The 47 Best Players from the 1998 Chicago Cubs - #44 Justin Speier

44. Justin Speier
Justin Speier was selected in the 55th round in the 1995 MLB Draft. Even if you only took his contributions to the 1998 Cubs, which was one appearance for an inning and a third, you'd have to be impressed with the outcome. But Speier went on to pitch for another 11 years for various teams after 1998, which may make him the greatest 55th round draft pick in history.

And his contributions for that 1998 team did not end with that single appearance where he gave up two runs. He was also packaged in a deal with Kevin Orie and Todd Noel for Steve Hoff, and most importantly, Felix Heredia who would go on to solidify the bullpen for the Cubs at the end of the season.

He was more of a middling reliever playing for the Marlins, Braves, Indians, and Rockies before heading north of the border to the Toronto Blue Jays. There, he switched to a strict maple syrup diet and had the best years of his career. He then signed a free agent with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim where the maple syrup carried him to one more good year. But the LA lifestyle got to him, he switched to an avocado diet, and his ERA doubled for his final two seasons in the majors.

Would you care for some Justin Speier highlights? Because I am about to blow your socks off with some Justin Speier highlights.


Wait, you didn't want highlights from his wedding? Oh...I did not expect that reaction. But if you watched the video, he seemed like such a happy guy. I couldn't find out whether they are still married, but I sure hope they are. Anyway, to please the people who want highlights of him on a field, here you go:


Oh, you actually want to see him playing in a game? Fine, here goes my last video with him striking out Minnesota Twins great, Jason Kubel, with a sick pitch.


The internet has WAY too many videos these days. But seriously, I think Justin Speier has the worst collection of highlight videos of any player with 12 years of MLB experience. The only other worthwhile video was him yelling at Mike Scioscia. But it was an impressive career nonetheless, and it all started with his experience with the 1998 Chicago Cubs.

In case you missed it:
Introduction
#47 - Matt Karchner
#46 - Jose Nieves
#45 - Rodney Myers

I Officiated a Wedding

Many months ago, I was asked to officiate a wedding for two friends. I accepted without giving it much thought, because I think it's always a good idea to do what is necessary to make a bride happy on her wedding day. If they would have asked me to come up with a choreographed fire dance, I would have done that too, but I'm really glad that it was just officiating, as this job didn't lead to third degree burns. It almost did, but we'll get to that later.

In advance of the wedding, I got ordained through the American Marriage Ministries. It was super easy, like to the point where I thought it was too easy, and I was really questioning whether I had read everything correctly. I kept reading everything through, and it all seemed legit, so I really hope that I was properly ordained as a minister, and if not, then I am super sorry to the married (well, I guess still not married) couple.

So becoming an ordained minister, even if it's simple, seems like it should be some sort of religious experience. It was definitely not that for me. I have an open mind when it comes to religion; if it makes you happy and a decent person, great, but it personally doesn't mean anything to me, so I don't really practice it. Well, the script I was given by the happy couple contained a whole shitload of Jesus. For me, I would say it was an uncomfortable amount of Jesus; hell, they even mentioned Paul, and I think he was one of the writers of the bible - that's a deep cut. But ultimately, it was there day, so if my sacrilegious activities led to my eternal damnation, then so be it.

But before I could join these two in the holiest of matrimonies, the Matron of Honor volunteered me to drive people around during the day before the ceremony, so ladies could get their hair and makeup done, and people could be chauffered for pictures. I would have straight up told the MoH to mind her own business, but she also happens to be my wife, so what she says goes. Things did not start smoothly, as my second pickup was all of the bridesmaids, and they were so loud. I wanted to tell them to chill out, but if there's one thing crappy romantic comedies have taught me is that weddings make the ladies go cray cray. I stayed quiet and smiled, just like the little bitch boy they wanted me to be. Luckily, things quieted down after that. The only unfortunate thing is they did not build in enough time for me to get intoxicated before I started officiating; hell, they barely gave me enough time to shower, but as a newly formed man of God, I did my duty.

But no good officiating story would be complete without me fucking something up, so, yeah, I delayed the start of the ceremony. So, here's the deal: They decided to have a candle lit ceremony. This meant that reading was going to be an issue, but I had bigger fish to fry as I was supposed to get the microphone set up. Why I was doing this instead of the wedding planner is beyond me, but I didn't think to ask questions as I am a man of action.

Unfortunately, as I was trying to get the microphone set up, I wasn't paying attention to where I was stepping, and I managed to kick over three candles. There was no fire to worry about, just some broken glass, so I figured, ah, not ideal, but no big deal. What I did not notice is that when I kicked over the candles, my left shoe and pant leg had become covered in candle wax. It was not unnoticeable. So, I left the wedding planner to get the mic set up while I ran to the bathroom to start scraping wax off of my pant leg and shoe with wet paper towels. It wasn't the smoothest operation, but I got most of it off before the wedding planner came in and told me that they were just waiting on me to start the ceremony.

