Thursday, August 21, 2014

Suits Power Rankings: This Is Rome

Today, I bid farewell to Suits, as last night was the Summer Season Finale. What actually happened last night? Not much, really. Harvey has all of his clients. Mike is a boy wonder. Louis is looking for work still. Oh, and Katrina got fired, although I have a sneaking suspicion that we may have not seen the last of her. Although Louis does not have a job, he is trying to become a name partner at Pearson Specter due to some leverage that he now possesses (we'll get into that later), but it made me think to do things a little differently this week. Instead of judging everyone's performance from last night, I am going to rank the 20 best possibilities for name partner at Pearson Specter. Since Jessica and Harvey are immediately eliminated, all you really need to know is that Harvey needs to get his legs into his punching if he is ever going to tap into his power potential, and Jessica probably would have been ranked number one, as I'm shocked she doesn't need a wheelbarrow for her enormous balls. For last week's rankings, click here. But now onto the rankings for potential name partner, in reverse order:

21. Amy - She doesn't have a last name, so she is immediately disqualified. 

20. Eric Woodall - He is going to jail, although it is not for the crimes he committed with Charles Forstman. No, unfortunately, Eric Woodall committed the worst crime of all: Not being handsome. That shit don't fly at Pearson Specter. 

19. Charles Forstman - I am currently reading The Divide, which is an incredible book about injustice when it comes to the wealth gap. Rich people don't go to prison, no matter what they do, so Forstman is definitely not going to jail. Still, I have to downgrade him as it seems like a significant step backwards in his career to join a law firm, when he does investments and has way more money than anybody at Pearson Specter. 

18. Jared Franklin - His numbers since becoming a name partner are very poor. He couldn't even get an interview at Pearson Specter. 

17. Robert Zane - Zane is best as a loner. If he scratches your back, he expects you to lick his butthole. He doesn't need partners, and Pearson Specter doesn't need him.

16. Katrina Bennett - Katrina's allegiances are to Louis. Unfortunately, if you want to make name partner, you need to pledge allegiance to yourself. She is out of a job for now, and something tells me she will not be bouncing from the halfway house to the penthouse suite.

15. Jonathan Sidwell - Although he does not have Forstman money, he still has a whole lot more than lawyers do. He's an investment banker, which means he has steak dinner when he is being frugal. He's too rich for Pearson Specter.

14. Walter Gillis - Has no law background, but he does have a lot of money. He is looking for a purpose, so I'm not sure if he would outright deny it. His money could bring in some high-profile clients, which definitely could add value to the firm. Still, he hates Harvey, I'm guessing he would hate Jessica, so he's probably good staying out of their business. 

13. Peter Bash - He is promising but constant surf trips would set a poor precedent for the rest of the firm.

12. Logan Sanders - I know what you're thinking. He also has so much money that he has no need to work at Pearson Specter, even if he was a name partner, but this is the ultimate power move to get Rachel back. He could immediately fire Mike Ross, because him and Jessica would outvote Harvey on the issue. Rachel could quit at that point, but considering that Pearson Specter agreed to pay for her tuition as long as she does continue to work there, she is basically stuck. Then it is just time to let the romance progress. Unfortunately, as far as I know, Logan is not any sort of lawyer, and he really brings no benefit to the firm, but it would be pretty sweet revenge for him if he could pull it off.

11. Sheila Sass - She broke Louis's heart, which definitely earns her bonus points with Harvey and Jessica as they are not huge fans of Louis after he tried to steal clients from them. But, ultimately, she's an Admissions Counselor. She is an Admissions Counselor who plays by her own rules, which I respect. If Harvey and Jessica ran a brothel, I think Sheila would be a great candidate for name partner, but at a law firm, she lacks the background necessary to succeed.

10. Donna Paulsen - Although she is an impeccable marksman, er markswoman, there are definitely some holes in her game. The lack of law degree is obvious, but the fact that Jessica threatens to fire her anytime is a suggestion is a much bigger hindrance. Although her and Harvey are very close, he likes to keep her a step below him, so he will keep her as his assistant to assert his power in their relationship.

