Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings: Week 6

In the world of Franklin and Bash, they started off with a bang, as the episode starts off with a sexy party at the law office. Sexy parties do not involve girls with glasses, but they do involve former strippers Then the Military ladies start talking in their crazy Navy slang, and obviously nobody knows what they are talking about. Even military ladies are sexy in the world of Franklin and Bash.

In the world of Suits, there was drama, drama, and a goodbye to Donna. That is not nearly as fun, so FandB take the top spot for this week. Check out last week's rankings here. Now onto this week's rankings:

1. Peter Bash - These guys are winging their guns around like they are gangstaz from the streets, and their aim is impeccable. They missed one shot and they were barely glancing at the targets. Peter totally called a bad guy a "Jag Off...icer." Excellent zinger, Mr. Bash. Then it turns out Captain Gina Vaughn has been trying to screw over the other ladies. Bash compares the white lady to George Washington, because he also screamed during battle. Seriously, that fight video is hilarious. Those ladies are throwing round house kicks, punching people with so much force that they go flying ten feet backwards. And throughout the entire video, the white girl just keeps screaming like a lunatic. Those five seconds were better than the entire UFC 149 card this past weekend. In the end, they got their clients charged with mutiny to get Captain Vaughn to confess to setting the whole thing up. Because she will gladly disgrace herself at the last minute. Franklin and Bash are the best lawyers ever.

2. Harvey Specter - Harvey tried to make sure a family got no money by trashing their dead husband/son in court. So now he is going to charm their pants off so they will drop a lawsuit. Allison thought this was an awful idea, which obviously made Harvey ignore her advice and speed right over there. The ladies were not happy, so that definitely backfired. That plan kept biting him in the ass. Also, by far the funniest thing about this episode is Harvey casually admitting that he is Michael Jordan's lawyer. 

3. Alyssa Powers - She's a sexy lady. She worked at the Mermaid Lounge in the champagne room, because she, of course, is the one stripper, who is actually only doing it to pay her way through school. She knows Damien, because he's a gentleman when he goes to the Mermaid Lounge. Powers did most of the game spitting at Karp and convinced him that she was going to go to a different firm so they could bang with no consequences. Then, after the sex, she is all like, "Hey, maybe I'll stay at Infeld Daniels and do family law. Cool beans." She really threw Karp for a loop on that one. Then she screwed the pooch on a real estate deal, so Karp has to fire her. But wait, she actually didn't screw the pooch, some nerd with glasses did, so she is now getting offered a full-time position. She loves the sex so she turns down the high paying gig at Infeld Daniels to take a lower offer so she can still date Karp. Lady lawyers who used to be strippers have a very tough time finding suitable bachelors, so this was a very wise decision on Alyssa's part. Had she not made that decision, she probably would have been number one, because she actually asserted herself, which is usually something only a man does in these shows. Still, good work Alyssa. Let's hope you have a better fate than Bash's Lady Cop.

4. Jared Franklin - They are competing against Commander Puckett. Franklin totally called him Commander Suck It. YES! That is a burn, but if anybody said that about my favorite baseball player growing up who shared that same last name, I would end their life. Kirby is sacred. Jared is thinking outside the box to try to get Captain Vaughn to make a misstep. Luckily, he has YouTube on his side where Vaughn takes about women being weak. Little known fact, 90% of lawyering happens on YouTube.

5. Mike Ross - Mike totally called out Donna. Nobody has ever called out Donna in the history of the universe. Then he makes Donna do the right thing, because him not being a real lawyer is not as bad as signing documents. That leads to drama, and Donna losing her job, so nice job, dickface. Then Mike finds out that the tennis player is getting physically abused by his father, but it turns out that was just a ploy by the agent. Mike finds out in time and does the right thing. Still, his biggest contribution on this episode may have been spilling coffee to save Harvey from committing perjury.

6. Damien Karp - Damien has a crush on a summer associate. It turns out that she was just this stripper he knew. We find out about him going to strip clubs, but he was always a gentleman. This bothered me, as it was way more fun to hate Karp and see an occasional decent quality out of him. Now, he is primarily a good guy, who occasionally realizes he hates Franklin and Bash. Karp acts like a bumbling fool, but then totally gives Powers his "power" in the backseat of her car. He promptly apologizes for the meal bloating him so he wasn't showing as much abs as usual. Then, he saves his new lady's job, so he doesn't have a guilty conscience. He played by her rules, so there is no way I can put him in the top five for that.

7. Hanna Linden - She was a JAG. That show was awful. It paled in comparison to Pensacola: Wings of Gold. Hanna is actually helping out Franklin and Bash, but then she goes back to her office to show that she has 52 pages of dirt on Franklin and Bash. Why is she helping then? In the end, she shows that she has a soft spot for them by deleting her Franklin and Bash scandals file. I honestly hope that she would make that public, because that may be the best 52 pages of anything written ever.

8. Jessica Pearson - Jessica took me for a rollercoaster ride. She lost major points for searching for a settlement. But then, when she finds out that the plea deal means that Harvey is gone, she changes her tune. She plays to win, so she will defend Harvey since she believes in him. She put Hardman in his place and asserted herself as top dog in the office. Nice work, toots.

9. Commander Puckett - I love how every lawyer that Franklin and Bash compete against completely underestimates Franklin and Bash. Franklin and Bash have not lost a meaningful case in two years, maybe you should give them a little respect at this point. But, no, Commander Puckett is supremely confident that he is going to take these civilian nerds to military school. He promptly loses.

10. Stanton Infeld - Best Infeld lie of the episode was that he met the son of Jack the Ripper, whose name was also Jack. He also approves of parties with the summer associates. Stanton did at least win a case for Pindar by being annoying.

Honorable Mention:

Louis Litt - Louis is a cat person, which is not shocking at all. Unfortunately, his cat died right as he introduced it to the world. At least he got a signed tennis ball out of the deal.

Daniel Hardman - Daniel totally reams Harvey for being reckless. But then gets owned by Jessica, because she ain't taking shit from nobody. With this weak performance, Hardman does not deserve to be in all caps this week.

Allison - She has lost three cases in 14 years, which makes her the worst lawyer that has ever been on one of these shows. But she insults Jessica's dress, so she gets hired. Then she goes toe-to-toe with Donna, and it turns out all of her questions are randomly right on, but Donna doesn't take shit from people, so she just leaves, because lawsuits are boring. Then she wants the firm to cut Harvey loose, and that is all it takes to lose your job with Pearson Hardman. She didn't play to win, so there was no choice but to put her in with the honorable mentions.

Harold - Poor Harold is getting abused, because he can't handle Louis's cats. Don't worry; he will definitely be sexing Rachel soon enough.

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