Unfortunately, we have already come to the finale of my series on the XWF. To give you an idea of how ill-conceived the XWF was, Greg Valentine never showed up for DVD commentary, and not even Jimmy Hart showed up to talk for the intro to episode three. Like, they had to have done these all in one day, but according to Knobbs, Hart was out "scouting for talent" aka strip club. If you remember last week, you'll know that Episode 2 was legitimately entertaining. Episode 3 was most certainly not (much like Episode 1). If you want to put yourself through it, I have embedded it below.
And now the countdown of worst things about Episode 3 of the XWF.
12. The Best Match In XWF History
So it wasn't all bad. AJ Styles took on Kid Kash for the Cruiserweight Championship. Unless you're really into Johnny B. Badd and Norman Smiley gyrating their hips, this is the best match in XWF history. Kash and Styles wrestled a fast-paced match that was exciting from beginning to end. Of course, that wasn't that difficult, since the whole thing lasted about four minutes. But hey, that's understandable since they had to make time for Josh Matthews debut.
11. Rena Got Herself a Security Team
Rena, due to Roddy Piper repeatedly talking to her breasts, has decided to get herself a security team. This includes The Barbarian, which is awesome. It involves Tugboat, which is even more awesome. And it involves 4X4, which, yeah, that one kind of sucks, but two out of three ain't bad. Will these mysterious security men ever go on to wrestle? Eh, we'll never find out, because the XWF didn't last long enough.
10. I Would Do Anything For Love
Jimmy Hart's going to take you to Hail and back. At least that's what he said in an interview building up Hail. It's not necessarily good, but the more I sing it like Meat Loaf, the more I enjoy it.
9. The Mist Is Pissed
Vapor is so unimportant that they list Sonny Onoo with Vapor instead of the other way around.
This forces Jimmy Snuka Jr. to come out with Jimmy Snuka Sr. The ref does not do his job and both Sonny Onoo and The Murdering Snuka are in the ring. The match ends with Big Splashes from both Snukas. They both clear the low bar of doing a better job than Tamina.
8. Weird Sex Worker Wrestles For Money
Drezden takes on Marty Jannetty, but the more important thing that he wears leather pants with leather straps over his torso which makes him look like Smash without the face paint. It kind of makes sense, because Smash has a look that could never go out of style.
Well...maybe not never. But either way, you take away the face paint and it gets real sad real quick. If you want to not make it look like you work in a weird sex club, you really gotta wear the facepaint.
7. The Greatest Tag Team in XWF History
The Hulk Hogan Twins take on the South Philly Posse. HHT cement their status as the greatest tag team in XWF history with a win over the former Public Enemy. They win after the Nasty Boys come out to interfere against the twins but are stopped by the Road Warriors. Neither team in the match is really distracted by this, but it gives the Twins a reason to celebrate with The Road Warriors. This helped propel them to the WWE (three years later) as the long-remembered and longer-loved Gymini Twins.
6. Valentine's Day Blues
Greg Valentine pleads with Roddy Piper for a second straight week to give him a match. He still gets ignored. This may be one of the saddest things about the short-lived XWF. The Hammer owned the fed but couldn't get a match. I really hope that he was going to have his first match be for the World Title, and he was going to go on a Goldberg-like run through every XWF superstar in the organization.
5. JOSH FREAKIN' MATTHEWS
JOSH (he is such a huge star from Tough Enough that he requires just one name) is dressed like a bargain bin Hardy Boy with the addition of a shell necklace. He takes on Horace Hogan. Matthews gets dominated, and by dominated, I mean he hits ZERO offensive moves. Zero offensive moves does not stop him from winning, as he is able to roll up Horace Hogan with a small package for the victory. Thank God this federation ended before it had the chance for Josh to beat AJ Styles and Kid Kash at the same time.
4. Roddy Piper's Uncontrollable Racism
Before Snuka has his match against Vapor, they let Snuka Sr. talk in a completely unrelated segment that has nothing to do with the match. Roddy Piper, despite being a good guy up to this point, interrupts and calls them "coconut heads." Piper's now a heel, because he can't help himself from being super racist with Snuka. Mean Gene rightfully points out that if Piper is talking all that trash, they should fight. But just last week, Piper was told that he can't fight by the CEO. Of course, that brings out Rena who says he should fight. At this point, Piper is backed into a corner, so he does the only logical thing. He makes a match that has nothing to do with himself or the Snukas. END SCENE
3. Vampiro's Awareness Rating Is Zero
There should always be something to say anytime that Curt Hennig is in a match, but I just cannot say much of anything about this match. I'm even a noted Buff Bagwell fan, but still, this is just a match that happened. Hennig and Harrison win the match when Vampiro stands in the ring and stares at Ian Harrison while Curt Hennig pins Buff Bagwell, literally, a foot behind him.
Buff Bagwell gets angry about Vampiro apparently having ADD and forgetting he was in a tag match, so the whole locker room comes out to break up the shoving.
2. The Sable Army Grows
Sable not only got bodyguards in this episode. She also got assistants, possibly a board of directors? It isn't quite clear. Either way, if you wanted to see what feminism looked like in 2001, well, here you go.
The XWF can't be sexist. Not only did they put women in power, but they made sure they had large breasts, a notorious characteristic of females that men do not possess. #GirlPower
1. The Immortal Buff Perfect
I bet you thought that Brian Knobbs honoring those wrestlers that had passed away once was enough, but no. In a three episode DVD, he managed to get real twice. I almost didn't mention this, but I felt that I needed to mention that they really could have found a better photo for Curt Hennig.
I have no idea when Hennig started wearing Hulkamania colors and Buff Bagwell tophats, but apparently Brian Knobbs thought it was the most memorable portion of his career. Curt Hennig, you truly were a Perfect Friend.
And now the countdown of worst things about Episode 3 of the XWF.
12. The Best Match In XWF History
So it wasn't all bad. AJ Styles took on Kid Kash for the Cruiserweight Championship. Unless you're really into Johnny B. Badd and Norman Smiley gyrating their hips, this is the best match in XWF history. Kash and Styles wrestled a fast-paced match that was exciting from beginning to end. Of course, that wasn't that difficult, since the whole thing lasted about four minutes. But hey, that's understandable since they had to make time for Josh Matthews debut.
11. Rena Got Herself a Security Team
Rena, due to Roddy Piper repeatedly talking to her breasts, has decided to get herself a security team. This includes The Barbarian, which is awesome. It involves Tugboat, which is even more awesome. And it involves 4X4, which, yeah, that one kind of sucks, but two out of three ain't bad. Will these mysterious security men ever go on to wrestle? Eh, we'll never find out, because the XWF didn't last long enough.
10. I Would Do Anything For Love
Jimmy Hart's going to take you to Hail and back. At least that's what he said in an interview building up Hail. It's not necessarily good, but the more I sing it like Meat Loaf, the more I enjoy it.
9. The Mist Is Pissed
Vapor is so unimportant that they list Sonny Onoo with Vapor instead of the other way around.
8. Weird Sex Worker Wrestles For Money
Drezden takes on Marty Jannetty, but the more important thing that he wears leather pants with leather straps over his torso which makes him look like Smash without the face paint. It kind of makes sense, because Smash has a look that could never go out of style.
7. The Greatest Tag Team in XWF History
The Hulk Hogan Twins take on the South Philly Posse. HHT cement their status as the greatest tag team in XWF history with a win over the former Public Enemy. They win after the Nasty Boys come out to interfere against the twins but are stopped by the Road Warriors. Neither team in the match is really distracted by this, but it gives the Twins a reason to celebrate with The Road Warriors. This helped propel them to the WWE (three years later) as the long-remembered and longer-loved Gymini Twins.
6. Valentine's Day Blues
Greg Valentine pleads with Roddy Piper for a second straight week to give him a match. He still gets ignored. This may be one of the saddest things about the short-lived XWF. The Hammer owned the fed but couldn't get a match. I really hope that he was going to have his first match be for the World Title, and he was going to go on a Goldberg-like run through every XWF superstar in the organization.
5. JOSH FREAKIN' MATTHEWS
4. Roddy Piper's Uncontrollable Racism
Before Snuka has his match against Vapor, they let Snuka Sr. talk in a completely unrelated segment that has nothing to do with the match. Roddy Piper, despite being a good guy up to this point, interrupts and calls them "coconut heads." Piper's now a heel, because he can't help himself from being super racist with Snuka. Mean Gene rightfully points out that if Piper is talking all that trash, they should fight. But just last week, Piper was told that he can't fight by the CEO. Of course, that brings out Rena who says he should fight. At this point, Piper is backed into a corner, so he does the only logical thing. He makes a match that has nothing to do with himself or the Snukas. END SCENE
3. Vampiro's Awareness Rating Is Zero
There should always be something to say anytime that Curt Hennig is in a match, but I just cannot say much of anything about this match. I'm even a noted Buff Bagwell fan, but still, this is just a match that happened. Hennig and Harrison win the match when Vampiro stands in the ring and stares at Ian Harrison while Curt Hennig pins Buff Bagwell, literally, a foot behind him.
Buff Bagwell gets angry about Vampiro apparently having ADD and forgetting he was in a tag match, so the whole locker room comes out to break up the shoving.
2. The Sable Army Grows
Sable not only got bodyguards in this episode. She also got assistants, possibly a board of directors? It isn't quite clear. Either way, if you wanted to see what feminism looked like in 2001, well, here you go.
1. The Immortal Buff Perfect
I bet you thought that Brian Knobbs honoring those wrestlers that had passed away once was enough, but no. In a three episode DVD, he managed to get real twice. I almost didn't mention this, but I felt that I needed to mention that they really could have found a better photo for Curt Hennig.
I have no idea when Hennig started wearing Hulkamania colors and Buff Bagwell tophats, but apparently Brian Knobbs thought it was the most memorable portion of his career. Curt Hennig, you truly were a Perfect Friend.
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