Monday, April 28, 2014

Lee Marshall: The Nicest Guy In Pro Wrestling

During my childhood, I met a few wrestlers over the years, and every time, I got punked out. When I met Diamond Dallas Page and Kimberly, DDP withheld my autograph to ask me, "What's the magic word?" Since I had just waited in a line for two hours, I mumbled a bunch of words until he notified me that the magic words were thank you. Thanks for the pop quiz, asshole.

Before that, it was Jake "The Snake" Roberts. About three people in front of me, he asked a kid his name so he could make out an autograph to him. When I got up there, I proudly stated my name, "Joey" (I had not matured into the man that has become Hott Joe at that point), and I will paraphrase here, but he responded with something like, "Well, Joey, we're doing a little something called speed signing, so if you want your name on it, you can sign it yourself." Needless to say, I sometimes wish that DDP Yoga had the reverse effect on people's lives.

This brings me to Lee Marshall. Lee Marshall is an obscure reference, even for avid wrestling fans. He was most famous for being the king of Nitro parties, which were a thing back in the 90s. But one year, the Great American Bash came near my hometown, and I got seats near the announcing table. Lee Marshall was walking by, and I yelled, "Lee Marshall, you're the man" (I know, you're impressed with how creative I was to come up with that one on the fly), and instead of being a dick like DDP and Jake, he responded, "No, no, no, you're the man." That's all I needed to become a lifelong fan of Lee Marshall. To honor him, I will hold a Raw party every Monday that will include, me, my dog, and occasional drop-ins from my wife. It's going to be off the chain.

But seriously, Lee Marshall, you're the man.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Suits Power Rankings - No Way Out

This is a TV show; people forget that.

And here we are, at the final episode of the season. It is amazing how little has happened. Harvey can't find a woman despite having an angel in his presence. Louis's only love is the law. Mike is still a lawyer. Rachel is still not a lawyer (thank God). Donna lives vicariously through others. Jessica straddles the bar of competence every episode. And Harold gonna Harold, ya'll. For a full recap of last week, you can check that out here, but now it's time to look at the season finale, where I pray to God something happens (Spoiler Alert: It does).

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is worried about everyone having a bad ticker since his heart attack. Still, he is able to ignore that fear long enough to help Harold as even though he is Harold's worst nightmare, he is also Harold's best lawyer. He may have been the strongest lawyer of the entire season, so bravo to him for stepping his game up.

2. Rachel Zane - Rachel has one thing on her mind throughout this entire episode, a Maserati. She made dinner for Mike, because he was about to get that big Wall Street check, but then he's just a lousy lawyer, making six figures, so she is pissed. She is jealous of Mike and Harvey's relationship, and she probably has every right to be. But in the end, she gets what she wants when Mike takes the new job. Vroom vroom, girl.

3. Harold Gunderson - Harold ain't no squealing bitch. He keeps his secrets like he keeps his swagger, on lock down. He lost his job, and that's bad, but I have a good feeling that things are about to open up for him. And yes, I will find any reason to rank Harold high. True players respect the game.

4. Jonathan Sidwell - He gets Mike to work for him, which just proves that he always gets his man (although I'm still disappointed he didn't get Brock Lesnar). Now he's got his eyes set on a true NYC Ass Kicker. That's right; Harold is coming. Get ready, bitches. He's about to turn the investment game on its head. Harold gonna Harold, ya'll.

5. Mike Ross - Mike gets into cars with strangers, which, shocker, does not turn out well for him. Shouldn't a lawyer know his rights? Also, he is in a relationship with somebody who keeps finding reasons to be mad at him, but Donna is his girlfriend's buddy, so she never brings that to Mike's attention. Anyway, Mike chooses Rachel over Harvey by taking the investment banking job, so that keeps him ahead of Harvey who chose Mike over Scotty.

6. Dana Scott - Scotty's always down for a good time, but Harvey oversells and underdelivers as he again does not take her out on the great date that she deserves. Selfishly, she would actually like to know whether her firm is breaking laws. She would also like her manpiece to communicate with her. These are her crimes. I already miss you, Scotty. Can't wait for your spinoff show with Andi from The Bachelor.

7. Harvey Specter - Harvey is sad about his relationship with Scotty, but he's still willing to throw it all away, because his relationship with Mike is way stronger. By the way, I'm scared to look, but there must be some pretty intense fan fiction where Mike and Harvey just bang each other all day long. Obviously Mike is the bottom of the relationship, but is he a power bottom? It's an interesting question, and I hope to avoid the answer. Harvey also ignored his lawyer smarts and decided to talk about all the ways that him and Mike broke the law while in a room under surveilance, which, uh, seems a tad irresponsible. But he broke the camera after talking about half of it, so good thing there was nobody on the other side of that two-way mirror. Finally, Harvey breaks up with Scotty and then gives Mike permission to go work for Sidwell, losing his true love interest.

