Monday, April 9, 2012

Film Review: Albino Farm (Starring Chris Jericho)

I was bored Saturday night. I was invited to go out drinking, but that seemed played out, so I checked to see what was On Demand. I checked out TMC On Demand, because I like to start low and work my way up. First option on the list? Albino Farm. When I saw the name Albino Farm, one thought crossed my mind, “Oh shit, that movie is going to be awful.” Then I clicked on the info and realized I had no choice but to watch it when I saw “Starring: Chris Jericho.” Well, that changes everything. Now this movie has gone from a less humane way of cutting myself to a fascinating look at how professional wrestlers transition into the movie business.

We are introduced to our four main characters who are doing a project for a class in college. There is the nerdy girl who is pretty hot, so she’s clearly going to surive. There’s her slutty friend; she’s dead. There’s an Indian guy, so he doesn’t have a shot of living. And then there is my favorite character. We are introduced to their version of Stiffler, who has no chance of living, but all movies with teenagers/college students needs to have a Stiffler character, and this guy is a total bro. He’s all about getting drunk and getting laid, holler! They go to a diner where this woman has large breasts. So what does he order? Cantaloupes! Ha, great breast pun bro.

Then Bro and Slut meet Jericho, and he offers to take them to the legendary Albino Farm, but Slut’s gotta let his two teenaged friends feel her up. Slut is having none of this, but Bro negotiates down to her just flashing them, and she’s cool with that. Now that’s what I call a great neBROtiation (I nearly ended this post right here, because there is no way I am topping that line).

So Slut and Bro go to the Albino Farm, and Bro gets his leg caught in a bear trap. Slut leaves to find help, but Bro gets taken to a cabin where he meets a lady. She is deformed, but is also hot to trot. She rips off her shirt to show her boobs, and I thought Bro was going to love it, but he was all like, “Aw, hell no, gross,” because he’s a deep bro who cares about more than just boobs. Deformed girl starts playing with herself while grinding her ass on the floor.

Meanwhile, Nerd Girl and Indian find a 70 year old woman breastfeeding…YUP.

Then, some drama and suspense happen. Bro dies, which is a bummer. I start falling asleep, but Slut and Indian die, obviously. And then Nerd Girl goes to some congregation in a tent, where Jericho is both a member of the audience and the preacher (ACTING!). I’m not sure why, but Nerd Girl basically just goes, “Aw, fuck it,” and joins in with the crazy song, which I’m pretty sure creates a binding contract between her and the cult.

The End.

And just so we’re clear: Although I enjoyed writing this review, this was not an enjoyable movie to watch. It was not nearly as entertaining as Scarecrow Gone Wild and can never be mentioned in the same sentence as Adam & Evil, two fantastic B-rated horror movies films.

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