Friday, November 17, 2017

I Like To Show Ass When I Pee

We live in a fairly soft and stuck up society these days. People like it when you follow "social norms" and when you don't "act like a weirdo." Well, I'm here to tell you that sometimes the weird feels better. That's why I like to show ass when I pee.

If you're a fella, we all know the kid who used to pull his pants down to his ankles to take a whiz at the urinal. Well, guess what? I was that kid. I was shamed into conformity, but I'm thinking that maybe 6-year-old me had the right idea, maybe showing ass while peeing is the proper way to do it. As an adult, I have learned that I like to show ass when I pee.

Now, since I do follow societal norms, I have not brought this to the public sphere. I am discreet at a urinal, but if I'm at home? All bets are off. The waist of my pants (almost always gym shorts) is thigh high at best, and it is simply a much better experience. You're not bunching everything up in an area, and you just get to stand there with nothing but freedom in front of you.

So, yes, in a public restroom, you should probably not act like a weirdo, but when you are in the comfort of your own home? Let your ass hang out and grab life by the balls...uh, scratch that (literally), and let the feeling set you free.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #45 Jack Haley

I just read "The Jordan Rules," Sam Smith's story of the 1990-1991 Chicago Bulls season that primarily focuses on Michael Jordan, but through nearly 400 pages, everybody gets a fair amount of ink. It made me long for those Chicago Bulls glory days, so I am going to go back and rank every player's contribution to the Bulls six NBA Titles during the 1990s.

Jack Haley
Somebody had to come in at 45, and just like many other roles that most would not have wanted to take, I feel like Jack would embrace his role in kicking off this series. Jack Haley spent ten years in the NBA. Well, okay, not really. He started in 1989 and ended in 1998, but he had some stops at other leagues in between there. His best work was during his first stint with the New Jersey Nets. In the 89-90 season, he started 26 games for the Nets and averaged six points and five rebounds per game. He also had less illustrious stints with the Spurs and Lakers.

Although it may not be greatly remembered, Haley also had two stints with the Bulls as he got there before they started winning championships as he was drafted in 1987 and played for the Bulls in 1988-89. He was claimed on waivers by the Nets in 1989 but came back to the Bulls for the 95-96 season.

His impact on the court was about as small as it could get. He played in a grand total of one game. He played seven minutes but did manage to put up six shots and two free throws. I have not been able to confirm that Jordan made him sit on the bench for the rest of the year because he was jealous of anybody getting up that many shots in that little of time.

But Haley made the most of his experience on the bench as he was an enthusiastic cheerleader for the team and provided a friend to Dennis Rodman which is not an easy job to do.

Unfortunately, Jack Haley passed away in 2015 due to heart disease. He was only 51 years old. He's one of those guys that seemed like a great guy and you never really heard anything bad about him.

I don't want to end on a sad note, so just in case you forgot how awesome Jack Haley was, here's some photos to help jog your memory.
I know what you're thinking. There is no way there is a better picture than that. Oh, but there is.

I know that now you are thinking, that this is the photo that cannot be topped, but it was.

Perfection.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

The Post Y2J Crisis: What Happened After Chris Jericho Made His WWE Debut - Part 1

For the WWE, the Countdown to the Millennium came a few months early (and technically, a year and a few months early) as it arrived on August 9th, 1999 with the debut of Y2J, Chris Jericho. Everybody remembers the debut of Y2J as it is one of those transcendent moments that is still talked about nearly 20 years later. It helped that there was a countdown for weeks in advance; it helped that it came during the middle of a promo from The Rock, and it helped that Jericho is one of those wrestlers who doesn't just have fans, he has fanatics. If you need a refresher on the moment, take a gander below.

Even though The Rock shut up Jericho, Y2J got his revenge later in the night when he interfered in The Rock's match with The Big Show and helped Mr. Ass beat up The Rock. Maybe the most important takeaway from all of this is that yes, the WWE had a lot of stupid names during the attitude era.

The debut was obviously great, but today, I want to focus on what happened after the debut. There was a ton of momentum with Jericho coming in, but it's not like he immediately took the belt off Stone Cold Steve Austin and become the top guy in the company, so where did Jericho go from here?

Well, the next week he kept the momentum going as he interrupted The Undertaker and The Big Show which was a true "Save Us Jericho" moment as Undertaker should never speak for more than 30 seconds. He rightfully called The Undertaker "the personification of boredom." Still, it ended much like Jericho's first segment where Jericho went on his rant about saving WWE, but the WWE stalwart got the last word.