8. Stephanie Liston - A rat who gives Donna information from the US Attorney's office. She doesn't even realize that she is Donna's token black friend. Still, let's try to break down the favor that she owed Donna for. She is black and her last name is Liston, so clearly, she is the daughter (possibly granddaughter) of Sonny Liston. Liston famously lost twice to Muhammad Ali. Since Ali's boxing career ended in 1981, it seems unlikely that she fixed the Trevor Berbick fight, but then Laila Ali got into boxing. She finished undefeated...in the boxing ring. But years later, she got into Dancing with the Stars and only took third place. Does Donna have the pull to fix Dancing with the Stars? If so, it's probably not that big of a deal that Steph gave her private information. But it was still stupid to have Donna fix the contest; nobody was beating Apolo Anton Ohno.

9. Eric Woodall - He is bald and ugly, so he has nothing but time to try to bring down Harvey using nefarious means. Trying to use the Patriot Act against Mike Ross but having no idea that Louis learned the Patriot Lock from Jack Swagger. He had no choice but to tap out.

10. Jessica Pearson - Her firm was nearly destroyed, and she responded by stepping up and...doing nothing. I guess she had looks of concern at different times, but I need her to step up and haul ass on fools. She is not an ass kicker, and that is why she is stuck in the minor leagues of big time law.

11. Donna Paulsen - Donna knows everything, and she is definitely going to hold that over your head for the rest of your life, but she's like totally a great friend. Still she helped Harvey and more importantly savd Quelling, which was the right thing to do, because incompetent lawyers should be able to practice law (And if in you're head, you are accusing me of just hating Donna for leading to Scotty's demise, you are probably 93% correct. I'm fine with it).

12. James Quelling - Nearly came to blows with Harvey, but anybody who goes toe-to-toe with Harvey and doesn't get dropped deserves to keep practicing law. Little known lawyer fact, half of cases are actually decided by shoving matches.

13. Allison Holt - Fired Harold Gunderson? This is indisputable evidence that gingers have no soul.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Suits Power Rankings - Know When to Fold 'Em

What happened last week? Well, I used an analogy where UConn won the National Title, and then it came true. Meanwhile Louis had a heart attack and lost his girlfriend while Harvey kept busy by rising to the top of the rankings. The hottest relationship on the show could be on the rocks. No, not Scotty and Harvey and definitely not Mike and Rachel, but Mike and Harvey as the protege may be joining the dirtbag world of investment banking. It's time to look at this past episode.

1. Jonathan Sidwell - He doesn't want someone who is in it for the money, he wants a certified ass kicker. Mike turned him down for the job, but he has a list of a dozen candidates that are certified ass kickers. On the top of his list? That's right; Brock Lesnar. That is why he is the clear number one this week.

2. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis has a broken heart, but he manages to find a solution to Jessica's problem in 15 seconds of looking at the papers, despite saying he would be worthless about 30 seconds before that. That's a flip flop but still some good lawyering. Plus, he managed to skip work for a few days with nobody noticing. Sadly, with all the incompetence that was spreading around the office, that is enough to get him the number two spot this week.

3. Dana Scott - Scotty is rightfully pissed that Harvey keeps a ton of secrets from her and won't give her any information. She has a backbone, which is apparently a poor quality in a female according to Donna (we'll get to her later, much later). If Harvey dumps Scotty, it will not be a loss for Scotty.

4. Harold Gunderson - He's coming.

5. Mike Ross - Mike is afraid of change, so he keeps trying to find people to tell him the answer. He even tries to get more money and better benefits from Sidwell, but Johnny Sizzle sees right through that plan. Finally, he makes the decision to become a hedge fund manager, until two hours later when he flips and becomes a lawyer. Also, he is now in the bar computer system, so all is well in the world, except he must still live in constant fear and he can never get credit for his work. But other than that, things are good.

6. Harvey Specter - Harvey is a big baby when it comes to his relationship, as he has more flip flops than a sorority. Then, he tells Mike to take the job despite him really wanting him to stay. He's basically a turd throughout the whole episode. You could say that his shining moment was beating Quelling in poker, but he he actually gave Quelling more ammunition to come after Mike and Harold. Luckily, he gets bailed out by Mike and his little buddy decides to stay a lawyer.

7. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is not a very competent executive. She gave a job to Katrina to get to Louis and got information back from Katrina but believed it was Louis and never tried to talk it out with him. She was made to look like an idiot from shoddy lawyering from Katrina, but then Louis fixed everything in 15 minutes, so now she doesn't have to pay Charles Van Dyke anything. I guess things worked out, but she did not show a high level of competence in this situation.

