Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Best of 2011

I have always seen myself as a humble person, but even with my humility, it's plain to see that I am an expert on just about everything in this world. That is why I am the quintessential person to offer the best of 2011. I will cover sports, music, television, and pop culture, so sit back, grab a Natty Light, and enjoy.

Best Album - Steel Panther - Balls Out
This album destroyed every other album from 2011. Song titles from this album include "Just Like Tiger Woods", "Weenie Ride", and "It Won't Suck Itself". Honestly, "It Won't Suck Itself" might be the cleanest song on the album. My favorite songs are probably Critter, That's What Girls Are For, and Tomorrow Night. Get this album immediately, and learn how to go "Balls Out."


Half Hour Show - Workaholics
With all due respect to Parks and Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Archer, Workaholics was the funniest show in 2011. Not only is this show hilarious, but they also give shout outs to pro wrestling all the time. I thought the bodybuilding episode would always be the best, but watch Hedonism II, and try to not cry from laughter. So, tighten that butthole, and make sure to watch this show. AYO Maggots!

One Hour Show - Franklin and Bash
Um, yeah, this show is awesome. They are two hotshot lawyers who play by their own rules, which is alsoa a lot like the show Suits (which I also enjoy), but they also constantly throw the greatest hot tub parties in the history of hot tubs. A Hot Tub Time Machine would be the most boring story ever at a Franklin and Bash party. I'm already giddy for season two.

Best Football Writer - Ben Muth
This is just a random category that I needed to put in here to give credit where credit is due. Although it was tough for me to go against Iowa alum, Matt Bowen, of National Football Post, Ben Muth of Football Outsiders was the best football writer this year. Why? Because he is in his second year of doing nothing but breaking down the play of the offensive line. I'm sure I'm the only person who is ecstatic about this, but give his weekly article a chance. I think you'll be impressed, and you'll definitely learn a thing or two.

Best Book I Read - Cardboard Gods
So I usually don't read books right when they come out, because, um, they're books, so who gives a shit? But this was the best book I read this year. I actually heard a lot of recommendations, but kept putting it off because a book about baseball cards sounded kind of stupid. But honestly, that opinion was stupid of me, because this book was really fantastic. I usually like to read things in short spurts while mixing it in with other things, but this book was just a fascinating read that I couldn't put down. It's not just a book for sports fans either, as it's a great read for anybody.

Best Wrestler - Zack Ryder
This was the toughest decision that I had to make. Dolph Ziggler has absolutely dominated the last few months of 2011, and even became the best part of Z! True Long Island Story for a few weeks in a row. But, Zack Ryder and his YouTube show were really the reason that I found myself invested in professional wrestling again. Ryder gets extra credit for his buddy, The Big O, giving us the best meathead quote of the year, "More Weights Equals More Dates." Congratulations go to everyone's favorite Broski, but 2012 belongs to Ziggler. #HEEL

Best West Coast Dance Move - Fake Ejaculation
With all due respect to the territorial housecat, the elephant, and the curious gopher, Fake Ejaculation was the winning move from 2011. It goes gangbusters no matter what crowd is in your presence. A lot of people like to stimulate sexual actions, with such classic moves as the jerk-off and the hump, but adding that extra level, with simulated ejaculation brings every move to a whole new level. Seriously, the next time you are out at a club, picking up bridesmaids at a wedding, or have found yourself as a chaperone at a high school dance, throw out a Fake Ejaculation, and you're guaranteed to be the life of the party.

-Joe

P.S. I heard this on the Art of Wrestling podcast, and if I had a category of Best Pro Wrestling Theme Music I Just Found This Year, it would be this song for Cactus Jack, as I cannot stop listening to this song.

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