Only Real Men Work Out In Jeans

When it comes to fitness, I applaud everyone for doing whatever they choose to do to try to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Maybe it’s not my cup of tea, but I will always applaud the effort. I will also secretly judge everyone I come across, because inside, I’m a judgmental prick, and I simply can’t change that.

 

One of the ways that I judge people is when I see people working out without gym attire. I have seen it in the gym with guys wearing jeans and working out, and recently I saw a dude running in long ass cargo shorts; I couldn’t help but judge. 

 

But then I got to thinking. Maybe this isn’t a they problem, maybe this is a me problem. I mean, I’m a dainty little flower when it comes to my workout gear. I am very particular about what gym shorts are worthy as they have to be short and of very specific materials as to be both light, airy, and comfortable. I can’t have a baggy shirt on, because it just makes me feel off. I am not a tough man.

 

Meanwhile, these guys don’t give a shit. I’ve seen dudes doing squats in jeans and work boots, and you know why that is so awesome? Because I bet it just never occurred to him that he would need a change of clothes to go work out. He does his regular work in these clothes, so why wouldn’t he do his workouts as well? That is manly as shit.

 

And that guy running in cargo shorts? Do you think he had running shoes? Hell no. Dude had high-tops on. And do you think he wasn’t utilizing the cargo shorts? Come on, you know if you’re wearing cargo shorts, you’ve got keys, wallet, cell phone, checkbook, utility knife, flint, bottle of water, lighter, matches, umbrella, and a spare pair of underwear. He’s got all that rattling against his legs, and he’s just plowing forward like none of it is actually there. That’s a damn man right there. 

 

There are people I still judge though. That is people who wear polos while working out. Not only does everyone own a damn t-shirt, but there is a 100% chance that guy also came to the gym with way too much cologne on. That guy sucks.

Get Swoll During Social Distancing

Covid-19 has really brought out the extremes in people. You have people showing extreme caution and others being extremely stupid and helping the spread of the disease. You have people who are losing their minds while working from home and others who who are thriving in that situation. And you have people who are just laying around eating crappy food and getting fat because there’s nothing to do, and you have the people who are more active than ever, again, because there’s nothing to do.

I’m trying to increase my activity as I had recently found myself in a lull when it came to fitness. I haven’t been to a gym in years as I mostly do body weight exercises and just stay active any way I can, with help from the dog and toddler. But as my baby boy gets older, he’s probably going to tell other kids that his Dad can beat up their Dad, so I decided I needed to be as strong as possible to give the other Dad just enough doubt to not get into the fight before he ends up kicking my ass.

Initially, all I wanted was a pullup bar because pullups are manly and awesome. But decent pullup bars were like $50-$80, and that seemed a tad excessive to me. But then, something caught my eyes. Yes, it was about twice as expensive, but there was at least five times the exercises I could do with it. I had to have one (as long as my wife approved).

Luckily she did, and I had myself a POWER TOWER.

I also added some hand grips so the whole thing cost me about $125. I have a garage that I can throw the thing into, but if you don’t, it could easily take the spot of a living room chair, and you could have the meat(head) seat for anyone who wanted to blast through some reps while blasting through Tiger King episodes.

There are no weights with it, but you have all the weight you need with the magic of the human body. It’s got a pullup bar, pushup handles, dip handles, and you can do leg raises to crunch those abs. I added the handles so I could do inverted rows. There’s nothing special for shoulders, but all you need is a wall and you can do some handstand pushups. Just like that, your entire upper body can be shredded.

Everybody knows that you can’t make a muscle omelette without scrambling some legs. Legs ain’t complicated though. This machine has a spot for calf raises, and just do squats and lunges and your legs will be fine. This stuff isn’t complicated.

Slightly more complicated is putting the thing together. I would consider myself a novice handyman. If I have instructions, I can get it done, and I can consult my good friends at Youtube.com if I run into any issues. I definitely ran into issues. I put the thing together fairly easily, and it advised to let the nuts be loose until you get everything in place. I did that and most were easy to then tighten, but for some reason, the nuts at the bottom wouldn’t tighten because the screw just kept turning with it. I then had to put the fully built Power Tower on it’s back so I could get to those screws. But then I realized that they put rounded screws down at the bottom and my wrench was not going to hold onto that consistently despite my super manly grip strength. So I brought in some vise-grip pliers to help me with the job, and that definitely did the trick. I figured I should probably build this thing correctly if I planned on being in compromising positions with my entire body weight depending on it.

As I have told anyone who will listen when they ask what the best exercise is, it’s the one you enjoy doing, because that’s the only exercise that you will actually stick with. Now that I have a power tower, I can mix it up just enough in body weight exercises that I’ll be entertained for the foreseeable future.

Although COvid is what led me to this training, once I get jacked, I’ll be ready for Xvid.
There’s just one small perfectly average-sized problem that not even a Power Tower can fix.

Planet Fitness and the Hypocrisy of the Judgment Free Zone

I am moving, so I recently ended my gym membership. That membership was to a Planet Fitness. Many people like Planet Fitness, because it is $10 a month. Outside of that, there isn't much that stands about it in the positive sense. For me, it was less than a mile away, but I don't think they can guarantee that for all members. Still, the rules of Planet Fitness are the biggest bunch of hypocrisy in the fitness industry, and that's saying something.