So I walked that aisle as I styled and profiled, but something was amiss. When I walked up the aisle, I noticed that the microphone was about 10 feet behind where the couple was standing. They brought a corded microphone that would not come close to actually reaching where I needed to stand. I confirmed that this was as far as the cord stretched and decided I would utilize my booming voice instead of relying on a microphone. I just wish I would have known that before I spilled wax all over myself in efforts for a microphone that was useless.

But then I delivered the words that were provided, put a little bit of extra personality on it, and joined people in the holiest of matrimonies, even if I knew God wanted to strike me down for it. But I persevered, and although God tried to burn me, I knew that I could overcome anything due to that old saying, "Wax on, wax off."

The Evolution of Facebook Spam Accounts

Facebook is full of spam accounts. There are very few things I enjoy more than awkward attempts at looking and sounding like a real human being. Still, I mostly just ignore these random friend requests, but then I started to notice something that caught my eye.

At first, all of these Facebook spam accounts were scantily clad ladies that just really wanted to get to know me better. It was nice, but a little creepy, as there's some Pakistani dude, wait, is that racist? That might be racist. Um, I guess let's just make it some weirdo from Florida. Anyway, I had gotten used to ignoring ladies with big boobs trying to seduce me over the internet, but then the Facebook Spammers stepped up their game. Instead of a single lady, they have now started showing me hypothetical married chicks.

Now, I appreciate the change of pace, but how sad do these spammers think my life is? Like, my thought process would have to be:

Ooh, a friend request. It's from a lady. I don't know her, but she's married. I'm also married. Maybe we could chat about marriage stuff, you know, married people are real hard to find, so it's sure nice that a random one decided I would make a good friend. I think she would make a good friend too.

I mean shit, man. Maybe life isn't as wild as it used to be, but I'm still a dude. I mean, I don't want to be friends with random single ladies, but I also seriously don't want to be friends with married chicks. Like, at least single ladies still have wild stories. Being friends with a married lady would literally just be us sharing pictures of our respective dogs.

Actually, that doesn't sound so bad. Maybe I'll accept that friend request. I'm sure you're a real lady, Marriedbroad McGee.

Why I No Longer Care What I Look Like In Pictures

I am a person that is somewhat (totally) consumed by my own vanity. I am well aware of this, as it has been this way for quite a while. I like looking at me, and it's a big reason why I stay in shape, although in most public situations, I will cite the variety of health benefits associated with working out. In reality, it's all about looking good.

Despite this, I have stopped caring about what I look like in pictures. I am a very logical person, and logically, it made sense that I should want to look good in pictures as it presented myself in the most attractive way possible. I knew ladies were judging me by my Facebook pictures, because I know I was judging them on their Facebook pictures (It's easier if I can assume everyone is as shallow as me).

But now I'm married. I no longer need to attract ladies. That is why I don't really care what I look like in pictures. My wife makes me take pictures with her, and she gives me the courtesy of seeing if I like how I appear, but it really doesn't matter. If I look good, that's nice, but I honestly prefer looking poor in pictures. If my wife looks great, and I look like shit, people will just assume I have mad game, and that's way better than just being a normal, attractive dude with an attractive wife.

Now, that being said, my wife better look good, as she is a reflection of me. If she looks like shit, it makes me look like shit, so she needs to have her shit together. But honey, if you're reading this, you always look great, and I love you so much.

So I'm totally cool with pictures now. Got a zit? Who cares? One eye is halfway open and it looks like I'm having a stroke? I'm good. Wing sauce all over my face, because I'm a 30-year-old who eats like a baby? No problem. Outside of having love and affection from a person who genuinely cares for you, not caring what I look like in pictures may be my second favorite part of marriage.

How I Grew Up And Became a Progressive Thinking Dude

When it comes to life, I'm an idiot. I have made ridiculously bad and irresponsible decisions my entire life. The only thing I am pretty intelligent about is sports, and that, in itself, is stupid. I'm not making a living off my sports knowledge, and the amount of time I spend invested in sports is really ridiculous, because in the grand scheme, they are pointless. Still, I am aware that this aspect will probably never change no matter how much logic tells me it should.

What really got me thinking about what an idiot I am was my progression to be less of an idiot when it comes to women. If you had talked to me ten years ago, my thoughts on women were basically about the same as a Neanderthal. I quoted Andrew Dice Clay as if he made good points. Come to think of it, I wasn't much better five years ago. I started liking girls as human beings, but I still felt the Entourage bros had life figured out. But now, typing that sentence makes me sick to my stomach. That's what I call progress.

When I first graduated college, I had a job where I very much disliked my female boss. I was under the impression that women didn't make good bosses. Now I realize that this was stupid, as she was just a bad boss and could have easily been as bad had she been a male. I was a know-it-all shithead, so part of the blame goes on me.

