5 Things You Need To Know About Christmas Mass

I am by no means a religious person, but I went to Christmas Mass this year. I went to a Methodist service, despite my roots being in Catholicism. Church has definitely changed since my glory days of actually attending on a regular basis, and I now have insights in to what you should expect if you are attending a Christmas, or really, any Mass.

1. The Video Packages Are Off The Chain
So I went to some fancy new-age church that had projection capabilities, and I would highly recommend this as it added a lot to the entire experience. They started with this slide show where they said all the cool stuff that Jesus did like giving us salvation and shit. Then they showed a slide that stated, "Jesus destroyed his enemies," and I'm like, "God damn, that is awesome." Then I realized I was in church, so I changed my thoughts to, "Fuck yeah, Jesus is a motherfucker you don't want to cross."

2. The Black Guy Will Sing Like An Angel
As a white person who was in small towns in the Midwest, I knew there would not be a lot of diversity at church. So, yeah, there were a whole lot of white people up in there. But you best believe that one black guy would step up in front of the entire church and deliver a solo that brought the house down. Good for that guy, not only for the impressive pipes, but to deal with a bunch of white people. White people are the worst (hence, they falsely claim a Middle Eastern Jesus as one of their own).

3. Watch Out For That Youth Pastor
Growing up in the Catholic Church, there were no such things as youth pastors. Basically, because you couldn't do chicks and had to live a life of celibacy (it's odd that so many people who pledge their celibacy end up being creeps who sexually assault children). But at these churches that don't require a creepy life of celibacy, there are youth pastors. These are not what you expect, as they look more alternative than traditional pastors. The one at this church even had gauges in his ears. It's basically a young adult emo who is preaching the word of the Lord, which makes sense, because, let's face it, Jesus was the original emo.

4. People Get Very Excited About Candles
You get a candle for when Silent Night is played near the end, and people are very excited by this. In fact, the church ran out of candles, so the preacher man made an announcement saying that more candles were on their way. People applauded. No man, woman, or child should be left without a candle. When they were finally lit, there were lit candles around, so I was a little underwhelmed, but fire is cool, I guess.

5. There Will Be Hilarious Hypotheticals
So his big sermon asked, "Would you have seen? Would you have heard?" in regards to Baby Jesus. This is fairly insane, because, only like three weird dudes came, and they gave a baby gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Dudes, it's a baby, a rattle would have sufficed. Also, this reminds me of what awful writers the Bible had, because Jesus definitely should have used these gifts later on to vanquish some enemies; that would have made for a much more compelling story.

Anyway, I got a little sidetracked there, because the pastor apparently wants to be the type of person that travels for miles to give babies weird gifts. Even weirder than that, he also asked whether he would have ears, and it's like, dude, 2000 years ago isn't so long ago that humans didn't have ears. Also, you're religious, so you're not supposed to believe in evolution anyway. Get it together, brah.

Ultimately, Christmas Mass is the best time to go to church during the year. All the cool kids are there, and they don't have time to spew any of their bullshit hate speech. So overall, it's just a really positive place where they focus on treating people with kindness. If they did that more often, I might even go twice a year.

Keep The Beer Flowing

So I went for an all-day drinkathon while tailgating this weekend. Whenever I do something like this, I am reminded of the Toby Keith song where he says, "I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once, as I ever was." At 28 years old, that is where I am at when it comes to my drinking days.

Things did not start out well as the gas station we stopped at did not have any Natural Light. I knew I was going to have to switch to swill later on when we went to the bar, but I was not hoping to start out with it. Oh well, Bud Light it is.

Drinking starts at 8:00 AM, because it was an afternoon game, so I was able to get by with a later start. I proceeded to drink about a dozen beers and eat a whole gang of free tacos. That is really the best thing about tailgating. Every single person tailgating somehow makes way too much food, so people are always looking to give food away. If I was homeless, I would just buy a college/pro shirt of whatever city I was in, and have like 8-10 awesome meals each year. I really hope there are homeless people reading this at the public library.

Then it was time to the bar, because football is not a fun sport to watch in person, as when you are at the game, you realize how slow of a game football is. Also, since it was a college game, I would have had to stop drinking. We get to the bar about 15 minutes before the game starts, and I somehow manage to weasel my way into a seat by the bar. This is the last good news from that bar, because I am a fan of the Iowa Hawkeyes, and they managed to shit the bed, the couch, and the recliner. They just shit everywhere.

Then we went to this crappy little dive bar that is a couple blocks away from the serious action. Some lady, who was obviously trying to impress me, put some money in the jukebox and let me pick the songs. So I put on a bunch of awesome songs. You bet your ass that I put on some "Moondance" by Van Morrison, because I am a classy gentleman. I proceeded to dance and romance throughout the song.

