The 12 Worst Things About XWF Episode 3

Unfortunately, we have already come to the finale of my series on the XWF. To give you an idea of how ill-conceived the XWF was, Greg Valentine never showed up for DVD commentary, and not even Jimmy Hart showed up to talk for the intro to episode three. Like, they had to have done these all in one day, but according to Knobbs, Hart was out "scouting for talent" aka strip club. If you remember last week, you'll know that Episode 2 was legitimately entertaining. Episode 3 was most certainly not (much like Episode 1). If you want to put yourself through it, I have embedded it below.

And now the countdown of worst things about Episode 3 of the XWF.

12. The Best Match In XWF History
So it wasn't all bad. AJ Styles took on Kid Kash for the Cruiserweight Championship. Unless you're really into Johnny B. Badd and Norman Smiley gyrating their hips, this is the best match in XWF history. Kash and Styles wrestled a fast-paced match that was exciting from beginning to end. Of course, that wasn't that difficult, since the whole thing lasted about four minutes. But hey, that's understandable since they had to make time for Josh Matthews debut.

11. Rena Got Herself a Security Team
Rena, due to Roddy Piper repeatedly talking to her breasts, has decided to get herself a security team. This includes The Barbarian, which is awesome. It involves Tugboat, which is even more awesome. And it involves 4X4, which, yeah, that one kind of sucks, but two out of three ain't bad. Will these mysterious security men ever go on to wrestle? Eh, we'll never find out, because the XWF didn't last long enough.

10. I Would Do Anything For Love
Jimmy Hart's going to take you to Hail and back. At least that's what he said in an interview building up Hail. It's not necessarily good, but the more I sing it like Meat Loaf, the more I enjoy it.

9. The Mist Is Pissed
Vapor is so unimportant that they list Sonny Onoo with Vapor instead of the other way around.

This forces Jimmy Snuka Jr. to come out with Jimmy Snuka Sr. The ref does not do his job and both Sonny Onoo and The Murdering Snuka are in the ring. The match ends with Big Splashes from both Snukas. They both clear the low bar of doing a better job than Tamina.

8. Weird Sex Worker Wrestles For Money
Drezden takes on Marty Jannetty, but the more important thing that he wears leather pants with leather straps over his torso which makes him look like Smash without the face paint. It kind of makes sense, because Smash has a look that could never go out of style.

Well...maybe not never. But either way, you take away the face paint and it gets real sad real quick. If you want to not make it look like you work in a weird sex club, you really gotta wear the facepaint.

7. The Greatest Tag Team in XWF History
The Hulk Hogan Twins take on the South Philly Posse. HHT cement their status as the greatest tag team in XWF history with a win over the former Public Enemy. They win after the Nasty Boys come out to interfere against the twins but are stopped by the Road Warriors. Neither team in the match is really distracted by this, but it gives the Twins a reason to celebrate with The Road Warriors. This helped propel them to the WWE (three years later) as the long-remembered and longer-loved Gymini Twins.

6. Valentine's Day Blues
Greg Valentine pleads with Roddy Piper for a second straight week to give him a match. He still gets ignored. This may be one of the saddest things about the short-lived XWF. The Hammer owned the fed but couldn't get a match. I really hope that he was going to have his first match be for the World Title, and he was going to go on a Goldberg-like run through every XWF superstar in the organization.

5. JOSH FREAKIN' MATTHEWS

JOSH (he is such a huge star from Tough Enough that he requires just one name) is dressed like a bargain bin Hardy Boy with the addition of a shell necklace. He takes on Horace Hogan. Matthews gets dominated, and by dominated, I mean he hits ZERO offensive moves. Zero offensive moves does not stop him from winning, as he is able to roll up Horace Hogan with a small package for the victory. Thank God this federation ended before it had the chance for Josh to beat AJ Styles and Kid Kash at the same time.

4. Roddy Piper's Uncontrollable Racism
Before Snuka has his match against Vapor, they let Snuka Sr. talk in a completely unrelated segment that has nothing to do with the match. Roddy Piper, despite being a good guy up to this point, interrupts and calls them "coconut heads." Piper's now a heel, because he can't help himself from being super racist with Snuka. Mean Gene rightfully points out that if Piper is talking all that trash, they should fight. But just last week, Piper was told that he can't fight by the CEO. Of course, that brings out Rena who says he should fight. At this point, Piper is backed into a corner, so he does the only logical thing. He makes a match that has nothing to do with himself or the Snukas. END SCENE

3. Vampiro's Awareness Rating Is Zero
There should always be something to say anytime that Curt Hennig is in a match, but I just cannot say much of anything about this match. I'm even a noted Buff Bagwell fan, but still, this is just a match that happened. Hennig and Harrison win the match when Vampiro stands in the ring and stares at Ian Harrison while Curt Hennig pins Buff Bagwell, literally, a foot behind him.

Buff Bagwell gets angry about Vampiro apparently having ADD and forgetting he was in a tag match, so the whole locker room comes out to break up the shoving.

2. The Sable Army Grows
Sable not only got bodyguards in this episode. She also got assistants, possibly a board of directors? It isn't quite clear. Either way, if you wanted to see what feminism looked like in 2001, well, here you go.

The XWF can't be sexist. Not only did they put women in power, but they made sure they had large breasts, a notorious characteristic of females that men do not possess. #GirlPower

1. The Immortal Buff Perfect
I bet you thought that Brian Knobbs honoring those wrestlers that had passed away once was enough, but no. In a three episode DVD, he managed to get real twice. I almost didn't mention this, but I felt that I needed to mention that they really could have found a better photo for Curt Hennig.

I have no idea when Hennig started wearing Hulkamania colors and Buff Bagwell tophats, but apparently Brian Knobbs thought it was the most memorable portion of his career. Curt Hennig, you truly were a Perfect Friend.

The 15 Worst Things About XWF Episode 1

The XWF was a short-lived wrestling organization in the early 2000s. It started in November 2001 which means it actually preceded the beginnings of TNA which did not start until June of 2002. Oh, but don't worry about overlap as the XWF was out of business by February of 2002. Honestly, early TNA looks a whole lot like the XWF. It is not good, but there are some good aspects of it. And luckily, they put three of their episodes on YouTube to be broken down. They pack a lot into 45 minutes, so buckle up, and if you'd like to check out the episode, it's embedded below.

Not everything was bad, so the beginning of the list will actually be positive. We take a downward spiral into negatives fairly quickly.

15. They Had The Brain
The best thing they did was get Curt Hennig and have him, not managed, but represented by agent, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. I am extremely cynical towards this wrestling venture, but even I popped for this. Unfortunately, I'll talk about the match itself later.

14. Mean WHOOOOOOOO Gene
They also got Mean Gene Okerlund, and there is literally no way to fault them for that.

13. Hype Videos
Willie Nelson talks about how much he loves America with Hacksaw Jim Duggan for 20 seconds. It's inane and delightful. Johnny B. Badd does a ten-second promo, and it gets me so hyped. Norman Smiley does the same. They even got Gene Simmons to do one for The Demon. I don't actually see any of these guys wrestle on this episode, and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I don't see any of them wrestle at all in these episodes, but the POSSIBILITY has me very intrigued.

12. Talent Did Exist
A bunch of cruiserweights, led by the former Prince Iaukea, come knocking on Piper's door, so he invents a Cruiserweight Title for everyone to compete for. Piper says that people can be eliminated by pinfall, submission, or over the top rope, but everyone is thrown over the top rope, so it's just a Cruiserweight Battle Royal. That is bad, but the fact that they have Psicosis, Kid Kash, AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, Juventud Guerrera, Low Ki (known as Quick Kick), and Prince Iaukea (known as The Tongan Prince) definitely saves it.

As I said, it's a Cruiserweight Battle Royal, so it's by far the best match on the show. The funniest part is that they pan away from the match to show Josh Matthews to hype him as the next big thing in the Cruiserweight division. Kid Kash wins the Battle Royal to become the first champion of the XWF.

