My Mid-Life Crisis

Mid-life crises are always something that made me laugh. Like, what, one day, you realized you were old and needed to get yourself a shitty convertible? That's super sad and unnecessary, especially since convertibles are highly overrated. I was pretty positive that I'd never need to worry about a mid-life crisis of my own, because I don't really care about stuff so there's no big spending spree that I am going to go on. Unfortunately, this past week, I realized that, at the tender age of 32, I might be in the midst of my own mid-life crisis.

Although my crisis does not involve any extravagant purchase. It does involve a couple small purchases, and those couple purchases could turn to a few, could turn to many, could turn to a ridiculous amount of purchases. 

My mid-life crisis is short shorts.

It started a few years ago when I got rid of my basketball shorts and went to shorts at the knee instead of below the knee. Then the shorts went above the knee. Recently, I started folding the waistband over so the shorts raised up just a bit higher on my leg as I found it more comfortable to run since things didn't bounce around in my pockets as much. It was all logical so I didn't see a problem.

It got bad when I found this pair of Puma shorts. This pair was real short, basically the length of boxers. In fact, I wasn't totally sure whether they were boxers or shorts. Like, they seemed like shorts, because they had pockets and a drawstring, but they also had a button for pee hole, and I have never had that on any of my shorts before. Still, they were short shorts, and they had pockets, so I proudly wore them around despite the fact that it made my family uncomfortable. I thought that I wasn't the problem, and they were just jealous that I had such a great pair of legs.

Things only got worse from there. I used to make fun of people who wore those uncomfortably short running shorts. The reason being that if your legs are so weak that they can't fight through a bit of extra fabric, then you've got bigger issues than trying to beat your best mile time. Those guys were the biggest tools on the planet. This past weekend, I found a pair of super short running shorts. These shorts are shorter than any pair of shorts that my wife owns. I knew it was a bad idea, but I also knew that I would love them. So I made the purchase.

The next day I decided to give them a try. Since I have a small waist, I go with a size small shorts to ensure they hug my lower body in all the right places. That next morning they almost seemed shorter than before.  But I was all in, and nothing was going to make me turn back. I ripped off the tags and noticed something that almost made me turn back. Right on the original tag, there it was, "Ladies." My heart sank. Was I really going to wear lady shorts to go running? not only that, but ladies size small shorts. I hemmed, I hawed, and then I said fuck it, let's do this shit. 

I went running in tiny lady shorts, and it was GLORIOUS. I felt lighter on my feet, and I loved looking down to see my gorgeous legs almost fully exposed with each passing step. It had a nice little zip up pocket in the back where I was able to put my key and iPod. Overall, it was just an incredible experience, and I look forward to more adventures in my teeny, tiny shorts. I know it's weird; I know it will make others uncomfortable, but I can't help the way I feel. I love short shorts.

So, ladies, watch out. Not only will you see me flashing some major leg, but if you've got your eyes on the last pair of hot pink shorts at the store, you better be quick, because this mid-life crisis shows no signs of slowing down.

All of My Thoughts on Fashion

I am a simple man, a minimalist, some might say. I do not consider myself fashion forward, but over the years, I have gone from embarrassing slob to publicly acceptable when I need to be, and that's quite an accomplishment. Because of this, I have lots of thoughts on fashion, whether it be for relaxing or maxing out your potential to pick up chicks, I feel I know enough to make recommendations while staying cheap as fuck.

Relaxing
Relaxing is an essential part of life. When people tell me they are just a "jeans and t-shirt sort of guy/girl," my immediate thought is, "Why so fancy?" The first thing you need to know is jeans suck for relaxing. Denim is a heavy material that isn't all that comfortable. I would rather relax in a pair of slacks than wear jeans. They suck, and you should really limit your use of them.

If you really want to relax. Hey, that t-shirt half of "jeans and a t-shirt" is a great start, but it isn't essential. The great thing about relaxing is being free of the burdensome feeling in our daily lives. Feel free to go shirtless, and yes, this does go for guys and gals. Let those puppies roam free, ladies. After that, it's all about the gym shorts. I love a good pair of gym shorts, but I am also particular about my gym shorts. I'm not any sort of baller, so I like my shorts short, nothing excessive, but they should be above the knee, anywhere from 2-6 inches probably. Also, as I was complaining about the heaviness of denim, the material for my gym shorts must be light. The shorts should caress your thighs like a warm breeze. Trust me on this.

