Tuesday, November 1, 2016

My Neighbor Is Amazing

I'm not often impressed by people. Most people are just people. They have good qualities; they have bad qualities, and it mostly balances out where everybody is equally great and also everybody equally sucks. But occasionally, someone is able to break that mold and truly separate from the pack of normals. My neighbor is one of these people.

Now, unfortunately, this is not my next door neighbor, but he does live around the corner from me, and I do get the pleasure of driving by his house every day. This man is such a patriot that he doesn't just have a Trump sign, he also has a Trump flag proudly displayed in the front of his house. Oh, but don't think he's done there, as his car is decked out in Trump stickers and decals. But, since this man is a true patriot, he also has two American flags hanging up front.

Speaking of flags, I noticed an American flag that was black with one blue stripe down the middle. Most of you probably know what this means, but I had no idea, so I searched on the Internet and, of course it is the official flag of #BlueLivesMatter. This man just loves this country so damn much.

But it doesn't stop there. I was walking the dog by his house one day and he had one bay of his garage open, so I was able to take a peak inside. I expected to see more Trump flags hanging, but yet again, I underestimated this, mysterious, wonderful, enigma, because he steps up in the garage as he proudly flies the confederate flag. Led by the police, the south will rise again, hence, making America great again. It's so simple and poetic.

And then I saw the man, and it was better than I could have possibly dreamed. A man, in his 50s, with a THICK mustache and mullet. This wasn't a white trash mullet. This was the full permed out pompadour look that shows this man has never lost a fight, because it's pretty clear he only beats women.

I need to learn more about this angel from God. I mean, the views that he outwardly supports are pretty offensive on their own. Imagine the stuff that he believes in his heart that he can't find flags for. Does he share beliefs with Mormons where blacks are evil souls that were cursed with dark skin? Does he think gays are actually evil aliens that are trying to ruin America? Does he call them Gayliens?

Although I know that any thoughts are possible, I still couldn't properly prepare for any of his takes that are hotter than the sun's surface. My brain would probably explode by his second belief.

My neighbor is amazing. An amazing piece of shit, but amazing nonetheless.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Dan Henderson: The World's Most Interesting Fighter

Dan Henderson recently retired after a close (some would say controversial) decision loss to UFC Champion, Michael Bisping. Henderson's career will be underrated by many, as his prime happened outside of the UFC. Even with that, it's tough to make an argument that Henderson is the greatest fighter ever, but it's also hard to make an argument against him being the world's most interesting fighter.

Unless you are a truly hardcore MMA fan, you probably don't remember Dan Henderson's early UFC career. It was during the dark ages of the UFC, and Henderson, with two fights and limited MMA training, went out and won a four-man tournament at 205 pounds. You would probably assume that he was facing off against guys that were just as limited as him, but he actually went out and beat two legitimate mixed martial artists. Allan Goes, who did not have any signature wins, had two of the most high quality draws in the sport against Frank Shamrock and Kazushi Sakuraba. And then in the finals, Dan fought Carlos Newton, who although was undersized for that weight class, became a UFC Champion by beating Pat Miletich a few years later. Those were guys with years of training and fights, and Dan Henderson walked in and beat them.

I should also mention that this began the legend of "Decision" Dan Henderson (the nickname was fair early in his career, even though he had enough huge finishes to make it obsolete by the end). Henderson had 22 of 47 of his fights go to decision, but that number is toned down due to late career Dan Henderson, with seven of his final eight fights being finishes. More incredible is he had nine split decisions in his career. Almost 20% of his fights were split decisions. I don't know where to find the records for that, so I'll just assume that Henderson is the Babe Ruth of split decisions.

After that, he went to Rings where he took out a couple of nobodies, and then on February 26, 2000, he had maybe the most impressive night in MMA history. In the first round, he faced Gilbert Yvel, who was 20-3 at the time and basically knocking out everyone that he faced (when he wasn't getting DQ'd), but Decision Dan would not be denied. Then he took on the greatest heavyweight fighter before Fedor Emelianenko, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira. a man that only lost once in his first 21 fights. Unfortunately for Nogueira, that one loss was to Dan Henderson by split decision. After that, he took on Babalu in the finals. Babalu, a man who won his first twelve professional fights before taking on Henderson where he experienced the unlucky number 13, as Henderson won by majority decision. Yvel, Big Nog, and Babalu: There is nobody who has beaten anything close to that caliber of competition in a single night.

