Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I Suck At Basketball

I used to be decent at basketball. I was an okay shooter, even though my shot is very, very ugly. The strongest part of my game was defense, because I was quick, and I had the mindset that I was as good as the black kids. I wasn’t, but I still was never intimidated. Also, since a lot of defense is focus, I was able to focus on that, because offense was for nerds anyway.

I have not touched in basketball in years. I have not played consistently in over a decade. But there is never anybody at the basketball courts at my gym early in the morning. I figured that would be a fun way to get a light exercise in on some mornings, so I had my parents get me a basketball for my birthday (yes, my parents do still get me birthday presents). I headed to the gym on Tuesday to shoot around. I threw the ball up, expecting the worst, and the ball went in. Hum, I did not see that coming. Then I took another shot and…swish. Um, okay. I proceeded to hit 7 out of 10 of my first shots, and I was feeling good about myself. Really good. I was strutting around like I farted Swagger Deodorant. You can probably guess what happened next.

The wheels fell off. Holy shit was I awful after those first shots. Airballs, bricks, and just generally ugly shots littered my shooting session. It was awful. I was awful. I decided to nail all the shots from a 3 point contest before heading home, and it took me like 40 shots to do it. I made two threes in a row and decided that would be a good place to stop. I decided to hit a layup to make it three in a row and BRICK. Jesus, how does someone brick a layup? I don’t know how, but I know that I managed to do it. I had to shoot for another three minutes before I hit two shots in a row again and decided I did not need to give myself the ultimate challenge of hitting a fucking layup. Christ.

Since I hate being bad at stuff, I decided I was going to improve. I am going to force myself to keep at it by giving updates of my progress. Occasionally, I will shame myself on this blog, but for the most part, I will give updates via twitter (@HottJoe) every time I shoot hoops. I am going to focus on the 5 spots in the three point contest and free throws. I plan on taking 100 shots from one spot on the court every time I go and shoot. I started in the right corner, because when I was growing up and playing hoops in the back alley, I could knock down shots from the right corner like I was freaking Craig Hodges. Since I knew I kind of sucked, I figured I would shoot for 30-100. I’m shooting wide open threes, and shooting the same shot over and over so I should be able to get on some hot streaks and at least hit 30 uncontested threes. Here are my results, and,*Spoiler Alert* holy fuck was I wrong.

So I missed my first 7 shots. No big deal. I’m just getting warmed up. I should get on some streaks later where I can make up the ground. The 8th shot goes in, so I’m not feeling good, but I’m still feeling alright.
Status: 1-8

I do not heat up. I occasionally hit a shot, but I do not hit them often. That 1-8 was an ominous sign of things to come. I keep shooting, but 30% is looking near impossible at this point.
Status: 5-40

I’m still confident. I don’t know why, but I just assumed that I could point to my 5-40 start and then show the progress I was able to make as I attempted more shots. I still think a 25-60 finish, although improbable, is still possible. I love me some me, but slowly, I am beaten down as shot after shot goes in and out. Things are not improving.
Status: 8-69

Things actually get worse. Airballs, bricks, and can it even be considered a brick when you hit the side of the backboard? Because I definitely did that a few times. My longest streak of shots made stands at one. That’s right, through 88 shots, I have not made two in a row. It is impressive how bad I am at this. 30% ain’t happening. 20% would take a near-miracle. I’m honestly just hoping that I can hit one more and get above 10%.
Status: 10-88

And then, it finally happens. I start heating up…by my standards. I hit 3 of 10. Still can’t hit two in a row, but at least I am above 10% for the day.
Status: 13-98

It is at this point that I realize that I need to keep shooting until I can end on a made shot. This slightly pumps me up, because I know I will end on a high, but it also slightly depresses me, because I just had my hottest streak by hitting 3 of 10, and it may take me until shot 120 to make another one. I take shot 99, and it actually goes in.
Status: 14-99

Now the pressure is on. I have not done nearly as well as I thought I would, and I had pretty low standards to begin with. If I hit this shot, I get to go home. Not only that, but a make here means that I have an actual streak of two shots made, something that I have not been able to accomplish through my first 99 shots. I take a deep breath, focus, exhale and shoot…SWISH! I have made it. You better believe I gave a little fist pump, grabbed up my gear and jogged out of the gym with a smile beaming on my face. I was a winner.
Status: 15-100

And so goes the first of many shooting sessions for me. I think it's safe to say that I still need a little work on my game.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Suits Power Rankings: Season 2 Finale

So here we are. After a full season of coverage on lawyers who play by their own rules, it has come down to nothing more than one final episode of Suits. It is sad to see them go, but Suits definitely went out on a high note. Check out last week's rankings here. Now onto our final rankings:

1. Mike Ross - Mike is super sad about his grandma passing. By passing, I mean she died, not that she became quarterback of an NFL team. He would have probably been pretty happy about that. But he decides that it is time to get happy as he buys some of that wacky tobacky. Doesn't Mike the Lawyer know that weed is a gateway drug? It is a gateway to yelling at your boss and getting sent home early, so you can smoke weed, and then the next day, two hot chicks will want to have sexy time with you. Oh yeah, and then your boss will party with you where you will decide it is a great idea to piss in your enemy's office. So that is why you should not smoke, wait a second...does anybody where I can get some weed?

On top of all of that, he helps get Hardman fired by putting his signature on a document which totally fooled all of them Harvard educator law dogs. He celebrates with more weed and sex. Great job, Mike.

2. Harvey Specter - Harvey wants to leave the firm, but non-compete clauses. Harvey lost his office and is coming after Hardman. Harvey smokes weed from the coffee cart guy. "Harvey Specter doesn't get cotton mouf" may be my favorite line from the entire season. He can eat entire bags of pretzels when stoned. Harvey also admitted to pissing in Louis's office back in the day. Weed also makes him a better lawyer, because he figured out that Hardman framed him on the Coastal Motors case. Donna didn't screw up, which does make a lot more sense. Harvey beats Tanner into telling him the memo was fake. He uses this information to get Hardman fired, because he cost all of the partners $100,000, so I'm kind of surprised he wasn't murdered. All is well with the world.

3. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN is cool as a cucumber on this vote. HARDMAN is taking over as managing partner. It is good to be HARDMAN. He is even being all nice to Harvey to his face, but he's coming after Harvey. He sends Louis to get dirt on Harvey, and then requires drug tests for everyone, because they knew that Harvey had smoked weed. They were ready to fire Harvey when he had the tables turned and lost his job when they found out about his evil plan to take control of the firm. He leaves by saying this isn't the last page of this story. And I know he loses in the end, but he totally played by his own rules the entire time, so he deserves to be ahead of the next person on this list.

4. Jessica Pearson - Jessica loses the vote, but is staying firm at the firm and waiting for a moment to strike. She stays calm, which is a wise move instead of making a rash decision while she was angry. She stays cool and just kind of stays out of the way until Harvey finds a way to get her back as Managing Partner.

5. Louis Litt - Louis is going to try to help Hardman get rid of Harvey. Louis is treating Harvey like his bitch, getting him to do his leg work, and then making him second chair on his case. It's a really great time to be Louis. Then Donna makes him sad by telling him that he's a piece of shit, but he recovers, has Harvey dead to rights with the drug tests, but since Harvey never loses, he wins again, and Louis is left without any friends in the office. But he's still Senior Partner; they can't take that away from him.

6. Travis Tanner - Fights Harvey and also declines to answer a lot until telling Harvey that the memo was a fraud. Still, he got some good punches in, which may be the biggest loss that Harvey has ever experienced, so good for him.

7. Paul Porter - Took Harvey's office. But now that Hardman is no longer in power, he will probably be giving it back.

8. Harold - Where was Harold this episode? Probably smoking weed and having a ninesome with eight Perfect Ten models. What, you don't know what a ninesome with models is like? You should ask Harold about it. Holler playa!

And so ends this season of Suits. But hey, new episodes start in January, so we will not have to wait long to find out that Harold has gone from Associate to Managing Partner at Pearson-Harold, because, yes, I assume his name is Harold Harold.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

All 13 Pranks In the Movie, The Prankster

I love teen comedies. I am not going to deny this. Most of them are god awful, but I cannot help but watch every single one that I come across. Teen comedies are my second favorite genre of film, right behind Vin Diesel movies. Nobody can top the Diesel. But teen comedies are easier to write about, as I have done so with Frat Party, MILF, and College. In this one, there is a group of diverse individuals who are The Pranksters. They perform really funny tricks on people who deserve it, because although they have a good sense of humor, they are noble and shit too. I am going to go over every prank in the movie to show how you how funny these dudes (and dudette) are.

Prank 1:
Their first prank is a real knee slapper. They alter the mic so the Dean (of their high school) has a super high pitched voice. Then they manage to drop down a big button that says "Do Not Press The Button." The Dean is so pissed about his mic that he presses the button. BIG MISTAKE. A giant screen drops down that has a fat black woman dancing on the screen in skimpy clothing. Everyone in the high school is rolling on the floor laughing, because fat people + skimpy clothing + minorities = major giggles.

Prank 2:
They put a fake name on a teacher's roll call. The teacher tries taking attendance for a Mungus, a Hugh Mungus! Great job, fellas.

Prank 1 by The Jocks:
I guess I should include the pranks by The Jocks as well, even though they are mean spirited and definitely NOT funny like The Pranksters. The jocks don't even look like jocks. It's just a fat kid, two nerdy buddies, and a 30 year-old black dude who wears a gold chain. I decided to look up the black guy and his name is Big Spence. This is important, because Big Spence acted in a movie called Tetherball: The Movie. Here is the poster for Tetherball: The Movie.
Yep, Ron Jeremy, Screech, and Dan "The Beast" Severn. Why did nobody tell me this movie existed?

Anyway, back to the jock prank. They pull down one of the Prankster's shorts, which is ONLY funny if the Harlem Globetrotters do it. When the Globetrotters do it, I have trouble breathing, because I start laughing so hard that I can get the air to go out, but I can't get the air to come back in, because of all the laughs that I am having.

Prank 3:
To get back at the jocks, they messed with the fat kid by altering his driver's test simulation. At first, they just made him fail, but then they made him run over children before getting launched into outer space. He was dodging the simulated space lasers, which was soooooooooooooo funny. He was super pissed when he found out it was The Pranksters who did it.

Prank 4:
They had the girl Prankster write a love letter to the Dean that was from the French teacher. Then they wrote a love letter to the French teacher from the Dean. This is the first cliffhanger prank, but don't worry, major laughs are forthcoming when we get to Prank 8.

Prank 5:
They change an article about the hot cheerleader from a story to her being a Senior Superstar to it being a question whether she is real or store bought? HA! That is rich. The hot cheerleader screams when she sees the article, which is another point in the movie where we laugh at how funny it is.

Prank 6:
The fat jock was named Lettermen of the Week which excited him. Then he opened his locker and The Pranksters made a flyer that said LetterWOMEN of the Week, where guys heads were put on women's bodies, which is hella demeaning and hilarious. Then fat kid started getting turned on by the picture of him in a bikini. That is GROSS but also very funny.

Prank 7:
They brought the pranks to a new level with their fake names for roll call. The first one was a lady with the name Yerkoff, Ivana Yerkoff. Say it fast, you'll get it. Got it? HILARIOUS! The next one's last name is Wang. First name is Long. LONG WANG! That's so funny it's stupid! If you have not had enough laughs, the last student is Dick Hertz. Man, I was laughing so hard that I nearly missed out on the teacher asking, "Who's Dick Hertz?" Five guys raised their hands which just added to the greatness of the joke.

Prank 2 by The Jocks:
Blotto, the fat kid, gives one of The Pranksters a swirlie for revenge on him being good at basketball. It was a real jerk maneuver. He was also the fat douche in Frat Party which I have reviewed before. In other celebrity news, the star quarterback played the high school student that Dee tried to bang on an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Still, not a cool move, jocks, or should I say JERKS.

