As the title suggests, this is something that we all need to talk about. Ashley Burns from Uproxx called it the song of the summer, and it's really hard to argue. Let's just go straight to the video, because I'm still going through a lot of different emotions about this.
Wow...just, wow.
First thing that jumps out, is hoowee, this song is awful, but it doesn't take an expert analysis to figure that out. These are three of the least intimidating dudes on the planet and putting on eyeliner and smearing ketchup on their faces definitely does not help their cause. The next thing that really jumps out is they chop a lot of hot dogs in this video, but only one time is it actually connected to a person, and in that case, they are chopping their own "dick" off.
You're not really helping your cause with this demonstration. Still, let's break down the members of the group. Say hello to The Rusty One.
He seems to be the leader of the group, because he is allowed to say "yeah" while the chorus is going. He's a "hood rich killer who will leave you bloody like a tampon." Bloody like a tampon is every 12 year-old's clever saying, and I expect more from The Rusty One. The most important thing he says is, "Put your fucking dicks in the air for Dr. Consequence. Dr. Consequence is probably my favorite member of the crew.
He kills it with his line of, "Woop Woop, choppin' nuts, bangin' sluts, fuckin' butts," which is just how Dr. Consequence lives his his life. He also rides in a lot of helicopters, which is pretty boss.
Finally, there is Young Nino, who is the worst of the group.
Not only is he the token fat guy, but with the makeup and the green hair, he is the token fat guy who is trying way too hard to fit in, which just makes him more of an outcast. I bet he is the worst at dick choppin' parties, because he just tries WAY too hard. Also, most of his rap revolves around him drinking wine, which is the least dick choppin' of all alcohols.
Dr. Consequence leaves us with a nice heads up that we shouldn't worry, because he's a doctor. Still, the best line of this song comes from The Rusty One, where he states, "You want some trouble, but the minute I show up with scissors...ain't no safety scissors either." His scissors will straight cut yo dick off.
And that's the whole song. After listening to it a dozen times, is it still terrible? Well, that's a complicated question, because music is really subjective, but yes, it is very terrible. Still, god bless the Young Torture Killaz for this summer jam. Never change, fellas...never change.
I recently finished up scouting the Bears draft picks, and I asked if there was any other players that I should break down, I received the suggestion of Peachez. Peachez was one of four guys on the greatest reality show ever made, Keys to the VIP. You've never heard of it, because it only aired in Canada. Still, just about every episode is up on YouTube these days, so I'll wait while you go through each episode of the three seasons...done? Good. That was amazing, right? It's basically the perfect reality show, as they give supposed ladies men stupid tasks to complete, and it is always hilarious. If they succeed, it is usually funny to see what works, and if they fail, it is obviously hilarious to see how awful people are.
Each gentleman is an expert pickup artist descending from the four corners of the male psyche. Peachez is described as an "Ex All-Star jock inspired seduction specialist." It feels like there should be a comma in that description, but Peachez gonna Peach. I assume that is what he would say before going out with his boys. His real name is Emeka Bronson. All-Star jock seems like a tad bit of a stretch, since I can't find anything about his athletic career anywhere. But athletics is boring; let's focus on his real game and see some of the lessons that he lives by.
1.Teamwork is key.
You don't always need to be the star of the show, and sometimes being a great wingman is just as important, as, "every Maverick needs his Goose." My favorite part is that "dibs" is a well-respected law of picking up women, but he does at least determine dibs by whoever opens up the conversation with ladies. Fair is fair. I do find it a little disturbing that he makes pickup seem like soldiers going to war, but hey, whatever gets you ready to "sarge" is well worth it. Being a team player is important to Peachez, and I respect that.
2. You gotta have social value.
I would say there are probably easier ways to get ladies to notice you than increasing your social value. Peacocking would be effective in getting ladies to notice you, but you would look like an asshole, so his method is probably better. Peachez believes that as long as you get a bunch of hot chicks to surround you at the bar, you should be able to pick up chicks with no problems. Damnit, Peachez. If I had a bunch of hot chicks hanging around me at all times, I wouldn't need to go to the bar to pick up chicks. Looks like I better just keep wearing my furry hat, goggles, and six-inch platform shoes.
