College Football Thoughts

The blog took a hiatus, and while some may think that it was because I went into a deep, dark depression over Iowa's loss to Arizona, my life is not quite pathetic enough where Iowa's performance determines my mood for weeks at a time.

Despite it being very late to be talking about this, let's discuss the Iowa-Arizona game. It wasn't mistakes that killed the Hawkeyes. Sure, having a punt blocked, an interception returned for a touchdown, and a kickoff returned for a touchdown. But Arizona muffed a punt, and had an intereception returned for a touchdown as well. With that, these two teams are even, but Iowa made one more mistake. That's not the case. Iowa is a superior team to Arizona, and nobody will be able to convince me otherwise. The reason the Hawkeyes lost is they played flat throughout most of the game. It happens, even to great teams. Alabama played flat against Arkansas, but Alabama has way more talent than Iowa will ever have, so it is much easier for them to make up for an off performance. If Iowa executes in every one of their final games, they can beat anybody that faces them, but the Big Ten is tough this year, so if they play flat, they may not be able to eke out a victory, even if they are facing inferior competition.

Sticking with the Hawkeyes, Mike Daniels was holy shit badass insane motherfucking killer yesterday. Wow. Him and Binns should mean that the 2011 d-line should at least be solid after we lose three very good guys after this year.

The seeds were already planted, as he had torn up defenses on NCAA 2011, but Marcus Coker seems like he's going to be legit. Also, prepare for the gayest thing that I have ever (or will ever, hopefully) say on this blog. Did you see the ass on Marcus Coker? It's huge. I have never noticed a football player's ass in my entire life of watching football, but Jesus, that man has an ass on him. I did no research on the subject, but I'm going to assume that a huge ass usually leads to powerful lower body. Yeah, Coker is going to be a stud. I also suggested this weekend that we replace Wegher Bombs with Jack & Cokers. I also thought about Rum & Cokers, because it sounds like Runnin Cokers, but I'm not sure if that drink is manly enough, and it feels a little too punny to me.

Back to teams playing flat, Arizona nearly lost this weekend. I only caught the end of the game, because of the UFC PPV, but they would have lost had Cal's kicker been able to make an easy field goal. Instead, Arizona scored in the final minute after a great catch by Juron Criner. I basically knew that Arizona was going to win when I saw that their defensive end, Ricky Elmore, did the Lattimer facepaint.
It is the most badass way to paint your face, and it basically ensures victory for your team. That's how ESU made a bowl game that year, despite star quarterback Joe Cane receiving a suspension for getting in a bar fight and getting a DUI.

As much as I love Coker, he is not my favorite freshman running back named Marcus, because Marcus Lattimore is a beast. He's such a beast that for once, a team coached by Steve Spurrier doesn't look like a bunch of fairies prancing around the football field. Lattimore is an extremely powerful runner, and he's probably the best college football back since Adrian Peterson.

I write out notes to myself while watching games, and usually I can expand on these notes for the blog. Over the weekend, I wrote, "Notre Dame sucks." I don't know what else to say about that, so just in case you didn't know, Notre Dame sucks.

Quick Thoughts on Quarterbacks:
The Jake Locker debacle against Nebraska a couple weeks ago didn't surprise me. Everyone's beating him down because of poor decisions and poor accuracy, but I still think his biggest issue is that he does not see the whole field at all. He stares down his receivers, and it makes him extremely predictable.

Ryan Mallett sucks too. Not as bad as Locker, but he still sucks. If he isn't ripped for his mechanics like Tim Tebow was, there is something seriously wrong, because his mechanics are far worse. He throws off his back foot every other throw, which leads to, unsurprisingly, some really awful tosses. Also, people love that he's 6'7", but since when does that mean a QB is going to be good? The last QB with that type of size who had moderate success was Scott Mitchell (and let's face it, he sucked). Do you really want to use a high draft pick on the next Scott Mitchell?

Finally, a QB I like (a little) in Andrew Luck. It's tough to judge any QB when they're playing Notre Dame, because, as noted above, Notre Dame sucks. He did a good job with his accuracy, and he was able to actually scan the field instead of staring down receivers. The most impressive thing about him is that even though he is not on the same level as Jake Locker when it comes to athleticism, I haven't seen a QB this year that uses his athleticism as well as Andrew Luck does. He knows how to move in the pocket to buy himself extra time, all while keeping his eyes down the field. This is something that Mallett doesn't have the athleticism to do, and Locker doesn't have the awareness to do. I'll still have to see more of him before he gets the highly coveted Hott Joe stamp of approval.

-Joe

P.S. My thoughts on the UFC card this weekend, it sucked worse than Notre Dame.

