Thursday, September 3, 2015

Savio Vega Is Mr. In Your House

Shawn Michaels earned the moniker of Mr. WrestleMania as he put on a ton of legendary performances on the biggest stage of all. Now, I find it more than slightly debatable than The Hearbreak Kid is the true Mr. WrestleMania. Since I am a lifelong Hulkamaniac, I obviously put Hogan very high on the list, and Undertaker could definitely make a claim. Still, it got me thinking about who would be the guy known as the embodiment of other pay per views. After thinking about the impact that people had and what those PPVs meant, there was really only one clear choice to take that honor. And that is why Savio Vega is Mr. In Your House.

Think about it: In Your House is probably one of the worst PPVs that the WWE has ever had, and that sounds like I am demeaning Savio Vega. In a way, I am, but any PPV is better than no PPV, and although I was never a huge Savio Vega guy, it is better to have Savio Vega instead of nobody at all.

And don't get it twisted, this man made an impact at many of the In Your Houses. He debuted on it to help out Razor Ramon, and proceeded to personify a dark period in WWE history. Savio was a good guy, because the WWE decided you should cheer for him. He was an honorable dude, but he never really did anything. He was basically Rocky Maivia without the looks and charisma. He was the transitional WWE Superstar, to get people doing more important things, much like In Your House was a transitional PPV to get to something that was actually important.

He hung out with Santa Claus for In Your House 5, and Million Dollar Man tried to buy Savio, but Savio wouldn't let him, because of his belief in Santa Claus. Then Santa Claus attacked Savio, as he had been bought by Million Dollar Man. It turns out that it was actually Xanta Klaus, who is from the South Pole and steals presents. Xanta Claus lasted one other night, which is about the most In Your House thing possible.

If you think that was the end of his run against Million Dollar Man, you would be sorely mistaken. First, he lost to Stone Cold Steve Austin, but he vowed revenge in a Caribbean Strap Match. Ted DiBiase was so confident that he said he would retire if Savio won. Well, Mr. In Your House took it to Stone Cold and won the match to boot DiBiase over to WCW. Vega managed to do this a month before Stone Cold won the King of the Ring and began his ascension to superstardom. Stone Cold may have been great, but he was not Mr. In Your House.

Oh, and in one of the most In Your House things ever, he literally had the same feud with Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw that he did with Stone Cold in that Bradshaw won their first match, and then Vega beat him in a Caribbean Strap Match. Yes, Savio Vega could definitely be called, Mr. Caribbean Strap Match.

Instead, he became Mr. In Your House. A forgettable superstar matching a forgettable string of Pay Per Views. But In Your House was a Pay Per View, and Savio Vega was a WWE Superstar. Savio Vega embodies the importance of just making it there. His career may be forgettable for a WWE Superstar, but it is still more memorable than 99.9% of the general population. Mr. In Your House may not be Mr. WrestleMania, but it's still one hell of an impressive accomplishment.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

I'm Training MMA Again

Let me just start by making one thing clear: I am not tough. Although I have learned how to deal with a moderate amount of pain through training, I do not like pain. If I see a bee buzzing around, I freak out, because getting stung sounds awful to me. Pain is terrible, and I would way rather be comfortable. But for me, MMA has never really been about the pain, it has been more about hte competition. As we become adults, we really don't have many outlets for competition. Most sports are beer leagues, which may be fun, but it doesn't really fill that competitive void.

I have had the itch for a while. Some of that itch is an admitted Napoleon Complex. Other times I think it is just the pursuit of competition. Maybe I'm just the world's biggest sissy masochist where I want to feel pain but not too much pain, because pain hurts. And it may just be that I want to be good at something. Since my job search has been a frustrating mess, just being able to go out and be good and get even better at something definitely has appeal.

Last time, I had the time and lack of responsibilities to go to a world class gym. This new place is different. As far as I know, they haven't produced any UFC fighters. Still, they have legitimate trainers who are good enough to help me keep improving for the foreseeable future.

On my first day, I got partnered with another guy who had not done it for a while but had experience training. I realized I had definitely retained some knowledge as I ragdolled him like I was a boss. I was feeling really good about myself.

I should have left after the grappling side of things.

Instead, I stuck around for Muay Thai. I strike like an 8-year-old girl So after flailing around for an hour, at the end of practice we went three rounds and took turns kicking each other's thighs. In the final round, I got partnered with a girl, and I had to bite down on my mouthpiece as hard as I could just to avoid tears from streaming down my face. I am not a tough guy.

But it's okay to not be a tough guy. Fighting is for tough guys. Training in MMA is not for tough guys, and I'm living proof of that. I don't know exactly what void MMA fills for me, but the physical pain usually ends in mental bliss (after practices, I have so much adrenaline that I feel nothing; unfortunately, the adrenaline wears off after a while, and I feel like death about 15 minutes later), so we'll see how long a wuss like me can stick with it.

