Thursday, September 22, 2016

The 6 Most Offensive Things Groupon Recommended To Me

Since I have purchased a Groupon in the past, I get emails every day from Groupon with different deals and recommendations. Usually, I delete these without even taking a second glance, and honestly, I should just report it as Spam, as I'm going to look at Groupon when I need something, not make an impulse buy, because I can get two Big Macs for the price of one. Anyway, the other day, Groupon did a hell of a job and actually made me read the email by offering a Groupon that caught my eye. We'll get to that one later, because when I opened the email, I realized that none of these Groupons had any inkling of value to someone like me. So, without further adieu, here are the six most offensive things that Groupon recommended to me.

6. $299 for Laser Toenail Fungus Removal
This one is the lowest on the list, just because I am a dirty individual. I do not have toenail fungus, but I could understand how the world might assume I did. Still, even if I did, ain't no way I'm paying $300 to get rid of it. Instead, I would tell each foot's fungus about how the other foot's fungus was talking shit, and then they would have a turf war and destroy each other, leaving my toenails fungus free.

5. $139 for Botox
I did just turn 32 years old. But I'm a dude, which means I'm just going to get more and more sexy as time goes on. My hairline is strong, my body is tight, so any wrinkle I get is a gift. They're basically sex wrinkles.

4. 68% off Spider Vein Treatments
There were a lot of beauty treatments that I didn't understand, so I chose this one to be representative of all of them, as I have no clue what spider veins are. I mean, if it was like Peter Parker and meant that I could shoot webbing out of my hands, then I would very much like this treatment. Unfortunately, I think it's closer to Botox for your legs. My legs are pristine, Groupon should know that.

3. $99 STD Test
This was the one that caught my eye in the title of the email. Basically, because I wasn't sure if it was an STD test or some other test that I wasn't aware of that had really unfortunate emails. I've never had to invest in an STD test, because I keep my guy clean. Now even though that was almost entirely due to lack of opportunity to dirty my guy, it still counts as me being a responsible adult. But now I've got a wife, Groupon, so even if I had been a dirty boy, it's a little late in the game for this one.

2. $199 Breast Pump
I do not have breasts; I don't know how I would use this device without that essential part of the anatomy. This is also an advanced breast pump, and I very much think I should have a novice, and possibly even a beginner breast pump if I were trying to milk my dry nipples.

1. 59% off Puddle of Mudd Concert
This was by far the most offensive thing that was suggested for me. Puddle of Mudd sucks in such an immense way that I cannot believe they are still a band, much less touring for paying customers. Quick, name your favorite Puddle of Mudd song. A-ha, that was a trick question as all Puddle of Mudd songs suck. You could take 100% off these tickets, and I wouldn't go see them. Come on, Groupon, get your shit together.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

CM Punk Wasn't Brave for Fighting in the UFC

Since I love MMA and pro wrestling, this whole CM Punk fight has been right in my wheelhouse. I honestly don't think he embarrassed himself. There have been plenty of people who have gotten steamrolled in the UFC, and it does not only include crappy fighers. I mean, Cub Swanson is a top featherweight, and it took Jose Aldo seven seconds to take him out.

Oh yeah, and Jose Aldo, likely the greatest featherweight fighter in history, after months of shit talk from his opponent, got knocked out in 13 seconds against Conor McGregor. So, no, I don't think CM Punk embarrassed himself by getting destroyed in two minutes.

Still, CM Punk is not a UFC level fighter. Honestly, I'm not even sure if Mickey Gall is a UFC fighter. Still, that's no reason to shit on Punk.

But let's also slow down on the opposite end for people praising CM Punk for his guts and determination. Is it brave to get your ass kicked? Well, kind of, but in that sense, bravery is just another word for stupidity. But I'm not about to call CM Punk stupid, because he got a guaranteed half a million dollars for this, and I wouldn't be surprised if there was another million dollars coming his way. At that point, it'd be stupid not to fight.

I mean, can you think of a single guy you know that wouldn't take $500,000 to get their ass kicked? I mean, it would be one thing if you said they were getting in a street fight, but this is sanctioned. I wouldn't even need two years to train, as I'd be willing to walk in there this weekend. It's 500 grand, just to get my ass kicked. I'd be stupid not to do it. I was thinking about it, and I'd likely take a tenth of that money. 50 grand for an ass kicking is still a really great day.

And if I get to pick my opponent? $10,000, and I'd pick John Dodson who used to beat me up a bunch back in the day, so he'd take it easy on me. If I can't know the person, Demian Maia, because he would go for the takedown and gently put in a choke to make me tap or fall asleep. I could go out for drinks afterwards, and I bet Demian Maia would go out drinking with me. It'd be a pretty pleasant experience overall.

So, Dana White, I am looking for a fight, just bring that checkbook. Because at CM Punk prices, it's not brave to do it, it'd just be stupid not to do it.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

CM Punk's Next UFC Opponent

CM Punk got his ass kicked on Saturday night, and it's pretty clear that he is not a UFC-level fighter. Hey, the guy did become one of the best wrestlers in the world, and more importantly, he married AJ Lee, so I'm not going to be shedding a tear for him anytime soon. Still, I will defend the guy, as even though he shouldn't be fighting in the UFC, he's not the worst to fight in the UFC.

I mean, let's just look at the early UFCs. He could definitely take out some of those guys. I mean, Steve Jennum won UFC 3, and I would take CM Punk to win in a fight against him. You don't remember Jennum, the man to end Royce Gracie's reign of UFC titles by coming in as an alternate in the finals after both Gracie and Shamrock dropped out? Well, he did, and he's the UFC 3 Champion, so if CM Punk had a time machine and incredible luck, he also could have become a UFC Champion.

