Daggering

I am a fervent supporter of West Coast Dance, as, when it comes to the artistic side of dance, I don't think it gets any more beautiful than well executed West Coast Dance moves. Up until now, I have also found it to be the most entertaining form of dance, but like all great art forms, West Coast Dance has evolved. Jamaicans have clearly seen a man sitting on the floor playing air piano, or seen a girl turned upside down and her hair used to mop the floor; they probably even saw a man use a broom and a sweeper to push poor dancers off to the side to give more room for true West Coast Dancers. They saw this and were inspired. These brave Jamaicans have made it their own and created Daggering.

When I first saw this video on World Star Hip Hop, my jaw was agape throughout the entire thing and for most of the hour that followed. I went to YouTube to find more, and I found this extended version that has changed my entire world view.

If you have never seen Daggering, let me just warn you: You're not ready. I have seen some crazy shit on the dance floor, and I was not ready for what I saw. There were times where I literally started screaming in excitement, because they went to places I could only dream of. The entire video is amazing, but I wanted to break down my favorite parts.

Let's start off with a gentleman spinning his lady around until losing his balance and sending her head first into the floor.

That girl is not moving, so the guy does the gentlemanly thing and covers her head with his hat. The thing I love about this is that there was no way he was going to stop spinning until he fell to the floor and gave this girl a concussion. Also, I'd like to point out that there is a walker just hanging out on the dance floor. Learning lessons from West Coast Dance, props play a huge part in Daggering.

This next one is pretty amazing. This guy finds a woman with the full intention to abuse her. Like, he seemingly just picks this woman completely at random and decides, "Yep, I'm about to fuck up your back." He finds a pole for the girl to hold onto, then finds a fast food trash receptacle, and then...well, then magic happens.

He gives her a big splash. Then he swings around on the pole to get back on his perch and just kind of jumps off to the side. But he spins one more time around to get on the trash can and proceeds to jump with all of his might on her back and ride her like a pony. The most amazing part is that this girl seems unfazed by the entire thing. That Jamaican chick is straight up country strong.

Just a middle of the dance floor face hump, no big deal.

As you can tell, people are very excited by this maneuver.

Next we have a guy who climbs on top of the speakers to do a big splash on not one, not two, but three women who are lying on a table on top of each other.

There are wrestlers in the WWE who would be unwilling to take these bumps. And on top of that, it ends with a different guy beating a girl with a belt, and then choking her with it. That's a little extreme, even for me, but that's just how they Dagger down south.

All you need to know is that this next video is of a man powerbombing a large woman onto another large woman.

Notice how I said that these were women? These ain't no girls. These are grown ass women. The girl who got powerbombed popped right back up, despite her ass hanging out of her pants. And the girl lying on the ground knew that something bad was going to happen to her, and she took it like a champ. Oh, but we've saved her shining moment for last.

A guy uses a step ladder to give this woman a splash and then violently humps her. That's pretty awesome, but what happens after made my jaw drop, and I have not been able to shut my mouth since. Just watch, because nothing can prepare you for what happens next.

HE HOOKED A CAR BATTERY TO HER VAGINA I REPEAT: HE HOOKED A CAR BATTERY TO HER VAGINA. I have so many questions.

1. Was there a car battery at the dance floor?
2. If not, who had the idea to bring one?
3. Did they take it from their own car?
4. Did they steal it from another car?
5. Did they know that they were going to hook it to a woman's vagina that night?
6. Was it a conscience decision to hook up the positive end?
7. Is this because vaginas are a positive thing, so it only makes sense to go positive to positive?
8. Would something different have happened had he hooked up the negative end?
9. Is the negative end reserved for buttholes?
10. Finally, are they going to put the battery back in the car that they got it from or is it seen as the cost of great Daggering?

