A Pessimistic Look at the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes

Somehow The Hawkeyes have looked worse than this.

Optimism is for suckers. Yesterday, a positive outlook on the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes was posted on this blog. I am here to tell you that the person who wrote that is delusional, because the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes are terrible. They have a zero percent chance of winning another game this year.

Listen, if you're a Hawkeyes fan, your life is terrible, and it's only going to get worse. You have a good family? You were probably adopted. You love your girlfriend? She'll dump you soon. There's good comedies on TV? They'll probably be replaced by syndicated episodes of How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory. And you'll always have Natty Light? They'll probably be bought out by some shit beer company like Sam Adams and turned into some awful tasting micro brew. And don't expect the Hawkeyes to get better, because they are so awful that they might get kicked out of the B1G to join some second-rate conference like the Big 12.

Seriously, take a look at these losses.

Iowa @ Iowa State
God hates me and my entire family. My family has attended three schools that Iowa State has played this year, and Iowa State is 3-0 against those schools, and 1-4 against everybody else.  Iowa, Northern Iowa, and Texas Tech somehow can't beat these pieces of shit, but Baylor will put a hurtin' on them. But unlike Northern Iowa and Texas Tech, Iowa should have been a good football team. Now they'll be lucky to win another game this decade.

Iowa @ Penn State
Rob Bolden led a scoring drive. Are you fucking kidding me?

Iowa @ Minnesota State
Okay, with a coach like Hayden Fox having help from Luther and Dobber, yeah, Minnesota State is not going to be an easy team to beat. That's a quality loss...wait, what? You're joking, right? We lost to regular Minnesota? Haven't they been outscored like a billion to seven this season? And they won? Oh, Christ, burn down Kinnick Stadium, we no longer deserve football.

And shit doesn't get better as the season goes on.

Michigan - Expect the Hawkeyes to get Denarded.

Michigan State - That overrated piece of shit Kirk Cousins will mesmerize the Hawkeyes with his crystal blue eyes and give all the sports pundits reason to nut all over themselves with how great of a leader he is.

Purdue - They're good enough to beat Minnesota, which is more than Iowa can say.

Nebraska - This isn't going to be a rivalry, it's going to be a snuff film.

Seriously, Hawkeye fans, don't get your hopes up. This season is over. Next season is over, and after that, they will probably disband the football team to focus on their Club Lacrosse team. Life sucks.

-Joe

P.S. Okay, so not even I can be completely negative. Steel Panther's album drops today. And I cannot wait for Tomorrow Night (by the way, there is nothing safe for work about this video).

An Optimistic Look at the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes

So the Hawkeyes lost to Minnesota yesterday, and that's a bummer. But put away the rat poison, Hawkeye fans, this is not the end of the world for the Hawkeyes. There are so many things to live for: Friends, family, episodes of Workaholics and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Natural Light, and yes, even the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes.

Wait, what? The 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes stink at football in your opinion? I guess I could see how you would think that. But I've got great news...the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes are still going to go to a BCS game this season. How is that possible? Well, before we look into the future, we must first take a look at the past.

Iowa @ Iowa State
Remember this game? I bet you were super bummed out when the game ended. I know I sure was, but then I realized that despite not playing all that well, it very much appeared that the Hawkeyes tried that day. So that was nice. The gods were against the Hawkeyes on this day, as Steele Jantz, who is only slightly better than Rob Bolden (who we'll get to later) made a deal with Satan to beat the Hawkeyes. Yes, Steele, you may have gotten the win, but I know the Hawkeyes will win the war as all of your children are cursed to be eunuchs.

Iowa @ Penn State
Rob Bolden led a scoring drive in this game. Literally, every bounce went Penn State's way in the first half. Sometimes them's the breaks. Iowa is the better team, and I am sure they will show that to their future opponents.

Iowa @ Minnesota
Wow, I did not see this one coming. And neither did the Hawkeyes. Whoopsies! A surprise onside kick? Shoot, that was a good call Mr. Kill. The bounces did not seem to go the Hawkeyes way at all in this one. But at least Kirk went for it on fourth down. That's progress.

And progress is what we will need as the Hawkeyes take out every one of their remaining opponents. How can a team that lost to Minnesota and Iowa State beat respectable teams? That's easy, with Loyalty, Heart, Horniness, and Respect, and the Hawkeyes have those in abundance.