And that brings up a great point. Since CM Punk wants a second fight in the UFC, the question becomes who does he face next? Well, I just mentioned the perfect opponent. No, not Steve Jennum, but instead, another man who has dabbled in pro wrestling, the World's Most Dangerous Man, Ken Shamrock.

I mean, it's perfect. Everybody can't stop complaining about how awful CM Punk is, and everybody can't stop complaining about how badly Ken Shamrock looks the last 11 times he's fought (so yes, for more than a decade). Yes, Shamrock is a bit larger than Punk, but Shamrock was down to 201 for the Gracie fight, and I'm pretty sure he could cut at least five more pounds with his build. You could even make it a retirement match, which may mean that the loser is the real winner, but still. I guess the winner can fight UFC Flyweight Champion, Demetrious Johnson. Not for the belt, obviously, but if you're saying you wouldn't want to see Mighty Mouse fly around the cage picking apart a man with 50-75 pounds on him, then I don't know why you watch fighting at all.

If it's a draw? Well, that's the best result of all. Handicap match where Shamrock and Punk team up to take on Brock Lesnar with maximum steroids.

Basically, I miss Pride, and I want the freakshow matches to return.

Monday, September 12, 2016

The Idiot's Guide to Buying a House

This is definitely not our house.

My wife and I (and pup dog) bought a house. Buying a house sounds like an easy thing to do. You give someone money; they give you a house. We're a little late to the game on this, but we've moved around quite a bit, and there has never been a place where we wanted to stay. I'm from Davenport, Iowa, but we certainly weren't going to live through those cold ass winters. Then we moved to Bradenton, Florida and it was fine, but people drive like 20 MPH below the speed limit at all times. I think it's because they're close to death, and they're just trying to bring everyone else a little bit closer with them.

Finally, we moved to Clearwater, Florida. It's where Hulk Hogan lives, and if it's good enough for the most awesome power in the world, Hulkamania, then it's certainly good enough for us.

Still, that does not mean this was a quick and easy process. We rented for a year so we could better discover whether the Hulkster had it right. I mean, what if Ultimate Warrior had it right and we needed to move to Middle of Nowhere, New Mexico? But although Hogan hasn't mastered his opinion on race relations, after a year, we knew that he had some pretty damn good ideas on real estate.

So the search began for us, and really, it began for my wife. She was my pitbull, which was necessary, since my dog, as a Weimaraner, is not a pitbull in any way. She was searching all of the information, and she was going to open houses every weekend to see what neighborhoods she liked and didn't like. She made me sit down with her to decide what our "must-haves" and "wish lists" were so we could be fully prepared when our lease w was set to expire. She had a full printed out sheet of all of these things as well as pictures of design items that she liked in houses. Our realtor told her she was the most prepared person he had ever dealt with.

But even with this sort of preparation on our (really, her) part, this was by no means a smooth process when we finally got to the part of looking at houses. We went to about a half dozen houses early on, but all of those had major drawbacks that didn't excite us. After that, we got more picky about what we were going to check out, and we really didn't look at houses for a few weeks. It was also at this point where we started to make irrational decisions.

You know that "must-have" list that we came up with together. During this dark period, my wife was willing to bend on half of the things that we supposedly must have. That dumb broad beautiful angel wanted a house.

I was not innocent in this matter either, as I would casually say that we should start looking at houses in different areas or because she wanted to bend in one aspect of the house, maybe we could bend on a different aspect, even though I did no research, and I was just throwing ideas out of my ass, because my thought is always that doing something is better than nothing. This is not the case when that something drives your wife crazy and makes her want to smack you.

So, yeah, the dark period was not a great time in house hunting.

But then, late on a Thursday night, it happened. A house popped up. A nice house. A really nice house. It was slightly more than we would have liked to spend, but certainly not something that we couldn't afford. Also, it was just down the road from the park where Casey The Dog and I drive to so we can throw her ball and play basketball together (Air Bud is a glory pup who is all about offense; Casey is a gritty defender who does what it takes to win, just sayin'). This house had a lot of appealing characteristics.

We took a tour, and we knew. This was the house for us, but we also knew that it was priced high. We sent in an offer that night, they barely countered. We sent another counter offer, they decided to wait on it. Finally, they gave another offer, and we decided that a few thousand dollars shouldn't stop us from getting this house, especially since every month we pay our monthly rent, that's just thousands of dollars that could be going into a house. We got it for less than it was listed, so we felt good, especially because we finally had a house.

Well, not exactly.

Buying a house ain't easy, so now you've got a ton of paperwork to do. The bank will not just hand you six figures and be cool about you paying them back when you have a chance. Instead, they make you fill out form after form and send in every bit of personal information. Even though we got pre-approved, we needed to update everything that we had sent them a month and a half earlier. Since I watch too much television, I constantly think people are trying to screw us over in some way, so I question everything. I know I question way too much, because the people we got our loan from had no idea how to explain things that I was questioning. On top of that, our realtor gave us a bunch of things to sign. My bank could easily steal my identity, but now my identity is tied to a giant debt to the bank, so I think I'm safe.

And then there's the inspection. Do I need to get the 4-point inspection? What about wind inspection? Termites? Shit, man, give me the deluxe package, because I'd rather get screwed out of an extra $50 than find out we have four-pointed wind termites later on. After all of that, apparently, I should have gone cheap, because all that was found was a few outlets that weren't working. That was not a dealbreaker for us.