3. Peachez believes that getting girls out for a night of fun is easy. That is why he steps up his difficulty a little bit and tries to get the beautiful girls who are working when you are out on the town. Oh, but he's not going for waitresses or bartenders...
...he's going for strippers. Peachez knows that 90% of strippers have a strict, "Don't date the customers" policy, because he helped fund a research project to find out that very thing, and science don't lie, ya'll. So just don't become a customer. Make your buddy pay for her services for you, and then talk to her about feelings and stuff instead of having her grind on your crotch. The toughest part of picking up strippers is "telling your mother what your new lady does for a living." And if it doesn't work out, hey, you just tricked your buddy into paying for $100 private dance. Genius.
Peachez may never make the NFL, but he's still got Hall of Fame game.
"Parents Just Don't Understand" is a song that I have been meaning to break down for a while. Probably like 25 years, because this song is brilliant and also one of the most inappropriate songs ever written. Somehow it has avoided scrutiny. Well, Fresh Prince, if that is even your real name, today is the day that you pay the piper. I would hope you have already heard it, but here is a video for those uninitiated.
Now onto the lyrics.
You know parents are the same no matter time nor place They don't understand that us kids are gonna make some mistakes So to you, all the kids all across the land There's no need to argue, parents just don't understand
Okay, this is actually all very acceptable. Parents be parents just as women be shoppin.
I remember one year My mom took me school shopping It was me, my brother, my mom, oh, my pop, and my little sister All hopped in the car We headed downtown to the Gallery Mall My mom started bugging with the clothes she chose I didn't say nothing at first I just turned up my nose She said, "What's wrong? This shirt cost $20" I said, "Mom, this shirt is plaid with a butterfly collar!"
The Fresh Prince and I are totally on the same page on this one. This shirt is hideous. Sadly, this shirt is very likely to be fashionable soon if it is not already. Since I am in my late 20s, I have no idea what is cool with the kids these days.
The next half hour was the same old thing My mother buying me clothes from 1963 And then she lost her mind and did the ultimate I asked her for Adidas and she bought me Zips!
I just learned that his Mom did not buy him "zits." That never made sense, but you know, parents don't understand, and maybe his Mom bought pepperoni to rub on his face.
Oh, and what are Zips? They are just crappy shoes...with awesome commercials.
I said, "Mom, what are you doing, you're ruining my rep" She said, "You're only sixteen, you don't have a rep yet" I said, "Mom, let's put these clothes back, please" She said "no, you go to school to learn not for a fashion show" I said, "This isn't Sha Na Na, come on Mom, I'm not Bowzer Mom, please put back the bell-bottom Brady Bunch trousers
This is Sha Na Na; I have a totally new respect for this opening verse.
There is so much that is going on in that picture. I...I can't even...words cannot do that photo justice. Let's move on.
But if you don't want to I can live with that but You gotta put back the double-knit reversible slacks" She wasn't moved - everything stayed the same Inevitably the first day of school came I thought I could get over, I tried to play sick But my mom said, "No, no way, uh-uh, forget it" There was nothing I could do, I tried to relax I got dressed up in those ancient artifacts
He probably should have just worn his clothes from the year before. Even if they were a little small, I would think it would be a better solution. Come on Prince, you've got to know the basics in staying Fresh.
And when I walked into school, it was just as I thought The kids were cracking up laughing at the clothes Mom bought And those who weren't laughing still had a ball Because they were pointing and whispering As I walked down the hall
I wonder what those kids were thinking. Like, "Wow, that guy looks like a real asshole in those clothes, but there ain't no way I'm gonna laugh at The Fresh Prince. Let's just point and whisper, out of respect."
