Thursday, February 4, 2016

I Am Awesome With Toddlers

I am terrified of babies. They're basically the worst. I mean, the only reason people have babies is in the hope that they grow out of it and become a human. If somebody told parents that they had a permanent baby, would anybody blame them for putting that baby on a raft and floating them down the river? There's a good chance Moses's Mom was told this, panicked, and got rid of his ass.

Oh, anyway, although babies suck. They almost always do grow out of it and become humans. The first stage of this evolution is becoming a toddler. With babies, I am an awkward mess, because they are sub-human, but with toddlers, they are grown up enough to appreciate my humor while not being old enough to realize that I'm actually an idiot loser.

I learned of my skills over the holiday season as I got to hang out with a two and three-year-old. At first, I thought I would be able to ignore both of these children and play with the family dogs, but neither one was having it.

At the first house, I met the two-year-old (I had met him as a baby, but that didn't count, because he wasn't a real person yet), and right away, he could tell that I knew how to party. He immediately gave me a toy dog, instructed me that it needed to ride on a cart, and I needed to take that dog on the cart to chase him around the house as he rode his trike. Real talk, I could have chased this kid around all day and not got tired out, because he is a child, and I am a full-grown man. But having to chase him around while bent over and holding a dog on this vehicle while sliding around on hardwood floors in dress socks was a very tiring experience. I needed a damn water break, but eventually I got him to quit.

After that, we all ate some well needed lunch. For my chasing efforts, I earned some bits of chicken nuggets that I declined, because there was a 100% chance that his hands had recently been in poop. I don't know how long kids poop themselves, but I do know that they play with it well past that age, so I thanked him for the offer but stuck to my sandwich.

After that, it was time to check out what he got for Christmas. This is where toddlers struggle a bit, because they're too young for video games, although that may work in my favor, because I haven't played video games in years, so I would likely be terrible at them. Anyway, we started playing with a toy record player, and then started just taking toys out of their packaging, just so we could repack them, and then unpack them again. After the 15th time we did that, he started to get bored with it, so he started sprinting around. I sat on the floor with my legs flat in front of me, and the little guy tripped right over them. He fell pretty hard; I laughed, and he then had his new favorite game. This little fella just kept on sprinting around and tripping over my legs; he must have done it two dozen times. Much like me, toddlers are entertained by the simple things in life.

But after the little guy went for a nap, my day with toddlers was still not done.

It was time to party with a 3-year-old child, and party with him I did. I said hello to the adults, but adults are boring, so I went straight to playing, because this kid had some awesome toys. We started playing Superheroes where Spiderman teamed up with Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman to capture The Joker. He also built an alligator out of legos that was wreaking havoc all over the house as it was chomping on everyone.

But the main event was Ironman hands that glowed and made cool sound effects. I was a little jealous that I didn't get to be Ironman, but this gave me the chance to use the most fun toy of all, my imagination. I threw on a pair of sunflower glasses that were laying around and transformed into Flower Man. I even had a catchphrase, "Time to Grow," and used it every time I got up off the ground. It was pretty awesome but also exhausting as I had to throw around a child, but then pretend that he could actually take me in a fight (I could have easily taken him). I let him kill me a half dozen times to try to end the game, but he kept demanding that Flower Man come back to life. I even hid the glasses, but the little bugger found them, and we resumed fighting. Finally, I brought in the most evil villain I know, my wife, to tell us that play time was over. That way she's the bad guy, and I'm the cool guy.

Overall, I would not recommend having back-to-back play dates with toddlers as an adult. First off, because I think that setting something up like that is probably illegal, and second, it's pretty damn exhausting. Those kids got to take naps when we were done; I had to be social with other adults. Life isn't fair, but I'm not going to be a baby about it. Because babies suck, but toddlers are pretty cool.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

My Review of Top Golf

I'm in my 30s, married, a dog but no kids, so I basically live the most boring existence imaginable to the outside world. Now, this works great for me, as I love just hanging out during most weeks, as I love my wife and dog (sometimes not in that order) very much, and I'm a pretty chill dude so hanging out, getting my ass kicked at an MMA gym and going about my day are good days for me. Plus, although I'm chill most of the time, I do it big with things like WrestleMania, Grapple on the Gridiron, and the Rose Bowl. Still, my wife needs to be involved in activities, so both of us are always keeping an eye out for possible date nights. That is why I was very intrigued when my buddies mentioned Top Golf being a cool place and me realizing that there was one only about a half hour away. So, I ditched the dog, gathered up the old lady, and went out to show my wife what a dominant golfer I can be.