After that, there's a damn appraisal, and appraisals are a very big deal. An appraiser comes in the house and sets a valuation. If it's high, no big deal, everything is good to go, but if it's low, that creates major drama. The bank will only give a loan to cover what the house is appraised at, so if you agreed to pay a million for the house (Note: We are nowhere near baller enough to consider this pricing option), but it only gets appraised at $900,000, you either have to come up with $100,000 cash, or you need to renegotiate with the seller where you can compromise on a price. The latter seems to be the easier thing to do, as if the house only gets appraised for a certain price, then that is what the seller would have to sell for since it will only get appraised at that price down the road if they want to put it back on the market.

Oh, but that is only if appraisals make sense, and appraisals do not need to make sense. Appraisals can vary wildly from one appraiser to another, because there does not seem to be any actual method of appraising homes. In my imaginary scenario, they can vary by hundreds of thousands of dollars, and even in my price range, they can vary by five figures. Oh, and the owners are there for the appraisal, and they can influence what the appraiser thinks on the price. It's kind of insane.

We were kind of hoping for slightly lower than our asking price, to maybe save some cash but not too low and have the whole deal blow up in our faces. But, probably fortunately, the appraisal came right in at our offer price, so we would not be getting any deal, but we also wouldn't have to deal with any drama.

Finally, we had all of the big stuff done. All that was necessary was to sign the final papers, oh, and for the people to move their shit out of our house, which apparently took them three weeks. They already had another house that they were primarily living in, but they were just lazy and took their sweet time in actually moving their stuff out.

We finally got to just a few days before closing and nobody communicated anything to us about wiring the money for the down payment. That was odd, so I followed up. No response. Finally, our mortgage lender gave me a super high number that I could wire to the title company but said they would have the final number the day before the closing. The day before the closing they completely went dark again and gave me no information. Finally, our realtor found out the final costs and where to send it that night.

Of course this would come back to bite us in the ass. We signed the paperwork at 11:00 AM. The owners of the house did not show up, so we literally had zero interaction with the people that we bought the house from. We got the paperwork all done, but still no wire transfer since nobody told me what to do in the days before the transfer, which was neat. The movers called and said they could be ready early. The internet guy called and said he could be ready early, but since we couldn't get a wire transfer, we couldn't be ready.

So we went back to our shithole rental and waited. We should have been ready to go by 1:00 PM. Instead, we waited, hour after hour, for the damn wire to clear. It was especially home when one of the ladies at the title company told me that she didn't want to wait around until 5:00 (you know, and do her job), because she wanted to go back to her home. I assured her that I wanted to go to my new home just as badly as she wanted to cut out of work early.

Finally, after three hours of waiting, I saw the money leave my bank account and started driving towards the title place so I can get the keys and we could move in. At that point, I had only seen the house for about 10-15 minutes 40 days ago. It was just our quick walk through, and then my wife saw it a few other times, but I didn't. I made the biggest purchase of my life off of a 10-minute walkthrough, and then hoped for the best from then on. I was really hoping it didn't suck, and luckily it did not. I was anxious to get our stuff inside. Of course, since nothing can move quickly, the movers turned out to be the slowest movers ever, as it took them nearly five hours when the last moving company we hired only took three hours to move us, and there was an hour drive in between as opposed to 15 minutes.

By the time everything got moved in, I didn't even have the energy to jump in the pool, but at least Casey The Dog did as she was busy doing dive bombs after her toys and then not understanding the value of stairs when exiting the pool.

The next morning, I woke up at 4:30 AM to fly across the country for work for four days. By the time I got back there was a family of four squatters living in our house (my wife's friend and her family). I like them all, but man was I happy to see them leave so I could finally walk around naked in my house without having to worry about scarring small children with a traumatic dong sighting.

Honestly, house buying isn't exciting; it's more of a relief. I really like the house, which is good, because I really don't want to do this again. 

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Every Genius Pick I Made In My 2016 Fantasy Football Draft

My fantasy football draft has come and gone, and I am ready for yet another stellar season. I got the seventh pick in the draft, which is usually a spot of dread, but I made the most of the situation and managed to basically nail every possible selection I made. Even though my drafting is thorough, the naming of my team is not, as I am Return of the Mac for the third year in a row, because I drafted Jeremy Maclin three years ago but haven't had him on my team since. So, that explains that. Onto the picks that will undoubtedly lead me to an undefeated fantasy season.

ROUND 1
1 Antonio Brown, Pit WR Charles In Charge
2 Todd Gurley, LA RB baby seals and puppies
3 Julio Jones, Atl WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
4 Odell Beckham Jr., NYG WR Ruby's Roosters
5 DeAndre Hopkins, Hou WR Trouser Trouts
6 Adrian Peterson, Min RB Fart Gamblers
7 Ezekiel Elliott, Dal RB   Return of the Mac
8 David Johnson, Ari RB Panty Bandits
9 Rob Gronkowski, NE TE The Calms Of Death
10 Lamar Miller, Hou RB Shortbus Superheroes
11 A.J. Green, Cin WR Deal With It
12 Allen Robinson, Jax WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers

Who I Wanted: Todd Gurley
I knew I pretty much had no chance at getting Todd Gurley, but it would have been really nice had I gotten him. I think he’s the most talented back in the league, and the only guy who is even close is Le’Veon Bell. Gurley had another year to heal from his knee injury, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he looked significantly better this year, and he wasn’t too shabby last year.