With that, Henderson made the move to Pride. Since this is Dan Henderson, he lucked into an easy fight to start off his Pride career, taking on the most terrifying fighter in MMA history, The Axe Murderer, Wanderlei Silva. Pride was the premiere organization at the time, and Silva didn't lose in his first 17 fights, and when he lost in his 18th, it was controversial. Although Henderson took his first loss, you could make a pretty strong argument that he won the fight.

He followed up his first loss by beating Renzo Gracie. That's a good win, but not too special. What was special was that Henderson won by knockout. He learned to throw a right hand, and that would become incredibly important later in his career.

I'd like to take a brief aside to address something. During this whole time, Henderson was still working on representing the United States in Greco-Roman Wrestling, as he didn't give up wrestling until 2001, when he had already twelve professional fights over four years without yet focusing on fighting full time. Yes, he had probably the greatest night in MMA history without even being a full time mixed martial artist. Dan Henderson was so fucking cool.

He finally bedcame a full time MMA fighter and fought in Pride for the next six years. Over that six year span, he lost four times, but only once was it to someone in his actual weight class. Otherwise, he lost to both Nogueiras and Ricardo Arona (which just reminds me how tough Arona was back in the day).

The highlights were mostly centered around that big right hand as Henderson started showing the ability to knock dudes out. He also became the first (and only) Pride Welterweight Champion (welterweight was 183 in Pride) by beating Murilo Bustamante, who is one of those legendary tough guys from Brazil that had his prime about 5-10 years too early.

But the biggest highlight was his rematch against Wanderlei Silva. It was the final fight in the history of Pride, and it was for the middleweight title. Henderson lost their first fight by decision, but he wouldn't let the same thing happen again as he about knocked Silva's head off in the third round to get the knockout victory and be the only guy in a major organization to hold titles in multiple weight classes at the same time.

And after all of that, he finally went back to the UFC.

Since it's Dan Henderson, there was no easing him in. he started with not one but two title matches in the weight classes where he held the belts in Pride. It, uh, did not go well. First, he lost a sluggish decision against Quinton "Rampage" Jackson. Then he took on Anderson Silva, where he took Silva down and dominated him in the first round. But by the second round, he decided game plans were for nerds and decided to just stand and trade with Silva where he got knocked silly and then choked out.

I guess now is as good of time as any to address something with Dan Henderson. He doesn't give a shit when he gets in a fight. His first goal is to knock someone's head off. Sure, he's an Olympic level wrestler where he could easily smother someone on top, but he almost exclusively used those skills to keep things standing so he could try to knock someone's head off. He could have been more successful had he stuck to a smart gameplan, but there is no way he could have been as awesome.

He got back on track after that with wins over basically the worst person in mixed martial arts, Rousimar Palhares, and one of the best people, Rich Franklin. After that, he coached on The Ultimate Fighter, opposite Michael Bisping, to set up their fight at UFC 100. It definitely wasn't his best win, but it probably was his most memorable, as Henderson destroyed Bisping with a right hand, and then gave him a leaping forearm for funsies. It was brutal and awesome all at once.

At this point, Henderson was probably only a fight away from a title shot, so he did what nobody else in the world would do, and left the UFC to go to Strikeforce, because Dan Henderson doesn't give a shit about titles when he can get more money somewhere else.

Henderson's Strikeforce career didn't start off the best. He gave Jake Shields one of the worst beatings I've seen in the first round of a fight and then totally ran out of gas and lost a decision. After that, he beat Babalu again and then took out Rafael Calvacante. Although he finished both guys, it's not going to make his career highlights. Then, since it's Dan Henderson, he took on the greatest heavyweight in the history of MMA, Fedor Emelianenko and proceeded to knock him out in the first round. This would be his last fight in Strikeforce, and he picked a hell of a way to go out.

In fact, let's look back on how Henderson left every organization he was in.
Brazil Open - Won Tournament
UFC - Won Tournament
Rings - Won Greatest Tournament Ever
Pride - Won Middleweight Title from scariest fighter ever, giving him two belts in different weight classes.
UFC - Most memorable knockout of his career, proved America's domination over England.
Strikeforce - Knocked out the greatest heavyweight of all time.

