Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Breaking Down The Lyrics of Thomas Rhett's "Beer With Jesus"

I usually don't listen to the radio in the car, as I'd rather crank up the iPod and listen to some podcasts (Seriously, listen to My Brother, My Brother, and Me). The other day, I forgot my iPod, so I was stuck searching for whatever music was available. I switched to a country station, because I used to like country. I don't really like it too much anymore, but I thought there might be a new song that would be about partying or drinking excessively that I could jam out to. Instead, I heard Thomas Rhett's "Beer With Jesus." If you would like to listen to the song, I have embedded it below, but I seriously recommend that you do not put yourself through that:

You didn't think it could be that bad, did you? It's so horrifically white trash that I just had to break down each and every awful lyric of this song.

If I could have a beer with Jesus

This is the point where my jaw dropped while listening to the song. I nearly swerved off the road, but I was able to keep a semblance of composure. But, I mean...fuck, seriously? I cannot imagine having this white trash of a thought. This is the same level of intelligence that leads to people drinking drano. "It unclogs drains, and I have been feeling a little backed up lately." Why? Why would you write a song about a hypothetical opportunity to have a beer with Jesus? It's got to be a side effect of being inbred.

Heaven knows I’d sip it nice and slow

Because Heaven knows all, DURR!

I’d try to pick a place that ain’t too crowded
Or gladly go wherever he wants to go

Shit, you ever think that maybe Jesus would want to go to church? Since that's all he preached about while on Earth. No, I'm sure he'd want to go to a bar with some white trash country singer to have a fucking Miller Lite. What a great use of Jesus' time. I hope somebody slips Jesus ecstasy and he spends the whole night dancing with glow-sticks.

You can bet I’d order up a couple tall ones

Thanks for getting beers instead of asking what Jesus wants, you selfish prick.

Tell the waitress put ‘em on my tab

Well, at least Jesus doesn't have to pay for the swill you are about to order him.

I’d be sure to let him do the talkin’

I imagine Rhett just staring at Jesus, and Jesus staring back, each waiting for the other one to start the conversation. Rhett is doing it, because he's creepy and not very good with people. Jesus doing it, because he's polite, and Rhett did invite him here to talk.

Careful when I got the chance to ask

This is right before the refrain, and I have to say that the suspense was killing me during this short break, because I knew he was going to say something stupid, but I had no idea how stupid it was going to be. Needless to say, he did not disappoint.

How’d you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me

I have read this line 50 times, and it still makes no sense. How did Jesus turning the other cheek save you? Wait, did you punch Jesus? And do you see him as The Ultimate Fighter that could just crush you if he wasn't willing to turn the other cheek? Who the hell taught you about Jesus?

Do you hear the prayers I send
What happens when life ends
And when you think you’re comin’ back again
I’d tell everyone, but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus

The arrogance of this asshole to think Jesus is going to reveal his master plan to him? And then blatantly telling Jesus that he would ruin the surprise. Also, anytime he mentions beer with Jesus, I lose my shit, because it is beyond white trash. If this song speaks to you, you should not be allowed to speak to other people.

If I could have a beer with Jesus
I’d put my whole paycheck in that jukebox

His whole paycheck in the jukebox? Since we have established that he is white trash, we will give him $300 for his paycheck. At 50 cents a song and 3 minutes a song, that's 30 hours of music. Great, the only place you can take Jesus to is Vegas, so you have a bar that will stay open for 30 hours. And honestly, you'll probably get kicked out, since, even with a 16 ounce beer, you will be drinking half an ounce an hour. I'm sure the waitress will fucking love you two.

Fill it up with nothing but the good stuff

You know damn well that he is playing 30 straight hours of this song. Thomas Rhett is that awful and that clueless.

Sit somewhere we couldn’t see a clock

Clearly, Thomas Rhett sees Jesus as an impatient asshole who is just going to be staring at his watch the entire time, so no clocks around. But really, if he was with you, he would have no choice. You are wasting his time. Let Jesus turn more water into booze, and pick up chicks with his walk on water trick. Ladies love magic like that.

Ask him how’d you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me
Have you been there from the start

I imagine Jesus immediately replying "No" to this question, and then confronting Thomas for clearly NEVER reading a goddamn bible. Dude, there is this thing called the Old Testament, Jesus, like believes in that book, and it all happened before him.