11. A King On Leave
For the broadcast team, they got Tony Schiavone as their main play-by-play announcer which sounds bad, but for color, they had Jerry "The King" Lawler. Lawler quit the WWE for nine months when his wife, The Kat, got fired. This fit perfectly into that break of his. Lawler's commentary does not age well, because it's pretty horrifically offensive for today's world, but back then, you couldn't have gotten a more desired announcer.

10. A Perfectly Stupid Ending
Curt Hennig takes on Vampiro in the first episode main event. The match is fine until the end when Heenan gets a pair of brass knuckles. Before he can use them, Roddy Piper runs out and does this.

He hits Hennig, even though Hennig and Heenan never cheated. There was no proof that The Brain was going to use those brass knuckles for nefarious means; he might have just had cold knuckles. This injustice leads to Vampiro picking up the easy win.

9. Nasty Jimmy Forgot The Hammer
This was a company run by Brian Knobbs, Jimmy Hart, and Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. For the DVD set, they couldn't even get Valentine to say anything which should tell you a lot about the quality of this product. But they did get Knobbs and Hart, and they focused on wrestlers from the past, present, and future. I'll let you take a guess at which one of those categories this company is sorely lacking. They also said they didn't want any prima donnas, and then immediately bragged about signing Hulk Hogan.

8. Authority Figures
Sable is the CEO, but she is just known by her first name, Rena. Sable was never great at speaking, but she did a hell of a job memorizing her lines as she actually sounds like she has a purpose in her words. But she only speaks for a minute before introducing the commissioner, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. Why did they need two authority figures immediately? Because..., um, shrug emoji. Piper said he'll deal with the wrestlers, and she can deal with the money. I really hope they do some vignettes of Sable crunching the numbers.

7. Is Buff Enough?
The first match, to pop off the crowd, and set the tone for this new wrestling venture, is Big Vito vs. Buff Bagwell. I love Buff Bagwell, but this is exactly the match that you would expect.

6. Party Marty vs. Tall Hulk Hogan

The second match of the card is Marty Jannetty, who does not appear to be intoxicated, taking on some dude named Hail. He's 6'10" 340 pounds and couldn't wrestle his way out of a wet paper bag. He beats Jannetty, but the fact that a guy built like Hail never got a shot in the WWE shows how worthless he was in the ring. This is the first match that highlights the XWF's Hulk Hogan strategy. The XWF brought in every variation of Hulk Hogan to see if they could create a new Hulk Hogan. They had a fetish for giant buff dudes who were balding or completely bald and couldn't wrestle. They looked at professional wrestling, saw Hulk Hogan, loved Hulk Hogan, wanted to produce an entire organization of Hulk Hogans. Their big issue was that they forgot the most important ingredient of Hulk Hogan, and that is charisma. Despite failing to look for that, they would end up with one Hulk Hogan, but that was when they brought in Hulk Hogan.

5. Nasty Boys vs. Hulk Hogan Twins

The Nasty Boys take on The Shane Twins. You're not going to believe this, but the Shane Twins are giant buff dudes who can barely move. The Shane Twins win, but the Nasty Boys start beating on them, only to be stopped by The Road Warriors.

4. British Hulk Hogan Takes On Hulk Hogan's Nephew

Horace Hogan vs. Ian Harrison basically proved that their strategy in finding stars is finding guys who had lots of muscles and the wrestling talent would be secondary at best. British Hogan vs. Hogan Relative saw the foreigner coming out on top.

3. WXF?
This is the XWF secondary logo.

There is no human being alive who wouldn't guess that this company is called the WXF.

2. When Nasty Gets Nice
The end of this video, when they go back to director's commentary, is goddamn insane. Brian Knobbs only knows how to speak one way, and it's fast and loud. He was getting all hyped about the Nasty Boys feuding with The Road Warriors, but then he decided it was time to be serious. This is that moment.

He's still talking fast and loud, but he's combining that with some somber notes as he talks about the death of Hawk and Curt Hennig. They may have not wanted to combine all of the recap in one take, but two takes are for prima donnas.

1. Xcitement
XWF stands for Xcitement Wrestling Federation. I have nothing more to add.