And even though he lost the final fight of his career, he did it in the perfect way, losing a close decision, because had he won, the UFC would have thrown a ton of money at him to fight again, and Dan Henderson does not turn down tons of money. There is no way he could have left these organizations on a higher note. This man knows how to increase his value at the right time.

When Dan Henderson went back to the UFC, he was already 41 years old, and age can catch up to anybody, even someone as great as Dan Henderson. Although he had two memorable wins over Mauricio "Shogun" Rua, he went 1-6 in his other fights with three losses coming by knockout.

But as important as timing his right hand, he also knew how to time his wins, and he was able to knockout Hector Lombard right as Michael Bisping was busy winning the UFC title. Somehow, despite going 4-6 in his last run in the UFC, he was given a title shot, because he's Dan Henderson, and that was the most interesting fight available.

His final fight gave you everything you could have asked for in a Dan Henderson fight. He landed a couple of those right handed bombs that nearly took out Bisping and gave Dan the early advantage. And then, like so many other times, he ran out of steam and Bisping started winning the later rounds. He put on a good final round, but there was only one way for "Decision" Dan's career to end. Sometimes those decisions went his way, this time it didn't. It was probably his best fight since the first Shogun fight, which happened five years prior, but at 46 years old, Henderson was able to show why he is one of the greatest fighters in history.

With a 32-15 record, it's tough to make the argument that he was the best fighter ever, but there is nobody who had a more interesting career than Dan Henderson. The guy fought in three weight classes (technically four, since the Brazil Open was close to the Welterweight limit), and fought nearly every interesting person in all of those divisions. Wanderlei, Fedor, A. Silva, Shogun, Cormier, Big Nog, Little Nog, Bustamante, Vitor, Franklin, Arona, Machida, and Rampage all fought Henderson at least once. He fought for two decades, and the only legends he missed over that period were Couture, Liddell, Jon Jones, Cro Cop, and Sakuraba. That's only five guys across three different weight classes over 20 years that Henderson couldn't find time to fight.

Dan Henderson had more big matches than anyone in the history of mixed martial arts. He is the world's most interesting fighter, and unlike the Dos Equis guy, there will never be a replacement for Hendo.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Breaking Down the Logan Trailer


(Posted by Lukewarm Jonah)

I’m not one for breaking down trailers.  I mean, I broke down the Fast 7 trailer, but I have to do something in order to keep myself busy in between the release of the greatest movies of all time.  I saw the Logan trailer yesterday, and have watched it a good 10-15 times.  It’s incredible.  It has me unbelievably excited for this movie.

The basic gist of the trailer is that Logan is old now, and just hanging out with Professor X, living in a water tower.  Then somehow Professor X brings along a young mutant girl that Logan is reluctant to look after.  But then some dickheads come along and threaten the innocent girl and Logan has to beat the shit out of them for trying.  It’s a classic hero protects the innocent story but instead of Denzel or Liam Neeson saving the day with karate and/or guns it’s the mother fucking Logan saving the day with adamantium claws and skull fucking bad guys with his adamantium dick.  How can you not be pumped for that movie?  I mean look at Logan’s face when Dickhead McRobotarm puts the cuffs on that little girl.  Logan knows how to respond in that situation.  The proper response is always indestructible claws in your bitch ass cyborg face.  Oh what are you cyborgs going to do shoot him?  Sure his healing factor clearly has gotten worse than it was, but it’s still there.  He’s going to shake those bullets off and knock those stupidly tinted sunglasses off your face.  Anyways, below I’m going to post some potential spoilers on the movie, so if you’re not interested in learning what may happen stop reading.

The very first shot in the trailer is super important and hasn’t really been talked about.  This may come as a surprise but as someone who is obsessed with fantasy sports and professional wrestling, I’m a bit of a nerd.  Logan’s hand is trembling and covered in blood while Professor X asks in a heartbroken tone “Logan, what did you do?”.  What could cause Professor X to be so shocked and so saddened?  Well many people have noted the similarities between this trailer and the “Old Man Logan” story from the comics.  That story starts out with Logan killing the X-Men after being fooled by a powerful illusion.  I believe he may kill at least one of the X-Men, and after this he decides to go off the grid and live by himself so he won’t hurt anyone else again.  It’s very possible the grave he’s at in the trailer is one of his friends who died by his own hands.  It’s possible that his reduced healing and aging and scarring comes from his suicide attempts after he does kill someone he cares about, but he’s simply too powerful to die.

The young girl is almost certainly X-23, either a clone of Logan, or for the movie, another mutant who shares his powers almost exactly.  So she’s not exactly helpless, but she’s just a young girl and she’s going against the Reavers who have the upper hand on her.  Head Reaver Donald Pierce is also wearing some sunglasses that appear to be tinted red or orange.  They remind me of Mr. Sinister’s glasses, so I believe he’s in the movie as well.

I think it’s pretty clear that Professor X is dying in this movie, which will be another reason for Logan to go berserk on these Reaver cyborgs.  Logan loses his “father figure”, becomes a “father figure” to X-23, and I’m betting dies himself, sacrificing himself for the greater good allowing X-23 to live and and lead a new group of superheroes.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Jose Fernandez Was Special

I'm obviously a little late on this, but I wanted to say something about Jose Fernandez. His death was the first shocking death I've experienced in a long time. Luckily, I haven't had any real world deaths in quite a while, and most celebrity deaths don't phase me in any way. David Bowie, Prince, Robin Williams, Arnold Palmer all passed away, but I never felt any connection with any of them, and the first three lived hard lives, while the last one lived a pretty long one. I understood people being sad about it, but I had no reason to be affected.

Jose Fernandez was different, not only his death, but also in his life. He was transcendent. If you were trying to convince somebody to be a baseball fan, you'd want Jose Fernandez to be the starting pitcher. Sure, Clayton Kershaw was a better pitcher, but Fernandez was just special. If you saw him pitch, you would immediately know he was one of the five best pitchers in baseball. The talent was undeniable.

On top of that, he broke the unwritten rules of baseball and actually showed that he was having fun while playing the game. He actually showed that he enjoyed playing, and the only person he really pissed off doign this was Brian McCann, who seems like the guy who would go to a 2-year-old's birthday party and throw the cake in the trash, because they already celebrated one birthday, so now they're being a showboat.

Jose Fernandez was special. He was probably the most fun pitcher to watch since Randy Johnson, and his energy and exuberance may have even pushed him ahead of the Big Unit. It's easy to slip into thoughts of, "What could have been," but I'd rather just enjoy what I actually got to see. What I saw was awesome, and although I'm going to miss it, it's still really cool that I got to see it at all.

Jose Fernandez was special.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

The 6 Most Offensive Things Groupon Recommended To Me

Since I have purchased a Groupon in the past, I get emails every day from Groupon with different deals and recommendations. Usually, I delete these without even taking a second glance, and honestly, I should just report it as Spam, as I'm going to look at Groupon when I need something, not make an impulse buy, because I can get two Big Macs for the price of one. Anyway, the other day, Groupon did a hell of a job and actually made me read the email by offering a Groupon that caught my eye. We'll get to that one later, because when I opened the email, I realized that none of these Groupons had any inkling of value to someone like me. So, without further adieu, here are the six most offensive things that Groupon recommended to me.

6. $299 for Laser Toenail Fungus Removal
This one is the lowest on the list, just because I am a dirty individual. I do not have toenail fungus, but I could understand how the world might assume I did. Still, even if I did, ain't no way I'm paying $300 to get rid of it. Instead, I would tell each foot's fungus about how the other foot's fungus was talking shit, and then they would have a turf war and destroy each other, leaving my toenails fungus free.

5. $139 for Botox
I did just turn 32 years old. But I'm a dude, which means I'm just going to get more and more sexy as time goes on. My hairline is strong, my body is tight, so any wrinkle I get is a gift. They're basically sex wrinkles.

4. 68% off Spider Vein Treatments
There were a lot of beauty treatments that I didn't understand, so I chose this one to be representative of all of them, as I have no clue what spider veins are. I mean, if it was like Peter Parker and meant that I could shoot webbing out of my hands, then I would very much like this treatment. Unfortunately, I think it's closer to Botox for your legs. My legs are pristine, Groupon should know that.

3. $99 STD Test
This was the one that caught my eye in the title of the email. Basically, because I wasn't sure if it was an STD test or some other test that I wasn't aware of that had really unfortunate emails. I've never had to invest in an STD test, because I keep my guy clean. Now even though that was almost entirely due to lack of opportunity to dirty my guy, it still counts as me being a responsible adult. But now I've got a wife, Groupon, so even if I had been a dirty boy, it's a little late in the game for this one.

2. $199 Breast Pump
I do not have breasts; I don't know how I would use this device without that essential part of the anatomy. This is also an advanced breast pump, and I very much think I should have a novice, and possibly even a beginner breast pump if I were trying to milk my dry nipples.

1. 59% off Puddle of Mudd Concert
This was by far the most offensive thing that was suggested for me. Puddle of Mudd sucks in such an immense way that I cannot believe they are still a band, much less touring for paying customers. Quick, name your favorite Puddle of Mudd song. A-ha, that was a trick question as all Puddle of Mudd songs suck. You could take 100% off these tickets, and I wouldn't go see them. Come on, Groupon, get your shit together.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

CM Punk Wasn't Brave for Fighting in the UFC

Since I love MMA and pro wrestling, this whole CM Punk fight has been right in my wheelhouse. I honestly don't think he embarrassed himself. There have been plenty of people who have gotten steamrolled in the UFC, and it does not only include crappy fighers. I mean, Cub Swanson is a top featherweight, and it took Jose Aldo seven seconds to take him out.

Oh yeah, and Jose Aldo, likely the greatest featherweight fighter in history, after months of shit talk from his opponent, got knocked out in 13 seconds against Conor McGregor. So, no, I don't think CM Punk embarrassed himself by getting destroyed in two minutes.

Still, CM Punk is not a UFC level fighter. Honestly, I'm not even sure if Mickey Gall is a UFC fighter. Still, that's no reason to shit on Punk.

But let's also slow down on the opposite end for people praising CM Punk for his guts and determination. Is it brave to get your ass kicked? Well, kind of, but in that sense, bravery is just another word for stupidity. But I'm not about to call CM Punk stupid, because he got a guaranteed half a million dollars for this, and I wouldn't be surprised if there was another million dollars coming his way. At that point, it'd be stupid not to fight.

I mean, can you think of a single guy you know that wouldn't take $500,000 to get their ass kicked? I mean, it would be one thing if you said they were getting in a street fight, but this is sanctioned. I wouldn't even need two years to train, as I'd be willing to walk in there this weekend. It's 500 grand, just to get my ass kicked. I'd be stupid not to do it. I was thinking about it, and I'd likely take a tenth of that money. 50 grand for an ass kicking is still a really great day.

And if I get to pick my opponent? $10,000, and I'd pick John Dodson who used to beat me up a bunch back in the day, so he'd take it easy on me. If I can't know the person, Demian Maia, because he would go for the takedown and gently put in a choke to make me tap or fall asleep. I could go out for drinks afterwards, and I bet Demian Maia would go out drinking with me. It'd be a pretty pleasant experience overall.

So, Dana White, I am looking for a fight, just bring that checkbook. Because at CM Punk prices, it's not brave to do it, it'd just be stupid not to do it.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

CM Punk's Next UFC Opponent

CM Punk got his ass kicked on Saturday night, and it's pretty clear that he is not a UFC-level fighter. Hey, the guy did become one of the best wrestlers in the world, and more importantly, he married AJ Lee, so I'm not going to be shedding a tear for him anytime soon. Still, I will defend the guy, as even though he shouldn't be fighting in the UFC, he's not the worst to fight in the UFC.

I mean, let's just look at the early UFCs. He could definitely take out some of those guys. I mean, Steve Jennum won UFC 3, and I would take CM Punk to win in a fight against him. You don't remember Jennum, the man to end Royce Gracie's reign of UFC titles by coming in as an alternate in the finals after both Gracie and Shamrock dropped out? Well, he did, and he's the UFC 3 Champion, so if CM Punk had a time machine and incredible luck, he also could have become a UFC Champion.

And that brings up a great point. Since CM Punk wants a second fight in the UFC, the question becomes who does he face next? Well, I just mentioned the perfect opponent. No, not Steve Jennum, but instead, another man who has dabbled in pro wrestling, the World's Most Dangerous Man, Ken Shamrock.

I mean, it's perfect. Everybody can't stop complaining about how awful CM Punk is, and everybody can't stop complaining about how badly Ken Shamrock looks the last 11 times he's fought (so yes, for more than a decade). Yes, Shamrock is a bit larger than Punk, but Shamrock was down to 201 for the Gracie fight, and I'm pretty sure he could cut at least five more pounds with his build. You could even make it a retirement match, which may mean that the loser is the real winner, but still. I guess the winner can fight UFC Flyweight Champion, Demetrious Johnson. Not for the belt, obviously, but if you're saying you wouldn't want to see Mighty Mouse fly around the cage picking apart a man with 50-75 pounds on him, then I don't know why you watch fighting at all.