I also decided to put on Roxanne, so we could play the Roxanne drinking game (one person/team drinks every time Sting says Roxanne, the other/team does it when he says Red Light). Unfortunately, my one buddy had not gotten back with our beers when the song started, so another buddy and I started singing. We were warned for singing too loud...at a bar! We did calm down, but mostly because it was during the verse and not the refrain. When the refrain hit, we took it to another level as we battled to see who could be more awesome while singing the song. You really haven't lived until you have shimmied and screamed "Roxanne" into a friend's face in a public place. We were asked to leave, but I do not blame myself or my friend, I blame their service, because if we would have had beers, we could have just harmlessly slammed our 20th (estimate) beer of the day. Keep the beer flowing, and we keep the harmless, good times going.

To top it all off, later on my buddy passed on the beers and switched to liquor and ended up face planting at the end of the night. This is what happens when you don't keep the beer flowing. Some say beer before liquor, never been sicker. They could say that beer before liquor can be a real ass kicker.

West Coast Dance Off: Ryan Zimmerman vs. Alex Ovechkin

West Coast Dance is sweeping the nation.  Obviously, this isn't surprising to anyone as West Coast Dance has brought all of the best in different dance disciplines to create the ultimate style of dance.  The pioneers of West Coast Dance promised that it would be a phenomenon, and they were not lying as I have seen many videos of regular people and celebrities alike giving it their best go at West Coast Dance.

Because of this, I felt it was time to introduce a grading scale to differentiate between the weak wannabes and the true innovators of WCD.  All dancers will be judged on the following criteria:
West Coastness - This is the toughest to define, as it is based a lot on intangibles that only the trained eye can really see.  Normal people won't be able to tell the difference between the West Coast of one dance as compared to another, but that's why I'm here to guide you along.
Comedy - If you're trying to get serious acclaim for your dancing, then it ain't West Coast Dance.
Dance - Sure, anybody can be goofy on the dance floor, but you still need to have legit moves to rank highly among the best West Coast Dancers.

In the end, I will be giving a final grade of 1-10 penguins, as The Penguin was one of the earliest dance moves to help shape the future of West Coast Dance.

Today, we have a surprising battle of East Coasters, as both are proud to make their living in Washington DC.  It will be Ryan Zimmerman of the Washington Nationals vs. the Russian-born Alex Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals.  First, let's check out what Zimmerman brings to the table (and feel free to stop the video when Zimmerman is done, because I don't care about those other assclowns).


West Coastness - I have to give a lot of credit to Zimmerman as he does an excellent job of showing what West Coast is all about with his moves.  Obviously, everyone is going to love when he breaks it down, but the key to the West Coastness is the beginning.  He starts off with some proper ballroom dancing, and just when you think that he's going to zig and stick with that, he zags and busts a move.  The element of surprise is an excellent way to show the West Coastness of his dance.

Comedy - Facial expressions are the key to his comedy, as when he hears the bumping beats, you can see the change from proper gentleman to Dirty Dancer.  Although the lady is usually the one shaking her butt on the gentleman, Zimmerman uses gender reversal to create a good chuckle for the entire crowd.

Dance - The moves were solid, but not fantastic.  He had a critical error when he was doing the ballroom dancing before the dip.  Still, he made up for it by really getting into his ass grind and following up with a classic West Coast Dance maneuver with the double first-pump front grind.

Now let's move onto a compilation of Alex Ovechkin's dance moves:


West Coastness - The man doesn't stop dancing; that is what you have to love.  He signs autographs...and dances.  He talks on his cell phone...and dances.  Hell, he even DJ's at a club...and dances.  A true West Coaster will not let anything stop him from getting his groove on, and Alex Ovechkin clearly realizes this as even when he's sticking with classic moves, he keeps his body moving which is essential for the West Coastness of a Dancer.

Comedy - The loose arm move is always fun, because there is a total lack of caring with it.  It makes everybody around him have a great time. He also does a great job of using his profession in his moves.  He pulls his own shirt over his head, blinding himself yet keeps the dance moves coming.  Also, I'm pretty sure that he's at a club that had never seen dancing before, yet he has the entire club getting their groove on, because of how much fun he is having.

Dance - I really like that when he's in the DJ Booth, he starts with a classic raising of the roof, but he isn't afraid to stray away from a classic and start windmilling the arms a little bit.  He's willing to take chances which will always get him respect within the WCD community.  The best move in here is very early with the autograph signing.  Yes, he was signing an actual autograph, but it is a money move regardless. 

Ryan Zimmerman's Overall Score - Zimmeman did a great job with West Coastness, had some solid comedy, but struggled a little bit with the Dance part.  Still, it was a very good performance, so his score is...

SIX PENGUINS

Alex Ovechkin's Overall Score - Overchkin did a very good job with West Coatness as well.  His comedy was very solid, but he really brought it with the innovative dance moves.  His overall score is...

EIGHT PENGUINS

This was a great first matchup, and I give respect to both men.  Still, a hearty congratulations is in order for Alex Ovechkin, a man who comes from the far east, yet has adapted to our culture to become a true West Coast Dancer.

-Joe

P.S.  We'll make it a video heavy day at the blog, as here's a little girl trying to sing about some West Coast Dancing: