of wings really parallels Barry Bonds' use of steroids in baseball. Some would argue that there were no rules against it, while others see it as blatant cheating and think that RD and Bonds disgraced their games.

9:31 - They are now running a marathon to see who the best pony is, with one stipulation: There will be no use of wings allowed.

11:14 - There is now a purple horse involved called Twilight. RD and AJ are laughing at her, because she's a nerd and can't win the race. She says she's never run a race but has read books about it. If this bitch, Twilight, wins the race, I'm going to be pissed.

14:35 - I'm pretty sure Joe Buck learned how to announce from this show. These announcers are the worst, especially Pinkie Pie. The show is in on the joke, which I'm sure nerds love, but it doesn't make it less annoying.

20:20 - RD and AJ battle it out and tumble to the finish line. They tie...for last place. Twilight took fifth, so at least I don't have to be pissed.

21:30 - Some Super Princess Pony teaches them a valuable lesson about behaving properly. AJ and RD decide to become great friends, and all is well in Equestria.

So, what did I learn from watching MLP? Not much. The show is tolerable, but not good. I have no interest in becoming a bronie. There's really no room for that in my life. But I am proud to be a Broski. Woo woo woo, you know it.

-Joe

P.S. What's the fastest growing domestic beer? That's right, Natty Light, bitches. Suck on that.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Ultimate Warrior's Fatherly Advice

So, The Ultimate Warrior tweets so fast that I can't keep up with everything that he says. Hence, about a month late, I would like to tackle his advice from Father's Day on how to be the ULTIMATE parent (you see what I did there?). I don't have kids, and I'm currently single, so unless something goes terribly wrong, I shouldn't have to worry about this type of stuff. Still, I think caring for a child is a lot like caring for a dog, so maybe I'll be inspired to get a puppy when all is said and done.

The Ultimate Warrior
Happy Father's Day to all the REAL dads who get that Fatherhood is more than an orgasm. Warrior handshakes to u. Big hugs to your kids. AB-W
Seems like a simple and effective message. Nice job, Warrior.

The Ultimate Warrior
#2 Being their protector and provider. #3 Looking straight into their eyes when I explain something to them or disipline them.
Oh, you're doing a list. Well, I'm not sure if realizing that fatherhood is more than an orgasm or big hugs to your kids is the first piece of advice, but either way, hey, let's check out this list. I like this early advice of staring into their advice to show that you have no weaknesses. I recently had a child hit a tennis ball that hit me in a very sensitive area. I wanted to cry, but I did not cry. Never show weakness.

The Ultimate Warrior
#4 Telling teachers who try to teach them p/c & morally relative ideas or try kill their unique creative individuality to back the F' OFF.
I love this advice, because as this blog makes pretty clear, I love freedom of speech, but I also like to imagine the look of terror on the teacher's face when The Ultimate Warrior tells them to "Back the fuck off." I would not blame them if they peed themselves.

The Ultimate Warrior
#5 Reading my girls to sleep every night and then sitting in the candlelight watching them breath while they are asleep.
Can we use a Batman nightlight if we don't have candles? It's just my preference. And also, once I see that their nervous system does keep them breathing while sleeping, can I leave and play video games? I mean, the Bears aren't going to win a Super Bowl in real life, so I'd like to at least get it accomplished on Madden.

The Ultimate Warrior
#6 Standing at the sink, cupping their tiny hands in my big ones, washing theirs for them. #7 Their smell. #8 Hearing them say, Daddy.
This is where we run into problems. Number six can be seen as advice for fathers, but #7 is most definitely not advice. He lost track of what he was listing and then just starts naming things that he likes about his children. Well, shit, Warrior, that isn't going to help me be a better father. And what if I'm born with a child who has no smell? Should I love him less? I'm not sure, because you stopped giving any fucking advice on the topic.

