The Best Name For A Baby Boy: Machete

I know what you're thinking. Machete isn't the name of a child. It's a giant knife. Yeah, well John and Joe used to be the name for the bathroom and coffee, but it worked out pretty well for a large portion of the population). But the real question is: If I have the perfect boy name, why am I sharing it with the world? Unfortunately, I have to share it with the world, because my wife will not let me share it with my son.

My wife and I talk about baby names a lot. The girls' names we came up with were easy. I just went to the local strip club with a pen and paper and boom, 15 great names for girls that will make sure they are go-getters. But the boys names are tough. She would bring up crummy names, and I would point out how children are going to make fun of them for that name.

Finally, the perfect named dawned on me, like an angel setting me on a wondrous path. It was manly, classy, and there was literally no way to make fun of it.

Machete. How badass is that? My wife tried to ruin the name by saying kids will call him MaShitty, but that was a silly argument. Do you know how much fun my son would have when he was in high school and college and yelling at parties, "Who wants to get MaShitty tonight?" There would be a small earthquake from all the panties dropping at once.

Also, you can shorten it to Mach, which can be pronounced like Macho or like Mach-Five. Either way, it's gritty as all hell.

It's the best name ever, but my stupid wife (honey, if you're reading this, I'm only kidding about the stupid part; also, you're very pretty) won't let me use it. So, please, don't even include your wife on the naming of your child. She'll be so drugged up after giving birth that you can sneak in naming the child before she even realizes it. Machete [whatever your last name is] has a pretty good ring to it, doesn't it?

Be on the look out for most popular boys' names. Machete will be topping the list by the end of next year.