Sunday, June 30, 2013

Life Lessons From Franklin & Bash's "Good Lovin"

Let's face it, the documentary Franklin and Bash is designed to teach. It is a show that I have learned so much from. First off, always go with the hot tub over the ocean. There are sharks in the ocean; the only biting pain you need to worry about in a hot tub is chlamydia. But anyway, here are the things I learned from this past week's episode of Franklin and Bash.

People Bowling - Bash seemed to knock down like everybody, but apparently messed up? I'm not sure how this game works.

Communication - Communication is key, but blowjobs make that impossible. This is why prostitutes are wise. I would think about seeing prostitutes for their wisdom, but shockingly, the prostitutes in eastern Iowa are goddamn terrifying.

Doctor-Patient Privileges - Sex surrogates are like doctors. It may seem like a reach at first, but proctologists stick fingers up asses, so is this really that big of a leap?

Sex Surrogates - Like prostitutes, but not. Prostitutes have sex with their clients, sex surrogates teach their patients how to make love. Important difference.

Hate Sex - If done properly, it can turn hate into real affection, and that is a beautiful thing. Sometimes, it is just a trick to get a better job.

Stanton Infeld - He was 16 and had sex with a 50 year old. I'm glad that Franklin and Bash don't even listen to his stories anymore. He also wears stupid sunglasses. Still the worst.

Coors Light - It is their drink, because Franklin and Bash are colder than cold.

Rachel King - Six years without sex, but doesn't want to be banged by old wrinkly balls judge either. Loosen up, lady.

Charlie - Will she ever be mentioned again? Is she sleeping with Rob Lowe? We may never know.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Bulls Targets for the 2013 NBA Draft

Since I am a blind optimist, I am assuming the Bulls are one piece away from winning the 2014 NBA Championship. I also think the Cubs are on the upswing, and the Bears will be lethal after they get rid of Jay Cutler after the season. I really wish I cared about hockey, because then I could celebrate the Blackhawks title, but I'm not, so the last pro title I got to celebrate was the Bulls 1998 title. Ah, those were the days.

But back to this current Bulls roster. They're totally awesome as long as Derrick Rose eventually plays basketball again. There are rumors that the Bulls might try and trade Luol Deng for a top pick, which I wouldn't be mad at. They don't lose much in going from Deng to Jimmy Butler, and Butler is still getting better. I don't expect that to happen, but I wouldn't be surprised if Deng did get traded for some sort of asset this offseason.

The great thing about the Bulls is that despite their front office never being mentioned as doing a good job, they do a really good job. Picking up Butler and Marquis Teague in the last two drafts both appear to be quality selections. Yeah, it's a little early on Teague, but I think with more playing time, the game will slow down for him, and he has the skills to succeed. Also, they keep putting together a successful bench, which is probably part front office and part Thibodeau getting the most out of his players.

The number one hole the Bulls have is at shooting guard. I could see the Bulls going bigger and having Butler at the two, but they would still need a good wing backup so Deng and Butler only play 45 minutes a night instead of 48. The other big need is at center, because I don't think they plan on Nazr hanging on for one more year, since he barely crawled through this season, but we'll always have this moment:
So, here are my top five choices for the Bulls at 20.

1. Kentavious Caldwell-Pope - KCP was originally projected to be picked around 20. Then people started watching him, and now there is a good chance he goes in the Top 10. Still, we're basing this information off mock drafts. Maybe he falls later, and the Bulls can scoop him up. He's a two-guard who can shoot and is athletic enough to score off the dribble. All you need is athleticism and you can be a good defender for Thibodeau, so yeah, he's dreamy. This is the dream scenario.

2. Reggie Bullock - Bullock kind of got lost in the shuffle at UNC, but he's pretty legit. He's not going to be an impact player, but he's a guy who can play good defense and make corner 3's. That's really all the Bulls need for that position.

3. Gorgui Dieng - This is the ideal center choice. Injury concerns are scary, but if he does stay healthy, he can come in and be Omer Asik for the Bulls. He would be a top 15 pick if he didn't have the injury concerns, so if he fell to the Bulls, I could dig that.

