The other day I had a Facebook friend request from some girl names Ashley Wilson. I do not know this person, but I confirm everyone as a friend, even Skeffington’s Formal Wear. Here is a picture of her:
As you can tell, it's ambiguous enough where I can't even tell if this girl is hot (I'm leaning towards not). She seems pretty tall, unless she's at the world's smallest drinking fountain. I looked up the name on the WNBA site, but I didn't find her on any of the rosters.
Soon after my confirmation of our friendship, I received a private message from her (or more likely a 40 year old who wants to rape me or my computer). Let’s break down the message:
Hey, you know I added you thinking you were this person I used to know.. oops! You are pretty cool though so I guess I'll just tell you a little about me then! I'm Ashley, and I recently relocated here from this tiny town in Canada. I'm the down to earth girl next door type. Im currently taking Salsa dancing class and I totally love to cook, so I suppose it would be fair to label me sorta adventurous. I was trying to attatch more pictures of me but its not letting it go through! Do u have an email I can send my pictures to instead?
Sadly, the signs of illiteracy actually make this more likely to be real, because I have learned that people my age who are supposed to be adults do still type like this. Still, we’ll go bit by bit to see what it’s desired result and actual result happened to be:
Hey, you know I added you thinking you were this person I used to know.. oops! You are pretty cool though so I guess I'll just tell you a little about me then!
Desired Result: Oh, she made an honest mistake, happens to the best of us. I am glad she thinks I’m cool, and I look forward to learning more about her.
Actual Result: Looks like my first inclination of this girl being fake was correct. I wonder if I can turn this into a blog post; it’s at least a p.s. Pretty cool? Come on, Spam messenger, I am extremely cool, don’t insult me. Also, I do not give a shit to learn more about you.
I'm Ashley, and I recently relocated here from this tiny town in Canada.
Desired Result: Wow, Canadians are always nice, and it’s awesome that she’s just located here. Maybe I could show her around.
Actual Result: You moved here? Here being where exactly? You don’t know, because this is being sent out to thousands of people.
I'm the down to earth girl next door type. Im currently taking Salsa dancing class and I totally love to cook, so I suppose it would be fair to label me sorta adventurous.
Desired Result: Man, I could use a nice girl next door type. Girls can be so cruel sometimes. Wow, she can cook for me, and she knows how to dance. She does seem quite adventurous. I never believed in fate before, but maybe her mistakenly thinking I was someone she knew will lead to our passionate love and eventual marriage.
Actual Result: This is probably my favorite part. She is the girl next door type and she’s adventurous. Hence, she appeals to everyone. That’s definitely the best writing in this entire e-mail. I thought there was more brilliant writing in there at first, because I originally read “totally love to cook” as “totally love the cock.” I don’t think this portrays me in a negative light, because it’s really the use of totally. If she just put love to cook, I probably could have read that correctly. But originally, I thought this was the best spam message ever; unfortunately, she does not willingly admit to loving the cock.
I was trying to attatch more pictures of me but its not letting it go through! Do u have an email I can send my pictures to instead?
Desired Result: Damn, I wish she could get those pictures online. I would like to see more of my lover. Wait, she wants to send me the pictures? Love does exist.
Actual Result: Are you fucking retarded? How hard is it to put pictures up on everything? There are five-year olds with Facebook accounts, and I’m sure they can put up pictures on Facebook. Also, I’m pretty sure at least one of my e-mail addresses is on my profile. You looked into how “cool” I was, why didn’t you notice the e-mail address? Sorry, creepy nerd who is doing this, you will not be raping me or my computer.
Before posting this, I decided to check my fake friend's profile. Yep, there are multiple dudes who have not just replied to her message, but actually posted their e-mail on her wall. This dumbass is my favorite:
Frankie Lama Hi Ashley,when I first saw your picture I thought you were someone I onceknew;Alot of these pictures are from a class reunion,on saturday,Im just starting to learn facebook,and Im abit slow with the key board.I would love to give you my Email,you seem like agreat girl.I love music,I used to teach disco dance hustle and... still d,j, parties for family and friends ,Im a big sport fan. my email is mets092760@aol.com
People have become painfully stupid.
-Joe
P.S. Does anybody know anyone besides Ricky Stanzi that has tried out these shoes? They have piqued my interests, and I need to get my list to Santa soon so he has plenty of time to have the elves make everything that I am deserving of.