Who I Got: Ezekiel Elliott
I was ready to pounce on whoever fell, praying that it wouldn’t be Adrian Peterson. Elliott isn’t the most talented back in the world. Honestly, if he came out in this upcoming draft, I would only take him third after Leonard Fournette and Dalvin Cook. But he’s still really good, and he is in about the best possible position for a running back. Romo being out hurts, but Prescott can threaten a bit with his legs which can also open up opportunities for running backs, so I think he’s going to be just fine this year.

ROUND 2
13 Le'Veon Bell, Pit RB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
14 Devonta Freeman, Atl RB Deal With It
15 LeSean McCoy, Buf RB Shortbus Superheroes
16 Dez Bryant, Dal WR The Calms Of Death
17 Eddie Lacy, GB RB Panty Bandits
18 Doug Martin, TB RB   Return of the Mac
19 Brandon Marshall, NYJ WR Fart Gamblers
20 Mark Ingram, NO RB Trouser Trouts
21 Jordy Nelson, GB WR Ruby's Roosters
22 Jonathan Stewart, Car RB AwesomeSugar Omelet
23 Alshon Jeffery, Chi WR baby seals and puppies
24 Jamaal Charles, KC RB Charles In Charge

Who I Wanted: Le’Veon Bell, Eddie Lacy
I knew Le’Veon wasn’t happening, so then I decided I would buy into the hype and think that Eddie Lacy is actually going to stay in shape this year. In hindsight, maybe it was a blessing that he didn’t fall to me.

Who I Got: Doug Martin
The Muscle Hamster. I don’t know how I feel about this pick either. None of the receivers really stood out for me, so I figured I would get two running backs that will get the bulk of the carries for their teams. I like Tampa Bay to improve this year as a team, but I am a little hesitant on Martin for regression purposes. But the added benefit is that I will get to root for the hometown team down here in Florida, so I guess that’s nice.

ROUND 3
25 Marvin Jones, Det WR Charles In Charge
26 Aaron Rodgers, GB QB baby seals and puppies
27 Matt Forte, NYJ RB AwesomeSugar Omelet
28 Mike Evans, TB WR Ruby's Roosters
29 Keenan Allen, SD WR Trouser Trouts
30 Cam Newton, Car QB Fart Gamblers
31 Sammy Watkins, Buf WR   Return of the Mac
32 Julian Edelman, NE WR Panty Bandits
33 Latavius Murray, Oak RB The Calms Of Death
34 Russell Wilson, Sea QB Shortbus Superheroes
35 Jeremy Langford, Chi RB Deal With It
36 Amari Cooper, Oak WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers

Who I Wanted: Sammy Watkins
I also think pretty highly of Mike Evans this year, but I have an undeniable affinity for Sammy Watkins as he produced the single most dominant receiving performance I have ever seen in person when he tore up Ohio State at the Orange Bowl a few years ago. I will never be able to get that performance out of my head. And he built a connection with Tyrod Taylor as the season went on, so if he can stay healthy, he could put up DeAndre Hopkins numbers on a bad offense. I love you, Sammy.

Who I Got: Sammy Watkins
Hooray!

Bonus Thought: Best Moment of the Draft
By far the best moment of the draft was Charles in Charge running out of time and having autopick make his selection for him That selection was Marvin Jones, who apparently he put at the top of his queue so he would remember to take him before somebody else did. Well, no need to worry about that, because he was drafted eight rounds before anyone else was considering him. God bless, autopick.

ROUND 4
37 T.Y. Hilton, Ind WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
38 Andrew Luck, Ind QB Deal With It
39 Jeremy Maclin, KC WR Shortbus Superheroes
40 Jarvis Landry, Mia WR The Calms Of Death
41 Tom Brady, NE QB Panty Bandits
42 Brandin Cooks, NO WR   Return of the Mac
43 C.J. Anderson, Den RB Fart Gamblers
44 Jeremy Hill, Cin RB Trouser Trouts
45 Thomas Rawls, Sea RB Ruby's Roosters
46 Demaryius Thomas, Den WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
47 Randall Cobb, GB WR baby seals and puppies
48 DeMarco Murray, Ten RB Charles In Charge

Who I Wanted: Doug Baldwin
Baldwin was a guy that I targeted heavily before the draft, so I was really just hoping he would fall to me in Round 4 to get a top receiver in an offense that I think is going to throw the ball a lot. I didn’t even really consider that Brandin Cooks would fall that far, but he kept falling and falling, and I couldn’t pass up that sort of value.

Who I Got: Brandin Cooks
So, yeah, I took Cooks, another top receiver in an offense that I know is going to throw the ball a whole bunch. I mean, after I took Sammy Watkins in Round 3, the only receiver that I would have considered before Cooks was Amani Cooper, and even that is a toss up for me.

ROUND 5
49 Carlos Hyde, SF RB Charles In Charge
50 Matt Jones, Wsh RB baby seals and puppies
51 Ben Roethlisberger, Pit QB AwesomeSugar Omelet
52 Jordan Reed, Wsh TE Ruby's Roosters
53 Melvin Gordon, SD RB Trouser Trouts
54 Greg Olsen, Car TE Fart Gamblers
55 Doug Baldwin, Sea WR   Return of the Mac
56 Larry Fitzgerald, Ari WR Panty Bandits
57 Ryan Mathews, Phi RB The Calms Of Death
58 Tavon Austin, LA WR Shortbus Superheroes
59 Eric Decker, NYJ WR Deal With It
60 Carson Palmer, Ari QB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers

Who I Wanted: Still Doug Baldwin
I may have also considered Carlos Hyde had he still been there, because Chip Kelly’s offense is pretty appealing for 49ers running backs.

Who I Got: Doug Baldwin
Well, that worked out nicely. As I said, I’m pretty high on Doug Baldwin, and the first five rounds got me starters at both running back positions, both receivers, and a flex. Since tight ends and quarterbacks can be had in later rounds, this was a pretty ideal run for me to start out the draft.

ROUND 6
61 Donte Moncrief, Ind WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
62 Jay Ajayi, Mia RB Deal With It
63 Travis Kelce, KC TE Shortbus Superheroes
64 Golden Tate, Det WR The Calms Of Death
65 Jordan Matthews, Phi WR Panty Bandits
66 Drew Brees, NO QB   Return of the Mac
67 DeSean Jackson, Wsh WR Fart Gamblers
68 Delanie Walker, Ten TE Trouser Trouts
69 Arian Foster, Mia RB Ruby's Roosters
70 Michael Floyd, Ari WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
71 Kelvin Benjamin, Car WR baby seals and puppies
72 Eli Manning, NYG QB Charles In Charge

Who I Wanted: Drew Brees
Since I needed a quarterback, Brees was the guy I really wanted more than anything. On talent alone, I really liked Kelvin Benjamin in this round, as I think Cam is going to target him hard this year. I really like Travis Kelce, but this was too early for even me to take him.

Who I Got: Drew Brees
Come on, Saints offense! With Brees and Cooks, I am relying on the Saints to throw the ball a whole bunch, and considering that their defense was awful, they tried to improve with their first round pick, said first round pick got injured for the season, and yes, I think they are going to have to throw the ball a whole bunch. If Brees is healthy, last year’s stats seem like the floor for his performance and obviously the upside is much higher just by pure volume of passing.

ROUND 7
73 Tyler Lockett, Sea WR Charles In Charge
74 John Brown, Ari WR baby seals and puppies
75 Ameer Abdullah, Det RB AwesomeSugar Omelet
76 Rashad Jennings, NYG RB Ruby's Roosters
77 Emmanuel Sanders, Den WR Trouser Trouts
78 DeAngelo Williams, Pit RB Fart Gamblers
79 Danny Woodhead, SD RB   Return of the Mac
80 Duke Johnson Jr., Cle RB Panty Bandits
81 T.J. Yeldon, Jax RB The Calms Of Death
82 Frank Gore, Ind RB Shortbus Superheroes
83 Zach Ertz, Phi TE Deal With It
84 Giovani Bernard, Cin RB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers

Who I Wanted: Ameer Abdullah
I am a big Ameer Abdullah supporter. I know the Lions are going to share their carries, but I have a hard time believing that Abdullah isn’t their guy 75% of the time. He’s just better than the other guys on that roster. I knew it was going to take a lot for him to fall that far, and unfortunately, he didn’t.

Who I Got: Danny Woodhead
Every year, I run into my running back’s bye weeks, and I realize that my bench is full of high upside backups with a starter who refuses to get injured, and every year, I think, man, I just wish I had a guy like Danny Woodhead who can produce 8-10 points every week and keep me in any matchup. Well, this year I have Danny Woodhead, and we’re a whole lot grittier because of it.

ROUND 8
85 DeVante Parker, Mia WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
86 Michael Crabtree, Oak WR Deal With It
87 Michael Thomas, NO WR Shortbus Superheroes
88 Blake Bortles, Jax QB The Calms Of Death
89 Antonio Gates, SD TE Panty Bandits
90 Derrick Henry, Ten RB   Return of the Mac
91 Laquon Treadwell, Min WR Fart Gamblers
92 Philip Rivers, SD QB Trouser Trouts
93 Josh Gordon, Cle WR Ruby's Roosters
94 Kevin White, Chi WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
95 Julius Thomas, Jax TE baby seals and puppies
96 Gary Barnidge, Cle TE Charles In Charge

Who I Wanted: Nobody, really.
This wasn’t an exciting time for me in the draft. I didn’t really like any of the tight ends, and I always wait on defense, so it was just kind of some low floor, decent upside guys. As a Bears fan, I strongly considered the hype around Kevin White, but I decided to go with different preseason hype instead.

Who I Got: Derrick Henry
Outside of Dak Prescott, I’m not sure I’ve heard any more buzz about a rookie than Derrick Henry. People are already confidently proclaiming that he’s the real deal and will be one of the most successful recent Alabama running backs. DeMarco Murray has never been the most durable guy (outside of that last year in Dallas when he was literally the most durable guy), and even if Murray stays healthy, I see them shifting responsibilities more and more to Henry as the season rolls on. If you got a fancy new toy, you gotta take it out of the box and play with it.

ROUND 9
97 Vincent Jackson, TB WR Charles In Charge
98 Allen Hurns, Jax WR baby seals and puppies
99 Kirk Cousins, Wsh QB AwesomeSugar Omelet
100 Jameis Winston, TB QB Ruby's Roosters
101 Chris Ivory, Jax RB Trouser Trouts
102 DeAndre Washington, Oak RB Fart Gamblers
103 Tyler Eifert*, Cin TE   Return of the Mac
104 Seahawks D/ST D/ST Panty Bandits
105 Willie Snead, NO WR The Calms Of Death
106 Coby Fleener, NO TE Shortbus Superheroes
107 Justin Forsett, Bal RB Deal With It
108 Darren Sproles, Phi RB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers

Who I Wanted: A Tight End.
That’s all I really wanted. Just a tight end of some sort. If I was going on talent, I wouldn’t have minded betting on Winston taking a step forward this year, but I can’t imagine a week where I would really start him over Brees.