Here's the thing about me: I was probably made to be white trash. I don't really care about my appearance, to the point that I have gone out to meet people with my wife and had blood stains on my shirt...multiple times. I don't care about the nicer things in life, because I'm really not that picky. That being said, I'm always surprised when I go to nice places. Golf places have to be nice, because golf people somehow all act like they went to Duke. They're entitled douchebags with racist undertones, so they need to pretend they're fancy. The nice thing about Top Golf is that it is really nice, but had a variety of people there that made it not as pretentious as most places that appeal to golfers. I saw grandparents hacking away with their grandchildren, dudes just out drinking beers, and I also saw a lot of people who looked like they were cosplaying Rory McIlroy, so yes, there are still douchebags there.

Still, a three story driving range with electronic targets to keep score add some necessary excitement to the game of golf. After acquiring player cards, they sent us up to the third floor, because they could tell that we were a couple of swing...er, ball...eh, that doesn't quite work, how about club aficionados, yeah, that'll work. Anyway, we go up there, slide are card in and let the games begin.

Now, I had one strategy going in, and strategy is a word I use very loosely, because I wanted to smash golf balls. Grip it and rip it as the fellas on the links like to say. On my second shot, I sailed the ball 250 yards with just a slight hook to the left. It was a beautiful shot. Unfotunately, the deeperst target is 215 and slightly to the right from where I was, so my ball sailed over, and I got zero points.

On my wife's first attempt, she missed not the ball not once, not twice, but three times as she struck out in golf. She then hit a little dinker that manged to get near one of the targets and get her 4 points. I would say that this was the story of the day, but she actually got better as the day went on and hit everything straight as an arrow. I usually slice everything, but on this day, I hooked everything, and we were one of the furthest boxes to the left, so it was not my day to score points.

I got my ass handed to me. I found every way to miss the targets, and she just kept hitting them straight as an arrow towards those targets and kept putting up points. It was super aggravating, but instead of changing my strategy, like an intelligent person, I just kept gripping tighter and swinging harder, and hooking that ball violently to the left.

Luckily, Top Golf is not just golf, as we also got ourselves some BMs (Bloody Marys), and they had a pretty extensive bloody mary bar, so I decided to live by the motto of "Treat Yo Self" and had some celery, some bacon, a pickle, some Tabasco, a little Worcestershire, pepper, and Lawry's to really bring my BM to the next level. Also, since drinking was involved, I can just claim my wife is an alcoholic and has a higher tolerance than me, and that is why she kicked my ass so badly.

So, yeah, I got my ass handed to me by my wife in the competition (and I never let her win, so I am not even going to attempt to claim that), but it was still a good time. Oh, and next time, I'm going to be totally focused on my wife's annihilation, and no Grandparent, dude, or even a cosplaying Jordan Spieth will be able to save her.

I'll probably get destroyed again.

Monday, February 1, 2016

WWE Power Rankings: January 2016

I am 31 years old; I still watch pro wrestling. This is never a point in my favor, but I'm basically an addict at this point. It's not always good; in fact, it's usually not all that good, but when it is good, it can be one of the greatest things produces on television, and that's what I keep holding on to. Still, most of it sucks, but it's easy to focus in the negative; instead, I want to focus on the positive, so here are the ten best things in the WWE this past month (Note: I will only focus on the main roster, as nearly everything about NXT is great).

