Politics are stupid. There’s so much bullshit that it can get exhausting, and even I admit that I would probably be happier if I ignored everything. If you’re able to ignore everything, you should selfishly do that. But as I’ve grown older, I have learned to care for people outside of myself. It has led to me having a wife, son, and dog, all three of which I think are pretty cool. As a white guy who will be dead before global warming destroys the world, I’m going to be fine, no matter who is in charge, but since I care about others outside of myself, I can’t help but pay attention to this stupid bullshit.
Speaking of stupid bullshit, I am going to break down the candidates by who I think would be best to have a beer with. I’m all in for Bernie with my vote, but this is an objective list, so he will definitely not get the top spot here. Also, if he was still running, Andrew Yang would have probably been the top choice in this metric.
9. Amy Klobuchar
You’re probably thinking that I’m putting Klobuchar last since she is an awful human being who abuses her employees, but if I’m just having a beer with someone, that’s not going to totally register for me. No, my big issue is that she just comes across as someone who is loud all of the time. It’s a common defense mechanism for unfunny people who won’t say anything clever, but they will say something mildly offbeat VERY LOUDLY, and that gets them a positive reaction. I personally just want those people to be quiet as I would rather just chill and enjoy my beer while having a reasonably volumed conversation.
8. Donald Trump
Next on the list is Donald Trump, who you may think is even louder than Klobuchar, but I think he’s more boisterous and although he is a lout, he can have normal volumed conversations. No, my big issue with Trump is I get exhausted by people who have to put themselves over. Like, congratulations on your accomplishments, but stories of success are super boring. Give me the great failures, because those are way more engaging and often hilarious. Only insecure people need to brag about themselves which is why people who post a lot on social media are often very sad and insecure, just like our president. Also, there is no way he’d pick up the tab.
7. Bernie Sanders
I told you this list was objective, and unfortunately, I have to put Bernie fairly low. Bernie loves talking about issues and helping people most in need, and even though we’re on the same page on that stuff, I really just want to enjoy my beer and watch the game. “Yes, Bernie, I know we need medicare for all, but that doesn’t really relate to the important topic of the Bears quarterback situation.” It’d probably be exhausting, and as low as I am ranking him, he would probably rank me lower which I am totally fine with, because I do kind of suck.
6. Mike Bloomberg
I don’t really think this would be enjoyable, but Mike is so stupid rich that even after we shared a beer, he’d tell the bartender to put my drinks on his tab for the rest of the night. I think in a short period of time, he would only say one or two offensive things about minorities, but hopefully the long night of alcohol would wipe those from my memories.
Also, I know Bloomberg is a massive piece of shit in nearly countless real-world ways, but the most offensive thing he has proposed is an open office situation where no one has any privacy and he can look down on everyone’s work. What a damn clown.
5. Tulsi Gabbard
Sometimes Tulsi says things that I like, and other times, she says things that really confuse me. I may like her, I may not, but I don’t think she would be an offensive guest to join me for a beer. And now we take a huge jump forward and go to the people I think I would really enjoy having a beer with.
4. Pete Buttigieg
I know this one seems odd, because as a Bernie supporter, I must hate everything about Mayor Pete. I usually follow the rules, but I’m pretty sure I would enjoy having a beer with Pete. Pete is a scum of the Earth, former McKinsey employee, which is just an awful organization that tries to accomplish nothing but awful things. But McKinsey does hire smart people, and I’m guessing with Pete’s political success, he’s probably a pretty charming guy in the right situation. In fact, I have experience of briefly hanging out with somebody very similar to Pete in Jeff Luhnow. Luhnow is seen as a scumbag, and he probably is, but the guy knows how to work a room and make everyone feel welcomed. I have completely enjoyed my brief interactions with the guy, and I’m guessing Pete would be the same way. I think Pete and I would both really enjoy talking and having a cold brewski.
3. Elizabeth Warren
Warren is a smart lady, she actually likes to drink beer, or is at least willing to pretend, which is all that I’m really asking for. Also, although she doesn’t seem funny, she at least seems to have a sense of humor. Honestly, she carries a lot of the appeal of a beer with Buttigieg but without being inherently evil. I feel like I would enjoy having a beer with someone who is not evil as opposed to someone who is.
2. Joe Biden
Joe Biden would be a blast to have a beer with. Would he make some inappropriate jokes? For sure, but that’s just guys being dudes. Would he say something to the lady bartender or waitress? You know how us guys be. Would he say something super offensive that you try to excuse as, “Oh, he’s just from a different generation,” but that phrase would linger with you for a while, and you’d realize that, no, he really shouldn’t have said that? 100%, and that is why I can only put him at #2 on this list.
1. Tom Steyer
This may seem like a shocking choice for number one, but Tom Steyer just seems like a positive guy. I don’t think I could possibly have a down night while hanging out with Tom Steyer. I think he would be really engaged in whatever conversation I wanted to talk about (the answer is always Iowa Wrestling). He would find everything I said to be fascinating, and we would laugh and just have a great time. He would definitely ask me if I wanted to do shots, and I’d have to break the news to him that I don’t do shots anymore. But he’d press along, and since we were having a good time, I’d end up breaking my own rule. Then he would order Irish Car Bombs, and I would protest since those are definitely not shots, but he’d say that he already ordered them, and there’s no way he could drink two of them. I hate being wasteful so I’d end up chugging one. I’d think to myself, “Man, those are good. I forgot how good those were.” It would probably spiral from there, and the next morning I would wake up with the worst hangover I have had in a decade.
But Tom and I would have still had one hell of a time.
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