P.P.S. My boy Jose Canseco has gotten a lot of mainstream publicity for his latest tweet, but I still felt I should share it with my readers:
JoseCanseco I need an attorney pro bono my lanlord evicted me and would not let me take my chandeleers with me ,need your help to get them back
Honestly, this tweet makes me proud. I feel like the owner of a retarded puppy who chases after a frisbee, but trips over it while trying to pick it up. Sure, the puppy didn't get it right, but it was a much better try than I expected. This is equivalent to Jose's spelling of chandelier. Sure he didn't get it right, but the simple fact that he started it with a ch instead of sh is a really great accomplishment for him. Great job Jose.

Things I Wish I Could Gamble On: Part 1 - Divorce

Let's face it, gambling is fun. Winning money is awesome and losing money really sucks, but it's a shame on how very few things we can gamble on. Yes, we can go to the casino, try our luck at Blackjack, Roulette, or Craps, but calling any of those things great skill is a gross overstatement. Sure, you can use some skills, but it's also a lot of luck.

The other thing that people bet on is sports. Nearly everyone gets involved in some sort of NCAA Basketball pool. Unfortunately, it's only legal in Las Vegas and Delaware. Obviously, people have turned to off-shore betting sites so they can bet online on various sporting events. It basically makes watching the games a ton more fun. Imagine watching Cleveland @ Tampa Bay this weekend, not too exciting, but imagine you having Cleveland +3 for $20. It becomes a shit-ton more exciting, and it will make you do things you never thought you'd do, like cheer for Jake Delhomme.

Still, that isn't nearly enough for people to gamble on. Think about all the things that happen in your everyday life. There are so many things that I wish I was able to gamble on. Some select college students are allowed to bet on their grades. That's fantastic, but I feel like we could really take this to the next level. Here are things I wish I could gamble on.

1. Divorce - This may seem cruel, but we all do it. Whenever I go to a wedding, I assess their chance of success. Although I usually get too drunk to do any real in-depth analysis, I still take a few mental notes on the newly married couple. I also look on our Facebook news feed and notice that so and so got married. I immediately wonder what type of pud/hog that one of my Facebook friends got married to. I quickly look it up, and I assess how long I think they will be married. On the positive side, I sometimes think that it looks like those two will probably have a successful marriage. Other times (quite often), I predict their love to fail. Now, let me say, I'm not hoping that their love fails; but in my head, I'm predicting an awful divorce. It really never goes beyond my thoughts, but imagine if I could gamble on it? Hell yes. Get some buddies involved, have people put money on both sides of the docket and let the fun begin. I think an over/under would be the best and most simple way to make the bets, but you could turn it into a pool form where everybody picks a date for divorce as well.

Not only that, but it would test people's morality. If I'm putting $20 down, with a possibility to win $100, I'm probably not going to sabotage a marriage just to win that money. But if we're putting down $100, and I could win $1000, my morality will be on a case by case basis. If I don't like the groom or bride of a certain wedding, I might secretly type up a letter (ala J-Woww and Snooki) and make sure the person finds out about their spouse's terrible deeds. The question then would become, would I do it because that person is bad and I can win money off of it, or would me winning money off of it make me see that person as bad?

I could also sabotage in an even more fun manner. Face it, girlfriends, fiancees, and wives make guys a lot less fun. They start to mature, and they are perfectly happy hanging out with their lady. I understand where they are coming from, but I do not approve of it any way, shape, or form. Imagine what an epic night you could have if you get your friend away from the ball and chain and everybody gets shit-faced. You then give him a ride home and let him pass out next to his wife...NOT. You hire a prostitute. You have her pose as just another barfly looking for a good time. She seduces him, and bam, you're $1000 richer because of the divorce, and your buddy is going to want to go on the prowl nonstop once he gets divorced to show that broad what she's missing. This is a little thing that I like to call a win-win. I might even call it a win-win-win since your buddy is free again. Sure he goes to a therapist and has already developed a serious drinking problem, but those are minor prices to pay for sexual freedom.

There is nothing that will make me think this is a bad idea.

-Joe

P.S. If you are married and reading this, I totally think your marriage is going to last. People who have good taste in their reading always have good taste in their spouses. I just feel sorry for those suckers not reading this, their marriage has no shot.

P.P.S. I finally found out what hip hop is. It just took a true gangstette to help me understand: Thanks white lady.

Why Not?

On the verge of college football season beginning, I keep asking myself one question, why not? Every Iowa fan seems to be coming up with tons of reasons as to why this can't be a special season for the Hawkeyes, but I keep coming back to the question of why not? Is this a perfect team? No. But is it fatally flawed in any discernible way? Not that I can see. Let's go through the biggest worries for Hawkeye fans in 2010.