1. The New Day 
No self-respecting list could start with anything but The New Day. They're amazing. Just hearing them do their intro immediately puts a giant smile on my face, as I know I am about to feel real emotions and true love for a part of the WWE product. They have shown that they can hold their own with any wrestler that has ever been on the roster on the mic, and their work speaking should not overshadow their work in the ring, as Kofi and Big E complement each other incredibly well. I never thought I would be a huge Xavier Woods fan, but I am a huge Xavier Woods fan as the man has learned his niche and is incredibly entertaining without being totally distracting. New...Day Rocks.

2. Sasha Banks  
Just seeing Sasha Banks start walking out at the Royal Rumble overfilled my heart with joy. Sasha is the best female wrestler they have, and even though the talent has increased a ton with the Divas Revolution, it's still not all that close. She compels the crowd to the point that anytime there is a Divas match without Banks, everyone is wondering, "Where's Sasha?" She's got a lot going on right now as she's taking on Becky, wants to challenge Charlotte and is creating a riff between herself and Team BAD. The good news is that we won't have to wonder where Sasha is for the foreseeable future.

3. Rusev 
This is a man who speaks multiple languages, but did he learn these skills with an easy upbringing? No, he had to throw kids off the school bus, so there was enough room for him so he could go to school and learn. If you can get past the fact that he has an accent, you will learn that he is maybe the second most creative speaker in the entire company. He is my hero; he is your hero; he is even Putin's hero. All hail Rusev.

4. Kevin Owens 
He is consistently entertaining in and out of the ring, which makes him a rarity in the WWE right now. He's proof that a guy who is successful in a variety of organizations all over the country can also find success in the WWE. He hadn't debuted in NXT at this point last year, and now he is probably the likely opponent for Undertaker at WrestleMania, and is totally deserving of that opportunity.

5. The Social Outcasts 
This is mostly due to Bo Rida, who spit hot rhymes at Flo Rida and basically destroyed him in a rap battle that was designed for Bo to lose, but he BOlieved, and it was phenomenal. But at least they are doing something with those guys, and because they don't matter, they have freedom to do absolutely anything, which gives them more room to do something that truly stands out.

6. Roman Reigns 
I know everybody wants to shit on Roman Reigns, because. DURR the WWE can't tell me who to like, but just disliking the guys that WWE wants to push to prove how smart you are isn't all that productive either. Is he entertaining on the mic? No, not really, but he has been putting on good matches for a while, and objectively, he is pretty cool. He's a freakin' Samoan in SWAT gear. That's cool.

7. Dean Ambrose 
I am what you would call a Dean Ambrose hater, but that match at Royal Rumble was awesome, and that alone can put him on this list. Ambrose is not a guy who is made to appeal to me, but I can still understand some of the appeal, and he's fine, just not one of my favorites.

8. Dolph Ziggler 
He's still good in the ring, but it's tough to get too excited for him when you know that nothing that he is going to do will matter AT ALL. 

9. Ric and Charlotte Flair 
It's not the best Ric Flair. Hell, it's not the best Charlotte Flair, but I'm still interested when they're on TV, and that is way more than I can say for most of the Divas division. Becky Lynch does deserve some credit here, but not quite enough to include a third Diva in the Top 10.

10. Sami Zayn 
Yeah, this is kind of cheating, but he did make one appearance, so that does make him eligible. His one appearance was fun where they reminded everyone that Zayn and Owens still hate each other, but I doubt we will be seeing him on these rankings again anytime soon. 

These rankings are absolutely subjective, so feel free to let me know what I got wrong in the comments.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Let's Remember Faarooq Asad

Faarooq Asad is one of those characters that has stuck with me far past his influence should have. I think this is partly that I was a huge Ron Simmons fan in WCW, wondered why he was no longer wrestling (remember: this is pre-internet), and then saw him show up in WWE as...a...I don't know, an oversized baby with a bad alien warrior outfit?

And here's the thing, he kind of came in like an awesome badass. He just came down and beat the shit out of Ahmed Johnson. It would have given him immediate legitimacy, but he was dressed up as a futuristic space gladiator, and nobody quite knew what that meant.