8. Charles Van Dyke - Charles used to be a partner, but now he wants to get paid more. He outlawyered Super Louis but couldn't handle Regular Louis. He's an old dog in a young pup's game. It's time to put him out to pasture.

9. James Quelling - Quelling showed flashes of being a good lawyer, but he couldn't get the job done. He is in heavy debt and looking to cash in with some good old-fashioned blackmail. He gets punked out in poker, but he manages to spend one night to discover something that nobody else could figure out to try to screw over Mike Ross. Then he loses again, because gamblers always lose or something, unless they are Harvey, in which case they always win. I'm not sure if I learned a lesson on this one.

10. Katrina Bennett - She has to cover for Louis. She has to beg Rachel for help, and they team up with a super Louis. They obviously screwed the pooch by not looking deep enough into the books. Then she got her ass fired. Of course she was rehired a few hours later for her stupid loyalty.

11. Rachel Zane - She is trying to fill Mike's head with lies about Harvey so she can get that investment banking money. She also tried to play the role of lawyer again and failed miserably. I think Harvard made a very good decision by not admitting her.

12. Donna Paulsen - Donna was THE WORST in this episode. She gives an impassioned speech to make Mike reconsider taking the job to protect Harvey and basically stop Mike from having a better life. Then she gives an impassioned speech to Harvey about not telling Scotty about Mike where she somehow makes Harvey the victim in his and Scotty's relationship. She's basically an insane person who is still in love with Harvey. She pulled off some Mean Girls shit this episode, and when you mess with Scotty, you mess with me, and the only way I can extract revenge on fictional characters is by putting them low in my weekly rankings. So take that, Donna, you're in last place.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The Impact of The Ultimate Warrior

I woke up this morning to seven text messages, a missed call, and a Facebook message, all communicating the same message: The Ultimate Warrior died last night. Honestly, it is kind of a surreal moment. Wrestlers are this weird mix of actors and professional athletes, and despite wrestling being fake, they seem more real than either counterpart. When Tom Hanks dies, he'll be remembered for iconic roles like Forrest Gump. When Derek Jeter dies, he'll be remembered for playing the game "the right way." We will remember the things they did, but not the people that they are.

Wrestlers feel different. Wrestlers are different. Steve Austin has said that the best characters are just are guys' personalities turned up to 11, and that's what makes wrestling feel so real. It's not like being a fan of an athlete or actor, it's being a fan of a person.This is incredibly lame, but I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had where I have remarked that I think I could be friends with such and such pro wrestler, because he seems like a good dude. Writing that sentence makes me feel like an idiot, but it's honest, and honestly, I have never thought that about a professional athlete or actor.  Those people are fake; wrestlers are real.

The Ultimate Warrior was a hero to me growing up. Looking back, nothing he said made any sense, but all I cared about was that he had big muscles, face paint, and did everything with 100% intensity. He was basically a comic book hero who came to real life. For kids, it is damn near impossible to be any cooler than that.

And up until a couple years ago, The Ultimate Warrior had faded away. He was one of the few guys who stayed in the shadows despite the fame and fortune that he made through wrestling. But he finally decided to reemerge through a blog, Twitter, and most importantly, YouTube videos. I'm glad he did, because I found out that The Ultimate Warrior was not mild-mannered Jim Hellwig (or Warrior, due to a legal name change) in his time away from the ring. This guy was The Ultimate Warrior 24/7. Every time he came up with an Injection of Inspiration, my brother and I would immediately talk about it with each other, because it was always one of the most amazing things we had ever witnessed. I get an adrenaline rush every time I watch these videos, with these two being my favorites.

We got to see inside The Ultimate Warrior. It wasn't always good, but it was always real. I am happy that Warrior got one last chance to address his fans; after being gone for nearly 20 years, it was good that he and his fans had one last moment before he passed away. His words will live on and inspire me every day. With that being said, it's time to strap on my running shoes and go kick some ass.

Wrestling may be fake, but his impact on people's lives is very real. Thanks, Warriorman.

Monday, April 7, 2014

The 11 Best Things About WrestleMania 30

As I stated last week, I was not super excited for this WrestleMania. My favorite wrestler was on the preshow, my favorite group was facing three old guys, and I like but don't love Daniel Bryan. To say that this Mania exceeded my expectations would be a huge understatement. It was a great show from beginning to end. At worst, I liked things, and it only went up from there. Here are my eleven favorite things about WrestleMania 30.

11. Slam City Has a Price
It is clear that the old guys do not give one shit anymore. Play with toys? Sounds awesome. Hacksaw beats Sarge, but Sarge was totally correct in that it was a fast count from Danny Davis. Ricky Steamboat goes into full embarrassing Dad mode trying to be cool, and then The Million Dollar Man buys things, because that's what he does. This was totally stupid, and I was totally fine with it.

