1. Harvey Reginald Specter - Harvey lost Donna, so he responded the only way he knew how. He decided to party in Atlantic City, and when you party in Atlantic City, you gotta wear tuxes. Unfortunately, his boy lost his company, because he sucks at poker. Luckily, Harvey knows all the hot women in Atlantic City, so he can get the information he needs. But then Harvey fucked up by offering up a settlement, which made things go to trial. This would be bad news for regular lawyers, but since Harvey never loses, it really just gives him a chance to show off. Obviously, instead of doing that in court, he decides to play poker for a person's company, because that is completely logical and makes total sense. He doesn't play the odds; he plays the man. He wins in poker in 20 minutes, and then celebrates by nearly making Louis pee his pants.
Speaking of peeing, Harvey peed in Louis's office a while ago and blamed his cat. That cat died last week, probably from the stress of Louis yelling at it. Dude, maybe you took that prank a little too far. Although I disagree with actions that lead to an animal's death, that is definitely a move that can be classified as playing by your own rules.
In the second episode, Harvey totally burned Tanner on his bad tie choice. That is a classic lawyer burn. Harvey then punched him in the face, because Tanner implied that his mother was a whore. You know, just regular, everyday lawyerin'. Harvey needs Donna's help, but she's pretty pissed that he didn't help her out. Ladies have feelings, and Harvey has trouble dealing with all that nonsense. In the end, Harvey got a nice settlement deal and decided to take it after some prodding from Mike Ross.
2. Jessica Pearson - Big props to Jessica for making it to number two on this list. Back in college, she thought it would be hilarious to prank a girl, but it turns out that girl is now a judge and is trying to screw Pearson Hardman. Honestly, Jessica deserves it, since she basically roofied this judge, and then left her naked in the front of a classroom. That seems like somebody should have been charged with a crime there, but whatever. Jessica totally screws the judge over by donating money to her campaign. Judge Lady tried to make Jessica grovel for forgiveness, but Jessica just decided to say that she would totally get her wasted and do it again. It took balls, figuratively, and she used those figurative balls to put Harvey in his place after he gambled a man's company. Great job, Jessica, because that is what you should be doing when lawyers are playing poker instead of lawyering.
In the second episode, Jessica started off slow in the mock trial, but then picked it up when she was able to show that Harvey has a heart. With the help of that momentum, she got Louis to admit that he hated Harvey, but that he knew that Harvey was innocent of the crime, which was cute for the mock trial, but just asking a random coworker whether they think somebody did something probably won't hold up in real court. Oh well, mock court wins are pretty sweet either way. In the end, it turned out to be a big waste of time, because they just settled once Hardman found dirt on Travis Tanner.
3. Daniel Hardman - Hardman is wise, as he gets a settlement for Harvey by blackmailing Travis Tanner. I am not sure what the information was, but I am guessing it dealt with unspeakable relations with dolphins. But then he puts Jessica's managing partner role up to a vote against him, which is just about the most HARDMAN thing that has ever HARDMANed.
Richard Tafflinger - This is just Daniel Hardman with his hair combed in a different way. Different hair means different law firm, so he decides to go to work at Infeld-Daniels so he can cause hell for Franklin and Bash. His only job is to fire people, because he is a bad dude, and he is coming after Franklin and Bash. He got Franklin and Bash all nervous when he pretended to be looking at an important file, but it turns out it was just a magazine. That's classic HARDMAN. He broke Pindar in about 30 seconds, which is 20 seconds longer than it usually takes. He also tries to intimidate Carmen, but that shit don't work, because she's from the streets. In the end, he has to mess up his hair and go back to work at Pearson-Hardman. Still, doing damage on both shows is great hustle.
4. Peter Bash - So, Franklin and Bash tried to win a dead body and lost. Now some dude will forever be dancing. At least they managed to lose the most meaningless case in FandB history. Then the judge reopens the case the next day and win the case with the help of a stuffed bear. On top of that, Bash helped open Hannah's artist friend's eyes to help him realize there is art in everything, even lawyering.
In the second episode, Bash totally calls out Franklin for his questionable love of Emily because she's the enemy. This completely ignores that Bash has made a habit out of falling in love with every girl that is going up against them. Bash then hits on a roller derby girl, because he again forgot that he is dating Janie. Of course, by this point, she may already be buried in the ocean somewhere. Bash helps them win the fraud case, because he is an expert in boob tattoos. Finally, that expertise came in handy. Ah, who am I kidding? It's Franklin and Bash, that probably marked the 100th case that they have won due to Bash's expertise in breast ink.
5. Jared Franklin - The fellas have to stop a dead guy from being posed as a dancer. This, unfortunately, has nothing to do with hot tubs. It does have something to do with this dude actaully being in love with his Salsa instructor, because she was muy caliente. The highlight for Jared was when he totally burned Peter by saying that his girlfriend was a corpse.
The next episode started off with a bang, as Franklin blasts Bash with a t-shirt cannon. Jared could lose his job, so he uses Oreos to seduce the enemy. Franklin reasons with Emily that they couldn't have paid their client to leave town, because, well, uh, because they didn't, and Emily should just, like, believe him. Somehow, that leads to Franklin "bashing" Emily, although she really did the closing with her polygraph trick. Gettin' laid is gettin' laid, so point for Franklin.
6. Louis Litt - Louis goes to the ballet and takes the time to spit some game at Rachel. Bravo. Plus, he met a ballet bigshot, and he is going to help him out with some legal stuff to ensure the dancers' happiness. But he takes a misstep, and then the ballet might get evicted, but it was all because his ballet bigshot, Sergei, lied to Louis and was pocketing cash on the side. So Louis decides to straight up own Sergei to save the ballet. Honestly, he was looking like a straight up baller until Harvey found out about Louis recording him, and then Louis got scurd like a bitch. Not a good way to end things for him.
