Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Suits Power Rankings - She's Mine

Obviously, this was the biggest episode of the season in my mind, because we had a very special guest appearance. But as special as that man is to me, it still was not enough to get him up to number one, because shit went down this week and there was some incredibly strong lawyering. We found out about the murder, there was a fight, and Rachel got to do some lawyering. So, yeah, people had strong weeks. You can check out last week's here, and now onto this very special edition of the Suits Power Rankings:

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey threatens beating up Huntley, because nobody messes with Harvey's case. But Harvey decides to skip out on being managing partner, because he's over it. Harvey can't reason with Jessica, because she's still pretty butthurt at Harvey over his betrayal and effort to take her job. I wish these two could just sit down and Harvey could end all this with a simple, "Playa's gotta play, ya know?" Harvey may not become managing partner, but he may get out of the merger. He then finds out about Huntley's evil doings, and he goes and kicks his ass, just like he threatened to do. The thing I enjoyed the most about their fight scene is their willingness to work the body. I mean, yes, you could hit a liver shot and put someone out, and since they are inexperienced, maybe knock the wind out of your opponent, but body shots are really there to wear down someone. I really enjoy that in Harvey's rage, his fighting strategy was still designed for 12 rounds. Also, his hair still looked marvelous.

2. Rachel Zane - Rachel is helping Louis steal Mikado and she is finally going to get to be a lawyer. Yes, it is only in a mock trial, but it's still real to her, damnit. She kicks ass in the case and shows that she has what it takes to be a great lawyer. Luckily, Columbia agrees, as she is going to law school. Looks like somebody read my review last week and learned that there were law schools on the east coast as well as the west coast. Yes, she may not be working on murder trials, but some would argue that cat possession cases are to mock trials what murder is to real trials. Also, Mikado even likes her, and he usually hates strangers. Maybe Rachel should be Mikado's owner.

3. Mike Ross - He thinks that Harvey may have trouble fighting Huntley, because Huntley plays rugby. Little does he know that if Huntley messes Harvey's hair, Harvey basically turns into The Incredible Hulk. Mike reasons with Jessica that she is going after Nick, because she's mad at Harvey. Mike uses his photographic memory to learn all of Cameron's secrets, and they find out that Nick Howell is not as dumb and innocent as he looks. This actually isn't his biggest discovery, because it turns out Nick was just shady, not guilty. He found out that Huntley and Mariga used to play rugby together and that Huntley ordered the murders. Also, I would have really liked to see this scene as Mike visits Rachel's apartment:

Mike: You are not going to believe the day I had.
Rachel: Oh, me too. You go first.
Mike: Due to some nifty investigation, I found out that Huntley is the guy who ordered the murders.
Rachel: Oh, wow, that's crazy. Almost as crazy as what happened to me. They called in Harold on the cat case to try to destroy Louis's credibility, but I turned it around and ended up getting Louis control of the associates again. Lawyering, AMIRITE?
Mike: Are you comparing your mock trial cat custody case to my real-life murder trial?
Rachel: You just can't stand me being a successful lawyer in a big time case. Why can't you just be happy for me?
Mike: (stunned silence)

So, nice lawyering, Mike. Not as nice as your girlfriend's, but still nice.

4. Harold Gunderson - HOLY SHIT! Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. OH MY GOD. Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God. That was literally all I could do while fanning myself down when Harold showed up. It's always good to see an old friend. I was also really hoping we would find out how he got a new name, but that was unfortunately not the case. But Harold comes back to testify that Louis is an awful parent in the Mikado case. Harold has scars on his psyche. He is also the Michael Vick of catsitting. Louis's incompetence was brought up in court to discredit him. He failed to deliver a motion to court, because of inclement weather. He gave the strategy of their case to opposing counsel, because he thought it was part of disclosure. He left a zero off the Hopkins settlement, but Louis covered for him and saved them $900,000. Even though he hates Louis and he wasn't under oath, he still told the truth about Louis's love for cats, because Harold is a man of honor. Also, despite everything, Harold still has a kickass job at another law firm. Everything's coming up Harold, baby!

5. Cameron Dennis - Finally has a case, as the Colonel is the perfect witness to prove Ava Hessington is guilty. This is the most shocking turn of events ever. Not the Colonel part, but just that Cameron has a case. This is like a guy going after a girl way out of his league, her telling him he has no chance, but not giving up. He tries, again and again, and even drunk, she's like, "sorry, not happening." But he just keeps trying, and maybe some PUA dropped a roofie in her drink, but Cameron at least has a chance to finally close the deal. Still, it's not over yet.

6. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is doing everything he can to keep Mikado, because it's his best friend. Louis doesn't have time to learn Chinese, because he's too busy preparing for a cat mock trial. Louis is going to have Rachel help him in order to keep his love, and yes, we are still talking about Mikado. But Louis does have one other love, and that is fostering the growth of the associates. It may be tough love, but he agrees to a settlement that gives Mikado to Nigel while he takes back over in leading the associates.

7. Colonel Mariga - Is just loving life. He's killed; he's cool with it, and sometimes he took money for it. Also, he's had phone conversations with Ava, which gives him a hearty laugh. "It's good to be Colonel Mariga" is what he thinks as he lays his head on the pillow and drifts into slumber at a five star hotel.