On top of this, he was given Sunny as a manager, and they just didn't fit together. It was a little like when they put Cesaro with Paul Heyman. On paper, the pairing seemed like a great idea, but it wasn't the right fit, nor the right time. Cesaro was finally starting to get cheered, and Paul Heyman is at his best when he is trying to get heat from the crowd, so it put Cesaro in this weird limbo. Faarooq Asad is this futuristic space warrior who is only about destroying anyone in his path, but they give him an upbeat blonde who was the most downloaded woman on the internet. Sunny was great at getting a reaction, but she wasn't the person to help Faarooq get the correct reaction.

But that's nitpicking. The big issue was the outfit. I mean, just look at this asshole.

There is literally no way for a guy to get over while wearing that.

The only thing they got right in the early going was his first interview. Do you know the thing that he talked about to make the crowd hate him? He told Ahmed Johnson that he should respect women. Sadly, that worked, because if there is one thing the WWE Universe hates, it is definitely women.

And yet, this version of Faarooq stuck with me far more than his Nation of Domination run where my only takeaway is that he started it, but it's most important moment was The Rock taking it over. I'll always remember you Weirdo Space Warrior, Faarooq Asad, maybe not fondly, but I'll remember you all the same.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

My Review of the Shrine Game

Since the Rose Bowl was the last game, come to think of it, only game I attended this college football season, I was left with a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. Luckily, I had one last chance to watch college football players compete against each other as the East-West Shrine Game was just down the road from where I live at Tropicana Field.

Now, this is not the Senior Bowl, which has a ton of the top Senior talent from all around the nation and some likely first round picks. This is a leftovers game, but that doesn't mean there weren't some intriguing guys on the field. The most notable name was probably Keenan Reynolds, who set the all-time NCAA touchdown record, but he didn't play. I would guess the next most notable name was Vernon Adams, Jr., quarterback of Oregon this past season. Still, the guys I was most interested in seeing were Iowa safety, Jordan Lomax, and former Iowa quarterback (with his final season at Michigan), Jake Rudock.

Overall, I would say that Lomax looked solid, as he made a few tackles and seemed to do well in coverage. There are a lot of rules to simplify things in these All-Star games, so there isn't a ton of room for a safety to stand out outside of being in a good position for a quarterback's mistake. Lomax is a guy who is going to have to shine on special teams to get a shot at the next level, but he has the tools necessary to succeed there.

As for Rudock, well, uh, it was not great. He technically lead the East to all of their scores, as they had an interception that put them deep in the West's territory that ended in a field goal, and he was still the active quarterback when the defense got an interception that they returned for a touchdown. He is going to be accurate, but he just doesn't have the arm strength to be a viable candidate to be a professional quarterback at the next level. He was a Pre-Med Major; he's a former college quarterback; I think he's going to be fine.

But the star quarterback, and really, the star of the game was Vernon Adams Jr. I'll admit that the only game I really focused on from Oregon this year was when they got beaten badly by Michigan State, a game that Adams was not 100%. He was definitely 100% for this game, as he straight tore things up on the field. Adams is an interesting prospect, as he is very athletic, but relatively small for a quarterback, standing just 6'0" tall. In this game, he showed abilities to make plays from the pocket, and definitely showed that he knows how to move around and make plays as well. His 93 yard touchdown pass will get the most highlights, but it wasn't his best play, as he did a good job of avoiding the rush before finding a guy that was wide open. It was much more impressive to see him scan the field from the pocket and find the open man in the rhythm of the play.

In an All-Star game, it's tough to stand out if you're not a skill position guy, and I'll admit that I was only focusing on the big aspects of the game as opposed to trying to breakdown the footwork of offensive linemen, so Adams was really the only guy who seemed to stand out. Brandon Doughty was getting some buzz, but he failed to impress when he took the reins of the offense. Joel Stave performed exactly how you would expect Joel Stave to perform.

More importantly than what happened on the field was what was happening off the field. CLOWNS. Lots and lots of clowns. I've never been a big clown guy, but I gotta admit it; these clowns added a lot to my entertainment. I mean, sure, they did some clown stuff for entertainment, but even more fascinating was when they were just a bunch of dudes hanging out in full clown gear. One guy even had on a football costume with shoulderpads and a football on a string that he would use to trick people. Does he use that year round, or is this his only time of year to shine (or Shrine, if you prefer)? Anyway, I would love it if football got rid of cheerleaders and replaced them with an army of clowns. There is no way that ends badly.