He then went on to SummerSlam to talk trash to Road Dogg, and it goes exactly like all of Jericho's previous interactions where he lambastes the stalwart WWE Superstar, and the WWE Superstar gets the last word in. Maybe the best part is when Road Dogg gets on commentary right after and admits to not owning a computer. Back then, computers were for nerds. But in a matter of a couple weeks, Jericho has gone from feuding with The Rock to The Undertaker to The Road Dogg.

Well, at least there is nowhere to go from there but up. Haha, nope, the next night he interfered in a hardcore match with Road Dogg and Al Snow. After that, Y2J needed to use Howard Finkel, who was basically being cast as a poor man's Ralphus, as bait so he could get one up on Road Dogg. And he did this all in Ames, Iowa.

Jericho finally had his first WWE match on the very first episode of Smackdown. Jericho lost the match by disqualification after putting Road Dogg through a table. After the match, he put the Walls of Jericho on Road Dogg while he was passed out on the broken table, and the entire crowd cheered the nefarious heel. Since submissions hurt far more if they are done on a table, this injured the Road Dogg, leaving Jericho to move onto his next feud.

Later in the show, Jericho saved Howard Finkel from a Ken Shamrock beatdown by hitting Shamrock with a chair before sprinting away. This led to Jericho tricking Shamrock into fighting him in a parking lot where Jericho beat him down with a shovel. Then, in a very underrated moment that I wish would have become a thing, he made Howard Finkel take polaroids of him while he had Shamrock locked in the Walls of Jericho. Finally, Jericho agreed to meet Ken Shamrock face-to-face at the following week's Smackdown.

The biggest thing that came from this was the firing of Howard Finkel as Jericho could not depend on The Fink and needed to find better help.

And so Jericho brought in Mr. Hughes. That gave him protection against Ken Shamrock without any worries of personality, so he got dressed up like this.
Before Jericho could get his hands on Shamrock, he had a match with Mr. Ass, another heel, for some reason which just showed how little WWE actually cared about Jericho's impact.

Instead of waiting until a PPV for Shamrock's first match with Jericho, they instead had Jericho take him on in a first blood match on the Smackdown immediately before INSERT PPV. Jericho wore full hockey gear to protect himself, and thanks to help from Curtis Hughes, was able to win the match by causing Ken Shamrock internal bleeding. Ken Shamrock LOVED to internally bleed. And this, yes, a comedy match, on a random Smackdown, with Jericho making him bleed with a splash while wearing hockey gear, would be Ken Shamrock's last match in the WWE.

Chris Jericho's first real feud ended with no hoopla and limited buildup, but he did technically retire Ken Shamrock. Would Jericho use this momentum to take him to new heights? LOL, it gets WAY worse from here, but I'll tackle that next time.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

How To Make Money Online: Become a Paid Juror

In my pursuit of finding weird ways to make money, I found out about a site called Sign Up Direct where you can volunteer to be a mock juror. This is a bit of a stretch to call it making money online as you do have to do this one in person, but they do find opportunities in your area. Instead of the normal $15 for an entire day's work that jury duty gives you, this gets you $120 for a little over five hours of your time. Now you're not going to set the world on fire with the payday, but it's super easy money.

I signed up and was actually scheduled to be a mock juror within a week. I went to the office on a weekday night and at registration, I quickly realized that I was by far the sexiest juror out of the 21 selected people. Before we got started, we had to answer survey questions for an hour which was super boring as you had to wait for them to record the entire group's answer before moving on to the next question. It was definitely the most tedious part of the evening.

This brought us to our first of two breaks during the evening. The most disappointing part of the night were that the snacks were terrible. A tray of small store-bought cookies. They had sodas but no bottled water, what a joke. Since I'm a meathead, I brought a protein bar, and people were hella jealous of me.

After that, it was basically just a speedy trial. The reason they do this is to try to come to a settlement without actually going to court. If one side hears that a jury is not as favorable to their side as they expected, they may be willing to alter their negotiation in order to get a deal done to either save money or ensure they get something, rather than nothing. They have the lawyers on each side there but instead of using witnesses, they just use video clips of depositions to try to prove their points.