Whoever did this, thank you. Thank you so much, because sometimes I doubt that the world can ever truly create anything new and wonderful. And then I saw this, and I rejoiced, because innovation isn't running out of energy, it's being hooked to car batteries and creating the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I got married five months ago, and Daggering is right up there as the best thing to happen to me in the last year.

Who's down for a trip to Jamaica?

I Am The Life Of The Party At Weddings...Don't Be Like Me

Well, my friends really fucked me over on this one. At my wedding, everybody was on the dance floor. Not only were pro wrestling moves happening. There was not a man, woman, or child that they were not willing to dance with in some ridiculous manner. I went along with the whole thing, because as a West Coast Dancer, I know how to get down and boogie. Honestly, it was a blast and definitely the weirdest wedding dance floor that I have ever seen.

But now every time I go to a wedding with my wife's family and friends in attendance, they are not looking forward to seeing me for riveting conversation, they are looking forward to my breathtaking dance moves.

We went to a wedding a couple weekends ago. Right after the wedding, before the bride had even exited into the limo, her mother came up to me to let me know that she was looking forward to seeing me out on the dance floor. Was I flattered? Of course, but it put a lot of pressure on me when I should just be a random guest at the wedding.

Did I deliver? Well, yes, I wowed the crowd. I went to some of my patented moves, like the duck walk grind, which is just like it sounds, incredibly tiring, but always gets the crowd excited. I also brought out an invisible basketball, had it transformed into a soccer ball and didn't miss a beat. I danced with every lady in the building including when I brought out the bride in the middle of a dance circle and twerked on her. People were awed, and a great time was had by all.

So what's the problem?

The problem is that I have only heightened expectations for the next wedding. I'll have to come up with even fresher moves and deliver another high energy performance. Sure, next time I'll still be fine. Even the time after, I should be good. But what about 6, 7, 8 weddings down the road? How am I supposed to keep this up? I hate to admit it, but I'm not getting any younger. A few years down the road, I'm going to have to come to the realization that I'm not as good as I once was, but can I continue to be as good once as I ever was? I'd like to think so, but there are no guarantees. There is the very real possibility that this all comes crashing down when I try to push through the flu to dance my ass off, and instead I am left leaving a $50 plate of food on the dance floor. The scariest part is I'm not sure which hole it is going to exit out of.

It is not worth it being the center of attention, because the pressure and expectations are only going to increase as time goes on. I'm going to have a hip replacement and still be gettin' jiggy in the middle of dance floors despite extreme pain in every part of my body.

So, please, take my advice. Play it safe at weddings. Pick your spots. Find one song to break out a patented move and nail it. People will remember you as making an impact, and you won't have to be out there all night to do it. I wish I could follow my own advice, but me? I'm stuck. All I can ask is the next time you see a guy dancing his ass off all night long at a wedding and making sure everybody is having a blast, take him aside and thank him for his service. I know I'd appreciate it.

Me And You Can't Date

There is nothing I love more than the people of Twitter. They are so amazingly stupid that they never cease to bring a smile to my face. A brilliant hashtag happened on Twitter last night. It was titled #MeAndYouCantDate. It is brilliant not only in its horrible assault on the English language, but also because it was an absolute goldmine for material.

MogulTweetz Charles Wolford III 

If at any point I feel myself giving you the position in my life that belongs to God. #MeAndYouCantDate #NoFalseIdols

This one made me laugh way too hard, because Charles Wolford III is being serious. He is literally setting his sights on a girl that he only likes a little bit. If he loves her, she might take God's spot, and if he thinks a girl is really amazing, he's going to have to give her the boot. This is one of those religious freaks that doesn't love Jesus, he's IN love with Jesus. Remember Charles, no false idols, and no, Jesus does not reside in your right hand.

JussArniie Arniie` 

#MeAndYouCantDate If I dress better then you, I`m just saying

I put this one in as a brain teaser, because Amile refuses to date people who dress worse than her, but what if everyone had this rule? Nobody could date anyone. If you dressed better than a person, you wouldn't date them, but if you found someone who dressed better than you, they'd never date you. I'm just saying.