8. Jessica Pearson - Jessica got over her hissy fit and is taking over the firm again, but she is taking her anger at Harvey against Ava. She uses that anger to go after the assistant, Nick, because he's a tool. She was more wrong than right, but it got them closer to the final answer. Also, she now wants out of the merger, which, um, seems like a difficult thing to reverse. I am pretty sure Darby was smart enough to make the all important note in the document of "No take backs," but I guess we'll see.

9. Edward Darby - Darby is as cool as a cucumber, as everything works out for him. This is a man who power-bottomed his way to the top, so he's not afraid of a little pressure. (Sidenote: I believe the previous sentence may be the best thing I have ever written in my entire life).

10. Nigel Alexander Nesbitt - Put a tracking device on Mikado, because he sees Mikado as a possession. Nigel gets pressured into a mock trial and has to defend himself, because the associates aren't good enough to win his case. He found Harold to testify against Louis, but even that backfired against him. Finally, he had to make a settlement, give up the associates to get back his precious Mikado. It was a win-win for both sides.

11. Mikado - Needs her special milk and needs special love. She truly is a wondrous feline, one that will be spending her life with Nigel.

12. Donna Paulsen - Donna thought that Stephen was perfect, but Harvey let her know that he shits the bed, and sadly, that is not his worst quality. Donna caught Stephen lying to her, which hurt her both professionally and personally. That is also not his worst quality. Stephen made her cry, so Harvey goes and beats him up to defend her honor. I feel like Donna is the type of person who can take a step back and admire that she has two men fighting over her honor.

13. Ava Hessington - Ava had a phone call, but she didn't think that was important. If she was a dude, nobody would be surprised that she forgot about a phone call; they would have just been happy that she was fully dressed, but since she's a lady, she's expected to remember everything like a gossiping teenager.

14. Nick Howell - Ava's assistant who had some shady things going on, but none of them were murder. Despite stabbing Ava in the back, he still seems shocked that they may try to convince a jury that he called for the murders. He is completely unlovable, basically the anti-Harold.

15. Stephen Huntley - Not only does Huntley play the piano, he also plays rugby. Unfortunately when he's not doing those activities, he's messing up Ava Hessington's case like a poor man's Harold. But he wasn't doing it because of incompetence, he was doing it because he ordered the murders. Since he hurt Donna, Harvey confronts him in the bathroom, because at Pearson Darby Specter, if people aren't in their office, they are usually washing their hands after a good shit. Seriously, people are always found in the men's bathroom at the sink. What would Harvey have done if he was at a urinal or on the can? Would he wait? Would he punch a guy with his dick in his hand. Would he kick down a stall door? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Anyway, Stephen gives Harvey a good fight, but is left laying on the bathroom floor when it's all said and done. On top of this, he lost his arrangement with Donna, so he'll be stuck calling a New York City Hooker. Not the prostitute kind, the rugby kind, because he likes to get on the pitch when he's not getting laid.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Suits Power Rankings - The Other Time

Last week's Suits set up quite a few complications. Unfortunately, all of those complications will have to wait a week, as it's a flashback episode this week. What were these cool cats like in their younger years? I was hoping for two things: 1. A ton of HARDMAN and 2. Harvey wearing adult braces. I would have settled for one, but, instead I got neither. For last week's rankings, click here. Now onto fun from the past, including multiple Harvey rankings:

1. Past Harvey Specter - Just want high-fives and Cameron's scotch. He also skirts the law, but he won't break it. He will break himself off a piece of Donna though, hey-o!

2. Cameron Dennis - Back in the day, he did a shitty Sean Connery impression, and tried to break the law, since he's all about putting bad guys behind bars. He's still a shady prosecutor, but my sources tell me that his Sean Connery impression is on point. He got his fake witness to become real thanks to Stephen Huntley. Somebody's gettin' a mustache ride tonight.

3. Stephen Huntley - Just stopping in to say hello, or as the British say, "Jolly day, you fine ol' chum." He also tries to convince Mike to tell Harvey to take the deal, but this is just because he has been secretly plotting against Harvey the entire time and gives Cameron the witness that he needed. It is a total dick move, but he's getting his while screwing over Harvey, so props are deserved. Why does he hate Harvey? Jealousy, but it's not professional, it's personal. Trust me on this one.

4. Frat McBro - Set up Mike and Trevor. Mike hated him for being a bully, but Frat McBro hated Mike for being a know-it-all. He takes all of their money, and his bros have his back. They are gonna pound so many Mountain Dews and Doritos with that money. EXTREME!

5. Harvey Specter - Harvey has his name on the wall, which is pretty boss. He spends most of his day just staring at his name on the wall, which is a little pathetic. Act like you've been there before. He also won't listen to Huntley about anything, because Stephen is banging his secretary. He has thought he has won the Ava Hessington case about 15 times now, and he still hasn't learned that new evidence is always popping up out of nowhere. Act like you've been there before.

6. Past Donna Paulsen - Donna used to know everything about everything. She is trying to convince Harvey to not go along with Cameron's shady dealings. She also bought whipped cream to seduce Harvey and get their freak on. Donna wanted to get Harvey as a lover, but she got him as a boss.

7. Mr. Specter - Just hitting balls at the park with his pitching machine. But even with those baseball skills, his wife still cheated on him. Hitting balls a the park with a pitching machine is a pretty boss thing to do. Drinking while doing it is goddamn fantastic, but thinking about how your ex-wife cheated on you brings a level of sadness to the whole day. Still, he uses his past mistakes to teach Harvey a valuable lesson and pounds a few beers in the process. That's not too bad in my book.