The plaintiff's side starts, and although I am not allowed to talk about the specifics, I can tell you what I thought of the people presenting. Unimpressed is the best word to describe it. As someone who has seen nearly every episode of Suits, I know good lawyering when I see it, and this, my friends, were two lawyers that would have been absolutely shredded by Harvey Specter. Hell, they may have had trouble with Harold. On the plaintiff's side, they had an older gentleman who had the charisma of a mosquito. He presented some facts, presented some testimony and told us that we should do what's right. Although he wasn't entertaining with it, he had enough information that I was definitely on his side when he had finished, and the defendant was going to have a lot of work to do for me to change that opinion.

The defendant did not deliver. He brought the charisma, but unfortunately, the words that came out of his mouth showed no compassion, and it made him unlikable. He didn't talk for as long as the plaintiff's side, and that was good, because he really didn't do himself any favors when he opened his mouth. It was disappointing, as I was hoping to be wowed by some good lawyering, but these two were total amateurs.

We wrapped up with a quick rebuttal from the plaintiff's side, but even he knew he didn't have much work to do at that point. After that, we split into three groups and came up with our own individual decisions. Finally, after we have filled out that form and given our justification, we talk about it as a group to come together as a group decision. luckily, we all agreed that the plaintiff should win, so then I took charge and just had us average what we thought the settlement should be to come up with our final number, because it was past 11:00 PM, and I just wanted to get out of there at that point.

The highlight of the night was the end where they give you an envelope with your pay - straight cash, homey. Overall, it's easy, boring work, but I have $120 and compared to some of the previous installments of making money online, this one has definitely been the most lucrative. The only issue is that outside of signing up, it's not done online, which does definitely give it an advantage.

Long story short: I'm rich, bitch.

Monday, November 13, 2017

My First Ring of Honor Show

I went to my first Ring of Honor show last night in Lakeland, Florida. I am a pretty big wrestling nerd, but the first thing I noticed is that, oh man, I've got nothing on these wrestling nerds. Although I have gone to some independent shows, the only things that I follow on a weekly basis are WWE and Lucha Underground. The only champion I could have reliably named in Ring of Honor or New Japan is that Cody is the ROH World Champion. Still the show was going to have the Young Bucks and Kenny Omega on it, and even as a WWE fanboy, I knew how big of a deal that was so I decided that this was definitely a show I needed to see.

After going, I will 100% be back.

Ring of Honor put on an awesome show from beginning to end. My only real complaint about it is that it lasted nearly five hours, and five hours is simply too long of a wrestling show. Three hours is really the sweet spot where you are getting your money's worth but not being totally worn down by the end of the night. But even though I was worn down, they gave enough cooldown matches where the entire crowd was still hyped for the main event.

I told a buddy that I was going to the show (tried to convince him, but he decided he wasn't a big enough wrestling fan to fly from Iowa to Florida for wrestling), and he recommended watching "Being the Elite" YouTube videos. I told him that I had no interest in stupid YouTube shows, but then I ended up giving them a shot, and I'm glad I did. it made everything The Elite did that night make way more sense, because there are a lot of inside jokes that you would only know by watching their YouTube show.

Speaking of The Elite; they are pretty damn awesome. Cody (formerly Rhodes) does a great job as the arrogant heel. Hangman Page, who I knew very little about, put on an awesome match with Flip Gordon. The Young Bucks are super fun, and Kenny Omega might be the best wrestler on the planet. But the MVP was probably Marty Scurll. I had seen him one other time, but only as part of a 10-man tag match at WrestleCon, but he was my favorite part of The Elite that night. His entrance is fun, his wrestling is fun, and he just put on a really great show.

Other guys who stood out were Flip Gordon, former Bachelorette contestant Kenny King, and Dalton Castle who has a ton of charisma. One other thing were how big former WWE guys are. Sometimes they look small compared to the massive human beings in the WWE, so you forget how big guys like Simon Grimm (formerly Gotch) and Trent Baretta are.

It was five hours, but outside of a little longer breaks between matches since it was for TV tapings, the matches flew by, tons of incredible spots, and overall it was well worth the time and money spent. It's really tough to beat great pro wrestling, and this was definitely great pro wrestling.

Finally, I would just like to point out this hero.
But he woke up just in time for the main event, and he was as hyped as you would expect from a guy who just had a three hour nap. This guy lived Sunday Funday to the fullest, and for that, I salute you.