Then I started working with some very impressive ladies, and I realized I do not care whether I work with women or men. With guys, I can talk about sports, or things get really awkward. With women, I can talk about The Bachelor, but even if they don't watch that, they tend to laugh at my jokes more. Maybe it's because I am good looking. That's sexist, but it's either that or I am actually funny, which makes me arrogant, so pick your poison.

Anyway, I got married in September, and now I am a huge fan of women's rights. My wife has succeeded in a male-dominated industry, and that's awesome. She's super cool, and I like love her and shit. But none of this is a big deal, because I would hope that most people share my opinion that women should be treated equally in the work place.

Lately, people have pointed out how comfortable I am with non-traditional things. I let my wife go out on dates with other guys. When it is printed like that, it sounds pretty bad, but she has worked in a male-dominated industry for ten years, so she has a lot of friends that are guys. I understand that people think it's weird, but logically, it just makes sense to me. She gets a free meal, which saves money, and I get some alone time with the dog, so win-win. I think the biggest thing that people would worry about is her cheating on me, but this isn't a concern of mine. First off, I trust my wife. Second, I am way too lazy to keep track of her at all times, so if she wants to cheat, she can find a way to do so without me knowing. I am not an observant person, so she could probably get away with it forever.

The other thing that has come up recently is her changing her last name. When we first got engaged, she joked about keeping her last name, and I was adamant that she was going to have my last name. This was only about a year ago, but I have done a 180 on this issue. It's a really silly thing for the woman to take a wife's name, as it basically seems to be done to show ownership, but it's also a tradition which is why I thought it mattered. I definitely don't own my woman, and I also don't think her last name has any effect on the strength of our relationship so it stopped mattering to me. Also, it seems like a real hassle for ladies to change their names on everything. With that being said, she chose to take my last name, but it was after I failed at convincing her that it was a waste of time. She wanted that tradition, which is also totally cool by me.

All of these events helped me realize that I am becoming a progressive dude. It is partially because I don't care about things that don't matter or that I can't control, but at least it gets me to the proper mindset. I understand that I am still not the most progressive thinker in the world, and in ten years, I will probably realize how stupid I was about a variety of other issues, but at least I'm taking positive steps. Going from an ignorant piece of shit to a human being is pretty cool.

I Am The Life Of The Party At Weddings...Don't Be Like Me

Well, my friends really fucked me over on this one. At my wedding, everybody was on the dance floor. Not only were pro wrestling moves happening. There was not a man, woman, or child that they were not willing to dance with in some ridiculous manner. I went along with the whole thing, because as a West Coast Dancer, I know how to get down and boogie. Honestly, it was a blast and definitely the weirdest wedding dance floor that I have ever seen.

But now every time I go to a wedding with my wife's family and friends in attendance, they are not looking forward to seeing me for riveting conversation, they are looking forward to my breathtaking dance moves.

We went to a wedding a couple weekends ago. Right after the wedding, before the bride had even exited into the limo, her mother came up to me to let me know that she was looking forward to seeing me out on the dance floor. Was I flattered? Of course, but it put a lot of pressure on me when I should just be a random guest at the wedding.

Did I deliver? Well, yes, I wowed the crowd. I went to some of my patented moves, like the duck walk grind, which is just like it sounds, incredibly tiring, but always gets the crowd excited. I also brought out an invisible basketball, had it transformed into a soccer ball and didn't miss a beat. I danced with every lady in the building including when I brought out the bride in the middle of a dance circle and twerked on her. People were awed, and a great time was had by all.

So what's the problem?

The problem is that I have only heightened expectations for the next wedding. I'll have to come up with even fresher moves and deliver another high energy performance. Sure, next time I'll still be fine. Even the time after, I should be good. But what about 6, 7, 8 weddings down the road? How am I supposed to keep this up? I hate to admit it, but I'm not getting any younger. A few years down the road, I'm going to have to come to the realization that I'm not as good as I once was, but can I continue to be as good once as I ever was? I'd like to think so, but there are no guarantees. There is the very real possibility that this all comes crashing down when I try to push through the flu to dance my ass off, and instead I am left leaving a $50 plate of food on the dance floor. The scariest part is I'm not sure which hole it is going to exit out of.

It is not worth it being the center of attention, because the pressure and expectations are only going to increase as time goes on. I'm going to have a hip replacement and still be gettin' jiggy in the middle of dance floors despite extreme pain in every part of my body.

So, please, take my advice. Play it safe at weddings. Pick your spots. Find one song to break out a patented move and nail it. People will remember you as making an impact, and you won't have to be out there all night to do it. I wish I could follow my own advice, but me? I'm stuck. All I can ask is the next time you see a guy dancing his ass off all night long at a wedding and making sure everybody is having a blast, take him aside and thank him for his service. I know I'd appreciate it.