The Ultimate Warrior
#9 Their groans when I make them eat their egg whites. #10 How they snuggle up in my lap half-way through every movie. #11 Tiny, soft kisses
And you won me back. Any parent who makes their child eat egg whites instead of eggs is so unbelievably awesome that I could never stay mad at them. And he also went back to advice since he subtly promotes feeding children egg whites. Personally, with most people's diets, the difference in cholesterol between eggs and egg whites probably isn't going to make a substantial difference, but it's something I'll keep in mind when looking for ways to subtly torture my children.

The Ultimate Warrior
#12 My daughter Mattigan’s wit and defiance-- like her mother’s. #13 My daughter Indiana’s concentration and intensity -- like who?
Do you mean like this guy?
I sure hope not, because if so, she's going to have a ton of brain damage.

And so wraps up The Warrior's fatherly advice. There was a lot of stuff in there, but I believe the important stuff is tell their teachers to fuck off, get a good nightlight, and feed them egg whites. Definitely feed them egg whites.

-Joe

P.S. This screenshot from LOLSlater is the only good thing that came from the Tori years.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Let's Check In With Jose Canseco

So apparently Jose had a mild (by his standards) breakdown on Twitter on Friday night. Unfortunately, by the time I woke up on Saturday morning, the posts had been deleted, and outside of him giving out his ex-girlfriend's phone number and telling interested parties to bring weed if they wanted to enjoy her company, I'm really not too sure what else he said.

But one night of a meltdown is never enough, so let's check in on Jose and see how he's doing.

Jose Canseco

I will never forget or forgive what u said to me leila ur evil
Okay, so apparently they're not back together. But what did she say? I was thinking about the worst things somebody could say to Jose Canseco, and these were the best I could come up with:


If she said number three, I'd be disappointed in her, if it was two, I'd be impressed with her creativity, but if she said number one, that's just mean.

Jose Canseco

Be careful with woman who show off there tits and ass and think that's a career
I agree; there is a good chance they'll tell you that they can sex you for ten hours straight, but their version of sex is actually just them eating cupcakes. But that might just be a Midwest stripper thing.
Jose Canseco

Or have a bad drug problem u can't fix them
Wait, women with bad drug problems can't be spayed. Because if you can do it to a dog without its permission, I don't see why you can't do it to a woman without her permission. Avoid overpopulation, get your lady fixed today.
Jose Canseco

Would love to meet a nice holesome midwest girl here in chicago. We play tomorrow night at 7 pm in zion if anyone is out there for me
Jose has really lowered his standards. He's gone from Madonna to "holesome" girls. I mean, if your only criteria is that a woman has multiple holes, you really shouldn't have too hard of a time finding a mate. I mean, I've heard that those LA women are surgically altered and everything, but the fact that Jose has to come to the Midwest to find a "holesome" girl makes me very worried about what surgeries are actually happening out west.
Jose Canseco

wholesome
Oh, I guess that makes more sense.

-Joe

P.S. This is an excellent way to propose to your main squeeze:

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Dumbest Stripper I Have Ever Met

So I went to a wedding on Saturday, and it turned out very well. I had a great time, made up a new West Coast Dance move where I pretend to search through drawers looking for something to wear; the ladies went wild for it. I was invited to go to a party full of sexy singles after the reception, and sure, I could have gone and let my dancin' lead to romancin', but I chose to go my own path.

I met up with some friends who were out celebrating a buddy's birthday, and they immediately wanted to head to a strip club that I had never been to but was very familiar with. I had heard many stories about this place, so the thought of heading there made me queasy. Things only went downhill from there.

My favorite thing about strippers is unintentional comedy, but at the strip club, there is a very fine line between humor and things that make you want to vomit. This place was full of the latter.

When we walk in, I look up to the stage and see a 200 pound girl wearing nothing but a thong bikini. It was at that moment that I wanted to go from brown out to black out, but my attempts proved useless, as I remember nearly everything.

The 200 pound stripper didn't disgust me nearly as much as the stripper that I had the unfortunate opportunity to have a conversation with. I remember that she was ugly and ethnic looking, but she could have been Asian, Mexican, or even Canadian. None of that matters, because as bad as she looked, her personality was 1000 times worse.