4. Tim Hardaway Jr. - He can create off the dribble, which would be a valuable asset for the Bulls bench.

5. Kelly Olynyk - A high energy big man seems like just the thing that Thibodeau would love to add to the squad.

Honorable Mention - I don't know enough about Jamaal Franklin or Tony Mitchell, since I never watch small school basketball. They both seem like decent players.

But the important thing is that the Bulls are going to win the title next year. I'll see you all at the parade.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Never Write Anything Meaningful in a Yeabook

I recently busted out my old yearbooks, and it is just a treasure trove of great advice and awesomeness. I am so proud that the vast majority of the people that signed my yearbook were idiots like me and put stupid shit like, "Let's get drunk" or "Let's bang sluts." That is awesome to look back on and laugh at.

Unfortunately, there are a few that are serious comments, you know, from the ladies, that I had feelings for back in the day. Now don't get me wrong; they are incredibly nice, and it is nice to look back and know that people actually cared about me when I was a barely functioning, teenage-child. Now it doesn't bother me that these girls wrote nice things; it bothers me that I know that I wrote some sappy bullshit to them. 

I mean, if these girls wrote nice things to me, I must have wrote the sappiest shit on the planet, professing my love for them and telling them how special they were, both physically and emotionally. I think if I were to have to read any of it today, I would get physically ill of what a pathetic nerd I was. 

Now, to be fair, of course I did this. One of my few skills was writing, so I needed to take advantage of it when I had the chance. And I was in high school. If you had the slightest feelings for a girl, that girl became THE girl and all else paled in comparison. What didn't help is that I had enough hormones raging through my veins that I could have had sex with an attractive pillow (Note: any pillow). You add that to a pretty high school girl, and yeah, I probably felt like a lot of girls were the one for me. 

Now, to those girls, you were all pretty cool chicks and none of you turned out to be heroin addicts, so I at least had good taste. Also, thanks for not putting a restraining order on me, and please god, never show anyone what I wrote. 

But I just thought I would share this story so the future generation could learn from my mistakes. Never write anything meaningful in a yearbook. The best comments you can put are "Let's get drunk" or "Let's bang sluts." If you want to get real creative, you could write, "Let's get drunk AND bang sluts." Only an idiot would refer to girls as sluts, but shit man, you're in high school. High school should be dedicated to being an idiot. I certainly was, and I regret nothing. 

But now I'm an adult, so let's get drunk and bang sl...make love to intellectual ladies.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

I'm Unemployed...Yet Again

Well, it was fun while it lasted. Going to work. Having a purpose. Getting paychecks. All of those were pretty cool if you ask me. But all good things must come to an end, and that is why I am in my rightful place, unemployed without a damn thing to do.

Unlike my previous stints of unemployment, this one is actually welcome. I was offered three months of pay and benefits for doing nothing. And it was during the summer months. When I first heard that offer, I was at about 50/50. I actually enjoyed my job, my bosses never bothered me, and I worked with good people. But, then I started thinking and realized I could get paid this summer for doing nothing. I also took a step back and realized that I was planning on moving in a different direction in my career in about four months. That was the big one. I could either work for four months and get paid for four months, or I could not work a day and get three months of pay. I chose the latter but wish the best to everyone I worked with.

But with that unemployment, it should mean more time for blogging. Seriously, I'm an adult and I have no idea how to occupy my time. I read a lot, but outside of some traveling, I should have plenty of time to get my blog on.

I should probably update my resume, possibly look for some part-time work, and maybe help plan my wedding in September, but those can wait. I got blogging to do. If anybody has any ideas for something they want me to write about, feel free to send them my way by emailing me at uncensoredwriting@gmail.com, tweeting me @HottJoe, or going to the Facebook page. I write about animals having sex with humans, so it's going to be tough to find a topic that I won't write about.

Also, if you have any life suggestions, feel free to send those my way as well, especially if you know any job opportunities as an International Playboy. That's always been my dream job, so if somebody could make that happen, that would be great. 