Looking For Jobs on Craigslist

As I stated earlier this week, I moved from Iowa to Florida recently, and I am still looking for employment. Now, being unemployed and single is great, but being unemployed and married loses its luster pretty quickly. The whole "caring about someone and wanting to be somewhat useful in the relationship" makes the lack of a job a lot less hilarious. 

I have been searching all over for a job and still haven't nailed anything down. I decided to expand my search and go down a road that I was simply not ready for. Yes, I decided that the normal job sites were not fulfilling my needs, so it was time to search for jobs on Craigslist. I'm so glad I did. I found some great opportunities.

 Male Models needed for TOMORROW! (Miami)

Searching for male underwear models for an event TOMORROW. Model will wear underwear and a bowtie for the event passing out orderves to guests and taking photos. Event is from 7pm-9:30pm. Please submit CURRENT photos in the email with full name and clothing measurements including height, Client needs photos. MUST BE MUSCULAR!!

This one was eerie, as it was like they specifically wrote this job listing for me. I'm motivated to work soon, and this job is tomorrow (today, by the time this posts). Plus, I am always looking for new challenges. This job offers me a couple as I rarely wear underwear and never wear a bow tie. Finally, the last line, "MUST BE MUSCULAR." Yeah, that definitely won't be an issue. 

Only issue: They spelled hors d'oeuvres as orderves. If only you had spell check, you could have had your new employee of the month. 

Attractive Males needed for upcoming ADULT FILMS!

Recruiting GUYS for an Adult Website!

We only want to work with the best and our starting pay for male models is $2,000.00 for a solo production.

If you think you have what it takes, send your pictures (face and body, either shirtless and/or nude please), include a contact number and I will get back to you to discuss further details.

Models should:
-Have NO previous experience in the adult industry!
-Have six-pack abs
-Ages 18-35ish
-Have an athletic/muscular body
-Be very handsome
Before you email please make sure you read the list of requirements above. Yes six packs are required, yes you must show face. We do use stage names for all of our models. No resumes please. 

Ah, an attractive male is needed for an adult film. Getting two grand for a solo project doesn't sound too bad to me. This is another job that I am almost overqualified for. No experience in the adult industry, check. Six pack abs, I just hope I can fatten up so only six of my abs are showing. Athletic/muscular body, we went over that in the last post. And again, being very handsome may be difficult, as I'm usually referred to as extremely handsome. 

Now I'm guessing that most people believe the issue is that I must "show face," but I'd be happy to have my face on a film starring me. My only problem is that they use stage names for all of their models. Sorry, but I've got to keep my Hott Joe brand strong. A stage name simply won't due.

I kind of wanted to take this job just so I could finish up and say, "Two grand for this? You should see me at home; I do it for free." I bet everyone would have laughed really hard, and I probably would have started up a huge career as a comedy porn star.

Looking for straight males for video (North Dade)

I'm looking for open minded straight males who are in shape and under 30 years for a gay production, only serious replies please, if interested send stats and pictures to be contacted with more details

Uh, straight males for a gay production? You're not exactly making an appealing offer. I mean, you probably shouldn't discriminate against homosexuals if you want us all to have a gay old time. I mean. have you seen homosexuals? They're like the happiest people ever. Good luck, I guess.

And finally, the last job, which isn't a job at all, but may be the best thing ever.

 ARE YOU FIGHTING W/ YOUR SIBLING or PARENT? WANT "THE ROCK" TO HELP? (S. Florida )

Now Casting New Show w/ "The Rock".

Seeking family members who are in a big fight or misunderstanding and can't seem to reconcile on their own... we are here to lend a helping hand!!!!

Call 310-360-2580

OR submit your story here w/ photos and a contact phone number.

Must live in S. Florida

OH MY GOD! When I saw this, my initial thought was to immediately called my wife a bitch to try to start a fight (I decided against it). I know they are looking for problems with siblings or parents, but I'm willing to take a chance for a special episode and have The Rock save my marriage. Now, it may be insane that I would jeopardize my marriage to hang out with The Rock, which is exactly the reason I need to be on this show. I prioritize The Rock over my own wife. Please help me, The Rock. 

So, yeah, overall, it was a pretty successful day of job hunting. 

Goodbye, Quad Cities

Goodbye, Quad Cities.

That is a something that I have wanted to say for as long as I can remember. I grew up in the Quad Cities, on the eastern border of Iowa, and despite my family being from there and most remaining there, I can never remember a time where I thought I would grow old there. I hated the area, and I was going to do my best to leave.

Since I didn't want a massive debt, I stayed in state for college and went to the University of Iowa. It was less than an hour from my hometown, but it felt like a world away. It had a thriving nightlife with college girls, tailgating, alcohol, and college girls. For an 18-22 year old, good looking college women could make Siberia seem like Paradise. It was not too bad.