8. Bertha - Did Bertha become her name after she got big, or was she destined to be big when her parents named her Bertha? A true philosophical question. Anyway, she's the sassy black woman that all offices could use a little more of.

9. Mikado - Sleeping in the bed with Louis. Doesn't love Louis nearly as much as he loves him.

10. Trevor Evans - Has a trustworthy weed dealer that lets him take $1000 worth of weed on consignment. He also sold Mike's answers to a test and got Mike expelled. But hey, he got to stay in school, so he's all good.

11. Rachel Zane - Going to Stanford, because there are no law schools in the northeast outside of Harvard.

12. Blowjob Redhead - Making out with random dudes, because Mike wasn't able to close the deal.

13. Louis Marlo Litt - Everything was coming up Louis in the present with his new best friend and freshly whitened teeth until he saw Harvey's name on the wall. Everything was coming up Louis in the past until he found out Harvey had not only taken a job at the firm, but that he got his own secretary despite being a lowly associate. At least he has the ability to take days off when he needs it.

14. Omar - Loves the Dallas Cowboys and movie quotes. He is also trustworthy, and that's an admirable characteristic.

15. Grandma Ross - She watches Law & Order, so she knows her shit. Gives Mike terrible advice that costs him his chance at going to Harvard.

16. Past Mike Ross - Loves smoking weed and actually got into Harvard on his own merit. Unfortunately, his answers got sold to the Dean's daughter, so the Dean sticks it to him in his final power move. Also, how old are these guys during this time period? I just realized that I have no idea if they were in high school or undergrad. They weren't old enough to drink, but they hung around fraternities. Was Mike graduating ridiculously early? No, because Trevor was going to graduate at the same time. Maybe he had a late birthday and he got bumped up a year. I don't know how old you are, Past Mike. This is really going to bother me.

17. Dean PowerMoves - His daughter is a 4, but his power moves are a 10. Still lost his job.

18. Jessica Pearson - Jessica took down partners in the past, and it screwed her over in the present. Harvey tries to take back his deal, but Jessica is pissed, so they probably won't be buddying up anytime soon.

19. Marcus - Harvey's brother. He's not around, so everybody can talk shit about him. Poor Marcus.

20. The Ugly Daughter - Got her Dad fired and when she posted her picture to Hot Or Not, she only got a 4.6. There are horses who score higher than that.

Monday, August 19, 2013

What the WWE Should Do With Daniel Bryan

Okay, so here is my dream angle for Daniel Bryan:

Bryan continues to shoot promos on Raw, and the McMahons continue to have security to escort him out of the building. After three or four weeks, they kick him out when Antonio Cesaro and Sami Zayn come out and beat up the security guards. Cesaro is a bad guy right now, but he can explain, "This isn't about a gimmick, this is about wrestling." This is when I get fully hard, because that would totally be awesome. The angle can go in one or two ways at this point.

1. These guys just start hauling ass on people, because they are as good or better wrestlers than anybody in the WWE. They eventually face off against a team of Orton, Del Rio, and Triple H. The wrestlers are about to win when all of a sudden, Sierra Hotel India Echo Lima Delta hits. The Shield comes strutting down the stairs. They get to the ring, Dean Ambrose takes the mic and says, "We fight for injustice. We have no beef with you guys. As you were," and the wrestlers put on some sick ass finishing move to win the match. That would be totally awesome.

2. Instead of fighting the guys the WWE loves, they have matches with each other. They bring in guys like Tyson Kidd, Kassius Ohno, and some other NXT guys and just have awesome wrestling matches. Instead of them proving themselves to the other WWE wrestlers, the other WWE wrestlers start proving themselves to the wrestlers. Dolph Ziggler starts wrestling against them. The Shield has matches against them. Hell, eventually, they could invent their own title, and this could anger Randy Orton so much that he challenges their champion to unify the belts. This would also be totally awesome.

Full disclosure: I'm just looking for an awesome way to get Antonio Cesaro a push.

Support Independent Wrestling

So I went to a local wrestling show this past weekend, and I cannot recommend doing something anymore than I recommend doing this. Seriously, support independent wrestling. Is the wrestling top notch? No, definitely not. Is there still some cool wrestling that goes on? Absolutely. Is it worth the money? I paid $7, but I'll let you decide whether it was worth the money from the following stories.

Right when I walk in, I have people marking out for my shirt, which is a red, white, and blue, Ultimate Warrior logo shirt. We later learned that one of the guys complimenting my shirt was in the main event that night.

They had bench seating around the ring, and thank god I didn't take advantage of that. I was standing at a table, and a family got up off the bench right in front of me. There was one problem, the father was sitting on the end, and he was the last to get up from the bench. When the mother and daughter got up, their side of the bench flipped up, which means the Dad's side flipped down sending him to the concrete, hard. Luckily, he was fine, but it was still a complete clusterfuck as the people running the event tried to come up with a solution. They did eventually get it figured out.

One of the security guards was about 5'0" tall, and you could have easily convinced me that he was anywhere from 12-35 years old. And, oh man, did he get a massive power boner anytime he got to instruct the crowd to watch out. You would have thought a tank was about to roll through, when in reality, it was a shopping cart with a wrestler inside of it (seriously).

We got there a little late, but the matches that we saw early on were...not good. There were a lot of moves botched pretty badly, but this is a hobby for these guys, so it was fine. If you were looking for Sami Zayn vs. Antonio Cesaro, then you were going to be disappointed, but if you just wanted to sit back and be entertained, the matches did their job.

