This was another rough week at Stanton-Infeld as California’s favorite Dynamic Duo of law dudes again were involved in zero hot tub scenes. Not only this, but they were not even the duo with the most court room shenanigans this week, but we will get to that soon. Also, how do you have a case about a cheese gun and never show the gun made of cheese? I need a visual, people, not a description. Show, don’t tell. Thank God the guys on Suits are still owning fools. Let’s get to the only rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules.
1. Harvey Specter - He is not only playing by his own rules, but he is also right all the time. Sports references? Check, as he compared a man's construction business to the Colts losing Peyton Manning. Bad puns? You bet your ass as he said, "Take it to the bank," as they were heading to the bank. He completely owned the bank lady only to have Jessica tell him to not own the bank lady so he can get business dude on their side. So he agrees to do that, but that was just so he could totally surprise business dude in their meeting by doing the exact opposite of what Jessica told him. He helped a man live the American Dream, hence he deserves to live his dream by being number one in the rankings this week.
2. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN is at it again as he is straight hiring constuction crews to erect a new office for him and giving out free gifts to everyone on staff. Although it may seem like he took a step backwards since he was number one last week, this is actually a feather in his cap as he never even made an appearance in this episode and still ranks this high (I could use a new laptop, HARDMAN, just sayin').
3. Eric Jango - Yes, he may have lost the case, but let's face it, the only reason Franklin and Bash won is the same reason that Kobe and Shaq won all those titles, because they had Rick Fox on their team, and R-Fo doesn't lose. On top of this, he got a chick's phone number in the courthouse. Most importantly, he called a dog as a witness. When Franklin and Bash called shenanigans, he dropped the dog which ran to the young lady. He out shenaniganed Franklin and Bash.
4. Ted Rossi - Although the edge goes to Jango, Rossi provided the best line with, "Jiu jitsu is great for the core."
5. Mike Ross - Mike had a rollercoaster ride this week. He started off strong and was getting after the hot paralegal, Rachel Zane. That earns him a strong Holler for his efforts. Then he turned her down for sex. That is decidedly not Holler. He eventually broke up with her, and I cannot determine the Hollerness of that move until I see his next piece of ass.
6. Louis Litt - Louis really grew on me on this episode. He is such a scumbag, and I respect that. He is basically John Laurinaitis before he became General Manager of Raw. A total company man who has every intention to kiss ass his way to the top. If he ends every message in his dictaphone with "People Power," he will probably end up in the top three.
7. Peter Bash - When I put Bash at #3 in the inaugural rankings, I thought it would be the lowest that Peter would ever fall. This is getting sad. I very nearly put Adam DeMamp ahead of him on these rankings, but the “Franklin And Bash/Suits/Workaholics Small Courts Claim Power Rankings” just seemed like too long of a title. The only positive thing I have to say is this: American Flag Motorcycle Helmet = Ballin.
8. Paul Porter - Yes, he got totally owned, but he got a nice meal and got to play golf with Fred Couples. And although it was never shown, I am guessing HARDMAN gave him a terrific bowtie rack.
9. Jared Franklin - At least he was taller than someone for a change. Seriously, that is all that I have to say about him for this episode. I remember when Franklin wasn't worthless. Please, God, get some ladies in the hot tub, Franklin's ranking depends on it.
10. Damien Karp - He was on a team with Pindar, and Pindar was the better lawyer. But if I can avoid putting Pindar on the list, I am going to do that. Pindar is the wost.
Dropped From Rankings:
Hanna Linden - She went from leading on a case with Karp to taking a backseat to Franklin and Bash. Also, she may have forgotten that she is trying to sabotage them.
Jessica Pearson - Trying to beat out Hardman and only alienating people in the process. Also, Harvey totally owned her despite her being his boss.
Stanton Infeld - The K spot is as believable as a girl's boobs feeling like a bag of sand. Everybody knows women can't enjoy sex. Infeld may be a 70 year old virgin.
That's all for this week.
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