When I graduated, I was wiling to move anywhere for my first job. I really lucked out as I got a job in Seattle, one of the best places on the planet. If I were a single guy and found any job in that area, I would move out there in a heartbeat. In fact, if you are young and single, do that. Move to Seattle. The rain is way overblown and the summers are perfect. 

So why did I leave? Well, the main reason is that my bosses hated me. That meant I had no chance of being promoted, and even if I were promoted, the long-term job prospects of the Seattle SuperSonics were not the best (Spoiler alert: They moved to Oklahoma City). Because of that, I had to look around for jobs. Luckily, the guy who originally hired me for the Sonics really liked me and he took a job with a different sports team. Unluckily, he happened to move from Seattle to the minor league baseball team in my hometown. Back to the Quad Cities, it was. I was happy to have a good job, but it was bittersweet for the area I was moving back to. 

This next go-around wasn't so bad. The most positive thing was that I worked so much that I barely had any free time. Because of that, where I lived really didn't matter. When I did have free time in the fall, I could go to Iowa football games to tailgate, but still, I knew that the area was not made for me.

After two years, I quit my job and decided to move to Albuquerque. This was my "Be young and stupid" phase of life. Surprisingly, my young and stupid phase did not involve drugs or alcohol. But I moved to Albuquerque, tried to write a screenplay (I finished it; it has potential, but needs a major overhaul, something I have not done three years later) and trained in mixed martial arts. It was a great experience overall, but I knew I was never going to be a fighter (I'm a pussy), so it had no long-term potential. I got my ass kicked for the better part of a year before moving back to Iowa, but this time, it was at least West Des Moines.

West Des Moines was good; I lived with my brother, and since we are practically the same person, we got along really well. But there was a girl that I had been on and off with, but we were going to try to be on again, and she convinced me to move back to the Quad Cities for the sake of love. I packed up and headed back.

She dumped me two weeks later. 

So I was back in the place I wanted to be the least, with no job, no lady friend, and living with my parents (pretty cool roommates, but not exactly an ideal situation for a single guy). The best job offer I had was a part-time tennis instructor for children. The job was great, the money was not, and I was still in limbo with life, just hanging out in the QCA, not really doing much of anything. 

Don't get me wrong. When things lined up nicely, and a big group of people came out or something special was going on, I had some fun times. But for the most part? Going out in the Quad Cities is awful. There wasn't a single place that delivered more fun times than times where I was staring at my phone hoping for the night to end. It was miserable.

But this story does have a happy ending. I got a job and got promoted twice in a year. That on-again, off-again lady friend became on again. I proposed, and we got married in September. 

Since we both hate the cold weather, we quit our jobs and moved to Florida last week. I have finally left the Quad Cities, and this time, it's permanent. Hooray, me. I finally did it.

And yet, as much as I hate living in the Quad Cities. This moment is still bittersweet. It's 80 degrees down here and has snowed and been in the teens up there, so the weather is really, really sweet. But it's still tough.

Although a lot of friends have moved around the country, there are still some awesome people in the Quad Cities that I am going to miss. Those people don't hate the Quad Cities. They go out and have a blast, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just like I am doing what makes me happy by moving away, they are doing what makes them happy and staying in a place that they thoroughly enjoy with people they love to spend time with. I will always look forward to going back and hanging out with those people, and I hope they're smart enough to come visit me during the winter.

As much as I love my friends, there are two people I am going to miss even more, and those are my parents. My parents are the nicest people ever, and none of my bad traits should be attributed to them. They have gone above and beyond in helping me out in every way imaginable, and I am going to miss them only being a 15 minute drive away. I would not be where I am today without their love and support, and for that I am forever grateful.

The one thing that makes this easy is the number one person in my life. My wife is an amazing person, and I am incredibly lucky that she settled for me. We're going at life together, and although there is still a lot of uncertainty in our immediate future (we should probably try to get jobs soon), there is nobody I would rather face this uncertainty with than her. 

In my hometown, there is a saying that runs on the local news where people get on TV and say, "Hello, Quad Cities." Today, I say, "Goodbye, Quad Cities." Although this is definitely a happy moment, I am going to miss my family and friends. But with my wife by my side, it's hard to not be excited about the future, and I'm really happy with where things are going.

Oh, and the weather is going to be pretty sweet too.

A Guide For Grooms: Wedding Planning

Throughout this entire wedding process, I have told anyone who would listen that, “I have been dreaming of this day since I was a wee little boy.” I will also randomly warn people that they better not ruin my special day. Sometimes people take me seriously, and that is awesome. In all reality, I only care about the following three things:

1. My bride.
2. My friends having a good time.
3. Food.

I know I should include family on there somewhere, but the place could burn down in the middle of the reception, and my Mom would still say it was one of the best parties she’s ever been to. She’s an incredibly positive person. Everybody else will fall in line.