The East-West Shrine Game is not the Senior Bowl, but it's got $15 General Admission tickets, and there are worse ways to spend a Saturday evening, especially if you can convince your wife to count it as a date night.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Verizon Wireless Screwed Me Out of $100

Verizon Wireless has the best product for phone service. I really never have issues with my coverage, and my network is able to pop up Twitter when I need it.

That being said, their customer service is absolute shit. I spent way too many hours on the phone just trying to get what was rightfully mine, and they were ready and waiting to find a way to screw me out of $100. But let's go back to the beginning.

My wife was due for a new phone around Thanksgiving. On Black Friday, I braved the crowds to go to the Verizon store and see what kind of a deal I could get her. I found out that I could get $200 off a Galaxy S6, and then another $100 credit from her phone being two years old. This sounds great to me. The guy lets me know that the deal only lasts through the weekend, which is no big deal, as we can just stop by the next day and get it taken care of.

So, we cruise in on Saturday morning to just get it done and over with, and when I ask about the deal, I am informed that the deal was only good for Black Friday. Now that $200 off is only $100 off. I confidently notified that I was told it lasted through the weekend, as clearly, they would honor that deal. They did not, and had no intention of giving me anything more than their current offers. This did not sit well with me, but I refused to give up.

I contacted Verizon's customer service, still confident that they would quickly take care of this situation. I talked to the first person, and they were surprisingly unable to help me. Undeterred, I asked to speak with their supervisor. He was only willing to get me that same deal that the store was offering, and I had to inform him that that deal was not good enough. We went back and forth on this being all that he could do until finally he became so exasperated that he got his supervisor on the line.

This is where things got more interesting. The third-tier of Verizon customer service was parroting a lot of what the other two had been saying. But I brought up that clearly they give credits for different things, so couldn't they do that since I was given bad information, and I was literally calling nine hours after the deal had expired, thinking I still had 39 hours to do it. Our conversation went something like this:

Verizon: Well, I could do that, but if I did that in this situation it wouldn't go through.
Me: Why not?
Verizon: Well, it would get flagged since there wouldn't be proper reason for it.
Me: Well, just do it anyway, and if it gets flagged, then I can deal with that later.
Verizon: I can't.
Me: You just said you could.
Verizon: Well, it would probably get flagged, and ethically, it wouldn't be right.

It was at this point that I brought up the fact that ethically, a business should honor their words to their customers, so the only ethical solution would be to give me my rightful discount. When asked, "Wouldn't giving me the discount be the ethical thing to do?" he started stammering over his words and tried to get off the ethics conversation.

After nearly an hour and a half, he finally told me that his supervisor would call me back during the week since they don't work on the weekends. I said that was fine, and that I would be looking forward to their call, as I was not ready to give up on getting what was rightfully mine.

Those garbage people never called me back.

Then a combination of life getting in the way ad me not really wanting to deal with another hour on the phone with customer service delayed my plan nearly two months as it got near the middle of January. I was finally bored enough to deal with it and again got on the phone with their customer service team. They started saying very similar things, and then stated that had I purchased the phone when I first spoke with them on the phone, maybe they could have given me the necessary credit to get me the full discount, but since I didn't buy it then, there was nothing they could do.

This was absolutely complete and utter crap, as had I already bought the phone, they would have said that I agreed to that deal, and had I waited to talk to someone else, maybe they could have given me the proper deal. It's a great strategy for screwing people over; it's just horribly dishonest and despicable.

Anyway, after another hour on the phone, I finally broke and just got the phone. If the phone was for myself, I would have waited it out and kept spending hours on the phone with customer service, but the only person who was suffering was my wife who was stuck with her old, crappy phone. The good news is that she really likes the new phone, so props to Samsung for making a quality product.

