2019 WWE Brawl For All: Eric Bischoff vs. Oney Lorcan

Guys, I have been waiting four weeks to reveal my first pick, and I am so excited to do so. Let's get to it.

Joe’s #1 Eric Bischoff vs. Jonah’s #8 Oney Lorcan

Joe: Jonah clearly messed up by not taking the baddest man in the WWE and going with a big bad wrestler instead of a man who could kick somebody’s head off their shoulders. That’s right, with my first pick, I took Eric Bischoff, who Jonah did dispute for a while but allowed it since he is with Smackdown and not involved in any real storyline. This tournament was made for Bischoff as he would easily kick Lorcan’s head right off his shoulders. 

I mean, do I really need to say more, or can I stretch out his accolades until he needs them in round two?

Jonah: So slight problem here Joe, kicks aren’t allowed in Brawl For It All. If they were Steve Blackman would have won the first tournament with a total match time of 15 seconds instead of injuring himself. Bischoff is a legitimate martial artist so his striking is probably above average and surprisingly good for a guy who has portrayed a GM and an announcer. For fun’s sake I’d like to just give Bischoff a pass to get destroyed in the second round, but if we’re trying to do this semi realistically, I think legitimate tough guy Oney Lorcan would certainly give Bischoff a run for his money. There’s also the problem where I don’t know if Bischoff is good at the type of karate that looks cool but doesn’t do much in a real fight and the fact that he’s in his 60’s.

Joe: Jonah, Eric Bischoff is a little like Cro Cop. Where Cro Cop had a left leg and right leg, for Bischoff, it’s, “Punches, Hospital...Kicks, Morgue.” Thank God kicks aren’t allowed, because I really like Oney Lorcan, and I’m sure his family does too. 

And don’t discount karate, Bischoff is basically a rich man’s Lyoto Machida when it comes to the martial art. Bischoff may be a bit older, but I think he can use his guile to land quick strikes without taking damage.

Jonah: If he gets too cocky Lorcan definitely seems like the kind of guy who would take advantage of that and murder him.

Joe: The Oney way Lorcan wins is if he brings a gun. As far as I can tell, those are banned which makes Bischoff the easy winner, and in my eyes, the absolute favorite to win the whole thing.

Jonah: For pure insanity’s sake, sure Bischoff wins via points. He also runs out of the ring after the fight before Oney grabs him and murders him.

Joe: A win's a win.

1st Round
Akam vs. Curtis Axel
Jason Jordan vs. Shelton Benjamin
Heath Slater vs. No Way Jose
Rezar vs. Luke Harper

I Wish WWE Treated Legends Like NJPW

The New Japan Tag League is one of their least impressive tournaments. NJPW really shines when it comes to single matches, but tag matches are often treated as filler, and even though these matches were better than filler, most are designed to further a story rather than give you a memorable moment. Still, there were many takeaways from the tournament in setting up Wrestle Kingdom, but maybe my biggest takeaway was the difference in how NJPW and WWE treat their legends.

In short, old dudes look like old dudes and they get absolutely owned. They have true legends like Nakanishi and Nagata teaming up while Tenzan teamed up with Kojima. Although these names probably aren't well known to American fans, these dudes are legitimate legends in Japanese wrestling.

Nakanishi won the World Title once and was a tag champion three times. Nagata won the World Title twice and the tag titles twice. It should also be noted that someone really hates Yuji Nagata as the man also had two MMA fights. He fought Fedor Emelianenko and Cro Cop. They literally called Cro Cop, "The Pro Wrestling Hunter" when he was announced to the crowd. It was awesome.

And this is nothing compared to Hiroyoshi Tenzan who won the World Title four times and the tag titles TWELVE times. Kojima won the World Title twice and the tag titles seven times.

Dudes just get their asses handed to them. There were 14 teams in the tournament, and these teams finished 11th and 13th respectively. Oh, and I should also mention that the last place team was made up of young boys who NEVER win matches and went 0-13 in the tournament. Tenzan and Kojima finished ahead of one legitimate team, although legitimate is a term I use loosely as it had one legend in Togi Makabe teaming with Toa Henare who was not good enough to win the C Block Championship at the G1 this year. Legends get respect in Japan, but they certainly don't get wins.

Now how much better would WWE be if they incorporated the same philosophy? Instead of legends kicking ass, they would rightly get their over-the-hill asses kicked. Wouldn't wrestling be better if the following two scenarios played out?

I would love a world where Kane and The Undertaker tagged up and got actually taken to the woodshed by Lucha House Party, and people were legitimately surprised if they got a rollup win against The Ascension.

Wouldn't it be better if Triple H tagged up with Shawn Michaels just to get absolutely ragdolled by The B Team, and then you would actually be excited when they used their veteran guile to overcome The Singh Brothers.

You can't tell me that this alternate reality wouldn't be better than the one we are currently living in. And if you're asking, the answer is yes, this is just a long-winded way of saying Undertaker and DX have always sucked, and I will never understand their appeal. Kane is actually pretty decent, but all those old farts should be treated like New Japan's former stars, but probably leave out the part where they are forced into shoot fights against the best fighters of this generation, because Jon Jones would LITERALLY murder Undertaker and prove that you can kill what's already dead.