9. Mike Ross - Jessica did hate him, but she did start to warm up to him a little bit. Obviously, Harvey would do backflips with this decision. He is definitely one of the top lawyers in the firm, so he has a lot of things going for him. Still, if he becomes a name partner, that is going to bring media attention, and that is just too big of a risk to take. He has a ceiling on his career as a lawyer, and name partner is far beyond that ceiling.

8. Michael Phelps - Refused to sign with Harvey, which takes tremendous balls. He did sign with another lawyer from the firm, but that lawyer has since left. I'm not sure if he is still with the firm, but anybody who says no immediately has Jessica's respect. The lack of a law degree hurts, but when they compete with other law firms in the big Judicial Swim Meet, they are sure to take first place. And yes, that is enough to give him a better shot at being name partner than Mike Ross.

7. Daniel HARDMAN - They tried this once before; it did not end well. But goddamn, HARDMAN was so awesome.

6. Rachel Zane - So Rachel isn't a lawyer yet, and she seems to not even be that good of an associate either, but she does have one huge advantage. People might think it was her Dad, which would probably help them sign clients. The business would be too embarrassed to backtrack once they found out the truth. Still, it seems unlikely.

5. Jeff Malone - So Jeff Malone came in like a total badass, but then he turned into a Real Munson. He's got to be this high as he somehow has Harvey's respect and Jessica's love. Also, now that he's a corporate lawyer, you just know that he puts on his business card, "The Mailman Always Delivers" even though he is the weaker of the Malone brothers. You're not Karl, Jeff, stop pretending to be. Despite all that, if Jessica and Harvey decided on their own to have another name partner, he's probably the lead dog, but that only makes him the most likely candidate, not the best.

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis had his balls chopped off for this entire season, so it was good to see him get his fire back for this final episode. He tried to get his clients by being nice, and then he tried stealing, but finally he had to resort to brute force, and luckily for him, he had the leverage to out power the people in his way. Louis finally figured out that Mike did not go to Harvard. He exploded on everyone in his path, and now he is hoping that his nuclear bomb leads nothing but peril, pain, and a partnership. Unfortunately, all that leverage does not even get him in the top three of possible candidates, but fourth is still a very strong showing. 

3. Dana Scott - Please. 
Pretty please. 
No? Okay, but still Dana Scott would be an incredible choice. Smart, sexy as all get out, and great lawyering experience. Had she not made Harvey one of her bangpieces, she might be number one, but she left that fool behind. Hence, no name partnership for her.

2. Sean Cahill - Obviously I have been singing the praises of Cahill all season and deservedly so. Cahill was the first person to compete against Harvey while not breaking the rules. He bent rules to the verge of their absolute breaking point, but he always managed to keep things clean. He earned Harvey's respect and left Jessica speechless. Clearly, they are enamored with this gentleman, and who could blame them? You know why large companies get away with whatever they want? Because they have a team of lawyers and nobody from the government wants to deal with that. Meanwhile, this Sean Cahill SOB doesn't just sue a large company, he sues a large law firm. You know what law firms are filled with? Lawyers. Cahill is like a honey badger in that he simply does not give a fuck. The balls on this guy, good lord. Plus, his tax fraud joke would kill at the Pearson Specter Cahill Christmas Party. He is everything you would want in a name partner. Well, everything except...

1. Harold Jakowski Gunderson- Harold. The number one answer is always Harold. 
Sounds like partnership material to me. Long live Harold. Oh, and sorry about your girlfriend, Mike, but Harold's gotta Harold.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

We Need to Talk About This Picture of Hulk Hogan

WWE.com recently posted rarely seen photos of Hulk Hogan, and it is a treasure trove of wonderful for any Hulkamaniac. Despite there being 187 photos, one photo clearly stood out above the rest. I would not only posit that it is the greatest photo of Hulk Hogan, but likely the greatest photo in history. Behold:
That shirt. That SHIRT. That shirt is amazing. I mean, it takes a man to wear a shirt like that. I thought it was a photoshop at first, but this photo is apparently real, and that makes me incredibly happy. I don't even know how to talk about that shirt, so let's just rank the best things about that shirt.

