:07 - We start with a sexy lady in the pool, and flash to a worker who is about use a chainsaw and some tree stump. Oh, but that’s not any old random worker, that’s RVD, Rob Van Dam. The chainsaw isn’t working, no big deal, RVD karate chops the wood. Hell yes he does.
:07 - Oh no, sexy pool lady has somehow drowned. RVD to the rescue, he gets her to safety…and what’s this? She was just messin; she had to practice for her drama class. Either way, Mom is grounding her for a month. RVD is bummed, but manages to talk Mom down to two weeks.
:08 - Just realized that RVD wasn’t a random worker, but is actually her father. RVD playing the role of Dad has me incredibly excited.
:09 - Now the neighbor just came by to ask for a hammer, and RVD told him he could help him with that, if he had a driver’s license and major credit card. Then he did this pose:
He looks mean, but he’s just kidding. The neighbor sure was nervous.:09 – We learn that RVD hates the city, probably because he can never stay on the right side of town.
:10 – I know I’m only ten minutes in, but everything RVD says makes me laugh. This may be one of the greatest movies ever made.
:12 – The neighbor is a club owner’s lawyer. He tries to high-five the club owner, but he has none of it. The club owner does offer to comp their meal. The neighbor is pumped about the free meal, RVD is apprehensive and says that you always end up paying in the long run, could this be foreshadowing? I think so.
:17 – I can’t properly explain how awesome everything RVD says is. The neighbor’s wife came back without his wife, and he asked, “Where’s Dawn?” If I would have been drinking anything at that moment, it would have been spit on my computer.
:18 – RVD just killed a dude, his response, “He had it coming.” There is no such thing as remorse in the world of RVD.
:36 – RVD is about to trick people hired to kidnap him into thinking there are diamonds in his sock. This is awesome.
:37 – Just had this exchange:
Neighbor: Where did you learn to fight like that?
RVD: I watched a lot of Jackie Chan movies.
:39 – Turns out it wasn’t Jackie Chan movies where he learned to fight, it was in the special forces.
:43 – RVD is surrounded by bad guys, and they send in their big enforcer, MABEL! Hell yes.
:46 – RVD says he needs to call in an old debt. Who does he meet? BATISTA!
:47 – Some stripper just implied RVD was gay, apparently she can’t recognize a testosterone-fueled badass when she sees one.
:49 – So this movie just had the scene from Team America where the one guy tries to outact Alec Baldwin, except RVD and Batista just did the opposite.
:55 – Batista is having a conversation with a dead guy, it’s brilliant.
1:02 – What do all badasses need?
Badass Shades and...
A Badass Bike Helmet.1:14 – Just imagine this sneaking up on you in real life.
1:16 – They are now playing slap hands during a knife fight.
And with that, I'm sure you are confused about what actually happens in this movie. All this movie involves is great acting, awesome action scenes, great acting, awesome RVD moments, and great acting. This movie was so manly that I had to manscape both before and after this movie. Still I HIGHLY recommend the movie Wrong Side of Town.
-Joe
P.S. If you want to watch a really crappy movie that will make you think and stuff, watch Inception, talk about a snoozer.
P.P.S. I haven't even seen that movie, but I probably just gave half of my readers a heart attack because everyone seems to think it's the greatest thing ever. Apparently those people never saw No Holds Barred.
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