Although inexperienced, the offensive line will be better than most people think this year. If there is one coach to help an offensive line come together quickly, that coach would have to be Kirk Ferentz. They are constantly challenged by what may be the best defensive line in the nation which will help the team fix mistakes before they become problems. Brian Bulaga was a first round pick last year, and Riley Reiff was more impressive than him on the offensive line last year. The offensive line isn't going to be as good as Wisconsin's, but it will still be good. Why not?

The secondary is not going to fall off from last year, even with losing Amari Spievey. Yes, he basically cut off half the field for passing attacks last year. That is going to be incredibly tough to replace, but Shaun Prater did a good job at CB2 last year, and Micah Hyde just keeps being more and more impressive than people want to give him credit for. Also, Iowa's system helped make Spievey look better in coverage than he may have actually been. He's already been moved to safety for the Lions. Although they may not be All Big Ten this year, these are still solid corners who will not remind us the James Hardy Nightmare. Iowa's secondary can be just as good as last year's. Why not?

The linebackers are going to take small step backwards, but I put the emphasis on small. Hawkeye linebackers are always good. They're not always great. It's not always Abdul Hodge, Chad Greenway, or AJ Edds, but they're always good. Iowa linebackers have always produced. Even when things were at their worst, guys like Mike Humpal and Mike Klinkenborg (who was part human/part robot) did a very good job at the linebacker position. Tyler Nielsen has been groomed to replace Edds, and Tarpinian has shown himself to be such a good cover linebacker that the Hawkeyes often brought him in on third down for that very reason. To say these linebackers are going to be better than the 2009 version would be wishful thinking, but that doesn't mean that they aren't still going to be good. Why not?

The running game will be much better this year. And it wasn't bad last year. Yes, I know that we will no longer be celebrating Wegher Bombs this year. And yes, I know that Paki is #2 on the depth chart for the first game of the season. But we have the "crown jewel" of the backfield making his return in Jewel Hampton. I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic about Jewel, because I know that serious leg injuries usually take two years to fully recover. But still, medicine and rehab is only getting better so there's no reason that guys can't get back to peak performance quicker. This is the evolution of medicine, this is the evolution of Iowa's running game. A-Rob will definitely improve from a very good Freshman year, but Jewel will be the next great Iowa running back. Why not?

Iowa will be good enough on the road. It is well known that the Hawkeyes have a history of struggling on the road, especially early in the season. I don't expect the Hawkeyes to play amazing football on the road, but I do expect them to be good. This year, that's all it should take. Iowa's road schedule is set up perfectly for them to end up 5-0. First off is Arizona in a night game. If anybody watched PAC-10 football last year, they'd realize that none of those teams were taught the art of tackling. That's kind of a big deal in football. Plus, I will be there, extremely inebriated, and cheering the team on, so that's got to help, right? Michigan? Definitely a tough game as Iowa tends to struggle against the spread offense, but they also are playing not one, not two, but three quarterbacks. Does that sound like a good idea to anyone? If that doesn't sell you, Michigan has no defense so it's tough for me to worry too much about them. Indiana? Yeah, that's a win. Northwestern? I know that we have struggled, but they have gotten ridiculously lucky against the Hawkeyes. Stanzi will have his revenge. And Minnesota? You're joking, right? They lost to Iowa State last year, so that matchup has me only slightly more worried than Ball State. Iowa doesn't have to be perfect, and I think they're plenty good enough to avoid a slip-up on the road. Why not?

Iowa will beat Ohio State. And they'll also win all of their other home games. But let's face it, Ohio State is the game everybody is most worried about. Ohio State is a great team. They have a ton of talent, and they are well coached. They have gotten the better of the Hawkeyes. These are all things that I completely recognize. But are they going to come into Kinnick and beat the Hawkeyes? No, they're not. Our defensive line did not do a good enough job stopping the run in that game. Everybody's back, and they're going to make sure there is not another repeat performance. Terrelle Pryor looked like a solid quarterback against Oregon in the Rose Bowl last year. The PAC-10 does not know how to tackle, so needless to say, I was unimpressed. Ohio State is going to have to depend on Pryor's decision making abilities for the Buckeyes to win this game. With that being the case, I like the Hawkeyes chances. I think this game comes right down to the wire. Luckily, this year, Iowa will have their leader taking over in the fourth quarter. Ricky Stanzi's gonna win this one for America. Why not?

-Joe

P.S. If every person who has ever played quarterback in the history of football was asked what is worse than throwing an interception, none of them would come up with an answer half as awesome as Ricky Stanzi's (The greatness begins at about 1:40).

This man loves America more than I will ever love anything or anyone in my entire life.