5. It's pink.
4. It has hearts all over it.
3. It has a DEEP-V.
2. There are tears through the shoulders and arms of the shirt.
1. Hulk Hogan looked at it and decided that, "Yep, this is a nice shirt for a fancy dinner."

Second, we need to take a look at his dinner guests. Who are they? There is no way to know, but I have a pretty good guess. Logically, there is no way Hogan is busting out that shirt for just anybody, so they must be pretty big stars. Still, Hulk wants to take the attention off of them, or perhaps he NEEDS to take the attention off of them for their own sake. It's pretty obvious what I am saying by now. That is Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe, both aged but living peacefully. Hulk is there enjoying their reminiscing while eating salads.

And speaking of what is for dinner, HOLY SHIT. Look at all those supplements. I counted 10 different bottles and cannisters of supplements. Good lord. Of course this is the man that once advertised The Hulkster's Powerful Python Pack...

Hulk Hogan Makes Protein Shakes (TNT Show 06... by JinMedia
...which are strong enough to help Awful Alfred and change the color of Vince McMahon's suit. So really ThERe is nO way to tell what Is to Decipher what is in those Supplements, but I am guessing that it is a super safe and super normal thing to have with salad and bread.

And although I love everything about this photo, it all comes back to one thing.

That shirt, man.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena at Summerslam Is the Match of the Year

When match of the year candidates come out, everyone will pick matches where both guys went back and forth and kept fans on the edge of their seat the entire time. The matches that will be nominated will all be great matches, and they all won't be half as good as Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena at Summerslam. 

Now that may be hard for people to accept, as it was about as one-sided as Ryback vs. Two Local Jobbers or Rusev vs. Black Guy, but the story it told was incredible. Brock Lesnar F-5'd Cena within the first ten seconds of the match, and it took incredible Cena power just to survive that much. 

Lesnar proceeded to ragdoll Cena around the ring with the most German suplexes ever thrown. And that was the beauty of it, he was not following through on the German Suplex, he was just throwing Cena around like a bag of potatoes. Cena landed awkwardly multiple times, because Lesnar is a freak who can do whatever he wants. 

You kept waiting for Cena to make his triumphant comeback, but instead Lesnar just threw him to the ground and pounded on him, one time forgetting that the punches are supposed to be somewhat blocked and nailing him right in the face with a left. It was absolutely brutal.

Finally, out of nowhere Cena hit the Attitude Adjustment and tried to pin Lesnar, but Brock kicked out, and then to top it all off, he sat up like he was the goddamned Undertaker just to let everyone know that he has beaten one of your heroes already, and he's about to crush another. 

Lesnar beat on Cena some more, Cena managed to get Lesnar in the STF, but Lesnar reversed it, decided that he was done with Cena and hit the F-5 for the victory. It was a total beatdown, and this was to the John Cena that constantly defies the odds. And John Cena still defied the odds. He lasted 15 minutes of brutality; no other superstar could have done that. 

Brock Lesnar could legitimately destroy anybody in the WWE, and they let that play out in the match. It doesn't matter how bad Cena wants it, how much this business means to him, or how many times he calls his opponent Jack. Lesnar is genetically superior, and if Lesnar wants something, he can take it. 

The match told a story. The story is that Brock Lesnar is a dream crusher. He crushed Cena's dreams, but he also crushed the dreams of every child watching. Guess what kids? It doesn't matter how hard you try, how much effort you put in, or how much you study. Eventually, you are going to run into your own Brock Lesnar, and that person is simply going to be better than you.

This is the moment of deepest depression in the story, and now all the fans are left waiting for is how a hero can rise up and defeat The Beast. 

I think we all know how the story ends, but I'm still excited as hell to go on the path to get there.

That is why Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena is the Match of the Year.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Suits Power Rankings - Gone

So the Suits Power Rankings are a little bit later than normal. This was caused by two lawyers who also try to play by their own rules: Jared Franklin and Peter Bash. I don't know how law firms work in Los Angeles, but in New York, people are held to a higher standard. While the lawyers of Pearson Specter are handling international cases and Michael Jordan, the lawyers of Infeld Daniels Franklin and Bash are handling pot smokers and storage unit disputes. All of this is the long way of saying that I am officially out on Franklin and Bash until they bring back the hot tub. Meanwhile, I am all in and Jessica, Harvey, and the rest of the gang at Pearson Specter, even though I have had to go this whole summer without any Harold. You can check out last week's rankings here, but now onto this week where lawyers gotta lawyer.

1. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is being nice to Louis's face, but she plans on firing him at her earliest convenience, which is just so stone cold of her. I loved it. You gotta trim the fat if you want to be the best. This is true in her personal life as well. Jeff wanted to go out for dinner, but Jessica has a budget, so she made them order in. Fiscal responsibility is often overlooked, but I appreciate her frugal behavior. She does get busted for having a relationship with Jeff, but that was probably caused by Jeff Malone pulling a Michael Scott and emailing everyone at the SEC nudie pics of Jessica. In the end, Jessica didn't even have to trouble herself to fire Louis. She had Harvey go and do it, and even he was too late, as Jessica put the fear of god into Louis, so he left before he could be forced out. Bravo to Jessica, who showed that she has the biggest stones, fellas included, in the entire firm. 

2. Sean Cahill - He was busy on the day of Harvey's birthday party, because he is quite the New York socialite, and by socialite, I mean he has pre-filled his calendar to "have beers with bros night" every night. Then Cahill totally outlawyered Mike and Harvey and knew to look for the money in the transaction. Finally, he showed that he is an honorable man and earned Harvey's respect by sending his own boss to jail. Pearson Specter has to hire Cahill, right? He's perfect. He could replace Louis, hire Harold as his associate and RULE THE WORLD.

3. Harvey Specter - Harvey should never try to meet with Forstman, as it always ends badly for him. He again tried to threaten Chuck (what his good friends call him), but Chuck just sat back, relaxed, and told Harvey to screw himself so he could enjoy the end of his cigar in peace. Things were looking pretty grim as earlier Cahill told him that he would not make it to his birthday party, which means nobody from outside of Pearson Specter will be there. Cahill is also owning him in the courtroom until finally others swoop in with a master plan, while Harvey gets to take the main credit. He does show some compassion for Louis, as he tries to save his job, but it is too late, and he is a best man left without a groom. 

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Oh, Louis. You sad, pathetic, emotional loser. You used to be strong and virile, a man to be feared, but now everyone just pities you, because you have nothing. But don't give up, Louis, some people need to get Litt up. Go and get your woman. Sheila and you should be together. Sheila and you need to be together. It is time to show her what the initials LML really stand for, Love Me Longtime.

5. Charles Forstman - Forstman likes to finish his cigars in peace. It would be so much better if he liked to enjoy them in piece, and he was about to chop that thing up and throw them in his mouth like jalapeno poppers. Since I have not seen him get arrested, I'll assume he is still doing his daily routine of coffee at a diner, sitting at a ridiculously long conference table by himself, and eating cigars in peace. 

6. Jeff Malone - Is trying to be honorable through this whole mess, but it just comes across as whiny. He is making himself out to be a martyr, but what he needs to do is stop letting the rules define who he is by a lawyer and start pushing the boundaries. I had such high hopes for Jeff, but he is just too honorable to become an elite lawyer.

7. Donna Paulsen - Donna finally makes herself useful, as she wisely chooses her words with Harvey when it comes to Louis. But she also missed her date for work stuff, which has just gotta stop happening. She asked Jessica for a favor and was nearly fired for it. Donna needs to put on her climbing boots and get to the top of the hill, the Cahill that is. Get it, gurrrrrrl.

8. Mike Ross - Mike comes up with the idea of looking into Cahill and friends, but that idea fails, and Mike followed it up by giving Cahill crucial information during the deposition. Interacting with Cahill works out well for no one.

9. Katrina Bennett - Katrina gave Louis advice based on mob movies. She was right, but that does not make the thought process valid.

10. Rachel Zane - She knows what her man wants, and that is bean and cheese burritos. Not only are they delicious, but they also help both of them send a sexy aroma throughout the apartment. She then gets prepared for a deposition that never happens. During this deposition, she initially refused to answer the question about sleeping with Logan, which was odd. This is why Sami Zayn refuses to recognize her as a valid cousin.

11. Charles Woodall - Came in as a badass lawyer but was a blubbering wimp within 30 seconds of his deposition. Also drives a Subaru which is about the lamest car company on the planet. I mean, come on, Woodall, were they all out of Kia Sephias? To top off his shit sandwich, Harvey helped lead his good buddy to prosecute him for taking a bribe from Forstman.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Which Cubs Prospect Is Most Likely To Be a Bust?

The Cubs are currently loaded with hitting prospects as most agree that they have the best farm system in baseball. Still, every Cubs fan seems to be cautiously optimistic about the future. Since these guys have not performed at the big league level, some of them are bound to fail. The odds definitely say that some will not work out, but which ones are going to fail? That is the question that I am going to try to answer by looking at the Cubs top hitting prospects and determining who has the largest, and by process of ranking, smallest, chance to fail.

8. Arismendy Alcantara - He has consistently done well in the minors, and he is already holding his own at the major league level. There are going to be some growing pains, but I feel very confident saying that he will be a valuable major leaguer while under team control.

7. Addison Russell - His chance of being a bust seems to be almost entirely tied to his chances of injuries. But considering he came back from a serious hamstring injury and has annihilated the ball in Double-A since being traded to the Cubs, that seems to quell those concerns. He gets extremely positive reviews for his defense, and it seems likely that he will be the shortstop of the future. According to everything that I have seen and heard, it seems very likely that Russell will be an incredibly valuable major leaguer.

6. Jorge Soler - This may seem low on the potential to bust, but I see very little chance in him not becoming a good outfielder. Like Russell, his only real concern is injuries, and he has slightly more concern with that, but when he is healthy, he hits. He has always put up good numbers, and since he's come back from injury, he's put up scary numbers. Soler and Yasiel Puig got signed in the same year, and everybody thought Soler was the better signing. Now, that looks a tad silly right now, but Soler has the potential to be as good as Puig, so I don't think the Cubs are too disappointed about signing him.

5. Billy McKinney - He is not only 20 years old and more than holding his own in High-A. Everything that he has showed so far has shown that he can be an above average regular. Still, he doesn't have much of a track record since he is so young. He has the potential to turn into a better player since he is so young for his current league, but that lack of track record also means that he could end up never making a positive contribution at the big league level.

4. Javier Baez - The fact that he swings at a lot of pitches is worrisome, but the one thing that quells my fear is that he has made adjustments at every level. He struggles early on, but then he makes those necessary tweaks and starts to crush the ball. The strikeouts are still a concern, but the more he proves himself, the more I start to believe he could become an infield playing Vladimir Guerrero. That's the absolute ceiling, but there are few players that can claim to have that sort of potential.

3. Kris Bryant - I love Kris Bryant, because he is totally my type. Big power, strikeout concerns, and questionable defense (my type for pitching is velocity and strikeouts). Try to get me to stop singing the praises of Chris Carter; you can't. Still, this is the line where I start having real concern about bust potential. Let's just throw out some minor league lines of comparable players to see what type of player we can expect Kris Bryant to become.

Bryant - .341/.446/.685 with 36 home runs, 68 walks, and 129 strikeouts while 3.3 years younger than his competition.
Player A - .321/.381/.667 with 43 home runs, 48 walks, and 134 strikeouts while 3 years younger than his competition.
Player B - .317/.387/.670 with 40 home runs, 57 walks, and 169 strikeouts while 2.7 years younger than his competition.

Those players are all pretty similar. Bryant has the advantage in age and walks, but he is on pace to strike out closer to Player B than Player A. Still, there has been some change in strikeout rate overall, so we can give him at least comparable contact rates to either guy. Player A is Brandon Wood, Player B is Dallas McPherson. Don't mind me; I'm going to be vomiting in the corner over the next few hours. Kris Bryant is a potential monster, but he has some flaws in his game. If he struggles at making contact in the minors, it is only going to get tougher at the major league level. Wood and McPherson were two guys who completely fell apart at that level, but despite all that, Kris Bryant is already close to my heart, so despite all this logic, thre is no way I would bet against him (Full disclosure though: I'd still be a little intrigued if the Cubs signed Brandon Wood today. His current line with the Sugar Land Skeeters is .098/.156/.159.).

2. Kyle Schwarber - There is just so very little to go on with Schwarber that he has an incredibly high bust potential. He crushed the ball at his first two stops but is struggling at the High-A level, which is probably an appropriate level for a college player. There is no consensus on whether he can stay behind the plate, and it's too early to really tell how good of a hitter he will become. I just can't imagine anyone being very confident that he will turn into a quality major leaguer. That doesn't mean that he won't; it's just that there is not enough evidence to go on to make a strong bet either way on Schwarber.

1. Albert Almora - This is a pretty obvious number one choice as this is the one hitting prospect who has not set the world on fire this year. He was just okay at High-A, and he has really struggled since moving up to Double-A. I am not a huge fan of walks as the be all, end all for prospects, but it is a preferable thing for a potential leadoff hitter to excel in. He is only 20 years old and in Double-A, so it is not time to throw in the towel. This could be a bump in the road, or it could be a sign of things to come. I am hoping for the former, but like with all of these prospects, only time will tell.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Suits Power Rankings: Exposure

Suits is getting to the homestretch. Last week, Mike broke up with Rachel, but more importantly, he got back together with Harvey through Louis. It was basically a hotshot lawyer menage a trois. Unfortunately, Cahill is trying to be the figurative STD in this equation that mucks up all the beautiful love. Can these guys find their penicillin, or will they continue to have flare ups? Let's go to this week's rankings to find out.

1. Sean Cahill - Cahill gets a search warrant from his golf buddy to go after Pearson Specter's documents, but before he can find anything, it gets denied by the real judge. Still, Cahill has always stayed a step ahead of Harvey in that just when they think they have him, he comes up with a new plan to screw them over. Cahill has no fear, so he's not worried of never working as a lawyer again, as long as he can destroy Harvey in the process. It is a risk, but something tells me he will be able to find a little dirt while looking through the Gillis Industries deal.

2. Jessica Pearson - Jessica ain't worried about no bitch-ass search warrant, because she doesn't even know where the files are. She gives Mike no respect for his plan (probably because she had heard the same plan before), and I respect that. Mike is a pain in the ass, and if he had never come to the firm, well, she would probably be working for Edward Darby or Daniel HARDMAN, but she conveniently forgets all of that so she can shit on Mike. I respect her narrow outlook on the past.

3. Charles Forstman - Forstman doesn't give as hit about the IRS, SEC, or any other three letter combination you want to throw at him. It is clear that he is B1G all the way. All he does is terrible things, yet he keeps rising up through the ranks and people are lining up to throw money at him. And that hair, good lord, that hair. It's the hair of a champion. Champion, great hair, and bad person...oh my god, he's Steve Alford.

4. Rachel Zane - Rachel is now crashing on Donna's couch, and that apartment has weird powers. People who sleep there do not do well in having a social life. She makes Mike very uncomfortable until he's so uncomfortable that he just gives in and they move back in together. She risked a restraining order, but got herself a boyfriend. Good win for Rachel.

5. Mike Ross - Mike is not cool enough to pull of a soul patch, but he has his own office now. But with an office comes responsibilities, so now he has to do some real lawyerin'. That's tough to do since poor Mike keeps thinking about Rachel kissing Logan, but in his weird nightmares, he's involved in a triple kiss. His grandma is watching the entire thing, and he wants to stop but can't. Half of the time, Logan turns into Harold. It's so weird, and he can't focus on anything else because of it. I can't say I blame him. The good news is that Mike got credit for an idea that Jessica initially turned down when Harvey brought it up, and he was given credit for being a genius. This newfound genius helped him realize that he isn't going to find anyone hotter than Rachel, so he might as well make up and go home.

6. Katrina Bennett - Putting the moves on Mike with that sexy hug. She seems like the kind of go-getter that would be willing to kill off Rachel to get herself a man. I respect her gumption.

7. Harvey Specter - Harvey believes in "Ladies first," unless he's involved in which case it's "Harvey first." Gotta respect that. He's got his best buddy back, but Cahill keeps coming at him. Since he didn't do anything wrong, he is not too concerned about things, but he still keeps getting owned by Cahill, even when he thinks he's in the clear. It was a pretty lax week for Harvey.