Monday, June 24, 2013

Franklin & Bash Season 3, Episodes 1-2 Notes

So I have had these notes from the first two episodes of Franklin and Bash with the plan of turning into a well thought out post about the show. Instead, I'm just going to post the notes and let you figure it out. If you watched the episodes, this should all make sense. Feel free to ask for any clarification.

Jared Franklin - Jared is an amateur magician and performs marriages.

Peter Bash - Knows that a sticky floor is just good party traction.
Pre-game pushups. This is just a wise maneuver.
Pain killers really put him out of work.

Rachel King - She owned Franklin and Bash on Piers Morgan. She takes ballet, likes zombies, and does not like partying. Discipline is what she is all about. She depends on incompetence to get the better of Franklin and Bash. Gives Damien terrible advice about exposing his masturbation video, and gives her magician friend terrible advice too. She is an awful lawyer.
She cares about veterans.

August West - He is a magician, so of course he has to get defended by Franklin and Bash.

Tim West - The angry magician brother.

Damien Karp - Has to release his masturbation tape to the world. He's got a new hair cut, and it is HAIRRIBLE. He's trying to be Bash instead of being happy with who he is.
His hair was all over the place. Like, everybody should rewatch these episodes to see all the changes. It was really blwoing my mind.

Hannah - She gone.

Stanton Infeld - He brought on a name partner with no experience at his firm. That is a total bitch move. If you want to be the boss, you gotta act like a BAWSS. This was not a BAWSS move. He takes out Bash with a touch to the pectoral, because science.
He can no longer remember his made up stories, which I guess is progress.
Infeld is still the worst.

Pindar Singh - Such a nerd. Their hotel room had a lot of bodily fluids. Burned the house down.

Carmen - Carmen makes a lot of sense. I vote for more Carmen. She used speed dating to get information for a case.

I really wish the guys could have realized that they are working for the world's most famous magician and could have just paid for the bracelet ten times over and kept this whole thing quiet.

Hot Jury Member - Franklin and Bash just kept trying to seduce this broad with their lawyering ways.

Coors Light aluminum bottles - The drink of champions.

Right Boob Signatures - It is the preference of classy ladies.

Hot Tubs - RIP. They went from hot tubs being a central part of the show to only being used once last season, to now no longer having a hot tub.

Natalya - Ukranian broad.

Blue Moon - Because Franklin and Bash will not drink real beers this season.

Charlie - Hot blonde with a sexy Australian accent.

Don French - War veteran, tire slasher, overall badass. I just felt bad for him, because he had to have his celebratory party at the new house, so he didn't get to experience the magic of the hot tub.

Judge Maxwell Nunis - Loves Franklin and Bash. He tries to be zany too, but he could definitely use some work on his eccentricity.

AutoTrader.com - Great place to get sweet vehicles.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Let's Talk About Young Torture Killaz's "I'll Cut Yo Dick Off"

As the title suggests, this is something that we all need to talk about. Ashley Burns from Uproxx called it the song of the summer, and it's really hard to argue. Let's just go straight to the video, because I'm still going through a lot of different emotions about this.

Wow...just, wow.

First thing that jumps out, is hoowee, this song is awful, but it doesn't take an expert analysis to figure that out. These are three of the least intimidating dudes on the planet and putting on eyeliner and smearing ketchup on their faces definitely does not help their cause. The next thing that really jumps out is they chop a lot of hot dogs in this video, but only one time is it actually connected to a person, and in that case, they are chopping their own "dick" off.

You're not really helping your cause with this demonstration. Still, let's break down the members of the group. Say hello to The Rusty One.
He seems to be the leader of the group, because he is allowed to say "yeah" while the chorus is going. He's a "hood rich killer who will leave you bloody like a tampon." Bloody like a tampon is every 12 year-old's clever saying, and I expect more from The Rusty One. The most important thing he says is, "Put your fucking dicks in the air for Dr. Consequence. Dr. Consequence is probably my favorite member of the crew.
He kills it with his line of, "Woop Woop, choppin' nuts, bangin' sluts, fuckin' butts," which is just how Dr. Consequence lives his his life. He also rides in a lot of helicopters, which is pretty boss.