Friday, November 10, 2017

UFC Fight Night: Poirier vs. Pettis Is a Surprisingly Fun Card

UFC Fight Night: Poirier vs. Pettis happens this weekend, and there are actually a lot of fights that I am interested in. In fact, I would say there are more fights on this card that I am excited about than last week's ballyhooed UFC 217. I'm going to limit it to the five fights I am most interested in, but from the prelims through the main card, this one is definitely worth your time.

5. Raphael Assuncao (-330) vs. Matthew Lopez (+270)
This is pretty clearly a fight where the UFC has no idea what to do with Raphael Assuncao. His only loss in the last six years is to TJ Dillashaw, and that only makes them 1-1 against each other. But he also has been on the right side of three split decisions during that time, so it's not like he's been dominant. Lopez provides an interesting matchup as he has a strong wrestling background and some nasty ground and pound that he used to upset Johnny Eduardo in his last fight. If Lopez can control the positions, he's dangerous, but I think Assuncao has a few too many weapons to see him getting upset in this one.

4. Andrei Arlovski (+317) vs. Junior Albini (-392)
This is just two large men who are going to slug it out. Albini is the heavy favorite for good reason as he's been crushing fools since losing a couple fights by submission early in his fighting career. Arlovski has lost his last five fights, but he's put some scares in people during that time as he still has great power in his hands, but when heavyweights find his chin, he usually finds the floor. Arlovski has provided me loads of entertainment over the years, but win or lose, I'm kind of hoping he hangs it up after this one. Oh, and I'm expecting lose.

3. Joe Lauzon (-115) vs. Clay Guida (-105)
Neither of these guys are relevant for the title picture, but they are both high-paced fun fighters that have been around the UFC forever. I mean, Joe Lauzon debuted against Jens Pulver at UFC 63, and Clay Guida debuted the next month at UFC 64. I've been ready to give up on both of these guys as relevant fighters multiple times, but then they will bounce back and look great, making me look very stupid. Either way, this is going to be a high-paced, super fun fight. I'm taking Clay Guida, because I think he can control the fight with his wrestling, especially with him now training at Team Alpha Male. It's a close fight, but I figure I should give the edge to the person who was nice to me (Joe Lauzon has never interacted with me, for the record).

2. Dustin Poirier (+106) vs. Anthony Pettis (-126)
The main event of the evening only gets the second spot on my list. There is no doubt that these are two incredibly talented fighters who could be deserving of a title shot down the line. Dustin Poirier almost made a leap into title contention during his last fight, but it was cut short due to an illegal knee strike from Eddie Alvarez. Anthony Pettis has been on top of the mountain and now is trying to work his way back up. Pettis has looked more tentative in his last handful of fights, as he used to pair smooth striking with well-timed aggression, but now it's almost like he's waiting for the perfect time to strike instead of racking up points using good times to strike. Even with that, the only person to really outclass Pettis was Max Holloway who is making everyone look like a fool. I'm going to take Pettis by decision, but I don't feel great about it.

1. John Dodson (-125) vs. Marlon Moraes (+105)
Full disclosure: John Dodson once trained me in mixed martial arts, so I am incredibly biased for this fight. With that being said, I'm kind of in line with the betting odds on this one. I see it as a very close fight as I like Moraes a lot and thought he did enough to win in his UFC debut against Raphael Assuncao. But Dodson is really, really good. He has two losses to Demetrious Johnson, and he came out on the wrong end of a split decision against John Lineker, a fight that most people thought Dodson won, and a fight that Lineker did not make weight for. Moraes is good, but he's not Mighty Mouse good, and that's why I think Dodson takes it and immediately calls out TJ Dillashaw (who he knocked out in their UFC debuts) after the fight.

For a random fight night card, there is a lot to look forward to. And I didn't even have time to mention Matt Brown vs. Diego Sanchez, Nate Marquardt vs. Cezar Ferreira, and a Sage Northcutt fight. It's not the super fights of last weekend, but it's still going to be fun. As Steve Brule would say, "Check It Out."

Thursday, November 9, 2017

WWE's Mount Rushmore of Boobs

Some people judge women by the content of their character, or for the more shallow crowd, the general attractiveness of their face, but WWE didn't mess around with those things. They let teenage me know that a woman's value wasn't about her brain size, it was about her bra size. Was this a good thing? No, it most certainly harmed me in innumerable ways and led me to objectifying women and being a total chauvinist for the next decade. I got better, but clearly, I'm not fully there as I am writing this article today.