Huge props to the tag team that lost right before intermission. One guy was knocked out in the middle of the ring. His partner started pounding on his chest to revive him. Then, instead of mouth-to-mouth, he just poured a beer down his throat, and the dude was fully revived. They called it CPBR. If you aren't excited about the possibility of performing CPBRs with friends, then you must hate fun.

Oh shit, I almost forgot that Raven was there. Yeah, Raven was there. We thought that he had shaved his head, but it turns out that he just died his hair the same color as his skin, so it just kind of blended into his scalp.

Raven did commentary for the Raven's Rules (hardcore) Match. The most entertaining part of that was him calling out the guys anytime they didn't hit somebody hard enough. The highlights of the match were definitely each guy taking staples from a staple gun to the head. Also, there were tacks prominently involved in the match. There were two guys bleeding out of their foreheads for like 150 people. How cool is that? Trust me, it's awesome.

There was a tag match for the main event. Most of the match was pretty good; they messed up the ending, but shit happens. The funniest part of the match was that a girl tried to get a "Cut His Hair" chant going in the middle of the match and ran up to the ring with scissors. Unfortunately, she was supposed to wait until after the match was over to get that chant going, so one of the wrestlers had to shoo her away. But don't worry, folks, they did still cut his hair after the match. Although they used some dull scissors, and it looked like they were half cutting, half ripping out the guy's hair.

The highlight for my buddy and I was a guy standing next to us, who lives on three things...

Cigs, Dip, and Dew.

Throughout the entire night, this guy was blazing through cigarettes, spitting out chew like it was going out of style, and pounding his Mountain Dews to show that he was truly extreme. That alone was impressive to watch. On top of that, he seriously commented to me about how a local duo were a really good tag team. There was no sarcasm in his voice, no hint that it was staged, he admired their teamwork. It was still real to him, damnit.

Also, in the least shocking news possible, he was wearing a John Cena shirt.

On the opposite end of the shocking scale: No girlfriend. So ladies, trust me, your Prince Charming is out there.

If you don't think that is $7 worth of entertainment, there is something wrong with you. Support independent wrestling, you won't regret it.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

God Does Not Want Me To Watch FS1

Fox Sports 1 is supposed to be the sports network for mouth breathers, so I really needed to see if it could be as stupid as it claimed to be. I started off with an episode of Fox College Football Kickoff. A talking head show hosted by Erin Andrews. You could just look at the screen and realize that, yes, this show was gonna be real stupid.

They started off talking about Johnny Manziel. They put together a video package with highlights of his thug life from the summer including him sitting at an NBA game. All it reminded me of is that Johnny Manziel really didn't do anything this summer. Unfortunately, it gave Erin Andrews chills with everything that happened over the summer, which, I'm hoping she just got confused and somebody turned the temperature in the room, and that is why she got chills.

Then Eddie George, with a nice shirt-tie combo, started talking, and he came in support of Manziel. It was blind optimism that Johnny Football would just come in and do what he did again, because he already did it once, but considering the topic, this is a defensible position, because it isn't outrageously stupid.

Then came in some jabroni who took me 10 minutes of Google searching to find out was Joel Klatt, who is a person that exists. He was not going to stand for reasoned responses, and right as he was getting ready to talk about how Manziel would disappoint everyone around him and really drop the stupid hammer on this show, the cable went out. Not all of my cable, just FS1. Every other channel was working fine. So I'm pretty sure that this is a sign from God that I should not put myself through that harrowing journey.

Good luck, FS1. Jesus loves everyone, except for you.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

How Darren Young Came Out is More Important Than the What He Did

So Darren Young, WWE Superstar and one half of the Prime Time Players, came out of the closet and announced that he's gay. That alone is awesome. He felt comfortable enough in his work environment and to the world as a whole to come out of the closet. This is a very positive step for society as a whole. That news alone is very good. But how he did it makes it ten times better.
Somebody from TMZ asked him about whether an openly gay wrestler could survive in the WWE, and he just started laughing. He then casually states, "Look at me. I'm a WWE Superstar, and to be honest with you, I'm gay, and I'm happy." He came out to the world, and he really didn't give a shit about it. It is who he is, and it's not a big deal to him at all. Even when the reporter tries to make a big deal out of him coming out, he downplays it as it is not that big of a deal.

While the reporter is going through all of his questions, Darren Young is trying to get away. He's not trying to answer a bunch of questions, because he doesn't care. He announced that he's gay, and now all he wants to do is get in his car and go to the hotel. This is no big press conference, this wasn't even really thought about. Somebody just asked him a question about whether gay wrestlers could survive in the WWE, and he simply answered that he's living proof that they can.

Finally, the reporter asked him about being a role model to other homosexuals in helping them feel comfortable coming out, and he casually said that he would like to do that, but there was something special in his honesty. He didn't plan on answering that question, but at the same time, anything he can do to be a positive role model is important to him. Since none of this was planned, every answer is unscripted and casual, and that is what makes it so awesome.

There is no way something like this could have happened in the past. I wish that all gay athletes could feel comfortable enough to come out like this. Just, "Yep, I'm gay, I'm happy, and I hope everybody else feels comfortable doing what makes them happy too. Have a good night."

This is great news, and it really doesn't change anything for me in watching him. Bravo to Darren Young., and I hope you achieve your dream of, "MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS..."