8. Donna Paulsen - She slept with Harvey, and she's still in love with him. She had a date. He's a little bit of a couch potato...literally. It's just a Mr. Potato Head that she laid on her couch. At least he has a smile on his face as she recites Shakespeare.

9. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is on an emotional rollercoaster all week long with Cahill looking into the Forstman deal. It looks good, then bad, then good, then bad again, and eventually he has to confess to Jessica, as he is not willing to frame Harvey for the crime that he committed. Please bring back Harold, so Louis has somebody to shit on. He needs it.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Dave Dombrowski Is a Gentle Lover

When I heard the Tigers were pursuing David Price, I chuckled to myself. The Tigers have traded away so many prospects that I'm not even sure if they field minor league teams anymore. There was no way they had the assets to get David Price. But then, sure enough, Dave Dombrowski found a way to turn Austin Jackson and Drew Smyly into David Price. How did he do this? It's because he's a gentle lover. Let me explain.

I think it's common knowledge that Dave Dombrowski is a master of seduction. If you somehow didn't know that, this photo, which has not been poorly photoshopped AT ALL, proves my point:
Since he is a master of seduction, he can pretty much seduce any woman he pleases. I'll admit it; I was nervous going to a Tigers Spring Training game a few months ago at the mere chance that DD might take a liking to my lady.

Basically, what his seduction prowess means is that he can seduce any owner's wife/girlfriend/main squeeze. Now, these owners are all super rich, cutthroat men who have done whatever it takes to get to the top. These are very prideful men, and also men who know what they like and hate change. The problem is that not only can Dave Dombrowski seduce their lady, but also that DD is a gentle lover.

This causes an issue as most owners sexual techniques start and end with vigorous. They aren't into any fluff; they are incredibly hard workers, but they only know one speed. Meanwhile, DD has listened to enough Tenacious D where he doesn't give sex to a woman, he makes love with her. Once these women experience the gentle love making of DD, they no longer want the vigorous sex that they experience from an old crusty baseball owner, and it ruins the lives of these owners.

So that is why Dave Dombrowski is consistently able to do the impossible when it comes to trades. Dave Dombrowski agreed to a four-year no seduction deal at the end of 2007 to acquire Miguel Cabrera from Jeffrey Loria and the Marlins. When that deal ran out, he gave another extension to get Anibal Sanchez in 2012. In between those two deals, he called up Ken Kendrick, who forced Josh Byrnes to trade away Max Scherzer in order to keep his beau away from Dombrowski's charms.

And finally, he called up Stuart Sternberg. Sternberg is a young, Wall Street hotshot, so he laughed at Dombrowski at first. He causally mentioned it as a joke with Andrew Friedman, but Friedman wasn't laughing. He knew of Dombrowski's skills, and therefore, he knew what he had to do. David Price is a Tiger, but Sternberg and his wife are safe from the charms of DD.

Don't blame these teams for their lack of return on top end talent. When you get that call from the 313 area code, you know your options have run out. If Dombrowski doesn't get his man, he's coming for your woman, and I'm glad these teams have made the right choice.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Suits Power Rankings - We're Done

The biggest question I was left with from last week was, should I start referring to Charles Forstman as FORSTMAN, since he is definitely the most diabolical human being since HARDMAN. Ultimately, Forstman's power is more reserved, and he doesn't need to use force, or Forst, to get what he wants, so he will stay with the relaxed typing of his name. Other stuff happened too. You can read about it here. But enough with the small talk, it's time to focus on the present:

1. Charles Forstman - It was not nearly as strong of a performance as last week, but he retains his number one spot despite circling Mike's neighborhood for two hours before Mike finally came out and got a coffee. I have to think he could have been spending his time better than that. He more than redeems himself by making Louis take a check to ensure that he will own him for the foreseeable future. Honestly, things are going pretty great for Mr. Forstman, so it is no wonder that he has that cocky grin on his face at all times.

2. Jonathan Sidwell - He's not hiring Mike back, and I respect that he doesn't bend on his principles. You get one shot with Sidwell, and that makes him the most honorable person out there.