But let's get to why we are all here, as it is time to run through the Mt. Rushmore of WWE's Boob Revolution, or Revoboobtion, if you will. Since I'm a feminist, I am not going to go with the best boobs for this Mount Rushmore, but instead, the boobs with the most impact on WWE history. #AllBoobsMatter

Sunny
You could make the argument that Sunny is the most important woman in WWE history. She was really the first woman to be allowed to have a personality. In fact, she didn't just have a personality, she was a personality. The WWE had female wrestlers during the Rock n' Wrestling days, but they were still a sideshow. They had women like Miss Elizabeth, but even she was more of a valet than a manager, better seen rather than heard. Sunny changed all of that. She could be good; she could be bad, and most importantly, she actually had dimensions (and not just the physical ones). Sunny changed the game, and you've gotta respect that.

Sable
Sable's biggest importance was that she turned the big boobed model type into a woman who would also wrestle. Notice that I didn't say that she could wrestle, but she would wrestle. Sadly, Sable's wrestling was better than her dancing, but she pretty much took boobs to the next level as she found new and inventive ways to show off her breasts, including being the first WWE woman to appear in Playboy.

Debra
Possibly the most controversial pick, but also possibly the queen of WWE boobs. She started the Puppy Revolution and although she wasn't the face, she was definitely the chest of the Attitude Era. I could see an argument for Chyna in this spot, but nobody really followed in Chyna's footsteps. the closest thing to it was Nicole Bass. Debra was totally inconsequential outside of her "Puppies," and she's a great signifier for how far the WWE has come since the Attitude Era. Seriously, every woman showed as much cleavage as possible and were completely defined by their breasts. Debra was not a woman; she was a pair of tits with a woman attached to them.

Trish Stratus
Definitely the best of the four in the Mount Rushmore, as she was the only one to combine competent wrestling along with being super attractive. She was an actual athlete who may not be setting the world on fire during the Women's Revolution, but she did revolutionize how a woman could be seen in the WWE. She started off as a Debra like character, just a set of tits with blonde hair, but she evolved, showed personality, and eventually showed in-ring aptitude. Her feud with Lita wasn't just important for women; it was important for wrestling.

I have a dream, that one day, people will look back and understand that, outside of segments involving The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Attitude Era really sucked, and I will be able to move Debra off this list. Eventually, the WWE may even have fully formed personalities for women where this list could truly evolve, you know, at least enough to include a brunette.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Never Use Housekeeping

Whether it be for work or pleasure, I have traveled a fair amount in my day. And despite my white trash tendencies, I have stayed in some pretty upscale places. Those were all work related. I have also stayed in some dumps, because I'm a cheap piece of shit, and my wife has to convince me that maybe the Murder Inn is not the best place to spend an evening.

But through that time, I feel like I have learned some important lessons. The most important of these lessons is the relative worthlessness of housekeeping during your stay. Now, before I get going, let me say that they are VERY important between stays as I depend on them to not be lying in a mixture of blood, semen, and bedbugs. But once I get there, I really see no purpose in them coming in my room each day.

First off, I hate having the sheets tucked in. Seriously, who wants to be tucked that tight? I rarely wear shoes or underwear, because I am a man who needs freedom. Getting in one of those super tucked beds is one of the most aggravating feelings in the world. Nobody can possibly enjoy being tucked in like that. It is already too much of a struggle to get those sheets untucked. To have housekeeping come in and retuck might be too much for me to physically remove, and it is most certainly too much for me to mentally go through that struggle again.

Also, it's not like I need extra towels. Most of my trips to hotels are three nights or less. I can use a towel for three straight days without much stress. Even if I do need more towels or toiletries, I can get that separate without getting the whole housekeeping service.

Finally, I like my stuff where I leave my stuff. I don't need things moved around and put into proper places, because I like things laying around with no rhyme or reason as I thrive in chaos. I don't need things put in drawers and me having to search all around because a random woman, or man (I'm progressive), decided this was the best method moving forward. 

The only people that can justify using housekeeping are complete slobs who make the room into a shithole in a matter of hours and total sociopaths who enjoy the feeling of being tucked in. The former needs to clean up their act, and the latter needs professional help; not even housekeeping can save you from that.