10. Piper and Mr. T Make Up
Roddy Piper seems to legitimately hate Mr. T for missing his punch at WrestleMania 2, as he finds ways to talk shit about him any chance he gets. The fact that they shook hands and finally buried the hatchet made me happy, and typing that sentence makes me realize that I am a 29-year-old child. Also, thank you to the contributions of Paul Orndorff's mustache.

9. Divas Title Match
Putting this as the lowest match may seem like I didn't care for the match, but for a Divas match that was designed to be a total clusterfuck, it was actually pretty good. They had some good high spots, nobody really messed anything up, and Natalya didn't win, so all is well in the world. Nice job, ladies.

8. Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena
There were some good spots in this match, but the ending kind of ruined it for me. It was good, but that ending where everything works out for Cena is a little too convenient for my tastes.

7. Tag Title Match
This match was good, but that goes without saying with Cesaro in the match. It was fairly predictable; they had some fun spots, and The Usos won which made sense. Afterwards, Cesaro swung Swagger and broke up the tag team which was fairly predictable but still satisfying. I was totally fine with Cesaro going out like that, but we'll come back to him.

6. Triple H vs. Daniel Bryan
Most people were way higher on this match than I was, and I could totally justify putting it a few spots higher, but I thought they were just a little off early on in the match where nobody was quite hitting things correctly. The second half of the match was really good, but already knowing the outcome made the match less exciting, because there was no way Triple H was going to beat Daniel Bryan.

5. Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar
Speaking of predictable endings...wait, what? If wrestling shocks you twice a year, it's a good year. They definitely got one out of the way, as a million people's jaws dropped when Lesnar got the three count. I really like Lesnar matches as he's so strong that it's easy to believe his offense and he still does a good job of looking vulnerable. I couldn't believe he won the match, because I, like everyone else in the world, thought they would end Taker's streak to put over some guy that could be the future of the company. Looking back, that never really made sense. The only people that get matches with Taker are already one of the biggest stars in the company. If Daniel Bryan beats Taker, does that really elevate Daniel Bryan? No, it doesn't even help him as much as winning the title, so I think the passing of the torch angle got overblown, and the WWE legitimately shocked the world. Good for them, and great on the WWE camera guys for finding a bunch of people with hilarious shocked faces.

4. Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton vs. Batista
The match itself was not fantastic, but the crowd reaction to Daniel Bryan winning the title made it a special moment. Also, I still feel bad for Randy Orton's back, because I am still cringing while thinking about him landing on that television. But the powerbomb into an RKO was an awesome spot, but seriously, clear out what is under the table guys.

3. Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Cesaro. Guys, CESARO. CESARO! I got really excited when I saw him in the Battle Royal, but I always have to remind myself that although I believe in Cesaro to do anything in the wrestling ring, it is not always logical. So I tried to temper my expectations while knowing he would at least be one of the last five guys left. When it got down to four guys, I still was sticking with my pick of Sheamus, but then when him and Del Rio went over, my hope got way too high. My hopes rose and fall as things went back and forth, but then Cesaro picked him up, and the entire crowd shot to their feet in the background as he put him over the top rope. Everybody freaked out. Everybody is now part of a worldwide Cesaro Section, and moments like that are why I watch pro wrestling as an adult, because I cheer for Cesaro like I am a 12-year-old.

2. Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold, and The Rock
Speaking of cheering like a prepubescent boy, this just made me happy. I enjoyed everything. Sure, Hogan is senile and calling the Superdome the Silverdome, and yes I found it hilarious to hear Stone Cold and The Rock make fun of him for that. But nostalgia like this will always work for me. If you put Flair out there, that might be wrestling's Mount Rushmore (arguments can be made for Andre or Vince), and that is special. Then they drank beers together and Hulk tried to sip his beer as he is old school and does not want to waste any beer. Meanwhile, Stone Cold drinks a six pack and has about nine ounces of beer. The Rock has even less, because he can't be putting those carbs in his body. There wasn't a match on the main card for the first half hour, and I didn't care one bit, because the Little Boy Joe loves these moments.

1. The Shield vs. The Old Guys
Best match on the card, BY FAR. I couldn't have imagined a better match. It was perfect. Will this be a Match of the Year? No, but that doesn't mean it wasn't perfect. From interrupting the New Age Outlaws during their stupid spiel, to coming out in scary masks, to wearing their slutty SWAT outfits, to not letting the old guys have any offense, to taking turns annihilating guys, to the triple-double powerbomb, to Reigns and Ambrose celebrating on the ropes before the ref had the chance to make the three count. Perfect.