I got home and told my Mom how my day went She said, "If they were laughing you don't need them, Cause they're not good friends" For the next six hours I tried to explain to my Mom That I was gonna have to go through this about 200 more times So to you all the kids all across the land There's no need to argue Parents just don't understand
I would just like to pause that just about everything in this first verse is completely understandable from The Fresh Prince's perspective. He tried to reason with his Mom, and she just wouldn't listen, and it really ruined his first day of school. This is all understandable. I point that out, because this second verse is in no way, shape, or form, understandable.
Oh-kay, here's the situation My parents went away on a week's vacation and They left the keys to the brand new Porsche Would they mind?
Yes, very much so.
Umm, well, of course not
You are not accurately thinking like your parents.
I'll just take it for a little spin And maybe show it off to a couple of friends I'll just cruise it around the neighborhood Well, maybe I shouldn't Yeah, of course I should
Oh, Fresh Prince, I understand your teen angst and that you must drive their Porsche, but this will turn out to lead to numerous bad decisions later on.
Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot I pulled up to the corner at the end of my block That's when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking
This is the whole reason that I am writing this post. This whole scene is SOOOOO messed up. Please continue, Mr. Prince.
I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking You should've seen this girl's bodily dimensions I honked my horn just to get her attention She said, "Was that for me?" I said, "Yeah" She said, "Why?" I said, "Come on and take a ride with a helluva guy"
I really would like to find a way to reenact this scene but finding a random girl on the streets to get her part right would be really tough. And, I'm not sure the best way to respond when a girl tells me, "Go fuck yourself." Come on and take a ride with a helluva...shelf? Elf? That doesn't seem quite as charming.
She said, "How do I know you're not sick? You could be some deranged lunatic" I said, "C'mon toots - my name is The Prince Besides, would a lunatic have a Porsche like this?" She agreed and we were on our way
Woah, woah, woah. This scenario would never come close to playing out in real life. At least, dear god, I hope it does not happen in real life. If this is why there are so many missing girls, then some of the blame has to go to the ladies, because they ought to know better. These are very good questions from this young lady, but she should not accept these answers. If a man has a nice car, calls you "toots," and refers to himself as, "The Prince" run for your life. There is no positive outcome in that scenario.
She was looking very good and so was I, I must say - word We hit McDonald's, pulled into the drive
Thought in Fresh Prince's head, "Just picked up a hot date, better take her to the best restaurant in town. You know my motto? LL Big M - Ladies Love Big Macs."
We ordered two Big Macs and two large fries with Cokes She kicked her shoes off onto the floor She said, "Drive fast, speed turns me on" She put her hand on my knee, I put my foot on the gas We almost got whiplash, I took off so fast The sun roof was open , the music was high And this girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh
This is an incredibly disturbing thought if you know where this song is headed. So, so, very disturbing.
She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far
Oh, God, that is WAY worse.
I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car
That's bad.
We're doing ninety in my Mom's new Porsche And to make this long story short - short When the cop pulled me over I was scared as hell I said, "I don't have a license but I drive very well, officer"
That's worse.
I almost had a heart attack that day Come to find out the girl was a twelve-year-old runaway
WHAT? 12? 12 years old? A twelve-year-old? This song was recorded in 1988, which would have made The Fresh Prince 20 years old. I don't think I have ever, even when I was 12, thought, "You should have seen this girl's bodily dimensions," about a 12 year old. When I was 12, I wasn't thinking that about 12 years old. When I was 20, I didn't come across many 12 year olds, and I certainly didn't drive around town in my 1993 Mercury Tracer trying to pick them up off the street. Not to mention this was a runaway, meaning that this girl was either in week-old clothing or simply down to wearing a potato sack. That is what got The Fresh Prince to think, "Wow, that girl is beautiful. I love her My Little Pony backpack and how she is playing with Barbies on the side of the street." That's way fucked up, and this was a popular song that nobody saw any issues with 25 years ago. This song will never be covered, because the person who sings that would immediately be brought in by the FBI for questioning. Anyway, let's move on...