Prettyboyynonso Nonso Emmanuel 

#MeAndYouCantDate if i heard you had STDS ...because most likely rumors are true!!

What is STDS? Is it like PTSD? because if so, that's kind of fucked up, Nonso Emmanuel. I mean, yeah, I might have trouble dating a girl who dove under the table anytime she heard a firecracker. I certainly wouldn't eliminate them from contention altogether. I'd hate to miss out on a thoroughbred dimepiece just because she doesn't want to get shot. Honestly, I don't want to get shot either. I am curious what he means about the rumors though. Are people with PTSD terrible in bed, or are they freaky as shit? I'll assume they get freak nasty. And now, instead of being scared, I'm actually going to start exclusively pursuing thoroughbred dimepieces with PTSD or as he likes to call it STDS. Bow Chicka Wow Wow.

itslovatoswag p i c k l e ! 

#MeAndYouCantDate because you're not Demi Lovato and she's the one for me. <3

These are the type of people that terrify me. I have a lot of celebrity crushes, but I am not eliminating all other women from my life for them. I am an incredibly arrogant person, so it's not at all that I think my celebrity crushes are out of my league. I am fully convinced that if I ran into Trish Stratus, Jessica Alba, or Brittany Snow, I could bed them. There's no doubt in my mind. Why wouldn't they want to have sex with me? But even after I make vigorous love on them, there probably won't be enough common interests to facilitate a relationship. This guy is swearing off all women so he can get with Demi Lovato. That's creepy as shit and horribly pathetic. I'm also pretty sure that this isn't the first celebrity he has stalked, unless his real name actually is "Pickle!", but I'm guessing it's not.

beckyYDG silly wanker. ⚓ 

#meandyoucantdate if you like blood on the dance floor.

Wait, what? I don't know what this means, but my mind is working at warp speed trying to figure out a way to get blood on the dance floor to maximize the fierceness of my West Coast Dance moves. If anybody likes blood on the dance floor, let me know. I'm curious how you work that into your moves. This could be the greatest contribution to dance moves since glo-vests.

Philip_W_Thomas Philip W Thomas 

#MeAndYouCantDate If YOU open your legs and tuna fish comes out

Philip, this is your 40 year old virgin moment. You basically just said that her boob felt like a bag of sand. I'm 110% sure that you have never been with a woman. When people talk about tuna fish and a woman's vagina, it doesn't mean that there are actually tuna swimming up in the woman's vagina, it's just a similar smell for some women. You can open up every girl's legs on the planet, and you really don't need to worry about tuna coming to attack your face.

Without the fear of Charlie the Tuna coming to attack you, I'm sure that you'll be reeling the ladies in.

-Joe

P.S. This is a little late, but Braves Acceptance guy makes me laugh every time I look at him.

What I Learned From Step Up 3

Recovering from a four day bender on Sunday, I decided I would watch a movie to help me waste a couple hours. It was 1:12 in the afternoon, and I noticed that Step Up 3 (Since I did not watch it in 3D, I will refer to it as Step Up 3 which Wikipedia has told me is totally acceptable) had started at 1:10. I decided that I could get into the movie and hope that those two minutes that I missed would never come back to haunt me. I will probably never see those two minutes, but I am really hoping that it is two minutes of a disclaimer noting that any person who tries to view this movie in an intelligent manner will probably have their head explode within ten minutes.

So yeah, this movie is awesome.

Within ten minutes I actually learned something about myself when one of the main characters called another main character BFAB. There was only about five seconds until they explained what BFAB meant, but I was so excited because I was 100% positive that it was going to be awesome. It did not disappoint as I learned that BFAB means Born From A Boombox. It was a revelation for me, as I too, am Born From A Boombox.