Monday, August 31, 2015

I'm All In On Jameis Winston

I had the opportunity to watch the Buccaneers play their second preseason game against the Bengals last Monday. It was a good chance to catch some football and do a little scouting for my upcoming fantasy drafts. And I have to say, after watching him play for just a quarter and a half, I am all in on Jameis Winston

Now logically, I know I can easily get really wrapped up in players when I see them perform live. The most prominent example of this is Sammy Watkins. In my head, I don't know if Watkins is a star wide receiver in the NFL, but in my heart, I know it to be a 100% fact from watching him torch Ohio State in the Orange Bowl a couple years ago. I cannot erase those memories. He was quick, he was crisp, and he was powerful. I don't know how Sammy Watkins can be stopped, and I hope he's healthy enough to prove it this year.

Also, I know that it was just a preseason game. I know that you can't judge a guy's numbers and make any sweeping conclusion about someone's talent in the preseason. But I'm not worried about the statistics, I'm worried about the process, and Jameis Winston showed the necessary processes to become a champion. 

Cincinnati's pass rush didn't look special, but Winston was also going through his progressions quickly and firing off strikes to his receivers. Although the Bucs looked good while Winston was in, they would have liked a whole lot better if offensive penalties wouldn't have put them in tough positions to keep drives going. Had they been able to clean up their play, they may have scored on every drive, because Winston was easily carving up the Bengals coverage. 

Jameis Winston is smooth, accurate, and unafraid to challenge defenders, and as Enzo Amore says, "You can't teach that." I know Winston may be controversial, but when it comes to football, he's going to be really, really good.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Let's Talk About the 1992 Halloween Havoc Promo

Before we get started, please watch the following video. Note: You may think it's terrible, but trust me, it gets worse, so you need to keep watching (but the final two minutes are filler so skip that), as it is rare for anything to be this fascinatingly bad...badass that is.

That's a lot to take in, so let's try our best to break it down.

Jim Ross and Jesse Ventura
Not only two legendary announcers, but also them talking about Jesse Ventura's first political victory that would eventually lead him to become the Governor of Minnesota and get his own conspiracy show.

The Doorman
A doorman opens the eye slot and says, "Spin the wheel," so Madusa, who is on the other side of th door just has to figure out a rhyme for that and she correctly follows with, "Make the deal." I would fire this doorman.

The Crowd
The crowd is a group of degenerates that react to absolutely everything. They are basically like the live-studio audience at Saved by the Bell tapings, only these people are caught on camera and cosplaying a biker gang.

The Midget
He just randomly screams pointless stuff. He's the worst, but still an essential, part of this video.

The Interaction
Jake The Snake Roberts definitely outacts poor Sting by quite a bit.
But the big thing is how they interact with each other. It is clear that Sting and Jake Roberts were not in the same room. They had an idea of what the other one was going to say, but clearly not exactly as their reactions to the other one make ZERO sense. It's amazing. Jake literally tells sting he is going to make him wish he was never born, and Sting just replies with a, "You talk too much, get to the point." The point is that he is going to beat you so badly that you will wish you were never born, were you not paying attention?

Eye Explosion
This video epitomizes early 90s WCW. It's amazing.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

I Know Nothing About Pregnancy

Okay, so I don't know nothing about pregnancy. I mean, I understand how it happens. It's the classic tale of a man and woman fall in love with each other, and then a stork comes by and has sex with the woman with its magical baby-yielding powers. That part is simple.

But everything else? I don't have a clue. You should also know that I did zero research on the topic, so I could stay as ignorant as possible. These are my thoughts on pregnancy.

To start off, like, ladies go into labor. What does that really mean? Like, the baby doesn't just start coming out at the beginning of labor, so what even constitutes going into labor?

Their water breaks. All I know is that when I've seen that happen in sitcoms, ladies act like they just peed their pants really bad and then a baby comes out like 30 seconds later. I assume it is not that easy. Also, my mind was blown when I found out ladies can go into labor before their water breaks. Is everything I have seen on TV a lie?

And real talk, I feel embarrassed about this, but how do babies breathe in there? I know they went over this in Sex Ed, but I cannot remember how that worked. I thought they had a tube that got them air somehow, but I'm pretty sure there is just the tube into their stomach area, but maybe that provides food and air. Maybe babies can breathe in mucus until they actually emerge from the womb. The latter is starting to sound right to me. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I just made babies sound like mermaids/mermen, and I'm not sure if I want to put my full weight behind that theory.

Oh shit, that reminds me about the best pregnancy story I ever heard. This lady at work said her daughter was going to the bathroom and bam, a baby popped out, and she didn't even know she was pregnant. She was super happy about being a grandparent, so good for her, but this is not a story I would tell all of my coworkers. Also, this story threw my mind for a loop, because of this next part, which I do not understand at all.

