We Need To Talk About These Jose Canseco Old Milwaukee Commercials

The world is abuzz over the latest, greatest, innovative ads from Old Milwaukee. First, they got Will Ferrell to do some ads in various smallish cities for Old Milwaukee, but now they've brought out the big gun. That's right, they got the man with his guns hangin' and bangin', Jose Canseco. As far as I know, it aired only in Kansas City, and it is pretty awesome. Let's tackle these commercials one by one (Actually, two by one. Also, turn your volume way up as the sound is a little weak on these videos).


Commercial 1
This one is so simple, yet so beautiful. Just one of the most powerful swings in the history of baseball straight up crushing a beer can in slow motion. Then, Old Milwaukee lets you know that they were behind the genius of this commercial.

Commercial 2
Jose gets to show off his acting chops by talking about how a few bad apples can't drag down the game of baseball. Just like a few days of puking following a night of drinking Old Milwaukee shouldn't stop you from drinking it in the future. Baseball's back, Jose Canseco's back, and since a lot of us went through an Old Milwaukee phase, maybe it's time for us to get back to our roots and start drinking our old friend.


Commercial 3
This is the commercial that shines the brightest. It is specifically designed for the Kansas City market, but I feel it can be enjoyed by anyone. Kansas City isn't in a slump; it's just that the rest of the world started cheating. "Sometimes last place, is first place," is really a fantastic quote.

As easy as it is to make fun of Jose Canseco, these commercials are all very well done. Old Milwaukee found what would work for him and did a great job with it. I'm still a Natty man, but Old Mil has just moved up to my number two.

This Avion Commercial Makes No Sense

So, I keep seeing this Avion commercial on TV, and I cannot figure it out. It is, quite possibly, the dumbest commercial ever made. I know it doesn't hit you over the head with stupidity like some commercials do, but if you actually watch it carefully, you will realize that there is no discernible plot or motivation in these characters. Just check out the commercial, and then I will break it down below:

:01 - Man opens door to reveal sexy lady who is dressed in all leather. Man is at a loss for words, but we do get the impression that these two are dating as he calls her, "Honey."

:11 - She tells him to sit and he obeys. Honestly, sitting is way more comfortable than standing, so this is a pretty easy direction for him to follow. It only qualifies as slightly more of a command than, "Eat this steak." Also, it appears that he sits down on a leather chair which means there is no way he could have his arms tied to the chair. This will become important later.

:15 - She puts on gloves. I don't know why she couldn't have put on the gloves before she got there, but whatever.

:19 - Dude is starting to get nervous now that her gloves are on as he asks her, "Do we need a safe word?" She shushes him, even though he asked a very reasonable question at a reasonable volume.

:21 - Okay, this is where it gets weird. There are somehow lit candles all over this guy's apartment. I really don't know any guys who light candles, but this guy had a ton of them. Even more inexplicable is she just starts dumping candle wax on the floor. That is going to be a pain in the ass to clean up. What is your end game, woman?

:23 - She blindfolds him. She never actually ties him down, but she does blindfold him. At no point does he think to reach his arms up and take off the blindfold.

:30 - She has two glasses filled with ice, but only pours Avion into one of the glasses. Why did you put ice in both glasses? You are the least efficient human being ever.

:35 - He smells the drink and realizes that it is Avion. He should probably ask her to get him a glass or at least take off the blindfold and do it himself.

:40 - She takes off his blindfold and drinks the Avion. The dude sits there dumbfounded. I'm not sure why, but I am guessing that she is a recovering alcoholic who just got her token for a year of sobriety. At least that would make sense.

:50 - She leaves some of the Avion in the glass. Finish your drink, woman.

:54 - She leaves, saying, "That'll do for now." Um, I'm just going to let Matthew Kennedy Gould express my feelings here.