WrestleMania turns me into a child, and I LOVE IT.

Friday, April 4, 2014

WrestleMania 30 Betting Odds and Predictions

I'm sure a lot of you nerds are excited for your games of dress-up and sword play with the Game of Thrones premiere this Sunday, but since I'm oozing machismo, I'll be watching oiled up dudes take their shirts off and wrestle in their underwear. You know, real man stuff. WrestleMania 30 is going to be great, and I say that as someone who is not at all pumped about this card on paper. My favorite wrestler is on the preshow, the one wrestler I know is wrestling three dudes who combined age is 140, and I am highly doubting that any of my favorites from NXT are going to be making an appearance. But it's still WrestleMania, and there will definitely be awesome matches and hopefully a few surprises (although I doubt they find a way to make that banner image come true). To top it all off, I'm joined by a very special guest, Lukewarm Jonah, as we're going to break down the card match by match to see if there are any good betting opportunities, so you can make that scrilla and get yourself some extra months of the WWE Network (sorry to my foreign friends who are not able to purchase the network).

Tag Team Championship Match
The Usos (Champions) -250 vs. The Real Americans +175 vs. Rybaxel +250 vs. Los Matadores +600
Hott Joe: First off, let's eliminate Rybaxel, because I can't imagine anyway that they win the tag titles. They are just filling out the card. Next, let's eliminate Los Matadores, who are likely only in this match so Cesaro can swing El Torito to the moon. That leaves The Usos and The Real Americans. On one hand, they have been teasing a Real Americans breakup for a while, but on the other hand, they have also been teasing us with these possible breakups only for the group to stay together (The Shield), so it could go either way. I feel like this is an opportunity to propel Cesaro forward, but I think they will do it by splitting him up from his tag partner. The Usos take advantage and retain their tag titles.

LJ: The Usos are my pick. I don't like picking favorites, but I feel like I have to in this case.  The Usos just won the tag titles and they’re not going to simply lose them a month later.  The Real Americans are the only team with a real shot at winning and they’re going to break up soon so the Usos retain.
Winner: The Usos

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Alexander Rusev 7/4
Big Show 2/1
Sheamus 6/1
Dolph Ziggler 6/1
Alberto Del Rio 14/1
The Miz 14/1
Rey Mysterio 14/1
Big E 18/1
Fandango 18/1
Christian 18/1
Mark Henry 18/1
Cody Rhodes 25/1
Goldust 25/1
Damien Sandow 25/1
Titus O’Neil 50/1
The Great Khali 60/1
Zack Ryder 75/1
Sin Cara 75/1
Brad Maddox 75/1
Heath Slater 75/1
Jinder Mahal 75/1
Drew McIntyre 75/1
Kofi Kingston 75/1
Brodus Clay 75/1
Darren Young 80/1
Justin Gabriel 80/1
R-Truth 80/1
Santino Marella 80/1
Field 15/2
LJ: How the hell is Rusev the favorite in this match?  That randomness really makes we want to pick him, but I’m taking Ziggler.  Show is the obvious choice, so I don’t think he’s winning.  It seems like they’re actually giving Ziggler a push again so hopefully this is the start of another main event run for him.

Hott Joe: So I'm going to make this simple and immediately eliminate everyone whose odds are 18/1 or worse. Sorry, guys, but you all have no chance of winning this thing.  Next, let's eliminate The Miz and Alberto Del Rio as they have been losing nonstop for the past few months, so I don't see why they would win this thing. Next, as much as it pains me to do this, I have to eliminate Dolph Ziggler, as he is very near that Miz and ADR area. That leaves us five choices. Alexander Rusev, The Big Show, Sheamus, Rey Mysterio Jr., and The Field. Although The Field is very interesting since it could be a lot of different people, I don't see Hulk Hogan being a mystery entrant so I think you can mark that off as well. The WWE is about prestige, and I don't think they can trust a newbie like Rusev as the winner of this thing. He would be my pick for most eliminations, but I don't see him winning it. The last three are the guys to consider. I would say that Mysterio has the smallest (no pun intended) chance of winning, although the WWE could love the irony of Mysterio winning a battle royal dedicated to the largest athlete in wrestling history. So, for me, it comes down to Sheamus or Big Show. Since they hinted at Big Show winning it on Raw, I'll go Sheamus.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler (Lukewarm Jonah)/Sheamus (Hott Joe)

Hustle, Loyalty, Sheep Match
Bray Wyatt -350 vs. John Cena +225
Hott Joe: It seems like Wyatt needs this win to propel himself forward, but it's not like him beating Cena would end a feud with Cena and let him move on from things. That being said, there is no reason for Cena to win and move on, because there's nowhere for him to go either. I think this drags on for a while, but I do think that Bray Wyatt gets the win with help from Rowan and Harper.