Verizon Wireless, you screwed me out of $100. Please give me the money you owe me. Thanks.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

2016 Royal Rumble Predictions With Betting Odds

It's that special time of the year where Hott Joe and Lukewarm Jonah come together to write about the Royal Rumble betting odds. Do you want to win the big money? Do you want to make the Powerball winners look more like people who can only afford TV Dinners? Well, then I have just the breakdown for you. Take it away, Jonah.

Jonah: If there’s one complaint I hear the most it’s that there aren’t enough articles about betting on a predetermined event.  Also, I just really, really love talking about wrestling.  So with that in mind it’s time for the Royal Rumble betting odds article. Here are the odds for the big match. 

Royal Rumble Winner:
Triple H: +105
Roman Reigns: +225
Brock Lesnar: +250
Rusev: +1400
Dean Ambrose: +1800
Daniel Bryan: +1800
The Rock: +1800
Kevin Owens: +2000
The Undertaker: +2000
Ryback: +2500
Bray Wyatt: +2500
Big Show: +2500
AJ Styles: +3300
Sheamus: +3300
Shinsuke Nakamura: +3500
Braun Strowman: +3500
Cesaro: +3500
Dolph Ziggler: +4000
Randy Orton: +4000
Finn Balor: +5000
Big E: +6600
Kane: +6600
King Barrett: +6600
Neville: +6600
Titus O’Neil: +8000
Alex Riley: +10000
Bo Dallas: +10000
Curtis Axel: +10000
Damien Sandow: +10000
Darren Young: +10000
Erick Rowan: +10000
Fandango: +10000
Goldust: +10000
Heath Slater: +10000
Kofi Kingston: +10000
Luke Harper: +10000
Mark Henry: +10000
R-Truth: +10000
Stardust: +10000
The Miz: +10000
Tyson Kidd: +10000
Vince or Shane McMahon: +10000
Zack Ryder: +10000
Adam Rose: +15000
Fernando: +15000
El Torito: +15000
Stone Cold: +20000

Jonah: Hott Joe and I already discussed this a lot on the phone, but Triple H was my initial pick for Rumble winner.  We haven’t seen him in a very long time and the last time we saw him he got his ass handed to him by Roman.  Also, we have to consider how HHH books himself; as the greatest of all time.  If he wins then I’m sure Roman will get the shot at Wrestlemania and HHH will probably put him over there, but is that really how you want to book your top star?  After our conversation I thought about it a little longer, and after seeing the odds I’m betting on Roman to retain.  I think the possibility of either him or HHH winning is 50/50 and Roman is giving better than 2/1 on your money.  Roman losing the title here means he probably wins it back at Wrestlemania.  Because of the Sheamus cash in that will already make him a 3 time World Heavyweight Champion in the course of a few months.  What is this, Russo booked WCW?  Smark burn.  You don’t want to devalue your belt or the champion by hotshotting it too much.  Also, I don’t give Lesnar a shot since he’s now feuding with the Wyatts, they’ll probably come in after they’ve all been eliminated and cheaply eliminate him.  

Joe: Christ. Triple H is favored to win this thing? You have GOT to be kidding me. At first, I thought that the crowd would be too upset to let this happen, but then I remembered that it is in Orlando, home of NXT and the WWE Performance Center, which means that if Triple H is getting cheered anywhere, it would probably be down there. There is also a strong rumor that next year’s WrestleMania will be held there, and if he made that announcement earlier in the show, well, hell, I might cheer for him then, because that is a two-hour drive I would definitely be making in 2017. But I’m not ready to pick any of the three favorites.

Jonah: So Reigns is my betting pick, but I feel like talking about wrestling some more so I’m going to go over some of my favorite long shot picks.  

Daniel Bryan at 18/1.  Still the most over guy in the company.  If he returns, he has to win or else you’ll have the third Rumble in a row that has the crowd shitting all over it.  The question is, does he return?  It’s a long shot, but like I said, if he’s there, he’s almost got to win it, either that or the WWE are very slow learners.