The next thing I learned is that as long as you are dancing, you can commit crime with reckless abandon. Occasionally people will get angry, but they won't actually do anything about it. In this movie, they destroyed people's property, vandalized city streets, and stole like it was the only way to get into Heaven. The worst thing that happened to them for these crimes is some old lady tried to spray them with a hose. If you committed a dance murder, the worst punishment that would happen is someone overcooking your steak at the neighborhood barbecue. I'm honestly not sure if the American Justice System has the power to prosecute Dance Crime.

When competing in a dance-off, always, and I mean ALWAYS, dance last. I'm not sure if the sabermetric community has researched this, but according to my analysis, you will win 100% of the time as long as you are the last to break out dance moves.

Speaking of dance-offs, does anyone know where and when the Midwest Regionals will be taking place this year? With the strategic use of dancing last, I'm pretty sure West Coast Dance could take out The Pirates and The Samurai in the World Dance Championships. If anybody has any information on this, let me know with a comment or on the Facebook page.

The last thing I learned is that large warehouses in downtown New York City are shockingly affordable. With my modest approximation, they had about a 20,000 square foot warehouse. There were six different studios for dancing, and a dance club on a lower floor. This does not include the living spaces where about 20 dancers lived, or the regular living spaces as well as an office to edit films. Now if they were running a successful dance club, maybe they were making money off that, but nobody worked there, and there was clearly no security because a rival dance group was able to come right in and get into a dance battle. So I think they just had a dance club so other people with no jobs would have a place to dance in the middle of the afternoon. None of these dancers had jobs, and when they finally got evicted, all the dancers were pissed despite living for free for years at this point. After looking at everything logically, I am nearly positive that a 20,000 square foot warehouse in downtown New York is about $500 a month. I don't know why people bitch about prices in NY, because that seems like a hell of a deal to me.

Step Up 3 is like the Fast and the Furious franchise, except they replaced racing for pink slips with dancing for warehouses. I highly recommend it.

-Joe

P.S. If you are a baseball nerd, you will love this article.

West Coast Dance Has Spread To Jamaica

This video was posted on Grantland yesterday, and it is truly inspiring to see this level of West Coast Dance has spread into other countries to become an international dance craze. Here are some of my West Coast Dancing brothers in Jamaica showing you how to break it down:

There's a lot of great moves in this video, with some new moves mixed in with WCD classics.

They start off simple, just bouncing their body parts into a ladies caboose. Whether it be the hip, the dick, the ass, or even a sidekick, it's all in good WCD fun.

Another thing I love that is just briefly shown is playing the bongos on a girl's ass. Just tap-tap-tap that ass, and she'll absolutely love it. This is risky as you must make sure it's just a tap and not a grab. Also, try to limit your taps to groups of 2-4, so she only feels slightly demeaned by your actions. Any more, you may upset the girl, or even worse, get a mother hen involved.

My favorite moves are when they put their spin on some classic WCD moves. It's a staple for West Coast Dancers to get low instead of their lady dance partner. But to get low, then slowly spinning while tapping the girl's ass with different parts of your body is a very money maneuver. Shoulders are nice, but a headbutt to the rear end is a quality move that will have the ladies begging for more.

Finally, there is one thing that makes it evident that these guys aren't just high on drugs and are absolutely West Coast Dancers. They share these women, not as if they are some sort of sexual desire, but as if she's merely a prop to enhance their WCD moves. These women mean nothing to them, and all West Coast Dancers know what this does to the woman: It makes her want these guys more than she ever thought possible.

Let's face it. Ladies all around the world can't resist the raw sexuality of West Coast Dance.

-Joe

P.S. Want to see something else that is badass? Here's Shonn Greene running over Wisconsin:

West Coast Dance Can Be Dangerous

I headed back to my hometown this past weekend as I head many chums back in town to participate in the annual Snowbird Softball Tournament.  I did not participate.  Some would say that this is because I am awful at softball.  And honestly, I'd have to agree.  I've played in three tournaments and only won two of them, so I think it might qualify as the thing that I am the worst at.

After a night of heavy drinking on Friday, a couple buddies and I woke up early to grab breakfast before the first game at 10 AM.  Since the first game was at 10 AM, that meant drinking started at 10 AM.  Unfortunately, the team was unable to get drunk fast enough and they are awful softball players when sober.

The rest of the day rotated between playing softball and heading to a bar where we purchased a keg so we could all get plenty intoxicated.  They won their next two games before losing their fourth and final game when they ran up against a team that had avoided vagina at all costs in order to focus on their softball skills.  They may have won the softball game, but they got blown out in the game of life.

Once the team was eliminated from the tournament, everyone went from get drunk mode to get blacked out drunk mode.  The beer was flowing like the mighty Mississippi River and good times were had by all.

Around 1 AM, 15 hours into our drinkathon, a friend and I decided that it was time to cross the river so we could have an extra hour of drinking...and an extra hour of dancing, because I was at that very special point in my intoxication where West Coast Dance was not only possible, but inevitable.  I called a female and sang to her, "I'm Hott Joe, you know me," and she immediately agreed to drive us across the river.  As I've stated before, LL Hott J, Ladies Love Hott Joe.

My buddy and I got into a dance off, and this is definitely a moment of browning out.  I know that I blew him away in the dance off, but I am not sure of any of the moves that I performed (a common occurrence in West Coast Dance).  I then proceeded to blow everyone off the dance floor.  My female escort was so impressed with my moves that she tried to stay off the dance floor, because she just wanted to lean back and enjoy the show.  It was a special performance where I was hitting every single one of my moves to perfection.

Unfortunately, yet completely unsurprisingly, my sexual magnetism was too much, so a couple random broads were screaming at me to stop.  My moves got them so hot that they wanted to fight me in order to avoid exploding in ecstasy right there on the dance floor.  I informed them that trying to stop West Coast Dance is laughable, it's not even something you can contain.  Once it's turned on, it's ON.  When they realized that there was nothing they could do, I'm pretty sure they ran to the bathroom to clean themselves up.  It's probably for the best, because I believe my escort for that evening would have fought them for trying to stop my amazing dance moves.

I wanted to share this story as a warning to those aspiring West Coast Dancers all over the world.  It's an extremely powerful thing, and the ability to harness its power is something that must be developed over time.  Once you get to the level that I and only a select few are on, no amount of alcohol will slow it down, because you reach a state where inebriation no longer hinders your movements, it only enhances your enjoyment.

So, remember kids, don't try this at home, try it at the club, and let the ladies cum to you.

-Joe

P.S.  Don't be fooled by impostors.  This is not West Coast Dance.  Neither is this.

West Coast Dance Off: Ryan Zimmerman vs. Alex Ovechkin

West Coast Dance is sweeping the nation.  Obviously, this isn't surprising to anyone as West Coast Dance has brought all of the best in different dance disciplines to create the ultimate style of dance.  The pioneers of West Coast Dance promised that it would be a phenomenon, and they were not lying as I have seen many videos of regular people and celebrities alike giving it their best go at West Coast Dance.

Because of this, I felt it was time to introduce a grading scale to differentiate between the weak wannabes and the true innovators of WCD.  All dancers will be judged on the following criteria:
West Coastness - This is the toughest to define, as it is based a lot on intangibles that only the trained eye can really see.  Normal people won't be able to tell the difference between the West Coast of one dance as compared to another, but that's why I'm here to guide you along.
Comedy - If you're trying to get serious acclaim for your dancing, then it ain't West Coast Dance.
Dance - Sure, anybody can be goofy on the dance floor, but you still need to have legit moves to rank highly among the best West Coast Dancers.

In the end, I will be giving a final grade of 1-10 penguins, as The Penguin was one of the earliest dance moves to help shape the future of West Coast Dance.