I was arrested, the car was impounded There was no way for me to avoid being grounded
GROUNDED? You're worried about being grounded? That should be the least of your worries. In all honesty, you should be ecstatic that you got arrested before you committed statutory rape. I would send those cops a nice fruit basket.
My parents had to come off from vacation to get me I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me
Dude, you have no idea how close you came to finding out that jail is way WAY worse than having your father hit you. Your butt was nearly turned into a community glory hole.
My parents walked in I got my grip, I said, "Ah, Mom, Dad, how was your trip?" They didn't speak - I said, "I want to plead my case" But my father just shoved me in the car by my face That was a hard ride home, I don't know how I survived They took turns - one would beat me while the other was driving I can't believe it, I just made a mistake
No. No no no no no no no. That is not a mistake. Forgetting to lock the door is a mistake. Leaving the windows open with the AC on is a mistake. Nearly committing statutory rape is most certainly not a mistake.
Well parents are the same no matter time nor place So to you all the kids all across the land Take it from me, parents just don't understand
Sure, he almost went to jail for 20 years, but you really should have seen this 12 year old's bodily dimensions.
This is the final installment of looking at the Bears draft picks, as I do not have the resources to look up every undrafted free agent. I hope those guys understand. If there is somebody that your team drafted that you would like to see a breakdown of, shoot me an email uncensoredwriting@gmail.com, hit me up on Twitter @HottJoe or post it to the Uncensored Writing Facebook group. But now onto the Bears seventh round draft pick, Marquess Wilson, from Washington State, kind of. I'll be looking at his games against Colorado and Oregon in one super video.
The first thing that jumped out at me with Wilson is that he does an excellent job of using his body and also snatching the ball out of the air away from his body. This first play is an excellent example of this.
He knows there is a defender behind him, and even though that defender is too far away to even attempt a play on the ball, it is good technique to shield that defender away and catch the ball away from the body.
This athleticism is fun to see from a good sized receiver.
He gives a dip in his shoulder to avoid one tackler, and then he just hits the jets and outruns everybody to the end zone.
My biggest concern with Wilson's game is his ability to make catches when there is contact. I love his technique as he does try to snatch the ball away from his body, but it just looks like his hands aren't strong enough when he has to deal with contact. There was a string of plays early on against Oregon that help illustrate his issues.
None of those drops are egregious on their own, but it does create a bad pattern. It was a bunch of almost catches where you give a little credit to the defense and a little fault to the receiver, but those are plays that need to be made at the next level, because he is going to be experiencing a lot of contact at the next level.
The good news is that he is very good at tracking the ball and putting himself in a position to make the catch.
Overall, this is a good fit for the Bears. The drops are concerning, but he can stretch the field, which should help the passing game. If the Bears throw him on the field with Alshon Jeffrey and Brandon Marshall, they can definitely create some matchup problems. I definitely expect him to stick with the team and progressively get more playing time as the season goes on.
Continuing my series to review each of the Bears 2013 draft picks, I will look at sixth round pick, Cornelius Washington, a defensive end out of Georgia. I will admit that I know nothing about Washington as every time I watched Georgia, I was focusing on Jarvis Jones and Alec Ogletree. Luckily, the magic of the internet has video highlighting him, so it's time to check out what the Bears got by reviewing his game against traditional SEC power, Missouri.
The first play of the game will go on Washington's highlight reel. It will not go on Missouri's right tackle's highlight reel.
Yeah, Washington just gives a little shake, the offensive tackle never punches him, so Washington just clubs him out of the way with his outside arm and has a free run to the wide receiver playing quarterback. A lot of this was poor technique, but it was still a real nice play from Washington. Let's look at a still shot.
Oh yeah. That's an offensive lineman's worst night nightmare, and a defensive lineman's wet dream.
He is definitely a good athlete with nice explosion off the ball. He can cause issues with his burst if the lineman is slow out of his stance without having to do much with his hands.
