Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Iowa Is Better Than New York

Most New Yorkers had no idea that this is where Iowa is located.

East coast bias has finally pushed me over the edge, which means I'm going to write a blog (that'll show 'em; that'll show 'em real good). New York is not the center of the universe, but you would never know that by turning on a television or an internet. Everything is about how New York is affected by things. New Yorkers have a superiority complex for no reason. I will not only prove that New York and their people are not better than anybody else, I will completely shame them and prove that Iowans are even better than them.

The Yankees are the greatest team in anything ever.

No, they aren't. My Dad's Club soccer team dominated everyone we played for years. I didn't even know that losing was something that happened to people early on in my life. One year, we outscored opponents like 100-2 and one of those goals was scored in a shootout (where I kicked the goal to win the championship, and I always want to tell that story, but for some reason, nobody ever brings up 2nd grade soccer these days). Now that was a great team. We didn't use our resources to give us an unfair advantage, just some orange slices and the promise of a pizza party at the end of the year. So, seriously, do your goddamn research before making a stupid claim like that.

New York has the best entertainment in the world.

Ooh, look at New Yorkers, with your fancy Broadway shows? Am I supposed to be impressed by that? Sure, you probably have better entertainment options than Iowans. But most of you aren't cultured enough to recognize the differences between Broadway and my local play's talents. You're just watching things on a nicer stage. Plus, you need these fancy entertainment options to occupy your time. All Iowans need is a field and someone who knows how to build a fire, which everyone in Iowa knows how to do (except me). You build a fire, you drink a bunch of beer, somebody does something really stupid, you have a good laugh about it and pass out in your cars. Now that's a night out.

You don't want to mess with me, I'm from New York.

So? This is a common theme, where people who grew up in New York think they are tougher than people from other places in the world. Let's look at one of the few great fighters from New York, Jon Jones. He might be the best mixed martial artist in the world right now, and guess what? When he wanted to get tougher, he moved to the state of Iowa to wrestle. If any state should be bragging about how they are tough from being from a place, it should be Iowans. Everybody wrestles in the state, and we're pretty damn awesome at it. Also, during my formative years, I grew up 15 minutes from what was considered the best MMA Training Camp in the world. If you could get tougher from osmosis, I would be one of the baddest men on the planet. Unfortunately, you can't. And I'm a pussy. So being from New York doesn't make you a fighter; it doesn't make you tough, but clearly, it does make you delusional. 

New York has the best people in the world.

This is somehow the worst. 9/11 was a complete and total tragedy. I am not here to make light of that. Hurricane Sandy seems bad, but it seems to be no Katrina. Yet New Yorkers act as if they are the only ones who know how to persevere during a tragedy. New York people come together in rough times in ways that no other people possibly could. And that's a bunch of bullshit. 9/11 was a tragedy, and New York survived, which was good, but seriously, what were you supposed to do? Just sit in your small studio apartments and rot and die out of depression? Grow up. Iowans would have done the same thing, but we would have just done it. It wouldn't have been something innate about us being from Iowa. It would have just been us doing what needed to be done, BECAUSE IOWANS ARE THE GREATEST (as long as you ignore our weight issues, lack of jobs, and still prevalent racism. And really who pays attention to those minor issues?). Suck it, New York.

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