How in the blue hell does a baby come out of a woman? Like, seriously. I know ladies complain about this and how tough they are, but the physics of it all makes no sense to me. I get that mammals do this, but I haven't seen animals of any kind produce a spawn, and my brain cannot fathom how this could possibly work.

Oh, and this is a major deal in today's society with shitloads of technology. How did any lady survive this?

Think about it historically. Imagine giving birth to something. Your only reaction had to be What...The...Fuck. This mucusy monster just exited a hole that was not big enough for it to exit out of, and it starts crying like a butthole (crying is good, right? I think crying is good, but again, I know so little that it may be the opposite). The umbilical cord means it is still attached to your insides, right? I don't know about you, but if I were a woman with this thing that came out of me that still had a cord attached to my insides, I would not want that cord cut. That may be my lifeline. Who knows how important that cord might be? Bravo to the first lady who is like, "Fuck it, cut the cord," because there is no way she knew that she would survive. And she did survive. She must have felt like Dalton after ripping out a man's throat; at worst she felt at least as good as the bad guy in Road House after he fucked guys like Dalton in prison. It's a truly badass maneuver.

Anyway pregnancy sounds really messed up, and God and/or Science is way messed up for designing things like that.

Oh yeah, and shoutout to my sister for going through this mysterious journey and producing a baby boy.

Monday, August 24, 2015

I Went To A Free Pro Wrestling Show In Florida

Coming from the Midwest, the best thing about Florida is probably the weather. I hate the cold, so being rid of it is a very nice feeling. The second best thing about living in Florida is that is a great state for pro wrestling fans. NXT has their tapings near Orlando, and they have house shows throughout the state, so it's pretty easy to see great wrestling for $10. Despite the great value that NXT provides, this weekend, I found an even better value as there was a free pro wrestling show in Tampa this past weekend.

It was something called Ring Warriors, and although I had never heard of them, they totally exceeded my expectations. It was a taping, as the ring announcer stated that they air in multiple countries worldwide. Good luck finding out what those countries are/if they exist, as their webpage isn't exactly chock full of information.

Still, they had a solid setup with professional video cameras and everything. As for the talent, I would call it a mixed bag. There were a lot of guys that were just your run-of-the-mill independent wrestlers who were sometimes quite old, often out of shape, and fine at best in the ring. But mixed in were actually guys who I had heard of like Sonjay Dutt, Michael Tarver, and Wes Brisco. Sure, those aren't big names, but those are guys who had runs in WWE and TNA respectively. Still, the best wrestler there was just hanging out as Ring of Honor Champion, Jay Lethal was taking pictures with fans. As for the biggest star who wrestled, that would be Simply Tremendous Dude, better known as STD, best known as Mosh from The Headbangers. I'll admit, I got pretty pumped when I recognized him, but then he got beat in like three minutes, so I don't think he'll be getting that Ring Warriors title push anytime soon.

The biggest highlight of the night was being seated next to one of the wrestler's fiancee. She was super drunk and could barely string thoughts together. The one thing that she made clear is that she was shocked that my wife and I were in attendance despite not knowing any of the wrestlers personally. That probably says more about me than it says about her, but shit dog, it's free pro wrestling; it's not like I needed a hookup for tickets. Her shining moment came later in the night as she repeatedly put her hand on my knee. It was some super drunken awkwardness, and shortly thereafter, her friends escorted her out of the building.

The biggest wrestling highlight was Maxwell Chicago. For a reference point, this is Maxwell Chicago:
Mr. Chicago had to face off against some really fat dude, who managed to have maybe the worst in-ring interview in history. It went something like this.

Interviewer: Maxwell Chicago has challenged you to a match. Do you accept his challenge.
Fat Dude: (Long Pause) Man, what do you think?

And scene. That was seriously it. Then Chicago came down, tried to cheap shot the guy, and fat dude just started crushing him. Finally Maxwell Chicago tried to mount a comeback by punching him in the gut with the limpest punches you have ever seen. It was the stuff of six-year-old girls, but it was entertaining. The part where I laughed way too hard was where Maxwell Chicago got the ref distracted and then nailed fat dude with a low blow. This low blow inexplicably knocked the fat dude into a state of unconsciousness, and Chicago got the win. I'm usually a cheer for the good guys, boo for the bad guys at small shows, but that deserved a cheer in my opinion, wrestling tropes be damned.