Finally, there is Young Nino, who is the worst of the group.
Not only is he the token fat guy, but with the makeup and the green hair, he is the token fat guy who is trying way too hard to fit in, which just makes him more of an outcast. I bet he is the worst at dick choppin' parties, because he just tries WAY too hard. Also, most of his rap revolves around him drinking wine, which is the least dick choppin' of all alcohols.

Dr. Consequence leaves us with a nice heads up that we shouldn't worry, because he's a doctor. Still, the best line of this song comes from The Rusty One, where he states, "You want some trouble, but the minute I show up with scissors...ain't no safety scissors either." His scissors will straight cut yo dick off.

And that's the whole song. After listening to it a dozen times, is it still terrible? Well, that's a complicated question, because music is really subjective, but yes, it is very terrible. Still, god bless the Young Torture Killaz for this summer jam. Never change, fellas...never change.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Keys to the VIP Scouting Report: Peachez

I recently finished up scouting the Bears draft picks, and I asked if there was any other players that I should break down, I received the suggestion of Peachez. Peachez was one of four guys on the greatest reality show ever made, Keys to the VIP. You've never heard of it, because it only aired in Canada. Still, just about every episode is up on YouTube these days, so I'll wait while you go through each episode of the three seasons...done? Good. That was amazing, right? It's basically the perfect reality show, as they give supposed ladies men stupid tasks to complete, and it is always hilarious. If they succeed, it is usually funny to see what works, and if they fail, it is obviously hilarious to see how awful people are.

Each gentleman is an expert pickup artist descending from the four corners of the male psyche. Peachez is described as an "Ex All-Star jock inspired seduction specialist." It feels like there should be a comma in that description, but Peachez gonna Peach. I assume that is what he would say before going out with his boys. His real name is Emeka Bronson. All-Star jock seems like a tad bit of a stretch, since I can't find anything about his athletic career anywhere. But athletics is boring; let's focus on his real game and see some of the lessons that he lives by.

1.Teamwork is key.

You don't always need to be the star of the show, and sometimes being a great wingman is just as important, as, "every Maverick needs his Goose." My favorite part is that "dibs" is a well-respected law of picking up women, but he does at least determine dibs by whoever opens up the conversation with ladies. Fair is fair. I do find it a little disturbing that he makes pickup seem like soldiers going to war, but hey, whatever gets you ready to "sarge" is well worth it. Being a team player is important to Peachez, and I respect that.

2. You gotta have social value.

I would say there are probably easier ways to get ladies to notice you than increasing your social value. Peacocking would be effective in getting ladies to notice you, but you would look like an asshole, so his method is probably better. Peachez believes that as long as you get a bunch of hot chicks to surround you at the bar, you should be able to pick up chicks with no problems. Damnit, Peachez. If I had a bunch of hot chicks hanging around me at all times, I wouldn't need to go to the bar to pick up chicks. Looks like I better just keep wearing my furry hat, goggles, and six-inch platform shoes.

3. Peachez believes that getting girls out for a night of fun is easy. That is why he steps up his difficulty a little bit and tries to get the beautiful girls who are working when you are out on the town. Oh, but he's not going for waitresses or bartenders...
...he's going for strippers. Peachez knows that 90% of strippers have a strict, "Don't date the customers" policy, because he helped fund a research project to find out that very thing, and science don't lie, ya'll. So just don't become a customer. Make your buddy pay for her services for you, and then talk to her about feelings and stuff instead of having her grind on your crotch. The toughest part of picking up strippers is "telling your mother what your new lady does for a living." And if it doesn't work out, hey, you just tricked your buddy into paying for $100 private dance. Genius.

Peachez may never make the NFL, but he's still got Hall of Fame game.

Monday, June 10, 2013

A Comprehensive Breakdown of the Fresh Prince's "Parents Just Don't Understand"


"Parents Just Don't Understand" is a song that I have been meaning to break down for a while. Probably like 25 years, because this song is brilliant and also one of the most inappropriate songs ever written. Somehow it has avoided scrutiny. Well, Fresh Prince, if that is even your real name, today is the day that you pay the piper. I would hope you have already heard it, but here is a video for those uninitiated.