Loyalty will defeat Michigan next weekend. They had no loyalty towards Lloyd Carr, and then none for Rich Rodriguez. I expect Brady Hoke to be fired by the end of the first half and replaced by Hugh Jackman, since he plays Wolverine in movies. WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Heart will defeat Michigan State. Their coach had a heart attack, which means that his entire team has a weak heart. Expect a triple bypass sometime in the second quarter. That's right, ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Horniness will help the Hawkeyes slay Purdue. How will horniness do this? Well, if there's one thing that all Hawkeyes love to do, it's beat up the bush. In this case, it will be Caleb TerBush, who will be on the ground nonstop as the Hawkeyes beat it up. Three in a row, ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Respect will defeat Nebraska. Have you seen those Pelinis yell at refs? Not very respectful at all. Expect the refs to eject half of the Cornhuskers as Iowa destroys them by 50 points. ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

After that, it's up in the air on who the Hawks will play, but tattoos will be their downfall. Ohio State? They lack moral fiber as they have both scandals AND tattoos. Wisconsin? Bielema's got a Hawkeye tattoo, and he paid for it with his brain. And Penn State? Little known fact about Joe Paterno, after last year's loss to the Hawkeyes, he got a tattoo on his caboose that just said "Ferentz's", because Kirk owns that ass. Sounds like ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Yeah, the Hawks have had some bad luck this year, but a BCS game is not only a possibility, it's the Hawkeyes destiny. Cheer up Hawks, and I'll see you at DC's next Saturday.

-Joe

P.S. For all the ladies out there who live, laugh, and love, read this (H/T Devlin).

The Only Problem With Natural Light

I have always known that nobody is perfect, but now it seems that nothing in this world is perfect. The closest thing to perfection, without a doubt, is Natrual Light. It goes down like water, it's cheap, it screams party, and it is always reliable to get you drunk, but never wasted.

Unfortunately, that first point is actually a flaw. Before all you beer snobs think that a beer with little taste is a bad thing, it's not, so you can shove your fancy beers up your ass and hope your bidet can clean things out for you. With that being said, Natural Light may be a little too close to water.

See, I'm a man in my mid-late twenties (I refuse to classify 27 as late 20s, although 28 means it's probably time for a nursing home...until I turn 28, and then 28 will be young again), so when I drink all day and all night, it leads to hangovers. The best thing for a hangover is chocolate milk, trust me on that, but if I'm not in the mood for that, I like to replenish myself with the classic cure of water.

Alcohol, which Natural Light contains, is a poison, and my body recognizes that. My body has a short-term memory, so it never tries to tell me to stop while I am poisoning it, but if I try to repoison it, my body tries to reject that. So, what I have learned is that water is extremely hard to drink after a Natty Light hangover due to the fact that my body thinks I am repoisoning it. I am trying to help my body, but my body makes water, which has no flavor, taste bad to my mind. My body can literally not tell the difference between water and Natural Light. This is not fun, because the rehydration process is not easy without water, so my hangovers last much longer than they did in my youthful days. As an advocate for Natural Light, it was depressing to discover its incorrectable flaw.

So, that leads us to this very difficult question. Am I done drinking Natural Light?

The answer...

Fuck no. I'm just done drinking water when I'm hungover. A person can die without water, but a person has no reason to live without Natural Light.

-Joe

P.S. I'm not sure what the most shocking thing is in this article about Hawkeyes Cornerback B.J. Lowery. That his name is Fernando, or that B.J. stands for Boots Junior. Although, I would like to now think that every B.J. is referring to Boots Junior. I remember Hawkeye and Chicago Bulls legend, Boots Junior Armstrong, and you see that chick over there in the corner, I wouldn't mind if she gave me a Boots Junior.

Al Davis Was More Inspirational Than Steve Jobs

I learned something very interesting this past week. It seems like half the people I know had some sort of personal relationship with Steve Jobs. This was amazing, because I wouldn't think that a billionaire would have that many friends in common with me, but apparently I was wrong. All over Twitter, Facebook, and even Black Planet, people mourned the loss of Steve Jobs. I, unlike most of the people I know, did not have a personal relationship with Steve Jobs. I'm pretty sure that he started Apple, but I have never felt the urge to thank him for that. I thanked him with my money when I bought my one Apple product, an iPod Nano. I am happy with this purchase as we have spent nearly two years ago, and it works almost all the time despite me repeatedly dropping it over these past two years. It's obviously bad that he died, and especially since he died at a younger age than the average American, but outside of the two minutes I have spent writing this paragraph, it has had no real effect on my life.

On the other hand, I was saddened to see a true legend die when Oakland Raiders Owner, Al Davis, passed away. I had no personal relationship with Al Davis, but this man should be an inspiration to everyone. Was Al Davis a good person? Honestly, no, and I don't think that Al Davis would ever consider himself a "good" person, but that doesn't mean he wasn't an amazing person.

Al Davis was a snake, and he'd be the first person to tell you that. He would do anything to win, and that is why he was so successful. This weekend, people were listing his accomplishments of being a coach, commissioner, owner, and a whole lot of other things, but I don't think most people took the time to realize what that actually meant. Al Davis was not a self-made man, he was a self-made icon, and there is zero chance of anybody pulling off what he was able to do in professional football.