Who I Got: Tyler Eifert
And I got one…kind of. Eifert is out for the beginning of the season, and although he may come back in the first month, he may not. He’s great when he’s healthy, but he’s not the most durable guy in the world. He’ll be a great pick in weeks that he’s healthy, but I’m not real sure how often this will look like a great pick.

ROUND 10
109 Derek Carr, Oak QB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
110 Devin Funchess, Car WR Deal With It
111 LeGarrette Blount, NE RB Shortbus Superheroes
112 Matthew Stafford, Det QB The Calms Of Death
113 Stephen Gostkowski, NE K Panty Bandits
114 Corey Coleman, Cle WR   Return of the Mac
115 James Starks, GB RB Fart Gamblers
116 Sterling Shepard, NYG WR Trouser Trouts
117 Isaiah Crowell, Cle RB Ruby's Roosters
118 Torrey Smith, SF WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
119 Andy Dalton, Cin QB baby seals and puppies
120 Marcus Mariota, Ten QB Charles In Charge

Who I Wanted: Corey Coleman
I’m really riding that rookie hype train this year.

Who I Got: Corey Coleman
This makes me terribly nervous. Like, I may try to package something with Elliott to see if I can get Gurley somehow. Getting a bunch of rookies and expecting to pick the right ones never works out. But I really liked Coleman coming out of college as I think his athleticism is even better on the field than his combine numbers. He’s just a threat, and although Josh Gordon could move Coleman down the depth chart, I wasn’t really willing to bet on Gordon, because he’s been away from the game a while, and I don’t see him stepping right back in and dominating like before.

ROUND 11
121 Bilal Powell, NYJ RB Charles In Charge
122 Cardinals D/ST D/ST baby seals and puppies
123 Jason Witten, Dal TE AwesomeSugar Omelet
124 Panthers D/ST D/ST Ruby's Roosters
125 Tyler Boyd, Cin WR Trouser Trouts
126 Chiefs D/ST D/ST Fart Gamblers
127 Stefon Diggs, Min WR   Return of the Mac
128 Tyrod Taylor, Buf QB Panty Bandits
129 Devontae Booker, Den RB The Calms Of Death
130 Martellus Bennett, NE TE Shortbus Superheroes
131 Jimmy Graham, Sea TE Deal With It
132 Dwayne Allen, Ind TE Harrisburg Hairy Palmers

Who I Wanted: Tyler Boyd
Probably  good thing that I didn’t get another rookie, but Boyd is a football player. Iowa had maybe the best corner in college football last year, and Boyd was able to consistently create enough space to make catches (Desmond King did have two interceptions in that game, but Boyd did not throw either of those passes). He finds ways to get open, and he’s an ideal number two for the Bengals.

Who I Got: Stefon Diggs
Diggs just kept falling and falling, so I had no choice but to scoop him up. It would have been wiser to get another tight end like Martellus Bennett or Zach Miller, but I figured he’d be the first option in Minnesota, and Teddy could take a big step forward this year. This was before the injury, and now Teddy likely isn’t taking any steps anytime soon. Stefon Diggs is the most likely to be the first guy dropped from my roster, and that has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with the garbage pile of quarterbacks that the Vikings currently have on their active roster (and even though I wrote this before the Bradford trade, nothing really changes with me on Diggs's value), .

ROUND 12
133 Eagles D/ST D/ST Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
134 Broncos D/ST D/ST Deal With It
135 Adam Vinatieri, Ind K Shortbus Superheroes
136 Pierre Garcon, Wsh WR The Calms Of Death
137 Travis Benjamin, SD WR Panty Bandits
138 Bengals D/ST D/ST   Return of the Mac
139 Zach Miller, Chi TE Fart Gamblers
140 Texans D/ST D/ST Trouser Trouts
141 Dak Prescott, Dal QB Ruby's Roosters
142 Theo Riddick, Det RB AwesomeSugar Omelet
143 Steve Smith Sr., Bal WR baby seals and puppies
144 Raiders D/ST D/ST Charles In Charge

Who I Wanted: Broncos D/ST
God, I should have taken them last round instead of Stefon Diggs. I know they lost some guys in the middle, but Von Miller is still on this team, so it would have been nice to draft them.

Who I Got: Bengals D/ST
PANIC PICK! Once the Broncos went off the board, I was just kind of stuck deciding between the Bengals, Texans, and Raiders. Then I thought maybe I should just draft a quarterback, but then I knew that some defenses would be off the board before I could make my next pick, and I kept going back and forth. I knocked out the Texans because Watt is out early, and I may be able to snag them off the waiver wire when they have a bad game without him. Then I just decided that I didn’t want to believe in the Raiders despite them having Khalil Mack, destroyer of worlds. So then I picked up the Bengals. They’re always solid. This is not a sexy pick; it’s an okay one.

ROUND 13
145 Christine Michael, Sea RB Charles In Charge
146 Chris Johnson, Ari RB baby seals and puppies
147 Steven Hauschka, Sea K AwesomeSugar Omelet
148 Josh Brown, NYG K Ruby's Roosters
149 Markus Wheaton, Pit WR Trouser Trouts
150 Chris Hogan, NE WR Fart Gamblers
151 Ryan Tannehill, Mia QB   Return of the Mac
152 Patriots D/ST D/ST Panty Bandits
153 Vikings D/ST D/ST The Calms Of Death
154 Steelers D/ST D/ST Shortbus Superheroes
155 Justin Tucker, Bal K Deal With It
156 Charles Sims, TB RB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers

Who I Wanted: Ryan Tannehill
I still needed a backup quarterback, and Tannehill is now working with Adam Gase who helped Cutler to a strong year last season. There are a lot of interesting weapons down in Miami, and Tannehill could revert to his stats from two years ago when he was like the sixth best fantasy quarterback.