Now onto the lyrics.

You know parents are the same no matter time nor place
They don't understand that us kids are gonna make some mistakes
So to you, all the kids all across the land
There's no need to argue, parents just don't understand

Okay, this is actually all very acceptable. Parents be parents just as women be shoppin.

I remember one year
My mom took me school shopping
It was me, my brother, my mom, oh, my pop, and my little sister
All hopped in the car
We headed downtown to the Gallery Mall
My mom started bugging with the clothes she chose
I didn't say nothing at first
I just turned up my nose
She said, "What's wrong? This shirt cost $20"
I said, "Mom, this shirt is plaid with a butterfly collar!"
The Fresh Prince and I are totally on the same page on this one. This shirt is hideous. Sadly, this shirt is very likely to be fashionable soon if it is not already. Since I am in my late 20s, I have no idea what is cool with the kids these days.

The next half hour was the same old thing
My mother buying me clothes from 1963
And then she lost her mind and did the ultimate
I asked her for Adidas and she bought me Zips!

I just learned that his Mom did not buy him "zits." That never made sense, but you know, parents don't understand, and maybe his Mom bought pepperoni to rub on his face.

Oh, and what are Zips? They are just crappy shoes...with awesome commercials.


I said, "Mom, what are you doing, you're ruining my rep"
She said, "You're only sixteen, you don't have a rep yet"
I said, "Mom, let's put these clothes back, please"
She said "no, you go to school to learn not for a fashion show"
I said, "This isn't Sha Na Na, come on Mom, I'm not Bowzer
Mom, please put back the bell-bottom Brady Bunch trousers

This is Sha Na Na; I have a totally new respect for this opening verse.
There is so much that is going on in that picture. I...I can't even...words cannot do that photo justice. Let's move on.

But if you don't want to I can live with that but
You gotta put back the double-knit reversible slacks"
She wasn't moved - everything stayed the same
Inevitably the first day of school came
I thought I could get over, I tried to play sick
But my mom said, "No, no way, uh-uh, forget it"
There was nothing I could do, I tried to relax
I got dressed up in those ancient artifacts

He probably should have just worn his clothes from the year before. Even if they were a little small, I would think it would be a better solution. Come on Prince, you've got to know the basics in staying Fresh.

And when I walked into school, it was just as I thought
The kids were cracking up laughing at the clothes Mom bought
And those who weren't laughing still had a ball
Because they were pointing and whispering
As I walked down the hall

I wonder what those kids were thinking. Like, "Wow, that guy looks like a real asshole in those clothes, but there ain't no way I'm gonna laugh at The Fresh Prince. Let's just point and whisper, out of respect."

I got home and told my Mom how my day went
She said, "If they were laughing you don't need them,
Cause they're not good friends"
For the next six hours I tried to explain to my Mom
That I was gonna have to go through this about 200 more times
So to you all the kids all across the land
There's no need to argue
Parents just don't understand

I would just like to pause that just about everything in this first verse is completely understandable from The Fresh Prince's perspective. He tried to reason with his Mom, and she just wouldn't listen, and it really ruined his first day of school. This is all understandable. I point that out, because this second verse is in no way, shape, or form, understandable.

Oh-kay, here's the situation
My parents went away on a week's vacation and
They left the keys to the brand new Porsche
Would they mind?

Yes, very much so.

Umm, well, of course not

You are not accurately thinking like your parents.

I'll just take it for a little spin
And maybe show it off to a couple of friends
I'll just cruise it around the neighborhood
Well, maybe I shouldn't
Yeah, of course I should

Oh, Fresh Prince, I understand your teen angst and that you must drive their Porsche, but this will turn out to lead to numerous bad decisions later on.

Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot
I pulled up to the corner at the end of my block
That's when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking

This is the whole reason that I am writing this post. This whole scene is SOOOOO messed up. Please continue, Mr. Prince.