Now you are going to have to put in some work on this thing, but there are ways to survive this process with minimal effort. Take easy jobs or things that you are interested in. Since I care about food, I told my lady that I would make the decision on that. I just made my decisions clear at the tasting, and boom, I figured out food, which is incredibly easy but still a really big part of the day.

Next, I care about my friends, so I made the decision on what we would wear. We got suits instead of tuxes, because they were just as cheap as a tux, and now they have a gray suit. My friends are happy with this arrangement, so that means we are good to go.

Other things that I helped on were transportation, music, and the honeymoon. Transportation and music, easy as shit. I highly recommend taking over those things, because you can knock them out in no time. On the honeymoon, don’t make the same mistake I did. We are traveling to five (six, if you count a 14 hour layover in Turkey) countries in Europe. That means a ton of travel, and a ton of different hotels. It was a lot of work, and that was a bad idea on my part. If you want to do something complicated, come up with the outline, and then help her plan it. What is probably easier is keep control of the honeymoon and just go one place. Finding one place to fly to and stay is a piece of cake, so do that instead.

After that, every decision is basically hers to make. The only problem with this is that she is still going to want your opinion. The key is to give her the right opinion.

One thing that has helped me is listening to my lady’s tone of voice to decide how I should respond to her. “What do you think of this?” seems like just one question, but she can ask it in a variety of ways, and I am forced to interpret what type of response she wants. In all reality, all she wants is for me to agree with her. It's almost always positive, so just responding with, "Looks great." is pretty safe. If she tricks you into liking something bad, just go, "Aww, geez, honey, you know me, I'm just a sloppy fella who don't know nothing about your high society ways." She'll call you an idiot, and you can move on.

What about when she gives you multiple options? This is one that I really pride myself on, because she wants an opinion. You can’t just say I don’t know and move on. You also can’t just say that they all look great. The reason she is asking is because she likes all of them. She has a favorite, but she is just using you to confirm her thoughts. So here’s what I do: I hem and haw as I look through the options, occasionally asking to see things multiple times. Finally, I pick out what I like with the caveat, “but I don’t have strong feelings one way or another; I think they all look great.” That way, I gave my opinion, but she can still feel good about ignoring it to do what she wants. Since I really don’t give a shit about any of it, this arrangement works perfect for both of us.

That’s really all there is to it. Take the easy stuff, and never offer a strong opinion on anything else. She'll be happy that you're involved, and since you're barely doing anything, you'll still have plenty of time to watch sports. Win-win.

A Guide For Grooms: Am I Making The Right Decision?

What I have learned through my 29 years on this Earth is that although people seem to know what they're doing, nobody has any clue what they are doing. It's all just an act. Nobody is that composed, everyone is insecure, and you'll figure it out as you go. I am getting married in a little over a week. Nine more days before a lady is dumb enough to take my last name. Still, there is one question that keeps popping up into my head:

"Am I making the right decision?"

The good news is that I know that I am. Do I still sometimes romanticize my single days when I was able to go out and get drunk and see where the night might take me? Of course I do. At my bachelor party, I saw my single friends be completely uninhibited, and it looked pretty awesome. But then I think about the other nights of being single. The nights where I would be out, and trying and failing until I just wanted to drink and not get shot down anymore. This doesn't even mention the nights where I wasn't out, and I was playing PS2 just to pass the time and get to the next day. So, yeah, the highs were high, but the lows were just awful.

With my fiancee, I no longer worry about those. There are still highs and lows. And the good news is that the highs maintain longer, because it's out of genuine care for another person instead of a feeling in my penis. And there are still lows, but the lows are because I care, and really, sometimes she can be super irritating. She pisses me off, but the only reason I'm pissed is because I love her.

Also, the key is that the good far outweighs the bad. We rarely fight, I would guess around a half dozen times a year, and when we do, it usually only lasts about an hour until we come to the compromise that both of us (or just me) are idiots. Now that doesn't mean she's perfect. I get irritated with her every day (Why can't she wash the peanut butter off the knife when she's done using it? The dishwasher will not get that off). But we also make each other laugh every day, and it is almost always with the dumbest shit imaginable. If we try to tell people what was so funny, we are always met with the same confused look and response of, "I don't get it."

And that's fine. I don't need people to get us, as long as we get each other. Am I 100% positive that we are going to get married and live happily ever after? No, but just because it's not 100%, that doesn't mean it's not worth going for it. The thing that I feel best about is that things have improved as time has gone on. We started off as friends, dabbled in relationships, then gave real shots to relationships, and the timing just wasn't right. We both matured (me more than her) and realized that we're way happier together than we are when we're apart. That's all I really know. We both make each other happy. And for this sort of commitment, that is the best guarantee that I could hope for.

So, am I going to get married and live happily ever after? I don't know. I'm confident, but everybody is confident when they get married, and half of those people are wrong. The key is that I don't expect marriage to fix things in our relationship. I'm happy with where things are right now; this is just making it official. I'm not 100% positive things will work out, but that's part of what makes it special. It's going to take work, but there's no one I would rather work with than my bride-to-be. Maybe I'm not positive, but you don't have to be sure to still know you're making the right decision.

Al Davis Was More Inspirational Than Steve Jobs

I learned something very interesting this past week. It seems like half the people I know had some sort of personal relationship with Steve Jobs. This was amazing, because I wouldn't think that a billionaire would have that many friends in common with me, but apparently I was wrong. All over Twitter, Facebook, and even Black Planet, people mourned the loss of Steve Jobs. I, unlike most of the people I know, did not have a personal relationship with Steve Jobs. I'm pretty sure that he started Apple, but I have never felt the urge to thank him for that. I thanked him with my money when I bought my one Apple product, an iPod Nano. I am happy with this purchase as we have spent nearly two years ago, and it works almost all the time despite me repeatedly dropping it over these past two years. It's obviously bad that he died, and especially since he died at a younger age than the average American, but outside of the two minutes I have spent writing this paragraph, it has had no real effect on my life.

On the other hand, I was saddened to see a true legend die when Oakland Raiders Owner, Al Davis, passed away. I had no personal relationship with Al Davis, but this man should be an inspiration to everyone. Was Al Davis a good person? Honestly, no, and I don't think that Al Davis would ever consider himself a "good" person, but that doesn't mean he wasn't an amazing person.

Al Davis was a snake, and he'd be the first person to tell you that. He would do anything to win, and that is why he was so successful. This weekend, people were listing his accomplishments of being a coach, commissioner, owner, and a whole lot of other things, but I don't think most people took the time to realize what that actually meant. Al Davis was not a self-made man, he was a self-made icon, and there is zero chance of anybody pulling off what he was able to do in professional football.

He started off in coaching, and quickly worked his way up to head coach of the Raiders. Then he became a general manager, and he became so successful that he worked his way into having an ownership stake in the team. He then tricked one of the other owners into giving him the option to buy them out behind the other owner's back, and eventually strong-armed his way into the controlling owner of the team. The other owner tried to sue him, but it was too late, Al Davis was too smart and diabolical to be stopped from owning the Raiders.

I'm obviously giving a very brief description of what happened, but the above paragraph is absolutely baffling to me. Bill Belichick is probably the most powerful coach in the NFL today, and in your wildest imagination, could you imagine him taking the ownership away from Robert Kraft? There is no god damn way that could EVER happen. But Al Davis seriously pulled that off.

I would have loved to have been friends with Al Davis, but I would have shit my pants had I been his enemy. Al Davis was seen as a punchline late in his life as his personnel moves had not been working like they had been in the past, but he created successful teams in the 70s, 80s, 90s, and early 00s. And it's a shame he passed away when he did, because it looks like the Raiders are back on the road to respectability again.

Steve Jobs passing was seen as a much bigger deal, and that's not surprising at all. Apple is a far bigger brand than the Oakland Raiders, and Steve Jobs had far more money than Al Davis. Steve Jobs went into computers and rose to the top, but Al Davis chose the football business while also reaching the top. But know one thing, had Al Davis chosen the computer business, you would still know the name Al Davis, but you would have no clue who Steve Jobs was. Al Davis was committed to excellence, and he lived his life with one simple motto, "Just win, baby."

Now that's an inspiration.

-Joe

P.S. Mexico may be ahead of the US in progressive ideas towards marriage. A two-year marriage license, cut it down to two months, and I might lose my fear of commitment.

Jose Canseco Does Not Learn From His Mistakes

I think through reading and writing about Jose Canseco, it is safe to say he is a simple person. I don't mean that in a demeaning way, but only as an illustrative point that he believes in the basic needs of life and his ultimate goal is to recapture the American dream that he once lived. Recently, he has felt betrayed by his loved ones, and I wanted to help, not only him, but the entire world learn from his mistakes.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
I made a total fool of my self for someone who never even cared about me .what an idiot I am

Well, I could have told you that putting Ozzie on the roster was a bad idea, but I don't think anyone thinks you're a fool for it. Also, had you not stopped him, I bet he would have posed as you in that boxing match, so I think you're overreacting when saying he doesn't care about you.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
I actually thought I was going to marry leila .what an idiot I am

Oh. That's the person you were referring to when you were talking about you looking like a fool. Um, Ozzie, I guess I owe you an apology. Just ignore everything I wrote at first. You're a very great independent league baseball player, and don't let anyone tell you differently. 