LJ: Wyatt winning here makes a ton of sense, he’s a hot up and coming heel who is super over.  On the other hand, John Cena is an actual underdog in a match.  It’s tough to pass up betting on Cena as an underdog but I think Wyatt wins, and may even put Cena out of commission for a couple of months.  The feud will continue and Cena will eventually win, but Wyatt probably takes the first match.
Winner: Bray Wyatt

Random Match To Highlight The Shield
The Shield -800 vs. Kane and The New Age Outlaws +425
Hott Joe: It makes no sense to put the old guys over The Shield, but I still don't think I would bet on it with these odds. The WWE may try some trickery for this match. But they shouldn't. Believe in The Shield.

LJ: It’s upset time, and it’s a big one.  Three jabronis taking on one of the coolest groups in years?  Seems like an easy choice, but I have a theory.  The Shield was about to break up but has become a cohesive unit again.  This won’t last long as Roman Reigns needs to have his big singles push.  I think the Shield break up happens in this match leading to Kane pinning whatever guy gets left alone in the ring.
Winner: The Shield (Hott Joe)/Old Dudes (Lukewarm Jonah)

The Streak
The Undertaker -3000 vs. Brock Lesnar +900
Hott Joe: The Undertaker is definitely the guy who has been selected to win this match. But still, how awesome would it be if Lesnar went rogue and turned it into the most brutal shoot in wrestling history? It would be glorious. But that's not going to happen.

LJ: Do I really need to pick this match?  Undertaker beats Lesnar.  I think Lesnar puts on a great match and this could definitely be the match of the night but there is no way Lesnar beats Taker.  There will be some great near falls, but Taker always wins, except if Giant Gonzalez makes a return.
Winner: The Undertaker

Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational
AJ Lee (-300) vs. The Field (+200)
LJ: I’ll take the field in this match.  Now AJ Lee is the best Diva on the roster, but she’s been champ for 250 plus days.  It’s time for someone else to win the title, more than likely one of the Bellas.  I’m actually surprised Lee is a favorite in this match, it seems like it’s being build to some other diva getting a run with the title.

Hott Joe: The WWE doesn't give a shit about the Divas division. Total Divas is far more important to them. It's kind of stupid to have AJ lose her title this way, but there are a ton of other ladies in this match. It just seems like the odds are too good to pass up. I'm taking The Field, and I will take Naomi to win the title, although Eva Marie would make me laugh my ass off.
Winner: The Field, A Bella Twin (Lukewarm Jonah)/Naomi (Hott Joe)

#1 Contender Match (Kind of)
Daniel Bryan -2000 vs. Triple H +800
Hott Joe: Although I could see the WWE pissing off the crowd during WrestleMania, I can't see them doing it for this match. If they do it here, there are going to be nonstop boos for the main event, and although the WWE has enjoyed trolling its fans, they can't even survive that for their biggest show of the year. Daniel Bryan gets his revenge on Triple H and wins the match.

LJ: This may not make any sense after reading that I think Daniel Bryan will win the World Title but I’m very tempted to pick Triple H in this match via screw job, but then the Hulkster will insert Bryan into the match.  I wouldn’t bet on this with the terrible odds, but officially I have to take Bryan, he needs to make Trips tap in the middle of the ring and go on to win the World Title.
Winner: Daniel Bryan

WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match
Daniel Bryan -700 vs. Batista +750 vs. Randy Orton +1000 (Triple H is +1200)
LJ: Tough to go against the favorite here.  The only conceivable thing they could do is some sort of screw job that lets Batista win, but they’ve been screwing Bryan for six months now.  It’s time for him to have his moment here.  Bryan is the pick.

Hott Joe: Here is where I feel like the money can be made. I don't see Daniel Bryan winning this match, because he doesn't need this win. As long as he gets his win over Triple H, he has proven himself as a main event wrestler. Winning the title does nothing important for him, and I also see this being the order of the matches, so he will be worn down when this match begins which gives him a built-in excuse. I still think Triple H will do something to prevent him from winning the title, so his only real hope is that Hogan interferes on his behalf. I think Vince McMahon has planned on putting the title on Batista for about six months, and I don't think he's going to change his plan now. I've got Batista winning the title.
Winner: Daniel Bryan (Lukewarm Jonah)/Batista (Hott Joe)

Surprises
Hott Joe: You can't bet on any of this, but I'll predict that CM Punk comes out at the end of WrestleMania and nails Batista with a GTS, so everyone in the crowd can freak out and be happy at the end of the event.