Prank 8:
They are going to release balloons at the talent show. Sounds pretty tame, huh? What if I were to tell you that these balloons were filled with SLIME? Yeah, they were, and it was total chuckles all the way around. On top of that, The Dean bangs the French teacher right behind the curtain at the back of the stage. This sounds pretty hot and sexual, but it's major laughs once one of The Pranksters pulls the curtain open so everyone can see them The Dean getting frisky with the French teacher's downstairs.

Prank 9:
The Dean gives himself a motivational speech in front of a mirror so he can bang the French teacher. Little does he know that it's a two-way mirror, so The Pranksters videotape him doing this. You'll never guess what happens next. They show the tape to everybody! That shit was cray cray and funnier than Funyuns...Funyuns that tell jokes.

Prank 10:
They try to get the fictional character of Dick Hertz nominated as Student Body President. This is maybe the funniest laughs that were laughed during the tenth prank of this movie...PSYCH! The funniest laughs that were ever laughed were when it turns out that there was a new transfer student whose real name was...DICK HERTZ! That's side-splitting comedy, and I may have gotten a hernia from laughing so hard.

Prank 11:
The Student President is a nerdy pest throughout this entire movie. He is competing with one of the Pranksters for best grades in their class. He wins some award at the end and is giving a speech. I was really disappointed, because it looked like the nerdy guy won. Then they blasted a really loud fart noise through the speakers. Nerdy kid was distraught. I was too busy laughing to care.

Prank 12:
The main guy announced that he was a Prankster during his speech which should have meant that he wouldn't get his diploma, but then everybody in the crowd started announcing that they, too, were Pranksters. This was not a prank for laughs. This was a prank for honor and respect. Mad props Pranksters.

Prank 13:
They had fireworks shoot out of the lights,which was another really nice moment. Then they flew a model airplane at the Dean, which was a super hilarious moment, because The Dean was TERRIFIED. Great job, Pranksters.

Yes, all of these pranks actually happened. And that didn't even give me time to mention that The Dean also teaches gym class. You really need to see it for yourself. Be sure to watch this movie while sitting on the floor, as you may roll off your couch/chair/bed and hurt yourself from all the intense laughs.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings: Week 9

Suits has one more week left, but this was the final week for Franklin and Bash. Even with their lack of partying and shenanigans, it is still tough to say goodbye. Enough with the chit chat. For last week's rankings, click here. For this week's rankings, just read below you dingus.

1. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN makes Louis senior partner, which actually makes sense, because he, like everyone else in the firm, wins all of his cases. But he also informs Louis to keep it a secret so he can have the winning edge when they vote for managing partner at the next meeting. That is the definition of playing by your own rules, and I absolutely love it. Jessica tries to call out HARDMAN, but HARDMAN is cocky as hell about everything, so he don't give a what about anything Jessica has to say. Louis confronts HARDMAN about making him the fall guy, but HARDMAN just tells him the truth as calm as can be. Then he makes himself look like a changed man who cares about Louis. He is playing chess while others are playing checkers. HARDMAN is playing Louis like a fiddle, and it is some really beautiful work.

2. Peter Bash - Unfortunately, Bash is not a lawyer, so he should not qualify for these rankings. But since that was a technicality, I feel like I can keep him in the rankings as a technicality. Bash got a letter saying that he can't practice law, but that can't keep him off the rankings, because everybody knows that Franklin and Bash only PLAY law. Practice is for sissies. He's still going to represent for his boy from high school, Tommy Dale, who is running for governor. Bash is a witness and just when they think they have them on the ropes, he reveals that there was infidelity in the gubernatorial candidates' marriage, but it was his wife...with the campaign manager's wife. This is what I mean when I say that Bash plays law. He don't need no practice, not when lesbian actions are involved. Bash then uses "country hardball" to get Tommy Dale a new campaign manager. The guys save the day by throwing a party and finally inviting the partners. They also flew the flight attendants back to the party, because of course they did.

3. Jared Franklin - Franklin dropped, approximately, 67 one liners in this episode. It was like the writers had all of these lines they wanted to use in the season and realized they had only used 11 of the 78 they had written, so they just let Jared have at it. He was burning people nonstop. He recovered from the awful one liners by getting drunk and raising havoc on the Franklin flight. Since they are equity partners, they can't be fired, so they may as well live it up. The guys both get arrested, but no big deal, they don't just know lawyers, they have lawyer friends.

4. Jessica Pearson - She is in an absolute war with HARDMAN on who will take over the firm. She makes Harvey be nice to Louis. Jessica's go to line is, "I send you to do one thing, and you can't do it," every time she tells Harvey to do something. That doesn't work if you use it every time you need something. She was going to try to play nice, but she got her panties in a bunch, and then made Louis shit his with a threat that she would curb stomp him if she voted against him. Okay, so maybe those were not her exact words, but it was definitely implied, and that kind of street lawyerin' is something to be respected.

5. Harvey Specter - Harvey begs to get Donna back, and she does, because, sadly, she seems to have no other options. His big case is defending an asshole sports broadcaster, where all the broadcaster has to do is apologize and the whole thing is over. Obviously, the broadcaster won't apologize, so it turns into a whole big mess that I will talk about later. He also has to try to buddy up to Louis, because Jessica makes him, but he fails at that plan. He should have used that Roger Maris's record breaking bat to break some rules, as he played by the rules the entire episode. It was not Harvey's strongest week.

6. Mike Ross - Michael is getting a place for his grandma, but let's face it, he's only doing that to help him pick up chicks and it totally worked on Rachel.

Now that we have that nice little story out of the way, this is the time where I rant about how awful it is when shows try to get into sports, and only show that they don't know what the hell they are talking about. So this baseball player named Solis took steroids but had other players take his drug test. That is ridiculous and would never, ever, ever, ever ever ever, work. The guy who knew would have to testify, but at that point, it would be one man's word versus another. This would get dragged out in court for at least two years, in which Solis may have to take a drug test, which he could easily pass. That means he could slowly ween himself off of steroids and have a natural decline as a player ages without anyone being the wiser. And that is only if you think that steroids have a huge impact on players. There is probably an impact, but it is not going to turn a AAA player into a superstar. Of course, Mike gets Roberto Solis to retire in the prime of his career to save his reputation, which no MLB player would ever do. Diatribe over.