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Suits Power Rankings - Shadow of a Doubt

When we last left Pearson Darby, Jessica was sticking it to Darby by screwing over Ava Hessington. Harvey was pissed about that, and Donna was number one, because she was getting hers and not giving a shit about anything else. This episode brought on a whole new set of problems, the question is whether they could come up with enough solutions to make everything work out in the end. Check out last week's rankings here, now onto the longest (and strongest) rankings we have ever had:

1. Jessica Pearson - She takes a shopping day, because Harvey lost them a ton of money. God, it must be awesome to be the boss. But she does come back that night, probably because her Wifi at home is a little spotty and ends up coming up with a solution to all of Harvey's problems. She then convinces Ava to take the deal by implying that they would go back on the deal they are making with Tony G and never actually sell him the shares of the company. It appears as though she has helped Harvey give her the boot, but then she then makes a real power move by changing the name of the company to Pearson Darby Specter. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have the authority to do that, because it would really be Darby's call, but it still may be enough for Harvey to remain on her side and not take over her job. She had a nice shopping day, won a case, and may have subverted plans for her ouster with her and Harvey back on the same side. Nice job, Jessica.

2. Tony Giannopoulos - Louis tries to get a hold of him, and he doesn't even bother being in the country. Harvey goes after him, and he gets a face to face with him. This man knows who deserves respect. Still, it's a pretty baller move to burn $50K to make a point. Money don't mean shit to this guy. If he sets $50K on fire, imagine what he wipes his ass with. Have you ever had a million dollars between your butt cheeks? I bet it's immaculate. He's selling off all of his Hessington Oil stock to stick it to them, and he bought a bunch of companies just so they could fire Pearson Darby as their lawyers. This man don't care. And it pays off as Ava agrees to sell him her shares of the company, so she can remain in control. He got what he wanted originally while getting to stick it to Pearson Darby a little for extra fun. BALLIN!

3. Harvey Specter - Let me make this clear. Usually, third would be an awful showing for Harvey, but he actually had a great week, which just shows you how strong the top two were this week. Harvey made fun of Cameron's mustache, because Cameron made fun of Mike Ross. Only Harvey can make fun of Mike, you son of a bitch. Harvey isn't even going to let things go to trial by suing Tony Giannopoulos. Then Huntley tries to go after Tony G's family, and Harvey fires him from the case, because America has dominated the British since the Revolutionary War, and there's no reason to stop now. He then goes to Jessica, because USA all the way and they put Cameron on the defensive by not allowing him to use the tape as evidence, so he pretty much has no case. Harvey also gets what he wants and Jessica makes him a name partner with Pearson Darby Specter.

4. Donna Paulsen - Donna's getting her freak on while getting her work done. Donna told Harvey about her getting her freak on, and Harvey didn't care, which she seemed a little disappointed about. She then got mad at Stephen for making things complicated, but she needs that good lovin' so she can get her glow back, so they may just extend their arrangement.

5. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis can tell when ladies are glowing; he just has no idea they had sex. Louis loses his power over associates and thinks he hates Nigel, but then he realizes that Nigel is still meant to be his best friend, because they both love cats and cats love Louis. Louis then gets to catsit for Nigel, and the cat is a real bastard, but Louis loves every second of it. Cat people are the worst, but he had that Donna glow after a night with Mikado.

6.Mikado - An asshole cat that everybody loves for some reason. If I were a cat, I'd be Mikado, although I only poop with my back to London, so I can imagine us shitting on the British yet again.

7. Mike Ross - Mike comes up with the strategy to get Cameron kicked off the case for sharing information with Ava's main competitor. Then poor Mike gets kicked off the case, but he takes his own case and gets his play thing to be his assistant. He makes buddies with Mr. Zane, because Mike's parents died and they both like potatoes. That's pretty much the extent to their connection. He uses his fight with Rachel to get Stanton's new wife to give them back the money. He then makes up with Rachel, because you can't fight the moonlight.

8. Rachel Zane - Rachel is back to last week's shenanigans and is all about getting gossip, since her and Mike are no longer the hottest couple at Pearson Darby. But she is going to try regain their spot as top hot couple by letting Mike be Harvey and her be Mike, which basically sounds like the worst roleplay game ever. She also doesn't want Mike to meet her family, because he's a liar, although it may be because he's white, and her father probably wants her to be with an ethnic man. But since she loves him, she will allow him to meet her parents. That, of course, blew up in her face, because Mike finds out that she is thinking about going to Stanford, which could ruin their relationship. Still, they love each other, and as her mother tells her, love conquers all, outside of murder.

9. Stephen Huntley - He gets Mike kicked off the Ava Hessington case by betting $10K that he has better ideas than Harvey. He wins it, because he realizes that in England, the burden of proof is on the defendant instead of on the prosecution, which makes it way easier for them to win the case. But is that really a better idea? It's basically the same idea, slightly tweaked. That's like an editor correcting the spelling of a word in a book and claiming they wrote it. He then goes after Tony G's daughter, because...um, I'm not even sure if he knows why.

10. Nigel Alexander Nesbitt - Ruining the associates to mess with Louis. He then invades Louis's private club so he can take a mud bath. Nigel is shocked at how smooth of a ladies man Louis is with cats. He needs to recognize that just because someone strikes out with ladies doesn't mean they can't charm the pants off of felines. He is quite bummed that he has to leave Mikado behind as he goes to Hong Kong. Still, his cat is in good care with Louis.

11. Mrs. Zane - Robert seems like the tough one, but Mrs. Zane can put him in his place. She also lets Rachel know that love conquers all.

12. Ava Hessington - Ava is pissed, because she lost her company, and now her stock is going down, because Tony G has more money than he knows what to do with. She is going to sell her stocks to Tony G in order to remain in charge of her company and to protect her from those pesky murder charges that keep popping up.

13. Miss Clark Mrs. Stanton - She's sleeping with Graham, so she doesn't think that he could have stolen from the company. She then leverages this whole ordeal into a marriage, but she loses him $30 million, so whoopsies there.

14. Simon - Learned a valuable lesson, because at Pearson Darby, they don't shall. They must, because they thrust; they don't parry.

15. Cameron Dennis - Cameron hates to drive down bullshit highway. But he will cruise down Sharing Incriminating Tapes With Corporate Pirates Cul-de-sac. Unfortunately, he may have to take a stroll down One in a Million Lane to win this case. Still, I bet he picks up a lot of ladies by inviting them to Mustache Ride Court. It's a court, because once you go down that road, there are no outlets, baby.

16. Robert Zane - All this man wants is potatoes and a smoothie that tastes good. Is that so much to ask? He also assumes that if someone says their parents are dead, they must be just messing with him, because in Robbie Z's world, parents never die. He also spilled the beans on Rachel applying to Stanford, because this guy just can't stop putting his foot in his mouth. No wonder Rachel was worried about him talking to Mike.

17. Graham Stanton - Stole $30 million and only bagged a secretary out of the deal. Then he was forced into marriage, meaning he did all that work to steal $30 million, but is only going to get $15 million, probably less, because, as they say, "Women be shoppin." In the end, he loses all $30 million, because "Women be scared of five years in prison," know what I'm sayin? Sorry, Graham. You made a power move by marrying Miss Clark to keep your money, but then you lost the money anyway, and you're stuck in a marriage that was built around keeping $30 million that you lost. Congratulations, your week was somehow worse than the guy who made fun of a guy's dead parents.

Monday, August 12, 2013

A Comprehensive Breakdown of All Saints's "Never Ever"

For some reason, All Saints is one of my favorite all-lady bands. I never listen to The Spice Girls (something I will be remedying soon), but I can always jam out to All Saints. I only know one of their songs, but that's all I need to know, because this song is amazing. "Never Ever" is the saddest song ever for women. It sounds as if it were written by the PUA Community on how women are totally heartbroken when they break up with them to pick up a different HB10 (If you don't know what PUA or HB10 means, consider yourself lucky). If it was written by a woman, this woman had the lowest self-esteem of all time. Let's break it down.

A few questions that I need to know
how you could ever hurt me so

This is a very reasonable beginning to a song. She is sad, because she was hurt by her significant other.

I need to know what I've done wrong
and how long it's been going on

Oh, girl, don't go there. Don't do that to yourself. It's not worth it. I'm sure things just didn't work out. Sometimes, two people simply aren't meant to be together. Moving on is the best thing you can do.

Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
but I'll know never to make the same mistake again

This is the opposite of moving on. This is basically the saddest thing a girl could ever do after someone broke up with her. Please, girl, just let it go.

You can tell me to my face or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter, either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way, I'm going out of my mind
all the answers to my questions
I have to find

These are questions best left unanswered. Girl, just go. You are a precious butterfly, and you have been caught in a net of despair. Who is casting the net? You are. You are casting a net and trapping the butterfly version of yourself in this net of despair. I'm not sure where this metaphor is going, but seriously, stop being so desperate.

My head's spinning
Boy, I'm in a daze
I feel isolated
Don't wanna communicate

I'll take a shower, I will scour
I will rub

I did not think this song could become more desperate, but saying that you are going to rub yourself in the shower while thinking about an ex is basically the ace in the hole for the ladies. It's so desperate that I have to give props on it. That type of boldness will always be appreciated around these parts.

To find peace of mind
The happy mind I once owned, yeah

Flexing vocabulary runs right through me
The alphabet runs right from A to Zed

I have no clue what this means. I guess some ladies start speaking in tongues when guys break up with them.

Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find

I'm not crazy
I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong, no
I'm just waiting
'Cause I heard that this feeling
won't last that long

This is actually the healthiest thing in this song. She's recognizing that it wasn't her fault, she's hurt, but she knows that she can move on eventually. Good for you, girl.

Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole?
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've Never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I'm feeling, yeah, I just don't feel right

Ugh, we were so close to a major breakthrough, but you are back to square one. Desperation never gets a guy back. Give it up, lady.

The second verse is just more of the same, with these ladies ending this song by pleading that their ex-boyfriend, who dumped them and left them for good, could write why they will be a lonely, miserable, cat lady in a letter. Hoo boy, you can cut this desperation with a knife. Thanks, All Saints, for writing the anthem for girls with low self-esteem. 

Thursday, August 8, 2013

I Hate Wine

I hate wine so much. It is the worst. I think back to the legendary Jesus tale where he turned a barrel of water into wine, and when I was a child, I used to think it was awesome, but now I hate that story. I would have been so pissed had I just wanted a glass of water and instead I got some Pinot Grigio instead. Even if Jesus had done this after he died for our sins, I still would have taken a sip, and said, "Thanks for nothing, Jesus." He would have been so hurt at my emphasis on nothing, and I probably would have felt bad about it later, but seriously, some people just want a glass of water so we don't get hungover the next day, and it's a real dick move to deprive me of that opportunity.

Um, I did not know that I was going to go in that direction. Let's try to get back on track.

I am getting married, and everyone on both sides of the family seems to think wine is awesome. I disagree, as I don't like the taste, and really, don't even like the idea of wine. But they go to wineries and live it up. And you know what? Good for them. I am happy that they are enjoying life, as I don't ever want to deprive people of a good time. But you know what is not sold at wineries? Natural Light. And I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon to come waltzing into a winery with a 30 pack of Natties on your shoulder. Sorry I like to party.

Wine also takes up a lot of valuable real estate. These wine drinkers open up a bottle and have a glass. They then put a cork in the wine and put it in the fridge. The next night (or even worse, that same night), they grab a different bottle and have a glass of that, put a cork in that and put it in the fridge. Pretty soon, we have three bottles of wine taking up valuable real estate in the fridge. It's not like I drink half a Natty Light and then have a Brooklyn Winter Ale (practically the same beers) before corking them and putting them in the fridge for later use. Because of all this wine, my milk no longer has its special area inside the door. I understand that it is illogical for me to be mad that I have to put my milk in a different spot in the fridge, but this is the type of stuff that really grinds my gears.

So if you love wine, good for you, you should keep drinking it, because it makes you happy. But if you could do me a favor and just finish one bottle before starting another, it would probably lead to world peace. If you have two bottles open at once, don't come complaining to me when another war starts; that one's on you.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Suits Power Rankings - Conflict of Interest

Hoo, doggy, this was one crazy episode of Suits. Shit got real in so many ways. There was betrayal, double crossing, and sex. With all this going on, it was the toughest week to come up with a number one on these rankings. Anyway, I can't wait any longer to get into things, so for last week, click here, but now onto this week's rankings:

1. Donna Paulsen - Donna bought a new dress to impress Huntley. She unjammed a copier by bumping her ass against it. She's basically The Fonz. Donna skips Daniel Day-Lewis in a kilt to get her freak on with Huntley. She also gets to use double entendre and hidden meanings with Huntley, which, for her, is like receiving cunnilingus. So good for you, Donna. Sure, you got yelled at by Harvey, but that will only push you to do what's best for you instead of worrying about his interests. A Donna out for herself is number one Donna in my book.

2. Harvey Specter - Harvey runs. Ladies have a double take when Harvey runs by. He takes Louis down a peg by doing whatever he wants when it comes to Hessington Oil. Then he goes Big Dog by taking Jessica down a peg by letting her know that Darb-Diggity has his back in this case. He of course makes every correct decision along the way, but Jessica and Louis go behind his back and mess everything up. The merger case isn't really his, but Harvey surprisingly did not get what he wanted, which is very rare.

3. The Assistant - Straight up owns Louis by letting him know that they were way ahead of him on his plan, because apparently Wharton is better than Harvard. After owning Louis, you know this guy was about to treat himself to some hookers with rockin' chest beefers that would make even Karl Welzein jealous. That's a power move.

4. Stephen Huntley - Huntley does a classic move by hitting on Rachel to make Donna want him more. This man has clearly read The Game and prescribes to the Mystery Method. He then signs up Donna to be his sex assistant. She propositions him for sex, and he proves that he is nowhere near the level of Harvey. He called a taxi. A taxi? Harvey would have had his driver already waiting, because he would have known he was about to be propositioned for sex. Also, he wasted a lot of money on those tickets by not going to the show. I wouldn't waste a $6 matinee movie ticket for sex. Tell the lady to cool her jets for a while, and you can get down to business later. Sex can wait, my third viewing of Fast Six cannot.

5. Mike Ross - Mike uses his crappy British accent to trick a reporter into missing his exclusive interview with Ava. Something I have noticed is Mike Ross is the worst lawyer ever if he is by himself. Literally, every great idea that he has ever had while lawyering has been due to the fact that he was talking to someone else. They talk about something completely random and the idea pops in his head. This man should not be working alone, as he is really just wasting everyone's time as he memorizes documents. He also tells Rachel that he loves her, but that's just what losers do to make themselves feel better.

6. Edward Darby - Hangin' in Toronto, and putting Jessica in her place. She said she was concerned about money with Hessington Oil, but he points out that she wasted company money by flying to Toronto when she could have just called. That's a good burn, Darby. Still, Jessica left him with his dick in his hand after she screws over Ava Hessington for the good of the firm.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis power walks. Ladies ignore Louis. He tries to do things behind Harvey's back, but Harvey has set up Harvey only lanes throughout New York City, so he can stop anything. He then tries to get Jessica to go behind Harvey's back, but she refuses. Louis "Litt Up" Harvey by taking full control of the takeover case. Louis got the board to agree to boot Ava, but then he has a change of heart when he finds out that Ava is innocent. Still, Jessica tells him not to stop what he has already done, so he lets it happen like a total pud.

8. Jessica Pearson - Jessica tries to assert her control over Harvey but instead gets completely owned by him when she realizes that Darby is the man who is in charge of the law firm. On top of that, Louis calls her out for no longer being in charge. Wait, wait, wait, on top of THAT, Darby then puts her in her place about her not being in charge. She then decides that it is time for her to stop playing by the rules, and she lets Louis do what he must to keep Hessington Oil as a client. Jessica no longer cares about innocence, she just wants to do everything she can to keep the billables for Hessington Oil. She triumphantly walks away from Darby when he confronts her on things, but she got shit on throughout this entire episode until the end, so it is tough to put her too high in the rankings.