I've been hearing rumors of RVD being one of the three extra entries in the Battle Royal, so sorry if that spoils things for you. I'll go ahead and give Jake "The Snake" Roberts one of the other spots. For the third extra guy, I will take Savio Vega, because Savio Vega is a legend when it comes to surprise appearances.

Hulk Hogan gets involved to help out Daniel Bryan in some way. I hinted at this earlier, but I think Hogan helps out Daniel Bryan at some point in the night. I think it happens in his efforts to beat Triple H, possibly taking out Kane and the New Age Outlaws. Although that just gave me a way better idea of Hulk Hogan being the fourth member of The Shield. That would be Too SWEEEEEEEEEEET.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Suits Power Rankings - Heartburn

Man, I am already having Stemple withdrawal. That guy was fantastic. I really hated him. You know who else I miss? Harold. Harold was the bomb. And HARDMAN, too. That would be one hell of a spinoff show. Oh, you were wondering about actual things happening on Suits? Well, Scotty is the best, and Harvey hasn't been number one this entire season. It's been kind of wild. But, really, the past has little to do with this episode, it's the beginning of the future, ya'll. Let's dive in.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey definitely had his swagger back. First off, he punks out Tony Giannopoulos in his own office. Then he goes back to the office to put Mike in his place in the bathroom. Yo Suits, why are there so many meetings in the bathroom? How does everybody know each other's bowel movements so well? I imagine that there are a lot of scenes like this on the cutting room floor:

(Harvey approaches Mike's cubicle. Mike is nowhere to be found)
Harvey (to himself): Shitting won't save you this time, Mike.
(Flash to bathroom door being swung open violently and Harvey appearing and seeing Mike washing his hands)
Harvey: You've really done it this time.

If I were going to write Suits fan fiction, all scenes would take place in the bathroom. Anyway, Harvey's advice is for Mike to go to a small town in Iowa, which gets extra props since I'm from Iowa and I'm just going to assume that the creators love my rankings and wanted to give me a subtle shoutout. Holla back, playaz. Finally, we find out that he got his law school paid for by Pearson Hardman, because Harvey doesn't pay for shit. Nice work, Specter. The man is finally back on top.

2. Jonathan Sidwell - Uses Michigan State of Appeals to get what he wants, much like UConn used and abused Michigan State to get to the Final Four. Unfortunately, Sidwell is running into his version of Florida with copyright law. He is super bummed out as he will forever be making his salary which conservatively puts it comfortably in the seven figures, likely in the the eight figure range, and it wouldn't shock me if it was in the nine figure range. Oh, but despite getting blown out by Florida in the first half, Mike acts as his Shabazz Napier and takes them to the promised land. So, I guess we'll find out if this UConn analogy works in a couple days. But Sidwell deserves props, because he constantly looks down on lawyers as if they are preschoolers trying to make a house out of blocks. Demeaning people is America's real pastime, and this guy is USA all the way.

3. Mike Ross - Mike is always helping out the little guys, but in this case, the little guy is filthy rich and laughs at lawyers from Harvard, because it's the minor leagues in his world. Since this dude is filthy rich and getting his own company, he offers Mike a job where he doesn't even need to be a lawyer. His glass ceiling may have finally been lifted. Still, all he has is an offer for right now. Until he accepts it and the baller lifestyle that comes with it, he's just hanging out since he'll forever be an associate in the law world.

4. Dana Scott - In Chicago with a client. If that client is Michael Jordan, because she's stealing him from Harvey for him not being open and honest with her, let the record state that I would like to retroactively place her at number one forever and always.

5. Donna Paulsen - Donna was able to snag Scotty's coffee from Harvey since Scotty was out of town. That was probably her highlight from this entire season. Donna doesn't even get to have her own emotions, she just goes to the hospital to visit Louis to convey Harvey's emotions. She also helps Rachel get her college tuition, but nobody gives her credit.

6. Sheila Sass - Her boy toy had a heart attack, but she got a proposal out of the deal. Unfortunately, her boyfriend was unwilling to move to Boston. She thought it over and figured she would sacrifice and work at a second-tier law school in New York. But still, despite all her sacrifice, her man was not willing to bend on his need for children, so she's single and on the prowl. ME-OW.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis had the rollercoaster of all rollercoasters in this episode, so let's break it down point by point.
1. He starts off by calling his girlfriend, "Mom."
2. He sexes said girlfriend, because today is his goddamn day.
3. He couldn't get a cab, so he had to run to his hearing.
4. He delivers a closing argument where he just compliments the jury and brings up nothing about the case.
5. He has a heart attack.
6. He proposes to Sheila.
7. He exposes his butt to the world. The world is not impressed.
8. He calls Beacon Hill "Bacon Hill" despite it being on Harvard campus, so he should definitely know that.
9. He then says that the New York law schools are just as good as Harvard, but he is at a law firm that ONLY HIRES HARVARD GRADUATES. He tried to ruin Mike for not getting through Harvard legitimately, but now he thinks it is a degree factory. Make up your mind, dude.
10. His girlfriend finally agrees to give up her job to move to New York, bringing him great joy.
11. Psych, his joy immediately turns to sadness, because there is no way that babies are coming out of Sheila's love hole.
12. He probably starts calling all women, "Mom."