I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking
You should've seen this girl's bodily dimensions
I honked my horn just to get her attention
She said, "Was that for me?"
I said, "Yeah"
She said, "Why?"
I said, "Come on and take a ride with a helluva guy"

I really would like to find a way to reenact this scene but finding a random girl on the streets to get her part right would be really tough. And, I'm not sure the best way to respond when a girl tells me, "Go fuck yourself." Come on and take a ride with a helluva...shelf? Elf? That doesn't seem quite as charming.

She said, "How do I know you're not sick?
You could be some deranged lunatic"
I said, "C'mon toots - my name is The Prince
Besides, would a lunatic have a Porsche like this?"
She agreed and we were on our way

Woah, woah, woah. This scenario would never come close to playing out in real life. At least, dear god, I hope it does not happen in real life. If this is why there are so many missing girls, then some of the blame has to go to the ladies, because they ought to know better. These are very good questions from this young lady, but she should not accept these answers. If a man has a nice car, calls you "toots," and refers to himself as, "The Prince" run for your life. There is no positive outcome in that scenario.

She was looking very good and so was I, I must say - word
We hit McDonald's, pulled into the drive

Thought in Fresh Prince's head, "Just picked up a hot date, better take her to the best restaurant in town. You know my motto? LL Big M - Ladies Love Big Macs."

We ordered two Big Macs and two large fries with Cokes
She kicked her shoes off onto the floor
She said, "Drive fast, speed turns me on"
She put her hand on my knee, I put my foot on the gas
We almost got whiplash, I took off so fast
The sun roof was open , the music was high
And this girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh

This is an incredibly disturbing thought if you know where this song is headed. So, so, very disturbing.

She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far

Oh, God, that is WAY worse.

I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car

That's bad.

We're doing ninety in my Mom's new Porsche
And to make this long story short - short
When the cop pulled me over I was scared as hell
I said, "I don't have a license but I drive very well, officer"

That's worse.

I almost had a heart attack that day
Come to find out the girl was a twelve-year-old runaway

WHAT? 12? 12 years old? A twelve-year-old? This song was recorded in 1988, which would have made The Fresh Prince 20 years old. I don't think I have ever, even when I was 12, thought, "You should have seen this girl's bodily dimensions," about a 12 year old. When I was 12, I wasn't thinking that about 12 years old. When I was 20, I didn't come across many 12 year olds, and I certainly didn't drive around town in my 1993 Mercury Tracer trying to pick them up off the street. Not to mention this was a runaway, meaning that this girl was either in week-old clothing or simply down to wearing a potato sack. That is what got The Fresh Prince to think, "Wow, that girl is beautiful. I love her My Little Pony backpack and how she is playing with Barbies on the side of the street." That's way fucked up, and this was a popular song that nobody saw any issues with 25 years ago. This song will never be covered, because the person who sings that would immediately be brought in by the FBI for questioning. Anyway, let's move on...

I was arrested, the car was impounded
There was no way for me to avoid being grounded

GROUNDED? You're worried about being grounded? That should be the least of your worries. In all honesty, you should be ecstatic that you got arrested before you committed statutory rape. I would send those cops a nice fruit basket.

My parents had to come off from vacation to get me
I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me

Dude, you have no idea how close you came to finding out that jail is way WAY worse than having your father hit you. Your butt was nearly turned into a community glory hole.

My parents walked in
I got my grip, I said, "Ah, Mom, Dad, how was your trip?"
They didn't speak - I said, "I want to plead my case"
But my father just shoved me in the car by my face
That was a hard ride home, I don't know how I survived
They took turns - one would beat me while the other was driving
I can't believe it, I just made a mistake

No. No no no no no no no. That is not a mistake. Forgetting to lock the door is a mistake. Leaving the windows open with the AC on is a mistake. Nearly committing statutory rape is most certainly not a mistake.

Well parents are the same no matter time nor place
So to you all the kids all across the land
Take it from me, parents just don't understand

Sure, he almost went to jail for 20 years, but you really should have seen this 12 year old's bodily dimensions.