How’d you change a sinner’s heart

By making him listen to this song until he changed his evil ways. Torture is a magnificent tool.

And is heaven really just beyond the stars
I’d tell everyone, but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus

He can probably only stay, for just a couple rounds
But I hope and pray he’s stayin’ till we shut the whole place down

I'm worried for Jesus' safety. Clearly, Thomas Rhett is not a thinking man, but he seems determined to spend as much time with Jesus as possible. I hope Jesus has his all-knowing powers turned on, because there is a very good chance that Thomas Rhett is planning to roofie him, tie him up in his basement, and have beers with Jesus for the rest of his life.

Ask him how’d you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me
What’s on the other side?
Is mom and daddy alright?
And if it ain’t no trouble tell them I said hi

Your plan has been to get Jesus shitty beers, make him listen to 30 hours of his music, and roofie him. Saying hi is the least of his troubles.

I’d tell everyone but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus
I’d tell everyone but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus

Jesus got nailed to a cross, and I guarantee he'd take that 100 times over before he would have a beer with Thomas Rhett. Dying for our sins is one thing, listening to this song is a whole nother level of sacrifice. Let's face it; Jesus got off easy. 

7 comments:

  1. I am a Christian and I see this song as having a casual conversation with Jesus. After all it is not saying "getting drunk with Jesus". No offense but I would much rather listen to the song then read your cursing comments on it. The next time you defend Jesus, you might want to leave those out..

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    1. My favorite part of your comment is "No offense but..." And then you just give a reasonable opinion without anything remotely offensive. We may disagree on this song, but you seem like a decent person. And unfortunately, I curse about everything, but God made me that way, and I am special like a snowflake.

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    2. God did not make you that way - sin made you that way. And you are unique but you are still a sinner, I do not know if you have been saved or not but if you were then somewhere you did not understand that God has put an end to sin in the human condition by the coming of Jesus Christ. I don't know where you got your theology but it was not in the Word of God. For even Jesus said I will not drink of the vine till I drink it anew in my Father's kingdom' and it was not intoxication or drinks that would get you intoxicated.

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    3. Ivan, your argument doesn't work on a number of levels. God made sin by giving us free will, so he did technically make me this way. My status as a precious snowflake remains. He did not put an end to sin; I don't know where you got that from, but it definitely wasn't hte bible. Finally, Jesus turned water into wine, so you know he got shitfaced on the reg.

      Hott Joe wins again.

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  2. So, Hott Joe, nice name by the way. I can't help but think it should be Not Hott Joe. :) I am curious as to what kind of classy, non white trash music you listen to based on your comment, “…I thought there might be a new song that would be about partying or drinking excessively that I could jam out to.” Personally, I listen to a little bit of everything (except pop, alternative screamer, or just plain annoying music) including songs about partying and drinking along with songs by Thomas Rhett. I would say there’s a lot of pure crap on country radio such as Taylor Swift, The Band Perry, etc. but I completely disagree with your review of “Beer with Jesus” and Thomas Rhett. Good songs are ones that that make you think and make you feel. Obviously you thought quite about this song while breaking it down. Thomas Rhett is a good songwriter because his music does connect to people, it makes you think, and it can be amusing too. All of his songs sound really good or even better acoustic and to me that is a very good indicator that someone can really sing and write. Too much music of all genres is “overprocessed”. I would agree with the other person who commented that this song is about a conversation with Jesus. After all isn’t that what praying really should be – a conversation and developing a relationship with Jesus? Whether the conversation happens in a bar, while taking a walk, driving a car, in a church, in a jail, on a battlefield, or wherever it’s about the connection not about where you are. Don’t you think that’s how Jesus would want to connect to people (just like he did 2,000+ year ago) by being personal, talking, and creating a bond? What do good friends do? They hang out, they have a drink, they have a meal, they relax, and they talk. I don’t think Jesus would be like those dumbass evangelists in those mega-church auditoriums trying to make everyone swoon around them and asking for all their money! So after wasting my time reading your review I would have to say to other readers “I seriously recommend that you do not put yourself through that.”

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  3. Definitely should have read some of your other stuff first... before I took your song review as half-ass serious. Dolphin sex!? Soaking??? I just may have to "like" you on facebook.

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