Planet Fitness claims to be a "Judgment Free Zone." The whole reason of going to the gym is to judge others. I mean, yeah, you want to improve your own health, but let's be real here; you're only going to the gym to look and feel better so you can feel superior to all the average frustrated chumps out there. There is not a single person that I don't judge in the gym. The guy that weighs 50 pounds more than me and lifts 50 pounds less? Yeah, he's getting judged. The gal who is talking with her friend between sets instead of getting to work? Judged. Old ladies? Judged. Children? Judged. They are all judged in comparison to me, and not a single one measures up.

I realize this makes me an asshole when I go to the gym, but when I leave the gym, I can turn back into a fully-functioning adult. Planet Fitness tries to be high and mighty with their "Judgment Free Zone," but they are just as judgmental as me; they just add hypocrisy on top of it. Just look at this shit.

This sign is as judgmental as any sign that has ever existed. They even added an alarm to draw attention to their judgments and whether you fit in with what they have decided people should behave like at the gym. And this is not a gym etiquette thing where a patron is hurting others with their behavior; this could just be a guy trying to maximize his time in the gym. Nothing wrong with that. But let's break down everything that is judgmental about this sign:

Lunk
Well, that's a derogatory term for anyone. I don't think anyone wants to be a lunk, and name-calling sure seems judgmental. On the bright side, it is only one letter away from being a hunk, and that is a group that I have been a proud card-carrying member since birth. But is being a lunk enough to be called out, even by PF's own definition? I certainly think not. Here are their "crimes."

Grunts
Seriously? Sometimes you push yourself and you need to expel a little air in an intense matter. I feel like they would also frown upon you expelling air from another end, but that is something that I do with no remorse at the gym as well. If you've gotta fart, you can either hold it in and not get a good pump, or you can let it fly while gaining size.

Drops Weights
Now dropping weights is definitely a bad thing to do in the gym, but I see this happen far more often with people who don't know what they are doing than with so-called lunks. I'm all for idiots not being allowed in gyms, but this still seems awfully judgmental to me.

Judges
Wait, what? I'm only halfway through this sign, and literally the only thing that it preaches is to judge people who work out differently than your prescribed version of "normal." You literally created an alarm to draw attention to your judgments and shame those who do not fit your preconceived notion of what an acceptable workout is.

Rick 
Rick, it rhymes with Dick. Very clever, Planet Fitness. Still, this disparages Ravishing Rick Rude, and I just can't stand for that. 

Slamming His Weights
Slightly worse than dropping weights, which we have already discussed.

Wearing a bodybuilding tanktop
Do I find bodybuilding tanktops ridiculous? Of course I do, but that doesn't mean I don't support them, as I also find them hilarious. Nobody needs any more specialized gear beyond shoes, shorts, and shirt, and if you think you do, you're likely a moron. If you can manage to lift heavy weights, you can probably manage to lift the fabric of a t-shirt as well. Still, people wear all kinds of stupid shit to the gym, and I find it far less awkward to see somebody wearing a tanktop than I do when somebody comes cruising in with a big gulp and a pair of jeans.

Drinking out of a gallon water jug
Really? Is this worth taking a stand on? To judge someone for taking an extra step in staying hydrated? As long as they don't leave their water jug on equipment to prevent people from using them, I really can't find much fault with someone drinking a proper amount of water during their workout, and I feel like you'd have to be kind of a judgmental asshole to think otherwise.

And this is just one sign that hangs in a place that claims to be a "judgment free zone." It's not about being free of judgment. It's about being free of judgment as long as you conform to what they have determined to be "normal people" gym behavior. There are many dictators who have had similar beliefs. Planet Fitness has created a safe gym environment for its members, that is, as long as you're not a Lunk.

Join The Gym Before The New Year

Now that we are in the New Year, my gym is much more crowded. Since I am a gym curmudgeon who just wants to get his swoll on, this bothers me. Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's great that people are taking care of their bodies. Being healthy is an essential part to happiness, so good for them. This year, they really haven't gotten in my way, but I feel bad that they don't know what they are doing and look like they are going to hurt themselves. Stay safe out there, little buddies and buddettes.

Still, none of these people make me feel as uncomfortable the 60-year-old dude who wears toe shoes, black spandex shorts, a wife beater, headband, and workout gloves every day. Every single day. Dude is the Superman of bad workout fashion. Just visualize that...(shudders).

Um, what was the point of this? Oh yeah, join the gym before the new year so you can feel an air of superiority over your fellow gymgoer. That's really what the gym is all about. An exercise in vanity. Trust me, it's an incredibly satisfying feeling to know that you've been in the gym, putting in the work well before these people showed up.

Just imagine dropping pithy one-liners like this one, "It's clear that Santa got him a gym membership for Christmas."

Or, "Weird, I don't remember seeing that guy in 2015." You'll get mad chuckles.

Also, if you join in November, you can make hilarious remarks about the election. "Yo bro, did it really take Hulk Hogan (or whoever else might win the election) to encourage you to get in the gym?" It really sucks, but yes, you must use bro in your sentences, brah or braj are also acceptable.

Another good one is, "Clearly, all these people needed was a real American as president to encourage them to turn their life around. #Nobama #NoHope (and yes, you will have to say hashtag out loud for this to work)."

So for the sake of year-round gym goers, don't join in January. Beat the rush. That way the people like me won't look down on you as if we should have a private gym for our $10 Planet Fitness monthly fees. And even more importantly, stay away from spandex.