Monday, April 2, 2018

The 14 Worst Things About XWF Episode 2

When I started this idea, I figured it would be pretty easy to rip into the XWF. A wrestling organization run by Brian Knobbs, Greg Valentine, and Jimmy Hart? Yeah, that is going to be awful, and it will be incredibly easy to make fun of. But I gotta say, episode two was not that bad. They actually had decent matchups wrestling wise, so the show was totally watchable. I was legitimately excited about the first thing on the list.

Now, don't get me wrong, there was still a lot of hilarious awful things that did happen, but, fair warning, I might sound fairly positive as I go through these initial items. If you'd like to watch the whole episode, then treat yo self below.

14. A Dream Match
Johnny B. Badd took on Norman Smiley, and there is no way there can be a better match than this. Did Johnny B. Badd have the confetti gun? You bet your ass he had the confetti gun. Does Norman Smiley do the Little Wiggle?

You bet your ass he does the Little Wiggle. Does Johnny B. Badd then do his own dance move? Okay, you know where this is going, but of course he does his own dance move.

This is exactly what the XWF should have been. This match may have been made with me in mind as I am a huge Norman Smiley fan, and as a child, I found nothing weird about a man wearing a whole lot of makeup; I just thought confetti guns were super cool. This match was nothing special, but it was THE MOST SPECIAL match in XWF history.

13. A Second Dream Match?
So, yeah, this episode had a lot for me as another match on the card features Curt Hennig with Bobby Heenan taking on Buff Bagwell. Rap is Crap era Curt Hennig and Airbrushed Tophat Buff Bagwell are two of my favorite characters from WCW, so again, I was excited for this match way more than any reasonable person would be. It's not like these guys are setting the world on fire with their work rate, but it's an enjoyable match with a good back and forth. Hennig wins when Heenan pushes Buff off the top rope into a Perfect Plex. Sadly, things also took place after the match, but we'll get to that later.

12. Hulk Hogans Must Pose
The Road Warriors took on The Shane Twins aka The Hulk Hogan Twins. Even though it's late-era Road Warriors, it's still Hawk and Animal, and that means it totally rules. They gave The Shane Twins WAY too much offense. You don't bring The Road Warriors into sell, you bring them into dominate. You also don't bring in The Shane Twins to wrestle as this will happen.

The Road Warriors hit the Doomsday Device, but the Nasty Boys then interfere so they only get the win by disqualification. No worries, The Road Warriors hug The Shane Twins to give everybody that ooey gooey happy feeling.

11. Mexicans Aren't Allowed To Fight Americans
As you can tell, the wrestling, for various reasons, was rather enjoyable. Juventud Guerrera and Psychosis take on Konnan and Ray Gonzales. They do some fun moves, but it's a rather forgettable match. They don't set the world on fire, and my biggest takeaway is that Ray Gonzales could have used a t-shirt.

10. Free-ers?
Jimmy Hart calls luchadors, lucha libredors, and I have been laughing about it since.

9. Sonny Onoo and Vapor Are Coming

I'm just happy to see Sonny Onoo as Vapor is most famous for suing the WWE for concussions.

8. Crown The King
This was when the matches got bad. Maximum Force is made up of Simon Diamond and Johnny Swinger, managed by Dawn Marie. They both take on Jerry Lawler after insulting The Kitten, the awkward blonde lady that stands behind The King and massages him while he does commentary. The Kitten had that name since The King was married to The Kat before she divorced him after losing her job in the WWE. Maximum Force lose, because ain't no way Lawler jobbing in the XWF.

7. New Hogans
In the intro, Hail and Ian Harrison are mentioned as the new stars of the XWF. If you remember, these two were Tall Hogan and British Hogan, respectively, so of course they were considered future stars. They somehow did not think of AJ Styles as a future star in professional wrestling.

6. Tag Team Gang Bang
They brought in Public Enemy as the South Philly Posse, now with a woman named Jasmine, because they were VERY into having ladies around to stand their and look differing levels of attractive. I did not remember this woman, but apparently her name is Jasmin St. Claire and before she joined ECW, you could have seen her in the critically acclaimed film as World's Biggest Gang Bang 2. She originally claimed to have sex with 300 different men in 24 hours, but it turns out there were only 30 guys, and only 10 could perform sexually on camera. I know I felt cheated...had I purchased that film and viewed it repeatedly, but I didn't, so I just feel bad for those suckers...ANYWAY...

5. Tall Hogan Wins
Knuckles took on Hail. Hail wins in about a minute with a leg drop, because they are messing with me and really are just producing a bunch of fake Hogans. Anyway, the more interesting note is that Knuckles was a man named Dave Burkhead who compiled a 0-25 record while wrestling for WCW and the XWF.

4. In Your Face
They did another short vignette for Drezden. You may remember him from, actually, no, there is no way to remember him, because the XWF was by far his biggest moment in the business. The most notable thing about Drezden is the production team would randomly pop up the words "In Your Face" while also displaying names of wrestlers. I originally thought his name was Drezden In Your Face, but he was just plain ol' Drezden.

3. TaMANa
They do a five-second vignette with Jimmy Snuka Sr. and Jr. I do not support a murderer getting a comeback opportunity quite like I do for Sonny Onoo. Junior would later have a run in the WWE as Deuce, probably because he was the shits.

2. A Buff Match Can't Be Perfect
After Bobby Heenan helps Curt Hennig defeat Buff Bagwell. Vampiro is forced to come out to even the score. Before he can do too much damage, British Hulk Hogan, Ian Harrison, comes out to beat up Vampiro. Then, Roddy Piper clears the ring by waving his arms around a bunch. It's just guys coming out to come out, but at least the Commissioner stands tall at the end.

1. Horny Roddy Piper Is Super Horny
Another week of two authority figures coming out to make decisions. Mean Gene asks a very relevant question about Piper overstepping his role the previous week by hitting Curt Hennig with brass knuckles without Hennig or his manager Bobby Heenan doing any cheating. Rena comes close to questioning Piper, but then Piper gets SUPER horny, so she just lets it go.

She started to question whether she made the right decision by making him commissioner. Piper proves himself by getting even hornier.

After Piper delivers a soliloquy to her breasts, Rena says she knows she made the right decision. XWF 4 Life.

Join us next week for the third and final episode. 

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