Finally, my condolences to Mike for the passing of his grandma. She was an all-time great airline employee, and although I knew she was never going to see that apartment, I was still bummed when she died. I hope Mike finds his other grandma, who is just the same lady wearing glasses.

7. Louis Litt - Louis made senior partner, and you best believe he is going to live it up. Louis did something that I really want to incorporate, and that is doing a spin while casually walking down the hallway. Also pointing to girls asses and asking random people for high-fives is pretty money as well. He was really the center of attention of the episode, but he was rarely the center of any scene. It was always what Harvey, HARDMAN, and Jessica were doing in regards to him, but hey, spins, high-fives, and ass points still earn you points on these rankings.

8. Roger Dempsey - He is looking to get Infeld-Daniels dissolved, because Franklin and Bash never invited him to their "legendary" parties. When he finally does get invited, he spends the entire night in the hot tub. Classic Dempsey. He may be my new favorite lawyer at Infeld-Daniels.

9. Harold - He is about to get a tattoo with his bonus money. Although he never stated it, I'm guessing he is blowing the rest on hookers and coke. 

10. Brock Daniels - He could swing the vote one way or the other, but he's busy delivering horses by reaching all up inside of them. Then decided to screw over everybody so he could go fly fishing. I was going to hold that against him, but that is hella playing by your own rules.

11. Hanna Linden - Hanna admitted to keeping a file, but it was cool, because she was showing major cleavage, so all is good. She also is a Facebook investigator and found that Brock Daniels was going to vote for Leonard Franklin's buyout. I hope she remembered to like his status.

12. Stanton Infeld - He might lose his firm, so he trusts Franklin and Bash to save it for him, because they are pretty much the greatest lawyers ever. Although I need to give props to him breaking into Elton John's post-Oscar parties, his best lie was that he was backup goalie on the 72 Swiss Olympic hockey team. He made Franklin and Bash super sad when they found out that he only hired them as a poison pill for his own company, but then he crashed their party, so all was forgiven.

Franklin and Bash are now done, so it will strictly be a Suits rankings for their final episode. Remember, lawyers, play by your own rules, and one day, you can make this illustrious list.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Why Do People Hate Toe Shoes?

I love my Vibram Five Finger shoes. I just want to be up front about that. If you do not know what those are, they are the toe shoes. I have never started a conversation about my shoes with someone, but many people have asked me about them, and I tell them how comfortable they are and how I enjoy running in them and basically doing anything in them. Most people who talk to me seem very interested in the shoes.

But then I go on the internet. And the internet fucking hates toe shoes. I have seen otherwise reasonably people rant and rave about how only douchebags wear the toe shoes, and how they are even bigger assholes if they wear them when they are just out and about, because, god forbid, you find a comfortable pair of shoes and use them for everyday activities.

I remember seeing Crocs for the first time and thinking, "Wow, those are some really stupid looking shoes. I will never buy those." I never thought that anybody who wears them is automatically a douche, and I never really gave it a second thought, because I really don't care what people wear on their feet. Yet, I constantly see people ranting and raving like a bunch of lunatics on how anyone who wears Toe Shoes should go kill themselves, and at some point, it becomes a little much.

I love my Vibram Five Fingers. Maybe you're one of those people that hate my shoes, but you know who else hated toe shoes? Hitler. That's why the Nazis wore boots. So, if you want to be a Hitler loving, toe shoe hating, Nazi, be my guest. But they're super comfortable, I go running in them all the time, and most importantly, when kids see my shoes, they think I am a super hero. This means they won't care if I try to sleep with their Mommy, and that's pretty badass.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Let's Break Down Jose Canseco's Time Travels

So I have definitely been reading the articles on from Jose Canseco, and although they have been good, they have not been at the ridiculous level that I am used to from Jose Canseco. That all changed yesterday as Jose may have written the greatest article since writing began. Not only is it incredible writing, but there is also a scientific breakthrough in there. Yep, Jose knocks baseballs and scientific theories out of the park. It's simply amazing and definitely in need of a breakdown.

I time travel all the time and have been for the last 20 years; it’s real simple.

Yeah, idiots.

But there are rules: You can’t travel to the future, and you can’t change history—but that’s a good thing because you wouldn’t want to wake up in a different future or past, as the case may be.

And you can't play by your own rules when you time travel. Try to change the future or past, and your license to time travel could be revoked.

The only way to time travel is in your dreams, subconsciously.

God damnit, Jose. That isn't time travel. I mean I don't wake up from a dream where I hit a game winning shot in Chicago and then save the president in DC, and announce, "Guess what I did last night. Teleported!" Although maybe I should.

To do this you must know how to control your dreams. For example, I constantly ask myself, “Am I dreaming? Am I dreaming? Am I dreaming?” If you condition your mind to ask that question every half hour while you’re awake then, after a while, you will ask it even in your dreams. Once you get the hang of it, you’ll be time traveling in no time at all.

I really want to start doing this throughout the day. Just going through mundane tasks and asking people this question. I could be at the grocery store, and the woman could tell me it's $43.61, and I'll just look her dead in the eye and say, "Am I dreaming?" When she responds that I am not, I will just casually respond, "I know. I'm just conditioning my mind for time travel. No big deal."

I first learned the art of time traveling during my first divorce. My heart was broken, I was depressed all the time, and I just couldn’t take the pain. Somehow I realized that the pain subsided once I entered a dream state.

"Honey, you can have the house and the cars. Please, just leave me the time travel."

Now I’ll do things like say, “I want to see my mom,” and boom, my mom pops up and I’m in the past. I can talk to her. I can hug her. It's very emotional. My dad just passed away about two years ago, and now I see him this way too. 

Wow, Jose is actually using his time traveling abilities for really noble things. Good for you, Jose.

Or I could say, “I want to go back to high school.” Boom! All of a sudden my dream shifts to when I was in school and I had this huge crush on a cheerleader named Dawn Alba. I always wanted to go up to her and say hi and tell her how much of a crush I had on her, but I was so shy that I just couldn’t. When I time travel I’ll see her there and literally walk up to her and kiss her; you can pretty much do whatever you want. You can even fly to different spots, zooming through the air.