Since Missouri does a lot of read option, Washington has to stay and maintain the edge position to keep things inside the tackles. It doesn't look too impressive, but it is useful in the overall defensive scheme.
His explosiveness definitely caused Missouri problems in this game. This isn't a huge play, but he really causes havoc by not letting the tackle keep him on the outside and tackling the quarterback for a short loss.
Offensive linemen with poor technique are going to get destroyed by Washington, because he can make them pay. I expect him to destroy the Bears fifth round pick, Jordan Mills, is likely going to get destroyed in drills during summer camp.
One thing he consistently shows is that he knows how to use power with his hands. He makes violent contact if the offensive lineman does not get a good initial shove on him, and he can really cause problems. Missouri's offensive line didn't look very good, but Washington looks like a very real prospect. I keep trying to find the glaring weakness in his game, but I'm just not seeing it. I don't think he's an All-Pro, but at worst, he can come in early and rush the passer on third downs and develop into more as time goes on.
I didn't know anything about him going in, but going out, I think this is my favorite pick from the Bears draft class in 2013.
Moving on in the series of checking out of each of the Chicago Bears picks, it is time for fifth round pick, Jordan Mills, an offensive tackle out of Louisiana Tech. This was definitely a pick for Mike Tice who feels he can turn coal into diamonds, because Mills is going to be a little raw playing at a smaller school, but he also has a lot of athletic potential. I'm pretty sure Tice still loves J'Marcus Webb, but the results haven't exactly matched the love. Hopefully this turns out better. I was not expecting to find tape on Mills, but sure enough, he has film against Texas A+M (I have to use a +, since the and symbol does not cooperate on blogger), which is a great chance to see how he performs against top competition.
He is a massive man who handled the right tackle responsibilities for Louisiana Tech. He knows how to use his size and power in the run game, as he completely clears out the Texas A+M defensive end.
When he can get his hands on the defender and just use his strength, he is going to be in good shape, but this guy is definitely raw as you will see on the play below. His guy does not get the sack here, but that's only because his teammate beat him to it. When you focus on this play, just look at Mills's right foot.
That is the tiniest kick step in the history of organized football. No offensive tackle can possibly have a defensive end lined up outside of them, use that as their first step and expect to have any chance at stopping the rusher. I've watched this play a dozen times, and it shocks me every time.
That is the most egregious example, but it is definitely not the only example of that tiny first step. Basically, he's wasting the fact that he knows the snap count by not putting himself in a good position. In college, he was so big that it did not cost him as badly as it will in the professional ranks.
The physical tools are there, but his footwork needs to improve by leaps and bounds for him to even become a passable pass blocker. That makes him a project, and considering it is a fifth round pick, it is not too concerning that the Bears went this route.
Well, it's been a while, but I am still going to try to get through all the Bears draft picks with decent YouTube tape on them. For previous installments, you can learn more about Kyle Long here, and more about Jonathan Bostic here. Since the Bears had no third round pick, it is time to jump to the fourth round and look at Rutgers linebacker, Khaseem Greene. Greene was somebody I liked from the limited information I had about him, so I was excited about the pick and his chances to come in early and make an impact. The guy is a great athlete, and he was somebody who made a lot of plays in college, two things that get me very excited. I took a look at his game against Arkansas to get a better idea about his skills.
One thing that he seems to do well is reading the quarterback's eyes to recognize where he should be dropping in his zone. This is a good example of him using the quarterback's eyes to figure out where he should be going in his zone.
It's a situation where he may have some peripheral sight of the wide receiver, but the big key is reading Tyler Wilson's eyes and cutting off that route. He closed down the passing lane and made Wilson throw the ball away.
Even though he was good in zone coverage, it is not a wise idea to line him up on the team's best receiver in man-to-man coverage
.