I don't know how she got into this topic, but she claimed that she has sex for ten straight hours. My initial thought was that she laid there while dudes took turns pounding her for ten hours. She claimed she was active throughout the ten hours. I immediately called her on her bullshit. I'm not sure if I have done any single thing for ten hours straight in the last year. I haven't watched TV for ten straight hours, I haven't played video games for ten straight hours, hell, I can't even sleep for ten straight hours. But this random hog is able to actively bang for ten straight hours? Come on, let's be real here.

She then tried to prove it by saying there are guys who will back up her story, but that's absolutely ridiculous, because of course whatever ass clown she calls up will say they banged for ten hours. If I got a call from a girl I knew, and she said, "Hey, I'm having a conversation with this guy and he doesn't believe me when I say that I only have sex with beautiful men with ripped bodies, will you confirm that you are beautiful and have the body of a god?" Even if it wasn't true, of course I am going to respond with yes, because it makes me look great. It proves absolutely nothing.

Finally, after repeatedly telling her that she was full of shit and making it very clear that there was not enough alcohol in the world for me to have sex with her, she left and my night immediately got better.

Ladies, if you're interested in 10 hours of sex with me, don't be, because unless I can play a game of Madden on your tits, I'm going to get bored with it. Sure, I understand why people embellish stories to make themselves appear more interesting, but I don't need to, because I really am this damn amazing.

-Joe

P.S. Here's a Coors Light commercial where JCVD promotes beer and West Coast Dance:

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Casey Anthony Verdict Is Not a Bad Thing For the American Justice System

I actually know very little about the case, which is actually a good thing for my credibility in this matter. I know Casey Anthony was accused of killing at least one kid, maybe more, but none of the facts about this case really matter for the point I am about to make.

Our justice system is set up to let people free if there is a reasonable doubt that they did not commit a crime. This is a very good thing. Yes, it means that sometimes murderers are let free, but with a little research, it's clear that the justice system does a much better job of putting murderers behind bars than they did 100 years ago.

I recently read a book called Popular Crime, which I cannot recommend highly enough. I have never read any book about crime, because it isn't a topic that interests me all that much, but this was a phenomenal book. In it, there are gruesome stories about people killing women, hacking up family members, and raping children. These are all awful things that our entire society hopes to prevent from ever happening again, but I can't say that any of these things really worried me. I'm not a woman, and I'm not a child, so those two are out, and everyone in my immediate family is far more successful than I am, so it's not like they're going to kill me out of jealousy.

But that doesn't mean that some stories weren't hard for me to read. There were a few examples of murders that really scared me. It wasn't the murder itself, but the trial that followed that scared me. These were stories of innocent men being convicted of murder. These men were sentenced to life in prison for a crime that they had nothing to do with. Eventually, one of the men was pardoned by the governor, set free, and was immediately executed by an angry mob.

That is a failure of our justice system. Casey Anthony may have murdered her daughter, and from the outrage on Twitter and Facebook, it seems to me that most people think she did. But there wasn't enough evidence presented to the jury for them to make that decision. In an individual case, this may look like a failure, but in the grand scheme of things, this is a success for our justice system. Instead of jurors being overwhelmed by their emotions in a case about the death of a child, they sided with logic and reason and came to the conclusion that there was a reasonable doubt that Casey Anthony did not commit murder.

Casey Anthony may not be going to prison, but let's face it, her life is ruined. What is she going to do in her life? She'll hang out with low-lifes and losers, because those are the only people that will accept her. I haven't heard anyone making the claim that they are worried she will kill again, because it's highly unlikely that she will. She does not pose a serious threat to society.

If she did murder her child, I understand where people would think that the verdict sucks, but I would much rather let someone get away with murder than falsely convicting an innocent man of the same. This isn't a failure of our justice system; it's just not the verdict most people wanted to see.

-Joe

P.S. Some of the details from the book may be slightly off since I am recounting this from memory, but the gist of the stories from the book are maintained.

P.P.S. If this post bummed you out, here is a video of a fridge that shoots out beer: