Tuesday, December 30, 2014

54 Reasons I'm Unemployed

Over the last year, I have been turned down for a lot of different jobs. Since I was getting unemployment for a while, I had to keep track of my progress, and I have continued to keep track, because...I don't know, I guess I like really depressing spreadsheets. But as they say, comedy equals misery plus time, and my misery should be able to provide a few chuckles for all of you as I have written reasons why I have been denied employment. None of these reasons were explicitly stated, but I read between the lines and provided my suspicions as to why I was not hired. Oh, and if you're wondering why I used an image of Right Said Fred at the top of this post, it's that like a quarter of the reasons I'm unemployed is a variation of me being too sexy.

Without further adieu, here are 54 reasons I'm unemployed.

1. Partner Development Manager 
They said they may have found better candidates for their open position, but that doesn't sound like they are even sure about their decision.

2. Development Consultant 
They said my math isn't good enough for the position. I would destroy them on multiplication tables.

3. Sr. Manager, Community Events 
They must hate my confidence, because they can never possess it and its magical powers.

4. Specialist, Community Events 
Their letter is always very nice, which helps my gentle heart take the horrific pain of rejection.

5. Disaster Program Manager 
They did not want me for the job, because I was already causing disasters in girls' panties across the nation.

6. Assistant Director of College Admissions 
I must have made it until the very end, not because I had an interview, but that it took them three months to finally deny me. So close.

7. Marketing Coordinator 
I forgot I even applied for this position, so it's not too big of a deal that I got turned down.
8. Assistant Director of Alumni and Parent Relations 
They didn't want to bring the sexy; they knew they couldn't handle the sexy.

9. Marketing Team Leader 
They probably think that having me around will make all of their customers self-conscious about their failure to reach physical perfection. 
10. Senior Specialist, Student Success 
They're a bunch of boners over there.

11. Student Services Administrator 
Apparently, I need a security clearance. No, my biceps do not count as a viable security clearance.

12. Marketing Strategist 
Only took them five hours, very impressive turnaround.

13. Marketing Strategist 
They are unable to offer me a position, must have eaten some bad chicken.

14. Sr. Marketing Manager, Community Relations 
They were scared of my aura; my good vibes gave them the heeby jeebies.

15. Donor Relations Coordinator 
They filled the position with some incompetent butthole who couldn't light my farts on fire.

16. Administrative Assistant and Outdoor Events Application Coordinator 
They did not think I was worthy of being a final contestant on their game show of who should get this job.

17. Venues Event Manager Senior 
I was given serious consideration, maybe had they been more laid back, I could have gotten the consideration necessary to get an interview.

18. Supervisor of Events 
They didn't give me this job, but they encourage me to apply for other opportunities. I assume this job was just below my skill level, and they want me to be a VP of Awesome.

19. Director of Student Athlete Development 
They sent me an email to let me know that they filled the position. They didn't tell me who got the job, so maybe it was me?

20. College Director, Student Support Services 
They said I didn't meet the minimum qualifications. Well, they need to get their eyes checked, because I have all of the qualifications I need, baby girl.

21. Campus Administrator 
They filled the position with somebody else, probably by accident, but now they're too embarrassed to let that person know, so they're just going to keep them around.

22. Financial Advisor 
Maybe they were right in asserting that someone with no money probably shouldn't be a financial advisor.

23. Assistant Director, Outdoor Recreation - Campus Recreation 
They knew nobody would focus on the outdoor activities if the ladies and non-traditional males saw me with my shirt off.

24. Marketing Coordinator 
That's cool; I was too badass for that position anyway.

25. Football Video Coordinator 
I love that they not only deny me in the email, but let me know who got the position. Congratulations, Phil C, you deserved it.

26. Assistant Director, Facilities and Operations 
I can't believe I didn't get a facilities job as they were no doubt dreaming of my pipe.

27. Game Operations Manager/Assistant Facility Director 
They filled the position with some stupid jabroni.

28. Student Affairs CRD2 
Gainesville is a shithole of a town anyway. Seriously, don't go to Gainesville unless you plan on tearing it up at the country bar.

29. Manager of Athletic Communication 
They decided to not bring me in for an interview since they were concerned that they would be overwhelmed with my charm.

30. Assistant Director, Student Affairs 
They treated me like a band-aid, and ripped me off from the position I was trying to protect from other, harmful candidates.

31. Manager, Community and Employee Engagement 
They probably thought I was out of their price range. I wasn't though.

32. Enrollment Development Coordinator 
They did not select me for an interview. Apparently, I am the weakest link. Goodbye.

33. Senior Events Manager 
They claim to have gone through careful consideration, but clearly, they were not careful enough as I slipped through the cracks.

34. Assistant Director of Recreation and Operations 
They seemed pretty bummed out by not meeting me in person. That seems about right; I'm an incredibly impressive individual.

35. Events Coordinator 
I don't know what they were thinking. It seems like they weren't thinking. And that's the problem. Hence, no employment for me.

36. Coordinator Special Events 
I think I'm too much of a free spirit for their corporate ways.

37. Communication Specialist
They ripped that band-aid off quick, only 24 hours, and I applied on a weekend.

38. Marketing Manager 
They rejected me harder than Dikembe Mutombo would an underhanded layup.

39. Recreation Center Director 
They didn't choose me for an interview, so I'm guessing they are going to offer me the job without an interview. That's cool. I hope it's a good offer.

40. Community Director, Special Events Fundraiser 
They didn't think I had the chops to make it happen. Well, that's pretty crappy foresight on their part.

41. Community Relations Coordinator 
I moved away, so they never had a shot at me anyway. You can't dump me, because I have already dumped you.

42. Membership and Program Marketing Manager 
Their email was classy; it's a shame their organization will never be as long as they don't lock me down.

43. Marketing Analyst 
I was too thug life for their hippy ways.

44. Marketing Manager (SFA) 
They sent me 8 rejection letters all at once. Seems a tad excessive.

45. Events Coordinator 
They decided they don't want to get the best candidate, because it would intimidate everyone around campus. Totally understandable.

46. Assistant Director of Marketing and Administrative Services 
They are clearly scared of falling in love, as they refuse to listen to their heart.

47. Assistant Director of Student Affairs 
I'm too sexy for that school.

48. Director of Online Education 
Apparently they don't recognize Hulkamania as a real religion.

49. Field Event Manager 
At least they regretted informing me. I know it hurt them nearly as much as me.

50. Marketing Communications Specialist 
I didn't even know what this company does, so it's probably a child sex slave operation. I'm glad they turned me down.

51. Student Support Counselor 
They thanked me for applying; I think they realized what a terrible mistake they made and are hoping they can get me for Campus President.

52. Career Outreach Specialist 
I'm watching an NXT Battle Royal so I'm immune from the pain of rejection. 

53. Marketing Position 
They like to advertise for positions that aren't actually available. These hydraulics people are crafty sons of bitches.

54. College Advisor, Career Development II 
Since I cannot maintain a job, I might not be a great go-to person for career advice.

So, yeah, that's why I'm unemployed.

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