Yep, that is what I was expecting. Time traveling to kiss girls, riding in limousines and jetsetting to exotic locations...wait, Jose's time travel is basically Ric Flair's life. I honestly can't think of another person that I would want to emulate if I were time traveling.

You have to be careful when you first develop the ability to control your dreams, which largely relies on controlling your emotions. It can become kind of wishy-washy if your confidence outweighs your talent. For instance, let’s say you want to summon your favorite pet from childhood, or from another point in your life. If you can’t control your dreams properly, your cuddly kitten or loyal dog could turn into a wolf—or if you’re really unlucky a werewolf—and start attacking you.

Wait, if that kitten or dog turns into a werewolf, wouldn't that be changing the past? Or when Jose loses confidence in himself, do safe animals turn into monsters? Let's go with the latter, because that's a way better story.

The only way I will ever be able to play in the major leagues again is through time travel, but for some strange reason it’s the one thing I haven’t been able to do. Either the bus leaves without me, they won’t let me into the stadium, I’m late to the game and miss it, or something else happens that prevents me from playing. It’s starting to really weird me out.

It's because Ric Flair never played in the majors, and you can't stop envisioning yourself as Ric Flair. Problem solved. You're welcome.

The other night I had a dream in which Dan Duquette, the GM who signed me to the Red Sox, wouldn’t let me play because of a “technical issue.” I looked at him and said, “Listen, I want to play tonight.” He responded with something crazy like, “If you want to play, go get me vanilla Dippin’ Dots with chocolate syrup on them.” I searched everywhere for the stand, and when I finally found it and bought a cup of Dots I immediately fumbled it and dropped it to the ground. I was like, “Oh my God!” but at this point I was really determined, so I kept trying until I finally got one back to Duquette without dropping it. Then he started making all of these other crazy excuses for why I couldn’t play, saying, “Now I want this, and then I want that…” It was insane.   

Good God, man. you're an expert in controlling your time travelling and you can't walk and carry a cup of Dippin Dots? Like, maybe, you could justify dropping it once out of excitement and slight carelessness, but it seems like you dropped it at least four times. Honestly, after Duquette saw that, he probably didn't trust you with a bat in your hand.

I’ve had a similar dream about Tony La Russa and others—no one will let me play inside the goddamn ballpark. It’s the one time-travel dream I can’t control, and I have it at least five times a week. It must be a subconscious block.
I’ve even seen myself as a child during some of my time-traveling experiences. Every once in a while I’ll try to make myself leave a mark on certain structure. Every so often I’ll visit the location the next day, when I’m awake, but nothing’s ever there.

Hum, I wonder why that is. Could it be that you aren't actually time travelling? Nah, that's definitely not it. Forget I said anything.

Sometimes I’ll even tell myself, as a child,  “Listen, when you get to the majors, never do steroids.” Of course, that never works, because I still am where I am.

Jose, you tender poet warrior. All you want is to be loved. I want you to know that you have my backing, and I hope you keep time travelling until you can experience the big leagues again...or at least a WCW Title run.

Suits Power Rankings: Five Years Ago

She's not eligible for the rankings, but posting pictures of pretty ladies is always a good idea.

Franklin and Bash inexplicably took the week off, so I will only be focusing on Suits this week. It is a good week as Suits took a look at the past. There was virtually no lawyering during the past part of this episode, but that did give us plenty of time for lawyers to play by their own rules which is what these rankings are all about. For last week's rankings, click here. But enough about the past, it's time to look the past.

1. Harvey Specter - Jessica needs a favor from him, so he demands to be a partner for getting the damn thing done. I really need to start asking for ridiculous things when my manager asks me for something.

Manager: Could you pass me that pen?
Me: I could, but you're going to have to do something for me.
Manager: What is that?
Me: I want 5% ownership of the company.
Manager: I don't even have ownership of the company.
Me: (as I hand my manager the pen) Just make it happen.

Harvey, of course, finds out that it was Hardman who was stealing from the company. Then, he tries to shit on Jessica by calling her Scottie Pippen. Can we please stop using Scottie Pippen as a derogatory comment? Pippen was my favorite player growing up, and he was awesome in every way. Give the man some respect. As much as this angered me, he totally played by his own rules by threatening to tell Hardman's wife about his affair, which got Hardman to quit. His Dad was so proud he had a heart attack and died. Whoopsies.

2. Mike Ross - Not too much happened with him this week due to the fact that he was only a lawyer for part of the episode. He did contact Louis's old love interest, Monica, to try to sue Pearson Hardman. He can now lie to people like it ain't no thang, which is way baller. I wish I could have put in all of his non-lawyering exploits, because it was probably his strongest episode of the season. I certainly don't want to waste everyone's time talking about how he was a weed smoking bike messenger hanging out with his loser friend. I can't talk about how he picked up women by answering math questions and reciting lines from old books. I couldn't tell you about the time that a girl offered him $1000 to take the LSATs for her, but he talked her up to $5000. Nope, couldn't mention any of those awesome things. He might be number one if we could take all of those things into consideration, but he will have to settle for number two. Sorry, Mike.

3. Monica - Sleeping with the boss and accepting trips to Mexico, France, and Hong Kong. Ballin! Yes, she lost her job and fell on hard times, but once she was fired, I stopped considering her a lawyer, so none of that awful stuff about her living a sad and pathetic life matter to me.

4. Jessica Pearson - She found out that someone was stealing money from the company. Harvey told her it was Louis, but then she confronted Louis and found out that Harvey was wrong. Then she broke her foot off in his ass. She didn't want to believe that it was HARDMAN, because she totally liked him before all these shenanigans happened. Still, HARDMAN got taken out, and she took over, so that's pretty awesome on her end of things.

5. Daniel Hardman - No gray in his hair. He was stealing from the company for his sick wife, because running a high-powered law firm cannot pay medical bills. Where is Obamacare when you need it? He stole $500,000. That is chump change. Harvey represents Michael Jordan, and he is not making anywhere near as much as HARDMAN, yet this man stole $500,000. Dude, you run a law firm, you can afford to have a mistress on the side with your regular paycheck. HARDMAN was getting hard for Monica, know what I'm sayin? Still, he resigned so as to not kill his wife with grief, which is definitely playing by the rules, so that hurts him in these rankings.

