Thursday, October 4, 2012

I Hate the Verizon NFL Mobile Commercial

Have you seen the Verizon NFL Mobile commercial? It's an abortion. It is so bad that it makes me want to take a stand against Verizon. Unfortunately, they provide by far the best service in my area, and I am in the middle of a contract, so yeah, they will be keeping my business for the foreseeable future. That does not mean that I cannot hate this commercial with a fiery passion.

Even in bad commercials, I can usually find something I like, so let's start with that.
1. Diversity - At least they have some different races and sexes in there. Also, let's face it, the blonde guy is probably a homosexual, so bravo on that progressive thinking.

Now onto the bad.

Here is our protagonist. His name is Andy, and he appears to live in New Orleans since everyone loves the Saints. We also know he is a nerd because he wears plain clothes, has a stupid haircut, and most importantly, wears glasses. If he had paint-stained overalls, he could be the girl from She's All That. Lord knows he has the tits to play the part, but we'll get to that later. Here's Andy:
We start off with him deciding that, although he has never watched football before, he should join in on a conversation that he was not a part of and comment about how great the game was. He immediately gets shunned for his idiocy.

Then he goes to his cave and remembers that he has Verizon cell phone service, and he can get highlights from games to make him a better football fan. Andy has not learned of ESPN or The Internet, which probably means he doesn't even have nerd friends. He sucks in every way imaginable.
Andy has no friends, which means he does not have a family. Yet he is at a little girl's birthday party. He not only crashed a young girl's birthday party but willingly wore a tiara. This is where things get really scary. He either stole that tiara from a little girl (this is the good option), or he BROUGHT A TIARA WITH HIM TO THE PARTY. This is the serial killer option. Andy should not be allowed around people. He should not be around animals either. A plastic plant would be a good friend for him.
11 seconds in, with no prompt, he announces "Shotgun formation" to everyone around him. If I was watching football with someone and all of a sudden, they blurted out "Shotgun formation," I would assume they had Tourrettes. He makes it even worse by looking at the guy next to him either for affirmation or because he plans on wearing his skin as a dress. Notice how he has lost his glasses and is wearing nicer clothes.

15 seconds in is where I get my angriest. This stillshot captures everything that I despise:
Oh, God, where to start? Let's go with the elephant in the room. Maybe that is not what someone should be wearing if they have saggy man-boobs. It disgusts me every time I see this, not just in a commercial but in real life as well. Your Under Armour is not going to make you stronger. 

He is not the only one dressed like an asshole in this frame. The woman is flashing cleavage, and there is no evidence of her wearing anything to cover her lady parts. Okay, so she is actually pretty awesome for doing that. 

The dude next to her is not just wearing a tank top, but he's got that extra, extra deep V on his tank top.

The dude next to him wore an orange hoodie with the sleeves cut off. I have never seen that, nor have I ever conceived of someone doing that in my wildest imagination.

Think I'm done? Think again. There is an asshole putting up 135 on the bench wearing cargo shorts. He was supposed to be spotted by orange sleeveless hoodie guy, but he left to go watch the game.

Which brings me to my final point. Why are they watching this game on his phone? They are in New Orleans. There are TVs at the gym. Just watch the TV at the gym. Imagine the rage you would feel if you couldn't use a bench because four people, all dressed like assholes want to watch on the two inch screen instead of the 40 inch TVs at the gym. I still hate Man Boobs the most.
And we have reached full evolution. Because of Verizon, this man has gained better vision, a greater fashion sense, and more money as he can now afford fancy clothes. It will not give you better knowledge of football as he proclaims the Saints as, "The best defense in the league." The only way that is a reasonable statement is if Verizon only gets footage from early 90s games, and he has seen nothing but Sam Mills and Renaldo Turnbull tearing through people. He is going to look like a real asshole when he doesn't realize there are teams in Jacksonville and Carolina and keeps calling the team in Houston "The Oilers." 

At least he's not the biggest asshole in the final part. That award goes to this guy:
Clay Matthews. Somebody is innocently rooting for their team in his presence, and he has to have a big sissy fit about it. His witty remark is, "I will eat you." Yep, Matthews is threatening to go all Dahmer on them for liking a team that he does not play for. They aren't even badmouthing the Packers, just enjoying their own team. Clay Matthews, stop being such a dick...and don't eat people. That is not how adults solve their problems.

After this, the commercial finally, mercifully, ends. Every time this commercial comes on, I calm myself by texting on my Verizon phone and watching the NFL to soothe my nerves. DAMN YOU VERIZON/NFL PARTNERSHIP!


  1. Hott Joe,
    I wrote you a response. I hope you enjoy it.

  2. I did take time to read your post. It was really awful writing. You should have someone read it over for you, because it's not only written poorly, it also doesn't make much sense. Here's one of the many things that stood out:

    "From here on, however, I could not disagree more with your assessment of this commercial... I do actually agree with you about the "man-boob" comment."

    Apparently, you could disagree with me more. Better luck next time, Vinny.

  3. Got a good laugh out of this. I do think I might hate the girl Verizon commerical just a little bit more. Why the f*** would Drew Brees be at a barbeque with her?

  4. Funny article. Vincent is apparently a witless 14 year old with an internet connection.

    1. Yeah, but the beauty of the internet is that even kids like Vince can share their incoherent thoughts.

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  6. I live in Iowa, but thank you so much for your help, Dokan. I will be sure to drive to Orlando the next time I need fitness equipment.