3. Harvey Specter - Picking fights with Cahill but still finding time to be a friend to Mike. Besides that, he makes a super silly decision to get rid of Logan Sanders for wanting to bang his associate. Hey Harvey, I'm guessing all of your clients have probably had a beatoff session to Rachel, so this is not a viable long-term solution. But he was able to get Mike back in the firm thanks to Louis, and let's face it, in Mike's heart, Rachel is a DISTANT number two behind Spec.

4. Sean Cahill - Cahill would have punched Harvey in the face, but luckily, Harvey waited for him to finish his classic story abut mail fraud, so he let it slide. I hope he seduces Katrina Bennett to get dirt on the firm. That's a power couple right there.

5. Katrina Bennett - Probably the best cheerleader on the show. Does a great job of making Louis feel good about himself, no matter how bad things are going.

6. Donna Paulsen - She spent her time trying to clean up everyone's mess. Everybody took her advice, which was positive, but the fact that Rachel knew she would be home alone instead of on a date cuts deeper than she will let anyone know.

7. Rachel Zane - Confesses to being a "Dirty, filthy, disgusting, brutal, trash-bag ho." Well, she would have had Chris Jericho been there to coax her along at least. She is doubting the existence of love, and really, who could blame her? Let's look at all the prominent marriages at the law firm. First, there's...yep, not a single one. Franklin, it may be time to give up on love, but I think she can find someone to Bash her.

8. Jeff Malone - Jeff Malone is an idiot. He is very concerned that Jessica doesn't trust him in everything that he does. The problem with that is that he can't do his job competently, so he really has nothing to be mad about. Still, he must be one hell of a lover, because she apologized to him for him being incompetent and insubordinate, so good on you having some God-given talent in the bedroom.

9. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is breaking the law and feeling great about it until Forstman makes him take a bonus, so he is explicitly tied to breaking the law. Louis almost went all-in on his love with Sheila, but he decided to save Mike Ross, the man who convinced him that Sheila was engaged to Lorenzo Lamas. By bringing Mike in, he unknowingly exposed the firm even more to the investigation by the SEC.

10. Jessica Pearson - She is handing out favors to Louis, although it ultimately backfires when her worst nightmare is realized and Mike Ross is brought back to the firm. Also, she apologized to her incompetent boyfriend who messed up a contract and refused to double check it. You're dating a nincompoop, Jessica, a nincompoop.

11. Mike Ross - Turned down a million dollar signing bonus without a second thought. I'm gonna be real for a second. For a million dollar signing bonus, I would consider working for Hitler. Ultimately, I would turn it down, but I'd at least consider it, maybe even justify that I could take the money and be the bumbling buffoon of the Third Reich, screwing up things with hilarious antics, but even then, I couldn't take the risk that one of my stupid ideas would end up being brilliant and lead to a whole lot of bad things. Still, you have to consider that sort of offer. Harvey told him to find job advice, and he ended up going to a fantasy baseball nerd instead. Mike, winning your league is not as important as finding a new job (But if you're reading this, does he think that the Cardinals can turn around Justin Masterson? I'm asking for a friend who needs pitching help). Had he not been taking life advice from a poor man's Matthew Berry, he probably wouldn't have had his heart broken. Harvey gave Mike level-headed advice, but since Harvey's fantasy credentials are shaky, at best (He drafted Joey Votto and Jay Bruce, come on), Mike doesn't feel it necessary to listen to him.

12. Amy - Mike spent about three seconds concerned for her well-being, so that moment will likely go down as the most significance she has played in his life.

13. Logan Sanders - Fights like an idiot, and I'm not saying fighting is stupid, I'm saying his strategy literally could not have been worse. If you're going to shoot for a takedown, you need to finish that takedown. Mike didn't do any sort of sprawl to prevent it, but Logan just stopped his momentum and hugged Mike's waist like his little buddy. Then he gets hip tossed, which is probably a relief, since Mike easily could have dropped elbows on the back of his head which could have done all sorts of brain scrambling. No wonder Rachel wants nothing to do with him. If he is only taking half shots, what else is he only giving half effort on? FINISH YOUR SHOT.