Today, we have a surprising battle of East Coasters, as both are proud to make their living in Washington DC.  It will be Ryan Zimmerman of the Washington Nationals vs. the Russian-born Alex Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals.  First, let's check out what Zimmerman brings to the table (and feel free to stop the video when Zimmerman is done, because I don't care about those other assclowns).


West Coastness - I have to give a lot of credit to Zimmerman as he does an excellent job of showing what West Coast is all about with his moves.  Obviously, everyone is going to love when he breaks it down, but the key to the West Coastness is the beginning.  He starts off with some proper ballroom dancing, and just when you think that he's going to zig and stick with that, he zags and busts a move.  The element of surprise is an excellent way to show the West Coastness of his dance.

Comedy - Facial expressions are the key to his comedy, as when he hears the bumping beats, you can see the change from proper gentleman to Dirty Dancer.  Although the lady is usually the one shaking her butt on the gentleman, Zimmerman uses gender reversal to create a good chuckle for the entire crowd.

Dance - The moves were solid, but not fantastic.  He had a critical error when he was doing the ballroom dancing before the dip.  Still, he made up for it by really getting into his ass grind and following up with a classic West Coast Dance maneuver with the double first-pump front grind.

Now let's move onto a compilation of Alex Ovechkin's dance moves:


West Coastness - The man doesn't stop dancing; that is what you have to love.  He signs autographs...and dances.  He talks on his cell phone...and dances.  Hell, he even DJ's at a club...and dances.  A true West Coaster will not let anything stop him from getting his groove on, and Alex Ovechkin clearly realizes this as even when he's sticking with classic moves, he keeps his body moving which is essential for the West Coastness of a Dancer.

Comedy - The loose arm move is always fun, because there is a total lack of caring with it.  It makes everybody around him have a great time. He also does a great job of using his profession in his moves.  He pulls his own shirt over his head, blinding himself yet keeps the dance moves coming.  Also, I'm pretty sure that he's at a club that had never seen dancing before, yet he has the entire club getting their groove on, because of how much fun he is having.

Dance - I really like that when he's in the DJ Booth, he starts with a classic raising of the roof, but he isn't afraid to stray away from a classic and start windmilling the arms a little bit.  He's willing to take chances which will always get him respect within the WCD community.  The best move in here is very early with the autograph signing.  Yes, he was signing an actual autograph, but it is a money move regardless. 

Ryan Zimmerman's Overall Score - Zimmeman did a great job with West Coastness, had some solid comedy, but struggled a little bit with the Dance part.  Still, it was a very good performance, so his score is...

SIX PENGUINS

Alex Ovechkin's Overall Score - Overchkin did a very good job with West Coatness as well.  His comedy was very solid, but he really brought it with the innovative dance moves.  His overall score is...

EIGHT PENGUINS

This was a great first matchup, and I give respect to both men.  Still, a hearty congratulations is in order for Alex Ovechkin, a man who comes from the far east, yet has adapted to our culture to become a true West Coast Dancer.

-Joe

P.S.  We'll make it a video heavy day at the blog, as here's a little girl trying to sing about some West Coast Dancing:

I Should Be A Wedding Planner

Being unemployed gives me a lot of time for brainstorming. Through these brainstorming sessions, I come up with some awesome ideas. My latest ideas are to improve everything about weddings. Weddings are a great time, you get drunk, party hard, and who knows where the night will end up? But there are many flaws with weddings and the receptions that follow. I will fix just about everything with the following ideas:

1. Wedding Attire - The suits and extravagant wedding dresses are so 1800s. You're not a debutante, so it's time to start breaking into the 21st Century. This is your special day, so you should make it as enjoyable as possible. What's more enjoyable than being comfortable? Nothing. That is why I propose that the groom wears gym shorts and a clean t-shirt (we're not going to allow people to be slobs), and brides can wear booty shorts and a tank top. I would prefer a pair of custom made booty shorts where instead of saying "Juicy" on the ass, it could say "Bride", "Taken", or "Official Bottom Bitch". I haven't decided what the bridesmaids should wear, but I think matching wife beaters for the groomsmen would add a level of class to the ceremony.