If it's a draw? Well, that's the best result of all. Handicap match where Shamrock and Punk team up to take on Brock Lesnar with maximum steroids.

Basically, I miss Pride, and I want the freakshow matches to return.

Monday, September 12, 2016

The Idiot's Guide to Buying a House

This is definitely not our house.

My wife and I (and pup dog) bought a house. Buying a house sounds like an easy thing to do. You give someone money; they give you a house. We're a little late to the game on this, but we've moved around quite a bit, and there has never been a place where we wanted to stay. I'm from Davenport, Iowa, but we certainly weren't going to live through those cold ass winters. Then we moved to Bradenton, Florida and it was fine, but people drive like 20 MPH below the speed limit at all times. I think it's because they're close to death, and they're just trying to bring everyone else a little bit closer with them.

Finally, we moved to Clearwater, Florida. It's where Hulk Hogan lives, and if it's good enough for the most awesome power in the world, Hulkamania, then it's certainly good enough for us.

Still, that does not mean this was a quick and easy process. We rented for a year so we could better discover whether the Hulkster had it right. I mean, what if Ultimate Warrior had it right and we needed to move to Middle of Nowhere, New Mexico? But although Hogan hasn't mastered his opinion on race relations, after a year, we knew that he had some pretty damn good ideas on real estate.

So the search began for us, and really, it began for my wife. She was my pitbull, which was necessary, since my dog, as a Weimaraner, is not a pitbull in any way. She was searching all of the information, and she was going to open houses every weekend to see what neighborhoods she liked and didn't like. She made me sit down with her to decide what our "must-haves" and "wish lists" were so we could be fully prepared when our lease w was set to expire. She had a full printed out sheet of all of these things as well as pictures of design items that she liked in houses. Our realtor told her she was the most prepared person he had ever dealt with.

But even with this sort of preparation on our (really, her) part, this was by no means a smooth process when we finally got to the part of looking at houses. We went to about a half dozen houses early on, but all of those had major drawbacks that didn't excite us. After that, we got more picky about what we were going to check out, and we really didn't look at houses for a few weeks. It was also at this point where we started to make irrational decisions.

You know that "must-have" list that we came up with together. During this dark period, my wife was willing to bend on half of the things that we supposedly must have. That dumb broad beautiful angel wanted a house.

I was not innocent in this matter either, as I would casually say that we should start looking at houses in different areas or because she wanted to bend in one aspect of the house, maybe we could bend on a different aspect, even though I did no research, and I was just throwing ideas out of my ass, because my thought is always that doing something is better than nothing. This is not the case when that something drives your wife crazy and makes her want to smack you.

So, yeah, the dark period was not a great time in house hunting.

But then, late on a Thursday night, it happened. A house popped up. A nice house. A really nice house. It was slightly more than we would have liked to spend, but certainly not something that we couldn't afford. Also, it was just down the road from the park where Casey The Dog and I drive to so we can throw her ball and play basketball together (Air Bud is a glory pup who is all about offense; Casey is a gritty defender who does what it takes to win, just sayin'). This house had a lot of appealing characteristics.

We took a tour, and we knew. This was the house for us, but we also knew that it was priced high. We sent in an offer that night, they barely countered. We sent another counter offer, they decided to wait on it. Finally, they gave another offer, and we decided that a few thousand dollars shouldn't stop us from getting this house, especially since every month we pay our monthly rent, that's just thousands of dollars that could be going into a house. We got it for less than it was listed, so we felt good, especially because we finally had a house.

Well, not exactly.

Buying a house ain't easy, so now you've got a ton of paperwork to do. The bank will not just hand you six figures and be cool about you paying them back when you have a chance. Instead, they make you fill out form after form and send in every bit of personal information. Even though we got pre-approved, we needed to update everything that we had sent them a month and a half earlier. Since I watch too much television, I constantly think people are trying to screw us over in some way, so I question everything. I know I question way too much, because the people we got our loan from had no idea how to explain things that I was questioning. On top of that, our realtor gave us a bunch of things to sign. My bank could easily steal my identity, but now my identity is tied to a giant debt to the bank, so I think I'm safe.