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
I am looking for a wife anyone interested

This is not a well thought out plan. Jose Canseco is much more famous than me, but if I did this, I would have women lining up to marry me on the spot. And it's not just because I'm incredibly good looking. It's because if there's one thing I know about females, it's this: Bitches are crazy. Everybody thinks that women are interested in two things, marriage and babies. This is actually a misconception. Ladies love one thing, stuff. They just love to get stuff. When people get married, they get a bunch of stuff, when they pump out a little one, they get more stuff. This is all that ladies care about, so Jose, you've opened up a can of worms, I just hope you can shut it before it's too late.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
Love makes fools out of all of us especially me

Hey, it happens to the best of us. At least you have learned a valuable lesson. 

Wait a minute, what's that? No. It can't be. I know he learned something. This must be a mistake.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
Hi lady gaga guess who http://lockerz.com/s/110858376

God damnit.

-Joe

P.S. For lessons on how to tweet hard enough to give a dolphin a boner (more on that next week), learn from The Ultimate Warrior.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Warrior God for ULTIMATE time. Demand is HIGH. Escort limited to pro-wrestlers wives. Reserve right to refuse service. No, HH. Linda, no.

Say what you want about The Ultimate Warrior, but a disparaging personal ad in 140 characters is pretty damn impressive. Bravo, Jim Warrior, bra-fucking-vo.

Things I Wish I Could Gamble On: Part 1 - Divorce

Let's face it, gambling is fun. Winning money is awesome and losing money really sucks, but it's a shame on how very few things we can gamble on. Yes, we can go to the casino, try our luck at Blackjack, Roulette, or Craps, but calling any of those things great skill is a gross overstatement. Sure, you can use some skills, but it's also a lot of luck.

The other thing that people bet on is sports. Nearly everyone gets involved in some sort of NCAA Basketball pool. Unfortunately, it's only legal in Las Vegas and Delaware. Obviously, people have turned to off-shore betting sites so they can bet online on various sporting events. It basically makes watching the games a ton more fun. Imagine watching Cleveland @ Tampa Bay this weekend, not too exciting, but imagine you having Cleveland +3 for $20. It becomes a shit-ton more exciting, and it will make you do things you never thought you'd do, like cheer for Jake Delhomme.

Still, that isn't nearly enough for people to gamble on. Think about all the things that happen in your everyday life. There are so many things that I wish I was able to gamble on. Some select college students are allowed to bet on their grades. That's fantastic, but I feel like we could really take this to the next level. Here are things I wish I could gamble on.

1. Divorce - This may seem cruel, but we all do it. Whenever I go to a wedding, I assess their chance of success. Although I usually get too drunk to do any real in-depth analysis, I still take a few mental notes on the newly married couple. I also look on our Facebook news feed and notice that so and so got married. I immediately wonder what type of pud/hog that one of my Facebook friends got married to. I quickly look it up, and I assess how long I think they will be married. On the positive side, I sometimes think that it looks like those two will probably have a successful marriage. Other times (quite often), I predict their love to fail. Now, let me say, I'm not hoping that their love fails; but in my head, I'm predicting an awful divorce. It really never goes beyond my thoughts, but imagine if I could gamble on it? Hell yes. Get some buddies involved, have people put money on both sides of the docket and let the fun begin. I think an over/under would be the best and most simple way to make the bets, but you could turn it into a pool form where everybody picks a date for divorce as well.

Not only that, but it would test people's morality. If I'm putting $20 down, with a possibility to win $100, I'm probably not going to sabotage a marriage just to win that money. But if we're putting down $100, and I could win $1000, my morality will be on a case by case basis. If I don't like the groom or bride of a certain wedding, I might secretly type up a letter (ala J-Woww and Snooki) and make sure the person finds out about their spouse's terrible deeds. The question then would become, would I do it because that person is bad and I can win money off of it, or would me winning money off of it make me see that person as bad?

I could also sabotage in an even more fun manner. Face it, girlfriends, fiancees, and wives make guys a lot less fun. They start to mature, and they are perfectly happy hanging out with their lady. I understand where they are coming from, but I do not approve of it any way, shape, or form. Imagine what an epic night you could have if you get your friend away from the ball and chain and everybody gets shit-faced. You then give him a ride home and let him pass out next to his wife...NOT. You hire a prostitute. You have her pose as just another barfly looking for a good time. She seduces him, and bam, you're $1000 richer because of the divorce, and your buddy is going to want to go on the prowl nonstop once he gets divorced to show that broad what she's missing. This is a little thing that I like to call a win-win. I might even call it a win-win-win since your buddy is free again. Sure he goes to a therapist and has already developed a serious drinking problem, but those are minor prices to pay for sexual freedom.

There is nothing that will make me think this is a bad idea.

-Joe

P.S. If you are married and reading this, I totally think your marriage is going to last. People who have good taste in their reading always have good taste in their spouses. I just feel sorry for those suckers not reading this, their marriage has no shot.

P.P.S. I finally found out what hip hop is. It just took a true gangstette to help me understand: Thanks white lady.