Monday, October 8, 2012

Why Ohio State is the Worst

So, as dedicated readers of this blog probably noticed, I had quite a hiatus from the blog recently. A bunch of things conspired against me including life, illness, and most importantly, my internet going out which forced me to do all of my Internetting at a public library. Like most great artists, I like to watch pornography during the creative process. Not your normal stuff either, the stuff that is way off the beaten path (masturbation pun, holler!). Obviously, I can't be looking at that stuff at the public library, I mean, I'm not an Ohio State fan.

After I had that thought, I decided to look up the video of the Ohio State fan that I was referring to. I was shocked at what I found. Less than 60,000 people have seen this video? If I would have made an educated guess before looking it up, I would have guessed 2-3 million people had seen that video. It's simply wonderful. And by wonderful, I mean that it is incredibly awkward to watch.

The basic premise of this video is a local Chris Hanson (To Catch a Predator) is busting people for doing weird shit. He arms the libraries with hidden cameras and catches people masturbating in the middle of the library. Don't worry, they blur out the images. That isn't the important part. The important part is the confrontation. The reporter accuses this man of masturbating:
Oh, yes. That beautiful, wonderful, amazing, Buckeye pride. Ohio State fans may be better at football than other Big Ten schools, but this video will stop them in their tracks. Here is just a sample of the dialogue between the two:

Reporter: Have you ever performed a sexual act at the library?
OSU Fan: No, I have not.
Reporter: What if I told you we have video of you performing a sexual act?
OSU Fan: Well, it wasn't me.
Reporter: You just reached out and grabbed yourself and started having sex?
OSU Fan: (sigh) I did what I...I wasn't thinking. I made a mistake.
Reporter: Based on people like you doing this sort of thing with children around, you think parents should be more careful about leaving them alone?
OSU Fan: (Dejected) Yeah...(EVEN MORE DEJECTED) yes.
Reporter: I mean if you were a parent, wouldn't you be afraid of a guy like you?
OSU Fan: I'm not a sexual predator or anything...yeah, I would be afraid.

The awkwardness is glorious. I feel like this sort of awkwardness could actually sustain me if I had no access to food or water. It's just so uncomfortable.

Oh yeah, and it gets worse. Like WAY worse. If you are in the least bit uncomfortable watching the interview with the Ohio State fan, do NOT continue the video. I can handle seeing a lot of things, but the ending makes me feel ill to my stomach. Chris Hanson confronts predators and that is awkward. This local reporter confronts the predator's parents about how their son is a monster, and, hoo boy, it is a total train wreck. I always want to look away, but I can't even manage to blink when it comes on my screen.

So I'm just going to post this video and recommend that you not watch it. I certainly can't stop you from watching it or forwarding it to your friends, or doing everything in your power to get it to a million views, but I'm also not endorsing any of those things.

Also, don't forget the moral of this story: Ohio State is the worst.

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