8. Rachel Zane - Rachel is worried about money for tuition, but her family is filthy rich, so she could probably get cash from them. Rachel also realized she's a dummy who should probably get six figure bonuses in writing. I was pretty angry that she ended up getting the money for tuition because of Donna. I think this could have been a very valuable life lesson for Rachel. Also, maybe she could show some guts and actually ask Louis about the money.

9. Jessica Pearson - She gets punked out by her name partner and has to sign checks by herself. Still, she really doesn't want to sign a check for Rachel, because she's an idiot. I do not blame her. Still, the idiot had Donna on her side, so she decides to give her $200,000 instead of just suggesting Rachel get the money from her filthy rich parents.

10. Tony Giannopoulos - He got punked out by Harvey in his own office and then had to give a promotion to the guy he was trying to keep down throughout this whole process. Tony G was a lot more intimidating last season.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The Utleytaker

Oh, the magic of MS Paint:

My Six Favorite Spring Training Players

I'm almost 30 years old. At this age, it is really tough to have a favorite player, Since Kirby Puckett retired, I've dabbled in favorite players like Glenallen Hill, Juan Cruz, and Michael Wuertz, but nobody has stood out above the rest. It also doesn't help that I am often older than them, and outside of fantasy baseball, I don't care that much. I know the Cubs are going to suck, so I can't say that I'm too invested in their season. Maybe they can shock the worl...no, they can't, so there's no point in even mentioning it. Anyway, since I moved to South Florida, I had the opportunity to check out some Spring Training games. I went to six spring training games (but only managed to see six different teams since five of the games were Cardinals games [don't judge me], since they were closest), and will give a favorite player from each team I saw.

Cardinals - Pat Neshek
Most dominant player I saw and I would probably deem him my favorite player if he didn't play for the team that I despise the most. His side-arming action was giving hitters fits. Plus, he was hanging in the low-90s while topping out at 94. No hitter ever made good contact against him, and I am so angry that he is on the Cardinals instead of the Cubs. I'd even settle for the Marlins. Anyway, I wish that 7th inning relievers had fantasy value, because I would destroy my fantasy league with Pat Neshek. If Rosenthal gets hurt, I'm picking up Neshek just for the chance that he might take the closer's role; I suggest you do the same.

Nationals - Destin Hood
The Nationals sent their B-Squad for the game I saw, so the only starter I saw was Anthony Rendon. But that didn't stop me from assuming that Destin Hood was going to take Bryce Harper's job. He absolutely crushed a home run and made a nice catch on defense. Don't let the numbers fool you, nerds. It's only a matter of time before they make space for Hood by trading Bryce Harper to the Cubs for Darwin Barney.

Tigers - Miguel Cabrera
I got lucky in this one as I had seats directly behind home plate about eight rows up. Watching Miguel Cabrera is so impressive. He's a large man, but it's not like he looks like an athlete. Still, he really makes it look like he can do anything he wants with a baseball bat. It is effortless. There are players that you should always stop what you are doing to watch them in action, and Miguel Cabrera is definitely that type of player. It did not hurt that he hit two home runs in the game that I saw, but even the single that he hit was pretty impressive.

Astros - Chris Carter
This is a guy I have liked for quite a while. He always did a really good job of making adjustments at new levels where he would go from sucking to dominating. I think that will happen to him in the major leagues this year. He didn't really do anything special, but he's special in my heart. Also, props to the Astros front office for being really nice people. Do you get extra wins for being nice? No? Oh, well, you should.

Phillies - Bobby Abreu
He was hitting line drives all over the field, and he gunned a guy out at home plate. I know he got released, but he also got picked up again. And let's not forget, although Abreu isn't a Hall of Fame player, he was still really, really good. I hope he gets one important hit for the Mets and retires the next day to become President of Venezuela.

Marlins - Andrew Heaney
I really liked what I saw from Heaney. This is the point where I should point out that I cannot scout baseball to save my life, but I know my strengths and weaknesses. Making hitters look stupid is good. Inducing weak contact is also good. Striking dudes out is good too. Heaney did all of these things, and since the Marlins don't care about service time, expect him to be on the big league roster within the week. His ERA was 0.88 in High-A last year. I expect him to do AT LEAST that well in the majors this year.