2. Decorations - There are so many flowers at weddings. You know what flowers do? They die. That's depressing a giant waste of cash. So I'm getting rid of all the flowers. Now, on a completely unrelated note (or is it?), do you ever get hungry during weddings? I know I sure do. So how can we come up with one solution for two problems? Boom, we decorate with food. Edible arrangements always does a nice job, but really, all you have to do is put different colored fruit together, and it will look nice. Plus, the fruit isn't going to die. It's going to be eaten. Once the bride walks down the aisle, those decorations are fair game for anyone to eat. You bet your ass I'm showing up on time to a wedding to make sure that I'm seated next to the most delicious edible decorations at the ceremony. Chocolate covered strawberries, delicious and nutritious (kind of).

3. Food - Honestly, wedding food is usually awesome. I have had some fantastic food, and there's really no need to mess with it. But with the addition of t-shirts instead of suits, ribs now become a much more viable option, just something to think about.

4. Wedding Cake - Wedding cake is way too fancy. Red velvet, buttercream, mocha? What the hell is that? There is no need to be fancy when you could simply be effective, and what cake does everyone love? Funfetti. From the holiest saints to the filthiest of scumbags, everybody loves funfetti. Why anyone would try to separate from this basic truth is beyond my comprehension.

5. Dance Floor - Everybody always feels awkward when they're the first people starting off the dancing at a wedding, so to help change that, we put the dance floor away from everything and make it pitch black where it is. There will probably be some strobes going on, and definitely a smoke machine, but wedding dance floors really need to be more like a shitty dance club. Sure, you might grind on grandma, but at least nobody will be able to tell it was you who accidentally elbowed a girl in the face while you were busting out your awesome karate moves.

6. Garter/Bouquet Toss - This may be my best idea, but I figured I would save my most awesome idea for the end. I don't know how the ladies feel about catching a bouquet, but it's pretty worthless. As a guy, I know that I have no interest in trying to catch a garter. I think it's more of a detriment. What? Am I going to be the asshole who puts it around my head? No, as I have stated many times, I'm classy. So for the ladies, we throw out...(realizes he knows nothing about women)...Twilight DVDs? Plus, even after they make like five of those movies, your max investment is $50. The ladies will be clawing at each other's hair to have Edwin, Roscoe, and Jameer (I'm not sure what their names are, but Edwin sounds right, and Jameer is probably the second best name for a black vampire, next to Blade) on DVD. Guys, don't worry about that stupid garter anymore, because instead, we'll have the groom throw out a $250 Best Buy gift card. There will be blood as people go for that thing which will honestly just bring even more excitement to the wedding.

7. Centerpieces - This idea is so brilliant, it hurts...hurts so good that is. Centerpieces really range from different glassy type deals to flowery type deals to sparkly type deals, and they all suck. Now imagine, sitting at your table, and coming across this beauty in the middle:
But it gets better, because we are definitely doing a whiskey chugging contest as the first table who can finish off their bottle (we could possibly go to two bottles if you want people to get really messed up) gets free open bar the rest of the night while the rest of the party just has the kegs to drink from. This prize really isn't all that great, but the fact that the winning table is known as winners the rest of the night will certainly help their chances with the ladies.

Also, with everybody starting the night off chugging whiskey, the party is sure to be off the chain, and that dance floor will be hoppin.

These ideas are just the tip of the iceberg as I have many more ideas floating around in my head. Feel free to contact me via Facebook or e-mail me at papalishus@hotmail.com if you would like me to plan your wedding.

-Joe

P.S. I was driving around the ABQ this weekend and have some bad news for my fans in Florida. If you were looking to get the customized license plate "Kegel", sorry, it's been taken.