Joe: Bingo, bango, here’s my pick to be the winner. I don’t think it is unfathomable to think that the WWE and Daniel Bryan may be lying about Daniel Bryan’s ability to wrestle. I think they have been saving him for this moment, so the crowd can lose their shit and he can be triumphant in his return. I’m not even the biggest Daniel Bryan fan, but if they are serious about Lesnar going up against Bray Wyatt, eh, might as well make it Daniel Bryan vs. Cesaro as the Main Event of WrestleMania. Jonah, what else you got?

Jonah: Dean Ambrose at 18/1 is pretty awesome odds.  They could build a storyline for Wrestlemania that would do big business with Dean and Roman facing off.  Two brothers, one possibly turning heel, going against each other.  The story writes itself and he’s got a hell of a better chance of winning then say Rusev who has better odds.

Joe: I definitely agree that he has better odds than Rusev, but that doesn’t mean that this would make a good WrestleMania Main Event. I am what you would call a Dean Ambrose “hater” in that I do not really care about him. It doesn’t mean I don’t like him, but if you give me a choice between seeing Dean Ambrose or Heath Slater, I’m taking Heath Slater. I would put him on about the same level as Curtis Axel. They’re not my favorites, but they’re fine.

Jonah: How about AJ Styles at 33/1?  His debut is going to be a huge deal.  I love the guy, he can go like hell in the ring, and has really developed as a character over the years.  It’s a super long shot that he comes in and wins the belt immediately, but what better way to make new stars than have him and at least one or two Bullet Club members come in, wreck shit, and have their guy as champ.  It’s a bold strategy, but the WWE needs to be bold with falling ratings and massive injuries.

Joe: Having AJ Styles debut in Orlando (or anywhere in the state of Florida) is asking for a huge disappointment. Florida would pop bigger for Marty Jannetty than they would for AJ Styles (not that there’s anything wrong with that). He needs to debut in the northeast or Chicago where the “hardcore” fans are, so they will actually care about him debuting. 

Jonah: Here’s one I know you’re going to love: Big E at 66/1.  The New Day is without a doubt the most entertaining part of every RAW.  They’re super over and really people love them even though they’re technically heels.  Big E not only has a phenomenal look, but is charismatic as hell and puts on good matches.  Sounds like a combination for a main event push, but what do I know?

Joe: Well, full disclosure, we talked earlier this week, and I was asked who I would want to see win who had a realistic shot (sorry Cesaro, Seth Rollins, and Hulk Hogan who are either too injured or too racist), and my response was Big E. He’s a Hawkeye; I’m a Hawkeye, and I may have stolen girls from him on the dance floor of The Field House in Iowa City (there is no way to confirm or deny this). So yes, I’m hoping that Big E shocks the world and becomes the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

Jonah: My last one is Kofi Kingston at 100/1.  See above about New Day, and add in the fact that he’s been Intercontinental Champ numerous times and has shown that he can hang in main event feuds as he did with Orton back in the day.

Joe: Not all that interested in a Kofi Renaissance; I feel like he’s right where he needs to be at this moment. However, I do have some picks that didn’t make the betting board. Since they aren’t even on the board, you should be able to get them for +20000.

Random NXT Superstar – My money is on this being Samoa Joe, but there’s a lot of angles they could go with this. Still, a fellow Samoan coming out to help out Roman Reigns, only to turn on him in the end isn’t the worst angle that they’ve ever come up with. This won’t happen, but I wouldn’t be mad at it. Also, Sami Zayn is probably the second most likely guy to show up. He’s kind of new Daniel Bryan in that it’s impossible not to cheer for him, but he has to remain an underdog for years before he can make it to the top, so winning as a surprise Rumble entrant probably isn’t in the cards.

Batista – Are you telling me they wouldn’t let Batista win another one? They don’t care if you hate Batista; Batista must win. Bonus points if he gets eliminated early and comes out as Bluetista later on.

Finally, I thought about how they could get the crowd excited for an unexpected winner. Like, who would this Orlando crowd go crazy for? And then it hit me. There is one figure that is more beloved in Orlando than any figure in that awful city’s history. It ain’t Walt Disney, it ain’t Mickey Mouse. Oh no, it’s somebody who is universally loved and revered. 