He started off in coaching, and quickly worked his way up to head coach of the Raiders. Then he became a general manager, and he became so successful that he worked his way into having an ownership stake in the team. He then tricked one of the other owners into giving him the option to buy them out behind the other owner's back, and eventually strong-armed his way into the controlling owner of the team. The other owner tried to sue him, but it was too late, Al Davis was too smart and diabolical to be stopped from owning the Raiders.

I'm obviously giving a very brief description of what happened, but the above paragraph is absolutely baffling to me. Bill Belichick is probably the most powerful coach in the NFL today, and in your wildest imagination, could you imagine him taking the ownership away from Robert Kraft? There is no god damn way that could EVER happen. But Al Davis seriously pulled that off.

I would have loved to have been friends with Al Davis, but I would have shit my pants had I been his enemy. Al Davis was seen as a punchline late in his life as his personnel moves had not been working like they had been in the past, but he created successful teams in the 70s, 80s, 90s, and early 00s. And it's a shame he passed away when he did, because it looks like the Raiders are back on the road to respectability again.

Steve Jobs passing was seen as a much bigger deal, and that's not surprising at all. Apple is a far bigger brand than the Oakland Raiders, and Steve Jobs had far more money than Al Davis. Steve Jobs went into computers and rose to the top, but Al Davis chose the football business while also reaching the top. But know one thing, had Al Davis chosen the computer business, you would still know the name Al Davis, but you would have no clue who Steve Jobs was. Al Davis was committed to excellence, and he lived his life with one simple motto, "Just win, baby."

Now that's an inspiration.

-Joe

P.S. Mexico may be ahead of the US in progressive ideas towards marriage. A two-year marriage license, cut it down to two months, and I might lose my fear of commitment.

Women Law Violation

So my buddy pointed me in the direction of the hashtag Women Law Violation on Twitter like a month ago. I found some amusing tweets, copied them, but couldn't think of anything entertaining at the time to say about the tweets, so they've just been sitting there, ready to be blogged. Well, today is the day that this blog becomes a reality. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you #WomenLawViolation.

drzarbaugh Dean R. Zarbaugh II 
Leaving the kitchen. #womenlawviolation

This is one I used to agree with, but now I vehemently disagree. Have I learned to become a feminist as I have matured? Oh, God no. But I would like to be a kept man, so I need my lady to be out there making that scrilla. Let's face it: I'm far too pretty to work.

inPHamICE Mr. Marcus 

wearing animal print clothes and youre bigger than the animal youre wearing #womenlawviolation

Oh, snap. Mr. Marcus is putting it down on large ladies wearing animal print. About a thousand people wrote this same thing, but I have to disagree again. In fact, if my financials were in order, I might hire a large lady in animal print to stand outside my house so I no longer had to worry about cougar attacks (the animals and the ladies).

stillaCOLEworld you follow, I lead. 

#womenlawviolation refusing to go down, but expecting to receive it.

Wait a sec...guys can do that to girls? Who knew? Must be something desperate guys do.

TheArabPrincess Your Royal Highness 

#WOMENLAWVIOLATION walking around the club barefoot

It may be a women law violation, but it could lead to hilarious results when used in West Coast Dance. Wait a second, this is actually still a very bad idea. My buddies like to break glass more than they like breaking serve. If you see West Coast Dancers at the club, please, keep your shoes on, or you might get lockjaw.

tripstah chris joyner 

@RickeySmiley Not greasing up under the titties #WOMENLAWVIOLATION

I don't even know what this one means, but I promise to never take a girl home until she can assure me that she is greased up under the titties.

bossy_chelle Marchelle Love

#womenlawviolation wearing colored draws with white pants

This is why I don't wear white pants, because I only own exotic underwear. Ladies, if you ever see me in white pants, you may want to throw water on me, because your eyes will get the thrill of a lifetime.

BobbyJComedy Bobby J. 
#WomenLawViolation Telling a Man you got that Wet-Wet but need KY Jelly to get you a jump start!

If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me that she got that wet-wet, I would have zero dollars as I have never heard that phrase before Bobby J's edgy comedy brought it to my attention. It is something that I am going to start asking girls anytime I dance with them at the clubs. I know my dance moves are quite amazing, so I'll be shocked if they don't got that wet-wet, hopefully to the point where they won't even need that KY-Jelly to give them a jumpstart.

-Joe

P.S. Zack Ryder has still got the spot, but Dolph Ziggler is making a hard charge to be the most entertaining wrestler in the WWE. I recommend everyone reads this interview, especially question five where he lets the world know that he's a Natural Light drinker. Natty is like the nWo...it's taking over.