9. Katrina Bennett - If she was less attractive, Louis would be in love with her. Unfortunately, she's traditionally pretty. She gave Mike credit for their idea to make a truce with him, and it seems like those two are finally getting along. She still got put in her position by making a deal with Harvey and making a funny video of Mike, and it's going to take me a while to forgive her for the latter.

10. Rachel Zane - She just gossips throughout this episode and offers nothing else. At least she's pretty.

11. Ava Hessington - She wants to talk, but Harvey convinces her not to by pointing out that she is going to look more guilty than a dog with icing on its face in a missing cupcake case. Ava finally convinces Harvey and Mike that she didn't commit those murders. Unfortunately, Louis got the board to betray her, and she lost control of her company. She's innocent of the murders and still lost her company, so, yeah, it's not a great week to be Ava Hessington.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

I'll Poop Anywhere

I poop. I am very open about this, and it sometimes shocks people. If I am at my house with company over, and I am feeling the urge, I will still grab my computer, so everybody KNOWS what I am doing in the bathroom. I simply don't give a shit when it comes to pooping (Hey-o!).

But this extends far beyond the comfort of my own home. When I had a job (unemployed but still getting paid, like a boss), I used to love pooping during work. I was getting paid to sit there and take a dump; it was a wonderful thing, and it's not like my boss could tell me not to poop. Also, if they would have told me to speed it up in there, I would have made sure it was far more awkward for them than it was for me.

What got me thinking about this is that I have done a lot of traveling lately, and I have pooped in places that most people would find disgusting. Since I have been traveling, I have also been drinking, because what's the point of going places if you don't get drunk enough to not remember things? During drinking, I am fine, but that next day can lead to some interesting things going on near my butthole.

In Seattle, I actually drank responsibly but went for a run the next day. Runs get my bowels moving, and although I went for my standard pre-run poop, I still felt some rumbling when I was near home, so I found a park bathroom and took care of business in there. I did feel kind of bad when the guy came in and started cleaning the bathroom while I was stinking up the place, but he's gotta know that people need to get their shit on at 7:30 AM.

The next weekend I was in San Francisco. I drank heavily on Friday night, but I did the responsible thing and went for a run the next morning. I felt a rumbling in my gut again, so I again went to some public bathroom by the Golden Gate Bridge. I was quite alarmed when I went in there as I saw about 50 pubes on the toilet seat. I went to wipe them off, but then just realized that somebody carved their name into the toilet seat, so the pube crisis was avoided. I finished up my business and had a very pleasant run back.

Finally, this weekend, I was driving back from Minneapolis when we stopped at an Arby's to get some lunch. I didn't have to poop bad, but I knew I was going to be dropping some serious farts if I didn't take care of business. I wiped the toilet seat, so I didn't sit in urine and took care of everything.

Some people find these situations to be disgusting, but I am living the dream. I'll poop anywhere, and you should too. Join me in not worrying about where you leave your excrement. Let loose once in a while; you won't regret it, because I don't give a shit, I leave them...all over this great country's toilets.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Riley Cooper And Learning From Mistakes

What Riley Cooper did was incredibly stupid and insensitive. It was a horrible thing to say, and there is really no way around it. But as long as he learns from this, it is not an unforgivable offense.

Riley Cooper said something stupid while intoxicated. Inebriation isn't an excuse, but I have been really drunk many times (looking back, a stupid amount of times), and I have done some incredibly stupid shit when intoxicated. Things I am absolutely ashamed of. Things that make me ill just thinking about them. I have woke up the next morning, remembered what I did (or had a friend tell me what I did) and was shocked at what a terrible person I acted like. I have been incredibly stupid when drunk, but luckily, I have learned from my mistakes. I have made every type of mistake, but I don't make the same one twice, so at least I have that going for me. I look back and thank god that camera phones were not around during my stupid days. If they were, I would have to relive these moments with people around and everyone would know what a piece of shit I was. I was a piece of shit, but luckily I eventually grew up and turned into a human being. 

Riley Cooper is 25 years old. I was still growing up when I was 25 years old. Riley Cooper also has to deal with the fact that he is an incredibly gifted football player. Because of that, people have bent over backwards to appease him, probably starting at a very young age. It is very tough to grow up when nobody forces you to grow up. As long as he excelled in football, he could basically do and say just about anything with no repercussions. 

That is what got us to this point. Now obviously being a football player does not totally excuse his actions, because there are many people who have grown up with similar experiences and have never said what Cooper said, but that doesn't mean this is an unforgivable offense. 

He said something stupid. He said it. He didn't act on his words, because it was nothing but talk. It was stupid talk, but it was just talk. Unfortunately, we live in a society where Cooper's black teammates have heard that word used in a derogatory way hundreds, if not thousands of times. That doesn't make it okay, but as bad as it is, we have come an incredibly long way in 20 years. 

This is where censorship is a good thing. It's not government mandated; it's people mandated. People get shamed for saying stupid shit, and less stupid shit gets said. Riley Cooper said something stupid, and he is currently paying the price. The chances of Riley Cooper saying something like that again are likely zero percent. This is a man who has to feel like shit every waking hour of his days currently. 

Young people, especially when drunk, say and do stupid shit. The media assault alone is probably enough punishment for him to never say the same thing again. But I'm guessing that facing his teammates made him feel even more like a piece of shit. What he did was terrible, but as long as he recognizes that, I do hope he gets a second chance. And if he doesn't learn from his mistake, then he's a racist asshole who probably doesn't a team's or the public's forgiveness. Here's to hoping that Riley Cooper is the former, as opposed to the latter.