P.P.S. It's official; I have been unemployed for one full year. Happy anniversary.
As you can tell, it's ambiguous enough where I can't even tell if this girl is hot (I'm leaning towards not). She seems pretty tall, unless she's at the world's smallest drinking fountain. I looked up the name on the WNBA site, but I didn't find her on any of the rosters. Soon after my confirmation of our friendship, I received a private message from her (or more likely a 40 year old who wants to rape me or my computer). Let’s break down the message:
Hey, you know I added you thinking you were this person I used to know.. oops! You are pretty cool though so I guess I'll just tell you a little about me then! I'm Ashley, and I recently relocated here from this tiny town in Canada. I'm the down to earth girl next door type. Im currently taking Salsa dancing class and I totally love to cook, so I suppose it would be fair to label me sorta adventurous. I was trying to attatch more pictures of me but its not letting it go through! Do u have an email I can send my pictures to instead?
Sadly, the signs of illiteracy actually make this more likely to be real, because I have learned that people my age who are supposed to be adults do still type like this. Still, we’ll go bit by bit to see what it’s desired result and actual result happened to be:
Hey, you know I added you thinking you were this person I used to know.. oops! You are pretty cool though so I guess I'll just tell you a little about me then!
Desired Result: Oh, she made an honest mistake, happens to the best of us. I am glad she thinks I’m cool, and I look forward to learning more about her.
Actual Result: Looks like my first inclination of this girl being fake was correct. I wonder if I can turn this into a blog post; it’s at least a p.s. Pretty cool? Come on, Spam messenger, I am extremely cool, don’t insult me. Also, I do not give a shit to learn more about you.
I'm Ashley, and I recently relocated here from this tiny town in Canada.
Desired Result: Wow, Canadians are always nice, and it’s awesome that she’s just located here. Maybe I could show her around.
Actual Result: You moved here? Here being where exactly? You don’t know, because this is being sent out to thousands of people.
I'm the down to earth girl next door type. Im currently taking Salsa dancing class and I totally love to cook, so I suppose it would be fair to label me sorta adventurous.
Desired Result: Man, I could use a nice girl next door type. Girls can be so cruel sometimes. Wow, she can cook for me, and she knows how to dance. She does seem quite adventurous. I never believed in fate before, but maybe her mistakenly thinking I was someone she knew will lead to our passionate love and eventual marriage.
Actual Result: This is probably my favorite part. She is the girl next door type and she’s adventurous. Hence, she appeals to everyone. That’s definitely the best writing in this entire e-mail. I thought there was more brilliant writing in there at first, because I originally read “totally love to cook” as “totally love the cock.” I don’t think this portrays me in a negative light, because it’s really the use of totally. If she just put love to cook, I probably could have read that correctly. But originally, I thought this was the best spam message ever; unfortunately, she does not willingly admit to loving the cock.
I was trying to attatch more pictures of me but its not letting it go through! Do u have an email I can send my pictures to instead?
Desired Result: Damn, I wish she could get those pictures online. I would like to see more of my lover. Wait, she wants to send me the pictures? Love does exist.
Actual Result: Are you fucking retarded? How hard is it to put pictures up on everything? There are five-year olds with Facebook accounts, and I’m sure they can put up pictures on Facebook. Also, I’m pretty sure at least one of my e-mail addresses is on my profile. You looked into how “cool” I was, why didn’t you notice the e-mail address? Sorry, creepy nerd who is doing this, you will not be raping me or my computer.
Before posting this, I decided to check my fake friend's profile. Yep, there are multiple dudes who have not just replied to her message, but actually posted their e-mail on her wall. This dumbass is my favorite:
Frankie Lama Hi Ashley,when I first saw your picture I thought you were someone I onceknew;Alot of these pictures are from a class reunion,on saturday,Im just starting to learn facebook,and Im abit slow with the key board.I would love to give you my Email,you seem like agreat girl.I love music,I used to teach disco dance hustle and... still d,j, parties for family and friends ,Im a big sport fan. my email is mets092760@aol.com
People have become painfully stupid.
-Joe
P.S. Does anybody know anyone besides Ricky Stanzi that has tried out these shoes? They have piqued my interests, and I need to get my list to Santa soon so he has plenty of time to have the elves make everything that I am deserving of.
P.P.S. It's official; I have been unemployed for one full year. Happy anniversary.
No comments:
Post a Comment