6. Zoey - She helped Harvey break the rules, which is awesome. Then she told him that he lost his way, which just reminds me of when HBK lost his smile.

7. Louis Litt - He has braces, but he also loves bran bars as well as stealing Harvey's liquor. Stealing Harvey's liquor is a very strong move, but he was pretty weak in every other aspect of the past. His shining moment was in the present when he informed Hardman of Harvey's tricks, but that very well could have been part of Harvey's plan. Louis got played like a fiddle, but with braces, no one's gonna fiddle his diddle, which puts him at the end of these rankings.

And that's it for this week, as there were not a lot of lawyers lawyering on this episode. Suits only has two weeks left and FandB is done tonight. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Drinking Whiskey and Watching The Power Rangers Movie

So I decided to take a half day a few Fridays ago, so I could party before going to a concert that night. It turns out that none of my friends had the foresight to do the same, so I was alone in my afternoon off. I still made the most of my free time as I decided to hang out with my dog, drink whiskey, and watch The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie. This turned out to be an awesome decision. The whiskey doesn't make a big difference, as all it really meant is that I laughed a lot more, and my notes towards the end had a a lot of misspellings. The one thing you should know is that I cannot recommend watching this movie sober, yet I highly recommend watching it drunk.

So the movie starts with all of the Power Rangers skydiving. Of course, their arch nemeses, Bulk and Skull are going along for the ride. Since they are stupid bullies, and not the harmful kind, they forgot their parachutes. Luckily, the Power Rangers let them know about it before they decided to jump out of the plane. Way to save the day, Rangers.

Why are they skydiving, you ask? Like they need a reason. But they do have a reason. It is the Angel Grove Jump-A-Thon, which was put on to save the observatory. Some old guy stumbles as he lands. His kid then tells him, "Watch, this is how the pros do it," because luckily the Power Rangers are actually professional sky divers when they are not fighting Rita and the evil Lord Zed. This is a huge break for the observatory, having pro sky divers in their small town.

May I digress for one moment? Thank you. Observatories may be the biggest waste of government spending out there. I have never been to an observatory. I am not sure if I even know where an observatory is. It seems like there are a ton of movies where teenagers are trying to save the observatory. Observatories are the worst.

Back to the plot. All of the Power Rangers are skydiving and doing cool tricks. Well, almost everyone. Tommy (White Ranger) is sky surfing and instead of doing cool tricks, he is doing awesome tricks. Everyone else must feel ashamed.

It should be mentioned that the regular Red Ranger has been replaced by another non-descript white guy, but they did change his name to Rocky. The Black Ranger was replaced by an Asian looking dude and is now named Adam. This means that due to cultural divesity laws, the Asian Ranger, Yellow, had to be replaced by a black chick. Her name is now Aisha. Kimberly is still pink, and Billy is still blue.

Oh yeah, on top of their Olympic level skydiving, they could also probably be professional rollerbladers as they are doing all sorts of SICK tricks while “blading” through the city.

The Rangers then get an urgent message from Alpha because some construction guys found an egg that can electrocute people. Zordon informs them that this is an evil beyond all imagination. I’m guessing it’s the Gobbledygooker. Lord Zed and Rita open the egg and ooze turns into this old dude who needs to crack his neck. His name is Ivan Ooze, and he is not that frightening. Rita wants to bang Ooze and Lord Zed is hella jealous of this guy.
Ivan Ooze's special powers include being able to shape-shift, being able to shoot lightning bolts, and the ability to smell teenagers (just so you know, he HATES the smell).

Alpha is such a douche. I wrote this multiple times throughout my notes, but this one is the one that got to stick, because, yeah, Alpha is a douche.

Ivan Ooze mentions the Black Plague, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Brady Bunch Reunion. He has been out of the egg for ten minutes and somehow learned about all of these things. Of all of the inaccuracies in this movie, this one bothered me the most.

Kimberly said that Zordon (who is dying) was like a father to them. What happened to their parents? Don't these kids have curfews? Seriously, put these Power Rangers in a foster home. Perfect evidence of why they should be in a foster home is that Alpha tells them that he can send them to a distant planet to save Zordon, but everyone who goes there dies. The Power Rangers all decide that it is a GREAT idea to go there. The Power Rangers are completely unfazed by death and murder. They killed a ton of foot clan ooze jabronies, and they were totally fine with their murders. Billy got ooze on his hands after killing one and said, “You ooze, you lose.” Murder is like brushing teeth for them, always do it once, sometimes 2-3 times a day.

Ivan Ooze called Zed and Rita “Dingle Dogs.” I am now going to try to work this into every conversation I have.

A strange wizard man (spoiler: it's Ivan Ooze) is handing out free ooze. There are no parents around to stop this. I feel like this movie could have been much shorter had there just been responsible parents in Angel Grove. It turns out that this Ooze turns people into zombies. Wait, actually, I should clarify. The ooze turns parents into zombies. Also these zombies are all inefficient construction workers. Seriously, if you watch people working in the background, their work rate is pathetic.

Best joke of the movie:
Evil Winged Animal Guy – Put your weak back into it.
Other Bad Guy – I had a weak back…about a week back.

Okay, so I thought that Ivan Ooze had the powers to create the Ooze and bottle it up so parents would become his zombies. Then I find out that parents are working in a factory to make the Ooze. So, how did he get that first batch going? This very much bothers me. I should be a movie consultant.

So I thought they were just ninjas, but then the Power Rangers turned into new animals. Ones that weren’t extinct which obviously makes them superior. Aisha is the bear. Rocky is the ape. Billy is the wolf. Kimberly is the crane. Adam is the frog. Tommy is the falcon.

So they are all fighting this really bad machine, and the yellow ranger goes, “Time to boogie with the Bear,” the machine just blasts her away and she is now completely worthless. The Frog was more successful than The Bear; I did not see that coming.

With all of the damage that has gone on in this movie, it is amazing that The Pink Ranger decides that it is important that he destroyed the monorail. And yes, of course Angel Grove has a monorail.