And then there's the inspection. Do I need to get the 4-point inspection? What about wind inspection? Termites? Shit, man, give me the deluxe package, because I'd rather get screwed out of an extra $50 than find out we have four-pointed wind termites later on. After all of that, apparently, I should have gone cheap, because all that was found was a few outlets that weren't working. That was not a dealbreaker for us.

After that, there's a damn appraisal, and appraisals are a very big deal. An appraiser comes in the house and sets a valuation. If it's high, no big deal, everything is good to go, but if it's low, that creates major drama. The bank will only give a loan to cover what the house is appraised at, so if you agreed to pay a million for the house (Note: We are nowhere near baller enough to consider this pricing option), but it only gets appraised at $900,000, you either have to come up with $100,000 cash, or you need to renegotiate with the seller where you can compromise on a price. The latter seems to be the easier thing to do, as if the house only gets appraised for a certain price, then that is what the seller would have to sell for since it will only get appraised at that price down the road if they want to put it back on the market.

Oh, but that is only if appraisals make sense, and appraisals do not need to make sense. Appraisals can vary wildly from one appraiser to another, because there does not seem to be any actual method of appraising homes. In my imaginary scenario, they can vary by hundreds of thousands of dollars, and even in my price range, they can vary by five figures. Oh, and the owners are there for the appraisal, and they can influence what the appraiser thinks on the price. It's kind of insane.

We were kind of hoping for slightly lower than our asking price, to maybe save some cash but not too low and have the whole deal blow up in our faces. But, probably fortunately, the appraisal came right in at our offer price, so we would not be getting any deal, but we also wouldn't have to deal with any drama.

Finally, we had all of the big stuff done. All that was necessary was to sign the final papers, oh, and for the people to move their shit out of our house, which apparently took them three weeks. They already had another house that they were primarily living in, but they were just lazy and took their sweet time in actually moving their stuff out.

We finally got to just a few days before closing and nobody communicated anything to us about wiring the money for the down payment. That was odd, so I followed up. No response. Finally, our mortgage lender gave me a super high number that I could wire to the title company but said they would have the final number the day before the closing. The day before the closing they completely went dark again and gave me no information. Finally, our realtor found out the final costs and where to send it that night.

Of course this would come back to bite us in the ass. We signed the paperwork at 11:00 AM. The owners of the house did not show up, so we literally had zero interaction with the people that we bought the house from. We got the paperwork all done, but still no wire transfer since nobody told me what to do in the days before the transfer, which was neat. The movers called and said they could be ready early. The internet guy called and said he could be ready early, but since we couldn't get a wire transfer, we couldn't be ready.

So we went back to our shithole rental and waited. We should have been ready to go by 1:00 PM. Instead, we waited, hour after hour, for the damn wire to clear. It was especially home when one of the ladies at the title company told me that she didn't want to wait around until 5:00 (you know, and do her job), because she wanted to go back to her home. I assured her that I wanted to go to my new home just as badly as she wanted to cut out of work early.

Finally, after three hours of waiting, I saw the money leave my bank account and started driving towards the title place so I can get the keys and we could move in. At that point, I had only seen the house for about 10-15 minutes 40 days ago. It was just our quick walk through, and then my wife saw it a few other times, but I didn't. I made the biggest purchase of my life off of a 10-minute walkthrough, and then hoped for the best from then on. I was really hoping it didn't suck, and luckily it did not. I was anxious to get our stuff inside. Of course, since nothing can move quickly, the movers turned out to be the slowest movers ever, as it took them nearly five hours when the last moving company we hired only took three hours to move us, and there was an hour drive in between as opposed to 15 minutes.

By the time everything got moved in, I didn't even have the energy to jump in the pool, but at least Casey The Dog did as she was busy doing dive bombs after her toys and then not understanding the value of stairs when exiting the pool.

The next morning, I woke up at 4:30 AM to fly across the country for work for four days. By the time I got back there was a family of four squatters living in our house (my wife's friend and her family). I like them all, but man was I happy to see them leave so I could finally walk around naked in my house without having to worry about scarring small children with a traumatic dong sighting.

Honestly, house buying isn't exciting; it's more of a relief. I really like the house, which is good, because I really don't want to do this again.