Monday, October 22, 2012

The 7 Promises of the Promise Keepers


I read a lot on the internet, and occasionally I will come across things that I really wish I hadn't. That Fox News video where the guy kills himself. I felt like I needed to see that, and man how I wish I would not have watched that. Right along those lines is Brad Stine, who really refers to himself as God's comic. I watched some of his bits, and he's really edgy as he talks about toilet seats and bumper stickers. He screams a lot. If you're going to watch one of these two things, watch the suicide; it'll be far less painful.

But then I started researching Brad Stine to see if I could turn something bad into a good, or at least mildly entertaining, thing. I searched his Wikipedia page and found out that he started a group called God Men. He started this group after having a falling out with Promise Keepers. Both of these are groups for men who are dedicated to God. Unfortunately, God Men shut down, and Stine rejoined the Promise Keepers.

So let's take a look at the 7 promises of Promise Keepers, because religious groups are probably my favorite groups ever. Most religious people will listen to reason, religious groups have never even heard of reason. They won't go as far as to say that logic is the devil, because as we all know, all religious groups are convinced that gay people are the devil, but we'll get to that later. Onto the promises:

PROMISE 1
A Promise Keeper is committed to honoring Jesus Christ through worship, prayer and obedience to God’s Word in the power of the Holy Spirit.
Okay, so the first one is pretty normal (by religious standards). Since I have no issue with religion as a whole, this one promise can go unscathed as it actually seems pretty normal.

PROMISE 2
A Promise Keeper is committed to pursuing vital relationships with a few other men, understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises.
I know that Promise Keepers stress the exact opposite of this, but the second promise could easily be used for a gay orgy group and work just as well. It really wouldn't be shocking if it was. I think most people who are anti-gay rights are just mouth-breathers who can't come up with an original thought, but I'm sure a decent percentage are also just self-hating people who have to fight their urge towards homosexuality. To those people, please, just bang a dude; it'll make you feel better.

PROMISE 3
A Promise Keeper is committed to practicing spiritual, moral, ethical, and sexual purity. 
Just in case anybody was thinking about any gay stuff, they put an end to that right here. You could rape a sheep and be forgiven by the Christian community but have consensual sex with another man, and you are going straight to hell. To be fair, they do say in their FAQ section that homosexuals are welcome, but they state that right after making it clear that homosexuality is a horrible sin that makes God cry tears that give angels cancer.

PROMISE 4
A Promise Keeper is committed to building strong marriages and families through love, protection and biblical values.
This one is just to reinforce how much they hate the gays. Biblical values is almost always a justification of hate. Otherwise it would just be called personal or family values, but once you throw a biblical in front of values, it is just to make sure that people know that there is reasoning behind their blind hatred.

PROMISE 5
A Promise Keeper is committed to supporting the mission of his church by honoring and praying for his pastor, and by actively giving his time and resources.
This is actually the weirdest one to me, as I don't understand why they needed to explicitly make a promise to pray for their pastor. It seems like they could have just honored their church and other people and been good. I probably shouldn't be surprised that a religious group displays odd behavior.

PROMISE 6
A Promise Keeper is committed to reaching beyond any racial and denominational barriers to demonstrate the power of biblical unity. 
This is about as positive as it gets for a Promise Keeper. At least they don't judge people about their denomination or skin color. They will judge people on sexual preference, and obviously, to retain their purity, no broads are allowed in this club. I wonder if they understand the irony of starting a group that hates gays yet also does not allow women. Make up your mind, Promise Keepers.

PROMISE 7
A Promise Keeper is committed to influencing his world, being obedient to the Great Commandment  and the Great Commission.
I went to a Catholic school through elementary. I'm pretty sure the Great Commandment is the first one, and I have never heard of the Great Commission. This is clearly just in here, because they could only come up with six, but six is an evil number (it has the same amount of letters as gay), and seven is a holy number (there are seven letters in the phrase "no homos").

So that's The Promise Keepers. Just promise you'll keep hating gays and you'll be an esteemed member of the club, because religious groups are full of well-adjusted members of society.

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