In the second episode, Louis was really only working to get his catchphrase of "Litt Up" to catch on. I can't blame him, as I often asked ladies of they wanted a "Hot Cup of Joe" when laying the groundwork for my seduction. Louis made Donna cry, which got Harvey pissed until Louis put him in his place by saying it was his fault that she cried. Louis triumphantly left the bathroom without drying his hands. It was like the opposite of the first episode where he didn't do much, but then had his shining moment right at the end. Very impressive work from a man who I assume to be an honorary member of the St. Lunatics.
7. Mike Ross - Mike Ross has to babysit a gambling alcoholic in Atlantic City. He actually came up with a good idea of bringing a bomb to a gun fight, but the biggest thing that he did was find Louis's dictaphone which led to Harvey terrifying Louis.
On the next episode, Mike is forced to switch sides, because Mike is forced to switch sides like every other episode. Mike is going to help Louis win a mock trial, and he is coming after Harvey's integrity hardcore, even getting Rachel to play Donna by repeatedly saying, "I decline to answer." Then he goes to real Donna and guilt trips her into doing what he wants. Donna cries and hates Mike, but she does make some off-handed remark, and it leads Mike to coming up with a great idea which leads to Harvey getting a good settlement from Travis Tanner. He was actually pretty productive, but he mostly played within the rules, which gets you no points in these rankings.
8. Jeffers - We thought he was just a creep, but it turns out he's a lawyer-creep. He became a lawyer, because he was inspired by Infeld. Unfortunately, he spent all of his time in prison getting a law degree instead of learning to shave. Dude, it's not that hard. If you can learn to lawyer, you can learn to handle a Bic.
9. Zooey - She's a sexy British lady who probably banged Harvey at one point. She's getting brought in, because Harvey thinks she is a good jury selector. Although after watching Harvey play poker for a man's company in the previous episode, it may be that he just needs a partner when he challenges Travis to a game of Billiards to decide the case. Unfortunately, no game of pool in this one, but she does guide them to a meaningless victory.
10. Harold - He knows nothing about the ballet, and it screwed him over yet again as Louis could not go to him with his important ballet stuff. After that, he is stuck fetching files for Rachel. I really hope Harold is made a partner before Mike. Nothing against Mike, but I just really root for Harold.
11. Emily Adams - She is the sexy lady who assists in finding people to be fired. Emily loves Oreos. After eating these Oreos, she seduced Franklin. No word on whether they will bury her body before the final episode, but I am guessing that we will never see her again. Oh, Emily, you were a cute brunette, but at least Franklin can't terrorize you in the afterlife.
12. Damien Karp - Karp decided to strong-arm the dude suspected of harrassing Infeld, but he just got some dirt on his shoes. He then got Carmen to help, because they didn't want to hire another actor to play an investigator, and she needed something to do. Then Damien gets scolded by the judge for sending some roughniks to mess with Jeffers. Playing by your own rules and losing is not cool, so that is why he is so low on these rankings. Also, he was put in charge of defending Franklin and Bash, but got fired after about two minutes. Tough week for Karp.
13. Black Lawyer Lady - Sorry for not catching your name, lady. She deserves this spot for totally owning Franklin and Bash on the dead body case, but then the guys won, because they brought a stuffed bear. Props win law cases, so she really dropped the ball by not bringing in her nephew's action figure collection.
14. Stanton Infeld - Someone is trying to kill Stanton, but he has it under control. Damien gave him all of the cases that Stanton has lost, and it contained two folders. One was a bank robbery where the guy just left prison. We saw him lose his other case when Pindar's doctor went to jail. I feel like Damien either missed a lot of cases, or Infeld isn't actually a lawyer. Yeah, it's definitely the latter.
The second episode started with Stanton being starlted from bed, where we find that he has roofied two to three women (we never see the third, so it may have been a figment of his imagination). Someone please put this man in prison. Stanton hates Tefflinger, and they definitely foreshadowed a future lawyer war between the two. My money is on Tefflinger, mostly because he able to legally practice law, which cannot possibly be the case for Infeld.
15. Bad Guy Energy Lawyer Dude - He used Harvey's words against him, and Harvey wanted to kill him for that, because he is the one who is supposed to be doing that to crappy lawyers. Then he let his client play poker to win a company, and that did not work out well for them.
16. Travis Tanner - He has one goal, get rid of Harvey, so he can become the best lawyer with quaffed hair in all the land. Then he gets punched in the face and gives himself a point, because he often plays the game face-to-fist, and he just scored. Unfortunately, Tanner settled with the firm, because he apparently did something shady in his past. My guess stands that he had sex with a water-bound mammal.
17. Hanna Linden - Hanna apparently dates guys who wear some sort of jean shirt/jacket, but not if they make less money than her. Ladies got to have standards. But seriously, in the dead body case, she never interacted with their client. She just sat there and smiled in the courtroom. It was just to give her an excuse to be at the courthouse, because she is a woman and can't have a case on her own. Please, give this woman her own case. She needs a chance to shine.
18. Ted Phillips - Harvey never tried to sleep with him; sorry, Ted.
19. Tammy's Nerd Lawyer - Such a nerd. He got totally outlawyered, because of his lack of knowledge of boobs. Feeling up sandbags doesn't count, nerd.
20. Pindar Singh - Gets boners when polygraphing himself. I'm not making that up.
Well, I am now at 2500 words, so I will leave you with that until next week, which should be much shorter since Franklin and Bash are taking this week off before their big finale.
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