The little nerd who made fun of his dad for not being a professional skydiver was riding the monorail so he could save his parents. I’m not sure why he decided to take over a monorail to do that, but he did. Luckily, he gets help from Bulk and Skull, because that hard exterior is just to protect their heart of gold.

They were locked up with Ivan Ooze. The Yellow Ranger said, “Desperate times call for desperate measures.” She then hits the button titled, “In case of emergency only.” What did that button do? Kneed him in the groin. That is how they saved the day. An “emergency knee to the groin.” I'm not kidding. That is really what happened.

They saved the world and then saved Zordon. I proceeded to celebrate by drinking too much, and West Coast Dancing. Thanks, Power Rangers.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings: Double Up

I apologize for the lack of an update last week. Circumstances unfortunately got in the way. But there is good news as instead of ignoring those old episodes, I will be factoring in two weeks worth of episodes, which means I am extending the rankings to include 20 of the best lawyers who play by their own rules. Shit went down on both shows, so let's get down to business. If you want to check out the previous week's action, click here. Now onto the only rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules.

1. Harvey Reginald Specter - Harvey lost Donna, so he responded the only way he knew how. He decided to party in Atlantic City, and when you party in Atlantic City, you gotta wear tuxes. Unfortunately, his boy lost his company, because he sucks at poker. Luckily, Harvey knows all the hot women in Atlantic City, so he can get the information he needs. But then Harvey fucked up by offering up a settlement, which made things go to trial. This would be bad news for regular lawyers, but since Harvey never loses, it really just gives him a chance to show off. Obviously, instead of doing that in court, he decides to play poker for a person's company, because that is completely logical and makes total sense. He doesn't play the odds; he plays the man. He wins in poker in 20 minutes, and then celebrates by nearly making Louis pee his pants.

Speaking of peeing, Harvey peed in Louis's office a while ago and blamed his cat. That cat died last week, probably from the stress of Louis yelling at it. Dude, maybe you took that prank a little too far. Although I disagree with actions that lead to an animal's death, that is definitely a move that can be classified as playing by your own rules.

In the second episode, Harvey totally burned Tanner on his bad tie choice. That is a classic lawyer burn. Harvey then punched him in the face, because Tanner implied that his mother was a whore. You know, just regular, everyday lawyerin'. Harvey needs Donna's help, but she's pretty pissed that he didn't help her out. Ladies have feelings, and Harvey has trouble dealing with all that nonsense. In the end, Harvey got a nice settlement deal and decided to take it after some prodding from Mike Ross.

2. Jessica Pearson - Big props to Jessica for making it to number two on this list. Back in college, she thought it would be hilarious to prank a girl, but it turns out that girl is now a judge and is trying to screw Pearson Hardman. Honestly, Jessica deserves it, since she basically roofied this judge, and then left her naked in the front of a classroom. That seems like somebody should have been charged with a crime there, but whatever.  Jessica totally screws the judge over by donating money to her campaign.  Judge Lady tried to make Jessica grovel for forgiveness, but Jessica just decided to say that she would totally get her wasted and do it again. It took balls, figuratively, and she used those figurative balls to put Harvey in his place after he gambled a man's company. Great job, Jessica, because that is what you should be doing when lawyers are playing poker instead of lawyering.

In the second episode, Jessica started off slow in the mock trial, but then picked it up when she was able to show that Harvey has a heart. With the help of that momentum, she got Louis to admit that he hated Harvey, but that he knew that Harvey was innocent of the crime, which was cute for the mock trial, but just asking a random coworker whether they think somebody did something probably won't hold up in real court. Oh well, mock court wins are pretty sweet either way. In the end, it turned out to be a big waste of time, because they just settled once Hardman found dirt on Travis Tanner.

3. Daniel Hardman - Hardman is wise, as he gets a settlement for Harvey by blackmailing Travis Tanner. I am not sure what the information was, but I am guessing it dealt with unspeakable relations with dolphins. But then he puts Jessica's managing partner role up to a vote against him, which is just about the most HARDMAN thing that has ever HARDMANed.

Richard Tafflinger - This is just Daniel Hardman with his hair combed in a different way. Different hair means different law firm, so he decides to go to work at Infeld-Daniels so he can cause hell for Franklin and Bash. His only job is to fire people, because he is a bad dude, and he is coming after Franklin and Bash. He got Franklin and Bash all nervous when he pretended to be looking at an important file, but it turns out it was just a magazine. That's classic HARDMAN. He broke Pindar in about 30 seconds, which is 20 seconds longer than it usually takes. He also tries to intimidate Carmen, but that shit don't work, because she's from the streets. In the end, he has to mess up his hair and go back to work at Pearson-Hardman. Still, doing damage on both shows is great hustle.

4. Peter Bash - So, Franklin and Bash tried to win a dead body and lost. Now some dude will forever be dancing. At least they managed to lose the most meaningless case in FandB history. Then the judge reopens the case the next day and win the case with the help of a stuffed bear. On top of that, Bash helped open Hannah's artist friend's eyes to help him realize there is art in everything, even lawyering.

In the second episode, Bash totally calls out Franklin for his questionable love of Emily because she's the enemy. This completely ignores that Bash has made a habit out of falling in love with every girl that is going up against them. Bash then hits on a roller derby girl, because he again forgot that he is dating Janie. Of course, by this point, she may already be buried in the ocean somewhere. Bash helps them win the fraud case, because he is an expert in boob tattoos. Finally, that expertise came in handy. Ah, who am I kidding? It's Franklin and Bash, that probably marked the 100th case that they have won due to Bash's expertise in breast ink.

5. Jared Franklin - The fellas have to stop a dead guy from being posed as a dancer. This, unfortunately, has nothing to do with hot tubs. It does have something to do with this dude actaully being in love with his Salsa instructor, because she was muy caliente. The highlight for Jared was when he totally burned Peter by saying that his girlfriend was a corpse.

The next episode started off with a bang, as Franklin blasts Bash with a t-shirt cannon. Jared could lose his job, so he uses Oreos to seduce the enemy. Franklin reasons with Emily that they couldn't have paid their client to leave town, because, well, uh, because they didn't, and Emily should just, like, believe him. Somehow, that leads to Franklin "bashing" Emily, although she really did the closing with her polygraph trick. Gettin' laid is gettin' laid, so point for Franklin.