He may be athletic, but, yeah, that's not the team's best decision. Also, the safety did a really poor job on that play. Coverage wise, he's solid but not totally smooth in turning his hips and running down the field. I still think he has the speed to handle responsibilities in most coverage schemes, just don't line him up on receivers with no help.
For the running game, he has some work to do. He does a good job of reading plays, but he can get swallowed up by blockers since he is not a huge linebacker. I would like to see him be stronger on contact. Also, he doesn't always do a good job of finishing his tackles. This is probably the most egregious example of that:
That's a tackle that you need to make, and it cost his team about eight yards.
In this game against Arkansas, he really struggled to read plays and attack the hole. He always seemed a little hesitant on making moves. On this play, he just badly misreads the play. He vacates the hole that the running back was looking for on the counter, and it leads to a huge gain by the offense.
He moves to his right, but he isn't going to make a play on that side either way. Either he is just going to add to the pile, or the running back will try to break it outside on there. Instead, the running back cuts back to where Greene should have been and turns it into a first down. Greene is relatively new to linebacker, so it may be something that he can improve on, but right now, he is really just relying on pure athleticism to make plays.
One good thing that I saw a lot of was that he really tried to strip the ball from people when making tackles, which means he should fit in well with the rest of the Bears defense.
Overall, he is going to be a good coverage linebacker that has a good chance of at least getting third down snaps this year. His background as a safety really helps him there. Unfortunately, his lack of experience at linebacker could hurt him as he is just a split second slow at diagnosing plays. If he can improve that aspect of his game, he has the athleticism to be a solid outside linebacker.
Now that the NFL Draft is over, it is time for everyone to grade drafts, which is stupid, and yet we all feel like we must do it. It's the reason we overreact to one week of baseball games or a single football game. That's what we do; we jump to conclusions, because despite us having very limited evidence of anything, WE JUST KNOW. What everyone knows right now is the Bears had a poor draft. All that really means is that the internet and ESPN experts did not expect them to go as high.
Here's the thing about every pick in the draft. They are all RIDICULOUSLY good at football. When you read my report on Jonathan Bostic, it is incredibly negative, but then I saw a skill that very few people have, and I could envision why the Bears front office would be excited about him.
Now it's time to break down a big nasty. There's nothing more fun than the play of the offensive line. That is why everyone should read Ben Muth on Football Outsiders. I always wanted to be an offensive lineman. Unfortunately, I am 5'9" and have bulked up to 160 pounds at age 28, so my dream was shattered before it ever began. Kyle Long does not have this issue as he is 6'6" and over 300 pounds. Those are the good numbers. The bad numbers are 4 and 25. 4 is the number of starts he had in college, and 25 is how old he will be turning during his rookie season. Still, let's not get caught up in all that and look at the tape of his game against USC.
After watching the first minute of tape, I realized that it is really hard to analyze guard play. It's a lot of them just holding their ground and me saying, "Well, that looked solid." He does look athletic when he pulls, and he showed a good motor of always trying to find guys to block until the play was over.
What makes it even more difficult is that Oregon runs outside a ton, and runs a lot of zone read plays, so judging a guard when there isn't a whole lot of pounding the ball up the middle makes it even tougher.
His hand work looked like it could use some work as a lot of time he would just try to shoulder bump people in his pass protection.
This was the best play I saw when breaking things down.
He does a great job of sealing off the defensive tackle with help from his center, and then peeling off and getting enough of the safety to help his running back get in the end zone.
Him being 6'6" at guard definitely hurt him at times. Defensive tackles were able to get under him, which made it impossible for him to move them out of the way. I am a fan of a college program that has every great prospect start at guard before moving them to the outside, and it works pretty well for them, but it does make me think that his long-term future is probably at tackle.
So what do the Bears have? Potential. I think he has the skillset to step in and be a near average guard to start off. With his size and athleticism, I think the Bears are hoping that he is able to progress and move outside. This was a pick based a lot on potential. Pick #20 seemed a little early for that, but if everything pans out how the Bears envision, they will look like geniuses. All we can do is wait and see.