That’s right. My surprise pick to win the Royal Rumble at 100000000 to 1 odds is Lil’ Penny.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

I Had a Blast in Vegas...I Hope I Never Go Again

So after the fiasco of Iowa laying an egg at the Rose Bowl, there was only one thing to do change my luck: Drive four hours to Vegas. You're not going to believe this, but it didn't work. But that doesn't mean that I still wasn't able to make the most out of it.

The four hour drive was fairly miserable, mostly because my friends listened to country music the entire way, and now that I'm not a stupid high schooler, country music is complete garbage and should not be listened to by adults. But then I got there and started drinking, and that is the most reliable way to feel better. Oh, another really nice thing was when we were able to get in our hotel room, as a shower probably helped even more than the Bud Lights (judge me if you must, Natural Light wasn't available).

After I got cleaned up, it was basically time to go check out UFC 195 as our buddy, Tony Sims, was going to be fighting on the card that night. Although there were about 15 of us going, only three other guys wanted to go early with me. We walked in and went to our seats, which were of course nosebleeds. I quickly decided that these simply would not do, so we moved down to the third row into some empty seats. It is a way more baller way to watch fights.

We got to stay in those seats until the final three fights, which was bittersweet, as they were great seats, but it unfortunately gave us a great view of seeing our buddy get caught in a guillotine. After we got kicked out of our seats, we had to move up 25 rows, but we still had a great view of seeing a first round knockout by Stipe Miocic, and then one of the best fights in UFC history between Robbie Lawler and Carlos Condit. That fifth round was one of the craziest things I have ever seen, as I was literally jumping around and started hugging strangers when it was over, because none of us could believe what we had just seen.

Props to Tony for keeping his sense of humor and meeting up with everybody at a bar called Losers at Mandalay Bay. The unfortunate part was that it was a country bar, but at least there were two single, Australian women for a half dozen guys to hit on and be denied by. It really hammers home one of the best parts of being married is never having to hit on women. This was evident as the women asked me if I was married, and I said yes, ending any possibility of seducing them or them seducing me. Still, in my mind, I can assume that I dashed their hopes of hooking up with a Bonafide American Stud, even though they were likely just making small talk.

Luckily, I had two buddies that were tired of a place called Losers with overpriced drinks and wanted to go to the club where Tony had a VIP table. Even if he wasn't going, there was no reason we couldn't go and enjoy some free booze and scantily clad ladies in cages. When we got there, it was really fun, but that was simply because of the free alcohol. Like, you could have given me free booze in a dive bar with convicts, and I could have at least as much fun. At 31 years-old, I am not a club guy. Still, I did start to get down, had one girl who thought she could get down better than me, and then I proceeded to twerk her right off the stage. She was obviously impressed with the power of my dance moves, and also that I was dedicated enough to harm a girl with said dance moves.

Outside of the booze and booty shaking, my highlight was having a conversation with a guy who looked like the bad guy from Daredevil; he knew all of the girls that worked there, so I'm going to assume that he was an evil mastermind, and I was a pawn in his plan to take over the world.

After that, my buddy played some Craps, and I took advantage of more free drinks. After that, we headed back to the hotel, ran into people at McDonalds and took down some sausage burritos for sustenance. I usually hate McDonalds, but them having Sausage Burritos at any time can be really clutch when you are drunk and just need something that will help you not feel like shit the following morning. Bless you, Sausage Burritos.

It was 4:30 AM when we got back to the room and passed out. Then I woke up at 6:00 AM to catch my flight. Shockingly, I did not particularly enjoy my cross country flight back to Florida, especially since my body has decided that that I will never be able to sleep on an airplane.

This was by far my most positive Vegas experience. I had a great time, and I still felt a little empty when it was all said and done. Although free drinks are one of my favorite things in this world, gambling and glamour just don't do it for me. I can make the best of any situation, but Vegas is at the absolute bottom of places I want to see again.

I wish my friends would give me an excuse to go to Austin.