Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Keys to the VIP Scouting Report: Peachez

I recently finished up scouting the Bears draft picks, and I asked if there was any other players that I should break down, I received the suggestion of Peachez. Peachez was one of four guys on the greatest reality show ever made, Keys to the VIP. You've never heard of it, because it only aired in Canada. Still, just about every episode is up on YouTube these days, so I'll wait while you go through each episode of the three seasons...done? Good. That was amazing, right? It's basically the perfect reality show, as they give supposed ladies men stupid tasks to complete, and it is always hilarious. If they succeed, it is usually funny to see what works, and if they fail, it is obviously hilarious to see how awful people are.

Each gentleman is an expert pickup artist descending from the four corners of the male psyche. Peachez is described as an "Ex All-Star jock inspired seduction specialist." It feels like there should be a comma in that description, but Peachez gonna Peach. I assume that is what he would say before going out with his boys. His real name is Emeka Bronson. All-Star jock seems like a tad bit of a stretch, since I can't find anything about his athletic career anywhere. But athletics is boring; let's focus on his real game and see some of the lessons that he lives by.

1.Teamwork is key.

You don't always need to be the star of the show, and sometimes being a great wingman is just as important, as, "every Maverick needs his Goose." My favorite part is that "dibs" is a well-respected law of picking up women, but he does at least determine dibs by whoever opens up the conversation with ladies. Fair is fair. I do find it a little disturbing that he makes pickup seem like soldiers going to war, but hey, whatever gets you ready to "sarge" is well worth it. Being a team player is important to Peachez, and I respect that.

2. You gotta have social value.

I would say there are probably easier ways to get ladies to notice you than increasing your social value. Peacocking would be effective in getting ladies to notice you, but you would look like an asshole, so his method is probably better. Peachez believes that as long as you get a bunch of hot chicks to surround you at the bar, you should be able to pick up chicks with no problems. Damnit, Peachez. If I had a bunch of hot chicks hanging around me at all times, I wouldn't need to go to the bar to pick up chicks. Looks like I better just keep wearing my furry hat, goggles, and six-inch platform shoes.

3. Peachez believes that getting girls out for a night of fun is easy. That is why he steps up his difficulty a little bit and tries to get the beautiful girls who are working when you are out on the town. Oh, but he's not going for waitresses or bartenders...
...he's going for strippers. Peachez knows that 90% of strippers have a strict, "Don't date the customers" policy, because he helped fund a research project to find out that very thing, and science don't lie, ya'll. So just don't become a customer. Make your buddy pay for her services for you, and then talk to her about feelings and stuff instead of having her grind on your crotch. The toughest part of picking up strippers is "telling your mother what your new lady does for a living." And if it doesn't work out, hey, you just tricked your buddy into paying for $100 private dance. Genius.

Peachez may never make the NFL, but he's still got Hall of Fame game.


  1. I've just installed iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

    1. Do they only show up on the taskbar? If so, is it just a small glimpse of these stripper, or is it a fully distorted image stretched out along the taskbar? I just want to make sure I do proper research before downloading. Ah, who am I kidding? I'll download either way.