As for footwear, you should know how to do this by now? Minimalist means no socks, ever. If I'm not dressing up, there is literally no reason to wear socks. Oh, your shoes will smell? Dr. Scholl will take care of that. You'll get blisters? Toughen up them tootsies, and then you'll be in the clear after a couple days. Socks are constrictive, and your feet need to breathe. Socks are worthless.

You know what I didn't mention? Underwear. That's because you don't need it. Be like Arnold and go Commando. You will not regret it.

Maxing
When you're dressing to the max, whether to impress in business or for a desired mate, color is your friend. People, especially white people, like to wear the blandest colors imaginable, so stand out and wear an orange, green, or pink to stand out from the crowd. You don't even need a fancy design, but just adding some color will make you look like a fly guy.

Although it is not recommended when relaxing, when maxing, underwear is important. Don't wear no boring ass tighty whities. Get yourself some comfortable and stylish underwear, because it is guaranteed to make you walk around with more swagger, and it's a nice surprise for a potential mate if you manage to convince someone to partake in some hibbity dibbity.

Finally, socks. I used to just wear plain socks and go about my day. This was a poor decision on my part. My buddy Chris tipped me off to the impact of socks, and getting socks that stand out is a great way to make people like you immediately for no real reason. It shows that you are bold, confident, and a little fun-loving, just by wearing socks that have a bit of flare to them. This is an inexpensive way to make an impact, and guys and gals around the world will be impressed with your fashion forward ways.

Oh, and one more thing: If you have to wear a tie of some sort, don't make it a bowtie. Those things are past their prime. Bolos are still hilarious, but I would recommend the ascot, as it is the most pretentious piece of neckwear.

And there you have it. You now know everything from relaxing to maxing about men's fashion. You are now the quintessential male of comfort and style. Congratulations.

I Feel Like an Old Asshole When I Shop

I am not a big fan of shopping. Old clothes are plenty fine with me. I never buy t-shirts, as I depend on getting them free or as a gift from large purchases on Bodybuilding.com. Up until this past weekend, I haven't bought a new pair of jeans since college. That was a decade ago. I have made my life as free of shopping as possible.

Still, there are certain things that I do need to get. At the top of that list is gym shorts. You can't have too many gym shorts, as one pair in every color seems like a worthwhile goal. And I ain't talking about no 8-Crayon pack of colors, I want to go at least 96. I am nowhere near this goal, but I am always on the lookout to add to my collection.

The only other thing I try to purchase are dress clothes. Looking fresh is simply what I do, but obviously, dress clothes are not nearly as important as gym shorts, so I have far less options.

At the mall, I can literally go to JC Penney and nothing else. I mean, am I really going to purchase anything at Hot Topic? No, and just stepping in the store would make me feel like a gigantic asshole. And stores like Abercrombie, Aeropostale, and American Eagle, I'm 90% positive that I am too old to be stepping in those stores and buying clothes among the teeny boppers that hang out there. Where do people like me shop? Outside of JC Penney, I'm not sure. Like, do I go into Eddie Bauer and get myself some khakis? That sounds a helluva lot more reasonable than getting me a skin-tight polo with a goddamned moose on it, yet I see people my age doing the latter far more than the former.

Since I am a cheap bastard (not literally), and a regular mall is not built for a man like me, I went to the next best thing, an outlet mall. Although I was able to get some gym and board shorts, I also had to waste a lot of time as my wife and I went together. She, like most ladies, is a much better shopper than her other half. This gave me a lot of time to waste, so I tried to go into stores that I thought cool people might purchase things at.

I went into an Oakley store, but I am far more likely to wear a pair of sunglasses that I randomly find than spending over $5 on a pair. Why do I need cool looking sunglasses? Yes, I live in a place where the sun shines year round, but who am I going to impress? It's not like my wife is going to be so turned on by my sunglasses game that she will find me irresistible. If she cared about things like that, we probably wouldn't be married.

I tried to go to stores like Guess and Tommy Hilfiger, figuring that is what adults wear. Well, I may be an adult, but even the outlet stores were laughably expensive for the crap they were selling. The worst was going in the Hanes store. I saw a cutout of Michael Jordan and figured I might be able to find some inexpensive boxer briefs. I walked in the store, and it was nothing but ladies' stuff. I looked around, saw no dude stuff in sight and slowly backed out of there, trying to get away before some lady yelled pervert at me.

Basically, I feel as if I am stuck in the middle. I'm too old for stores with college students, and I'm too young for Sears. It probably doesn't help that I don't like stuff, so I rarely have a reason to go to malls. But until I can get ideal gym shorts on Amazon, I am stuck venturing out and feeling like an asshole. I now know what Jesus felt like; this is my cross to bear.