So, quick summary. Some dude's girlfriend spends a lot of time to get all dolled up in her sexy leather outfit, so she can blindfold her boyfriend, pour wax on his floor, drink a little bit of tequila and leave. That doesn't make any sense. It would have been way smarter for her to go to a bar and have some, or even go to the local liquor store and buy her own bottle. It probably cost her a decent chunk of change driving to her boyfriend's place, because, let's face it, no girl dressed like that is taking public transportation. It'd be even worse if she had to pay for a cab.

I don't even know who they are trying to sell this product to. Are they trying to sell this product? The only reasonable explanation I can come up with is that both of the characters are mentally handicapped, and although that would be a really progressive commercial, I doubt that Avion is trying to become The official Tequila of the Mentally Handicapped. 


My brain hurts. If anyone from Avion could contact me about this, that would be greatly appreciated. 

I Took Hacksaw Jim Duggan To The Airport

Last week, Hacksaw Jim Duggan made an appearance at a local minor league baseball game. Since I have connections in that industry (I am a very important person), I had the opportunity to take Hacksaw to the airport the following morning.

The first thing you should know is that Hacksaw is as awesome as he seems on TV. He is an incredibly nice person, even very early in the morning. He immediately thanked me for picking him up, wondering how I got stuck with this duty. Stuck? I volunteered to set my alarm for 4:00 AM, so I could pick him up at 4:45. In fact, I was so excited that I was wide awake by 3:45 AM. I swear, despite what that last sentence may lead you to believe, I am a fully functioning adult.

I met him the night before as he was signing autographs for fans. It was very impressive that he did not just sign an autograph an keep the line moving. He gave every fan about a 1-2 minute conversation. The line did not move fast, but he was willing to stay after the game had ended so he could meet with everyone. So I met Hacksaw the night before, and he loved my old school Royal Rumble shirt. And no, I did not wear that on accident since he won the first Royal Rumble, I planned my outfit to go meet Hacksaw Jim Duggan. I am not ashamed about this at all.

So, back to our ride to the airport. I pick him up and tell him he will probably have to move the seat back in order to get in my car, because he is a lot bigger than my girlfriend. That got a good laugh out of him and a response of, "Let's hope so!" That's another thing with Hacksaw. I hate exclamation points, but I feel like I would be doing a disservice if I did not end every Hacksaw quote with an exclamation point. He's a loud dude with a lot of energy.

Hacksaw talked about how he got started in wrestling. Fritz Von Erich recruited him while he was playing football at SMU, but he never thought he would do it, because he wasn't a wrestling fan and was focusing on football. But after a year with the Atlanta Falcons and a year in the CFL, he got started in wrestling and the rest is history.

Hacksaw also disliked that they have a bunch of writers from Hollywood coming up with the storylines and writing down everything the wrestlers are supposed to say. So some nerd writer comes up to Hacksaw and hands him a script, Hacksaw respond, "You think you can tell me what I'm going to say!?" The writer responds that this is what Vince wants him to say. So you know what Hacksaw did? He read the script and collected his paycheck.

Would you like spoilers? If not, skip to the next paragraph. But lets just say that if you are patiently waiting for a Hacksaw appearance on a WWE television program, you won't have to wait long. Tuesday is the Great American Bash Smackdown, and Hacksaw will be there, hopefully cracking skulls and happily carrying a 2X4.

As he was leaving, I asked him whether he still watches wrestling. He told me that he doesn't, and then dropped this analogy on me, "A butcher doesn't watch somebody chop meat on his day off!" That analogy makes very little sense, because nobody watches people chop meat for fun, but even though its batshit crazy, it's still awesome, because Hacksaw said it.

The thing that I'm left with is wishing Hacksaw was always around. Not only is it incredibly easy to get a USA chant going, but his presence is the only time where it is socially acceptable to yell HOOOOOOO! with ladies present, and I dig that.

In conclusion, Hacksaw Jim Duggan is awesome, and if you have the chance to drive him to the airport, no matter what time it is, you should totally take advantage of that opportunity.