6. Louis Litt - Louis goes to the ballet and takes the time to spit some game at Rachel. Bravo. Plus, he met a ballet bigshot, and he is going to help him out with some legal stuff to ensure the dancers' happiness. But he takes a misstep, and then the ballet might get evicted, but it was all because his ballet bigshot, Sergei, lied to Louis and was pocketing cash on the side. So Louis decides to straight up own Sergei to save the ballet. Honestly, he was looking like a straight up baller until Harvey found out about Louis recording him, and then Louis got scurd like a bitch. Not a good way to end things for him.

In the second episode, Louis was really only working to get his catchphrase of "Litt Up" to catch on. I can't blame him, as I often asked ladies of they wanted a "Hot Cup of Joe" when laying the groundwork for my seduction. Louis made Donna cry, which got Harvey pissed until Louis put him in his place by saying it was his fault that she cried. Louis triumphantly left the bathroom without drying his hands. It was like the opposite of the first episode where he didn't do much, but then had his shining moment right at the end. Very impressive work from a man who I assume to be an honorary member of the St. Lunatics.

7. Mike Ross - Mike Ross has to babysit a gambling alcoholic in Atlantic City. He actually came up with a good idea of bringing a bomb to a gun fight, but the biggest thing that he did was find Louis's dictaphone which led to Harvey terrifying Louis.

On the next episode, Mike is forced to switch sides, because Mike is forced to switch sides like every other episode. Mike is going to help Louis win a mock trial, and he is coming after Harvey's integrity hardcore, even getting Rachel to play Donna by repeatedly saying, "I decline to answer." Then he goes to real Donna and guilt trips her into doing what he wants. Donna cries and hates Mike, but she does make some off-handed remark, and it leads Mike to coming up with a great idea which leads to Harvey getting a good settlement from Travis Tanner. He was actually pretty productive, but he mostly played within the rules, which gets you no points in these rankings.

8. Jeffers - We thought he was just a creep, but it turns out he's a lawyer-creep. He became a lawyer, because he was inspired by Infeld. Unfortunately, he spent all of his time in prison getting a law degree instead of learning to shave. Dude, it's not that hard. If you can learn to lawyer, you can learn to handle a Bic.

9. Zooey - She's a sexy British lady who probably banged Harvey at one point. She's getting brought in, because Harvey thinks she is a good jury selector. Although after watching Harvey play poker for a man's company in the previous episode, it may be that he just needs a partner when he challenges Travis to a game of Billiards to decide the case. Unfortunately, no game of pool in this one, but she does guide them to a meaningless victory.

10. Harold - He knows nothing about the ballet, and it screwed him over yet again as Louis could not go to him with his important ballet stuff. After that, he is stuck fetching files for Rachel. I really hope Harold is made a partner before Mike. Nothing against Mike, but I just really root for Harold.

11. Emily Adams - She is the sexy lady who assists in finding people to be fired. Emily loves Oreos. After eating these Oreos, she seduced Franklin. No word on whether they will bury her body before the final episode, but I am guessing that we will never see her again. Oh, Emily, you were a cute brunette, but at least Franklin can't terrorize you in the afterlife.

12. Damien Karp - Karp decided to strong-arm the dude suspected of harrassing Infeld, but he just got some dirt on his shoes. He then got Carmen to help, because they didn't want to hire another actor to play an investigator, and she needed something to do. Then Damien gets scolded by the judge for sending some roughniks to mess with Jeffers. Playing by your own rules and losing is not cool, so that is why he is so low on these rankings. Also, he was put in charge of defending Franklin and Bash, but got fired after about two minutes. Tough week for Karp.

13. Black Lawyer Lady - Sorry for not catching your name, lady. She deserves this spot for totally owning Franklin and Bash on the dead body case, but then the guys won, because they brought a stuffed bear. Props win law cases, so she really dropped the ball by not bringing in her nephew's action figure collection.

14. Stanton Infeld - Someone is trying to kill Stanton, but he has it under control. Damien gave him all of the cases that Stanton has lost, and it contained two folders. One was a bank robbery where the guy just left prison. We saw him lose his other case when Pindar's doctor went to jail. I feel like Damien either missed a lot of cases, or Infeld isn't actually a lawyer. Yeah, it's definitely the latter.

The second episode started with Stanton being starlted from bed, where we find that he has roofied two to three women (we never see the third, so it may have been a figment of his imagination). Someone please put this man in prison. Stanton hates Tefflinger, and they definitely foreshadowed a future lawyer war between the two. My money is on Tefflinger, mostly because he able to legally practice law, which cannot possibly be the case for Infeld.

15. Bad Guy Energy Lawyer Dude - He used Harvey's words against him, and Harvey wanted to kill him for that, because he is the one who is supposed to be doing that to crappy lawyers. Then he let his client play poker to win a company, and that did not work out well for them.

16. Travis Tanner - He has one goal, get rid of Harvey, so he can become the best lawyer with quaffed hair in all the land. Then he gets punched in the face and gives himself a point, because he often plays the game face-to-fist, and he just scored. Unfortunately, Tanner settled with the firm, because he apparently did something shady in his past. My guess stands that he had sex with a water-bound mammal.

17. Hanna Linden - Hanna apparently dates guys who wear some sort of jean shirt/jacket, but not if they make less money than her. Ladies got to have standards. But seriously, in the dead body case, she never interacted with their client. She just sat there and smiled in the courtroom. It was just to give her an excuse to be at the courthouse, because she is a woman and can't have a case on her own. Please, give this woman her own case. She needs a chance to shine.

18. Ted Phillips - Harvey never tried to sleep with him; sorry, Ted.

19. Tammy's Nerd Lawyer - Such a nerd. He got totally outlawyered, because of his lack of knowledge of boobs. Feeling up sandbags doesn't count, nerd.

20. Pindar Singh - Gets boners when polygraphing himself. I'm not making that up.

Well, I am now at 2500 words, so I will leave you with that until next week, which should be much shorter since Franklin and Bash are taking this week off before their big finale.