This free pro wrestling event was scheduled for three hours, but unfortunately, we only made it through a little over two hours, as we learned one incredibly valuable lesson: If you're putting on a free pro wrestling show, you don't exactly get the best smelling people in attendance. I would say 50% of the smell can be attributed to people smelling like their cigarettes after a smoke break, but the other 50% was just some good ol' fashioned BO. My wife has the nose of a bloodhound (in her smelling abilities, not literally; otherwise, that would have been a really weird plastic surgery procedure), so she's very sensitive to smells, and since we had definitely had our money's worth, we decided to call it a night.

 I'll probably never know whether Sonjay Dutt won the Hiro Matsuda Invitational or, more importantly, whether the fat dude recovered from the low blow to pass his concussion tests.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

The Debut of the New World Order

The nWo is probably my favorite big pro wrestling thing ever. I mean, yeah, who doesn't love the Katie Vick saga, and Dr. D David Schultz calling Hulk Hogan a cross-dressing homosexual? Those are great small things, but the nWo is the coolest thing that pro wrestling has ever provided us.

But before it became too big and was half-filled with jobbers like Vincent and Horace Hogan, even before Hulk Hogan turned heel for the first time, before Big Sexy, Kevin Nash, joined up, it all started with one man, Scott Hall.

Before Hall even showed up, it was already a momentous occasion, as it was the first ever two-hour Nitro. Two-hour Nitros are hilarious in that no matter what is going on, they will shoot off fireworks the second that hour two starts. They literally just start blowing off fireworks in the middle of matches every other week, because they don't know how to time things out.

It was a solid show, but it was given an exclamation point with the appearance from Scott Hall. Not only did Hall make a surprise appearance, but he came out in jeans and a denim vest to let everyone that he is BOUT DAT LIFE.

Hall actually did a great job of making it seem like he was still with WWE. He made WCW seem white trash while referring to Billionaire Ted, Nacho Man, and Scheme Gene, names that all came from WWE's worst long-running gimmick ever, instead of using their real names.

I will say that Scott Hall struggled more when he confronted the announce team of Eric Bischoff and Bobby Heenan as he keeps repeating himself as he doesn't quite get his lines right the first time. Still, Bischoff and especially Heenan do a great job of selling it.

The next week, he shows up in the same Canadian Business Casual look. He basically says the same thing again, but this time Sting slaps him. He then says that he has a big surprise, and the rest, as they say, is history. Overall, it was a memorable first step, which led to one of the most iconic stables in wrestling history.

Oh, and if you're wondering what was going on at the same time on Raw. WWE competed with Goldust making out with Ahmed Johnson. That is the 100% truth, so...yeah, the Attitude Era, a true golden age of wrestling.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

A Comprehensive Breakdown of La Parka's Debut

I love La Parka, and honestly, if you don't, that's your bad, not mine. La Parka is awesome. And even before he became the chairman of WCW, he was awesome. La Parka was the first luchador that I could truly get behind, because he was this fat skeleton dude that would fly off the top rope and do dance moves. What more could you ask for? And that is why I want to honor Mr. Parka by breaking down his WCW debut where he squared off against Juventud Guerrera.

Few remember this, but La Parka made an entrance with style. He had not mastered his dance mvoes yet, but he did come out in this beautiful red and black robe.
He was basically the Ric Flair of Mexico. Although many felt he was missing the revolving door of women around him. He wasn't missing it; he just kept his game tight and kept it in the background so every sidepiece he had felt like his bottom bitch.

Although the robe was great, things truly got incredible when he took the robe off.
Even his chestpad has a face of terror on it. Does that face look familiar to you? Because it sure looked familiar to me...
Yeah, La Parka definitely made his debut with a robe and a Brak chestpad. This man knows how to make an impact.

But La Parka was more than just some fancy duds, as he was also entertaining inside of the ring. It wasn't just his wrestling prowess that shined bright like a diamond, as he was already perfecting those dance moves that made him so famous. Here is La Parka performing a Spinarooni.
Remember, I said he was perfecting his dance moves. I didn't say that he had perfected them quite yet.

But don't get it twisted, La Parka could flat out wrestle, and he showed some pretty awesome moves in his match with Juventud Guerrera when he wasn't struggling to get off the mat.

You want some traditional lucha libre wrestling from a giant man in a skeleton outfit? Then La Parka has you covered. Just look at this totally not giving a shit about the safety of anyone in the arena suicide dive he pulls off here.

You want the skeleton man to jump from the top rope to the outside? La Parka has you covered.

And if you need an epic finish for your wrestling matches. Don't worry. La Parka combines impenetrable defense with explosive offense.
Wrestlers could really learn from La Parka's strategy of just holding onto the ropes anytime that somebody went for a high-risk maneuver.

La Parka put on a show in his debut, and they probably should have given Goldberg's streak to La Parka and put WWE out of business by 2002. But, things turned out differently. Still, WWE knew the mystical powers of La Parka and kept him out of the WCW Invasion.

La Parka para la vida.