Pro Wrestling Is Back

My brother told me that TNA was going to compete against Monday Night Raw to reignite the Monday Night Wars that made wrestling so great back in the day. My response, "Who cares?"

I had written it off. The storylines were lame, the main eventers weren't good wrestlers or all that good on the microphone. Nothing about it made me stop channel surfing so I could find something better. After 20+ years, pro wrestling had lost its appeal to me.

Still, I decided I would give it a shot, maybe it was Hulk Hogan wrestling again that made my inner-child need to see it, maybe it was just morbid curiosity on how far pro wrestling had fallen.

So I watched. And HOLY SHIT. TNA Impact was awesome last night.

The show opened with Hogan and Abyss in the ring, and they called out Ric Flair and AJ Styles to START the show. They decided to put the main event right at the beginning. Bold move, TNA, very bold move. So they're fighting, and all of sudden, the lights go out, and STING comes out to help Hogan and Abyss. At least that's what Hogan and Abyss think. Bad move guys. I've watched enough pro wrestling to know that there was something evil lurking in Sting. Sting turned on Hogan and Abyss and repeatedly hit them with his baseball bat.

Sting leaves and pushes a woman into a wall. She must have spilt his coffee.

Just Needed An Excuse To Post This Video Again

Back to Hogan, he and Abyss challenge Flair and Styles again for the end of the show, but this time there would be no disqualifications. Excellent job, TNA, two main events from the same wrestlers. Hulk Hogan ensures my television viewing. I've even watched Brooke Hogan's show when Hulk was on, so there's no way I'll be missing the main event.

All of a sudden, without warning, this man appears:

That's right, Eric, Motherfucking, Bischoff. Why is he around? I don't know, nor do I care, but he makes an X-Division Three-Way Title Match. It was solid, and I think the champ retained his belt. Then Shannon Moore, excuse me, SHANNON MOORE, came out and beat up the champ to set up their match. I had trouble getting as excited as Tazz was for Shannon Moore, especially since he has adopted a punk rock gimmick after being in one of the greatest musical acts of all time.

Party on Forever 3 Count

Then there was a chick match. Yep.

So then the bitch that got knocked down by Sting (who is apparently the new Jack Tunney, as she is president of TNA) decided to make Sting fight a mystery opponent. Old school wrestling taught me one thing, and that is that all mystery opponents will be Savio Vega. Needless to say, I was shocked when I found out that they got star of the hit movie, Wrong Side of Town, RVD. RVD beats Sting in about fifteen seconds with a Five-Star Splash, because he is Mr. Monday Night. Then RVD makes a crucial mistake. He decides to celebrate on the ropes, turning his back on a man that has a baseball bat lying next to him. Sting hits him, not once, not twice, but eleven times (I rewatched the video) with a baseball bat. Also, he hit a couple refs, a security guard, and Hulk Hogan twice. I quickly flipped to RAW for a second to see what was going on, and Dave Batista was in his dressing room watching TV. What was he watching? Probably Sting beating the crap out of everybody with a baseball bat because it was awesome.

Then Scott Hall steals the show as only someone who oozes machismo can. He and Sean Waltman challenge Kevin Nash and Eric Young. Then Eric Bischoff pops up again, and says that if Hall and Waltman win, they get a TNA contract, but if they lose, they're out of TNA forever. Scott Hall responds with, "It's a dealdo." Somehow, he found the coolest way to say deal, and mixed it with the coolest way to say dildo. It was amazing. Nash then says he'll see them at the PPV, and Hall responds with, "I'll be the one that looks like Elvis." If any TNA executives are reading this, MORE SCOTT HALL PLEASE! Not only is he in the best shape of his life, but he's got street cred too.

He May Need To Let More Machismo Ooze

Then Hall and Nash leave, and Waltman and Young have a match, and Waltman loses.

Who's next? Oh, you know, just the US ARMY, bitches. They come out in support of the American Hero, Olympic Gold Medalist, Kurt Angle. He has a problem with some Mr. Anderson dude, and I didn't really care, until I realized that Mr. Anderson is the fake name for a different Mister, Mr. Kennedy...Kennedy. Fucking sweet. Kennedy gets his ass kicked by Angle, and by America. Bad night for him, great night for the USA, I'm surprised Ricky Stanzi didn't jump in and beat his ass.

Then Jeff Jarrett loses to two guys in a match reffed by Mick Foley, but the big takeaway from this match is the fantastic head of hair that Jeff Jarrett is sporting.

He Definitely Uses Conditioner

Then we finally get to the main event where Flair and Hogan actually took the bulk of the action throughout the match. Both men were busted wide open, and it was awesome. It looked like Flair and Styles may win the match when Abyss started shaking, and then Hogan started shaking, and then I realized, HOLY MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST ON THE CROSS JESUS FUCKTARD SHITDEMON, it's a double psychup! Unheard of since the MegaManiacs tagged together. They did their thing, won the match and the crowd went wild. Some punkass bitch tried to attack Hogan and Abyss, but they were eventually saved by Matt Hardy. That would have been a good spot for Macho Man, but unfortunately he's still in hiding.

Overall, this was an AMAZING night of wrestling. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking about ending your life. Usually, I would give this advice:

But luckily, Spike is replaying it on Thursday at 8:00 CST. Don't miss it, because the Monday Night Wars have brought Pro Wrestling back.

-Joe

P.S. DJK must have missed wrestling, because he was busy tweeting this.