Who I Got: Ryan Tannehill
I was probably going RGIII if he wasn’t there, so I’m really happy he was there.

ROUND 14
157 Mason Crosby, GB K Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
158 Mohamed Sanu, Atl WR Deal With It
159 Phillip Dorsett, Ind WR Shortbus Superheroes
160 Dan Bailey, Dal K The Calms Of Death
161 Rishard Matthews, Ten WR Panty Bandits
162 Roberto Aguayo, TB K   Return of the Mac
163 Matt Prater, Det K Fart Gamblers
164 Robbie Gould, Chi K Trouser Trouts
165 Josh Doctson*, Wsh WR Ruby's Roosters
166 Bears D/ST D/ST AwesomeSugar Omelet
167 Graham Gano, Car K baby seals and puppies
168 Chandler Catanzaro, Ari K Charles In Charge

Who I Wanted: A Kicker
I was between Mason Crosby, Justin Tucker, and Roberto Aguayo. If they were all gone, I was going to make a panic pick on a kicker.

Who I Got: Roberto Aguayo
Did I take a kicker who had the yips in the preseason? Oh hell yeah. But now he’s over them and nailing 50-yarders in the rain like it’s not even a big deal. Oh, Roberto, it is a big deal, and you are going to be a big deal when you lead the league in points this year. Aguayo won’t make you sigh-o.

I feel great about my team this year, and since I am a self-proclaimed fantasy expert (like any other fantasy expert), I can just about guarantee that my team will be ravaged with injuries and underperformance. I will then swear each of them off and watch them explode for career years in 2017. Hooray, Fantasy!

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

10 Things I'd Rather Do With My Dog Than My Wife

I love my wife. I love my dog. Now I would say these loves are different. One is someone that I can kiss and tell my deepest secrets to, the other one is my wife. But they both serve their roles. Still, there are things that I can't get from my dog that I can get from my wife, like going to places that don't allow pets, but there are also things that, although I could do with my wife, I'd rather do with my dog. Here are ten things that I would rather do with Casey The Dog than the old lady.

10. Play With Her Ears
My dog has big, soft, floppy ears that I can just run through my fingers, and snuggle my face up against. My wife has human ears. They are these weird cartilage things, and sometimes she puts stabby things (earrings) in them which makes them uncomfortable and dangerous. I'm not saying I want my wife to have an ear transplant, but I'm not saying I'd be disappointed if she woke up with Weimy ears one day.

9. Throw The Ball
Sometimes, my wife and I will play catch. It's fine, but the highlight is the involvement of my dog who is just waiting for one of us to miss it, so she can swoop in and get the ball. Meanwhile, throwing the ball with Casey is great. She sprints after it, brings it back, and we go through this until she decides that she's had enough. Also, it's a nice boost for my self-esteem as she has some toys that are easy to throw to the point that somebody once said I should play quarterback in the NFL. I mean, they were a Browns fan, so that's barely the NFL, but it still counts.

8. Go For A Walk
I'm not a big fan of walks. They're a little too slow-paced for me. But still, the enjoyment that my dog gets out of the walk spreads over to me. If my wife panted and smiled like that, it might close the distance, but she just talks. The one edge my wife has in this category is that I don't have to pick up her poop, because if my wife decides to take a dump in a neighbor's yard, she can at least pick it up herself.

7. Wrestle
Casey isn't a great wrestler, especially as she's gotten older, but she's up for a battle when it comes down to it. It almost always ends with Casey clawing my face or headbutting me, but there is a lot of excitement leading up to that moment. My wife gives up pretty quickly, as she can't overcome my size and strength advantage. I always win the latter, but I get more satisfaction out of the former.

6. Play Basketball
My dog loves playing defense which adds to the difficulty. She's also not a glory pup who needs shots, so I can put up as many as I want. Plus, she never talks shit to me about how my shot looks. I think I appreciate that last part the most.

5. Watch TV
Casey The Dog never minds when I watch wrestling. It doesn't matter if it's Raw, Smackdown, NXT, the Cruiserweight Classic, Lucha Underground, or classic episodes of Monday Nitro. She just chills and enjoys the show. The old lady could definitely learn about television appreciation from our dog.

4. Go To The Beach
My wife could spend an entire day at the beach. Just hanging out, reading, and maybe occasionally getting in the water to cool off. My dog and I are way more on the same page. We attack the beach, play as hard as we can, frolic in the water, and then we're tired, bored, and ready to go home. She's puked in my car the last two times, but she still gets the edge, as although my wife looks great in a two-piece, my dog is even skimpier when she's down to only a collar.

3. Cuddle
Cuddling is kind of boring, so I usually don't do it for very long. My dog is softer than my wife, and she doesn't mind if I stop cuddling after just a couple minutes. And I also don't get offended if she gets up when I'm snuggling up next to her. We have a mutual understanding that either of us can end it at any time with no guilt, and I appreciate that.

2. Pick Up Her Poop
As I stated earlier, I'm not picking up my wife's poop. I do pick up my dog's poop. I mean, it's not an enjoyable experience, but it'd be far more traumatizing if the old lady was dropping trou in the front yard and becoming the first human female to poop (you know, because ladies don't poop).

1. Road Trip
This is the most important one. My dog is the ultimate road trip partner. All I want on a road trip is silence and just a bit of companionship. I can listen to my tunes and podcasts, and if I want to reach over and pet the dog, she's there when I need her. Occasionally, she'll rest her head on my shoulder, and she's just really pleasant to be around. My wife only wants me to occasionally act like a social human being, but my pup dog has zero wants, and that is what makes her so special.

Don't get me wrong; my wife is great. But there are some areas where she's not as great as my dog. No shame in that.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

How Can the Minnesota Vikings Replace Teddy Bridgewater?

Lukewarm Jonah is taking the reins today since his favorite team lost one of the best young QBs in the league.

Today the likelihood of a Minnesota Vikings championship run took a big hit when Teddy Bridgewater went down with a freak, terrible injury.  I know Joe is no Vikings fan, but he is a Teddy Bridgewater fan.  Though the news today was terrible, the regular season is rapidly approaching.  The Vikings have Shaun Hill healthy and that’s about it.  Second year quarterback Taylor Heinicke looked great last preseason, but is also injured.  It’s clear that the Vikings need to find a quarterback, but the question is who?  I’ve got a few suggestions that aren’t being talked about that I hope the Vikings listen to.

Zach Mettenberger may be their best option, so I’m going to lead this list off with him.  I’m a little confused why no one wants a third year quarterback who played average football on a terrible team during his rookie year.  He played a little below average last year, still on a terrible team.  I watched plenty of his games as a pro and saw plenty of potential.  The fact that this guy got cut is baffling to me.  Anyways, you have a young quarterback with starting experience and some upside.  Maybe the biggest positive to Mettenberger is that he’s a free agent.  He doesn’t cost a draft pick, just a roster spot and a pretty cheap contract.

Next up is a favorite of Joe and myself, Matt Barkley.  He’s the current 3rd string quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals.  He was acquired from the Eagles for a 7th round pick, so giving a 6th rounder for him seems like a price that Arizona would be happy to receive.  This is another guy that I’m confused by the lack of opportunities he’s got.  He went from assumed number one overall pick to fourth rounder who couldn’t find any playing time, even with all the terrible quarterbacks who seem to find constant work.  He’s a guy with a high ceiling, and I’d happily trade a 6th rounder for him.

Let’s look out east for a couple of quarterbacks from the mighty Philadelphia Eagles.  That’s right a couple.  Chase Daniel is the obvious target.  A guy who by all reports was the best quarterback on a couple of teams he’s been on.  Many people wanted to see him play when he was in Kansas City, and if he stays in Philadelphia I would bet a large amount of money he starts at least one game this year due to talent alone.  However, the Eagles have Sam Bradford as their starter and Carson Wentz as their future quarterback so do they really need Daniel?  So who’s the other quarterback on the Eagles I mentioned?  None other than Mcleod Bethel-Thompson.  Who you ask?  Current Eagles fourth string quarterback, likely to be a free agent very soon, Bethel-Thompson had two runs with the Vikings and showed glimpses of greatness, even though it was in the preseason.  He’ll be a free signing that can back up Shaun Hill and potentially come in and spark the offense if Hill struggles.

I can’t finish the article without mentioning my personal hero Nathan Enderle.  6’4” 240 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal, if he’s signed the Vikings will finally win that ever elusive Super Bowl.  Really though, I wish he actually got a chance in the NFL because he’s got a big arm, he’s accurate, and he’s used to moving around in the pocket and avoiding pressure.  The only good part about him not playing is he would have started for the Bears and led them to way too much success.

Someone else who must be mentioned is Joe’s personal hero, the anti Colin Kaepernick, Mr. America Ricky Stanzi.  He’s available, loves America, and was a successful quarterback at the University of Iowa.  I’ll have to defer to Joe for any real insight into Ricky Stanzi (Joe's insight: He seems like a really good dude. That probably doesn't make him a great option at QB, but I'd definitely let him watch my dog), but he can play on the Vikings as long as he comes out to Real American.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

When Is It Okay to Fart in an Elevator?

As a big city boy, I get to ride in an elevator every day for work. 6-year-old me would have been totally impressed, because a majority of the time, I even get to push the buttons. This has given me time for introspection, and it has helped me break down elevator etiquette when it comes to the only thing that really matters: Farting.

It should be noted that I'm either the least healthy person in the world, or everybody else is way more willing to hold in their farts than I am. I don't think it's the former, so I just feel bad for people living their lives this way. First off, in the elevator alone, I am going to fart away. If somebody's waiting to get on that elevator as I get off, well, I will have skedaddled off to my destination before they can even put together the crime that I have committed.

Things get slightly more complicated with other people in the elevator. If there is only one other person in the elevator, you cannot fart. This is one of the few situations where I would ever say that you cannot fart, but this is one of them, and considering it lasts about 15 seconds, I think we can all manage. Another circumstance is if you are the only male in an elevator with females, because you know you're getting blamed for that fart, even if it wasn't you. That being said, if you are a female in an elevator and you see there is only one guy in there, I would say fart away. There is no way you're getting blamed for it, and that is cruel to that guy, but with all the harassment that women get online, they should at least have this to get back at men a little bit.

Now the great conundrum is in a crowded elevator. To fart or not to fart? That is the question. But the answer is quite simple. If you're not the only guy in the elevator with multiple people around, fart away. Enjoy yourself. A fart isn't enough to ruin someone's day; it's actually adding some spice to their life as they'll have a good story for their friends and co-workers. Friends will crowd around as they regale their story of the really stinky fart in the elevator. When you think about it, you're actually doing your elevator guests a favor.

And think of the cool Aerosmith parody you can sing to yourself,

Farts in an elevator
Stinkin' it up while it's goin down.
Farts in an elevator
Holdin' your breath till we hit the ground.