Suits Power Rankings - No Way Out

This is a TV show; people forget that.

And here we are, at the final episode of the season. It is amazing how little has happened. Harvey can't find a woman despite having an angel in his presence. Louis's only love is the law. Mike is still a lawyer. Rachel is still not a lawyer (thank God). Donna lives vicariously through others. Jessica straddles the bar of competence every episode. And Harold gonna Harold, ya'll. For a full recap of last week, you can check that out here, but now it's time to look at the season finale, where I pray to God something happens (Spoiler Alert: It does).

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is worried about everyone having a bad ticker since his heart attack. Still, he is able to ignore that fear long enough to help Harold as even though he is Harold's worst nightmare, he is also Harold's best lawyer. He may have been the strongest lawyer of the entire season, so bravo to him for stepping his game up.

2. Rachel Zane - Rachel has one thing on her mind throughout this entire episode, a Maserati. She made dinner for Mike, because he was about to get that big Wall Street check, but then he's just a lousy lawyer, making six figures, so she is pissed. She is jealous of Mike and Harvey's relationship, and she probably has every right to be. But in the end, she gets what she wants when Mike takes the new job. Vroom vroom, girl.

3. Harold Gunderson - Harold ain't no squealing bitch. He keeps his secrets like he keeps his swagger, on lock down. He lost his job, and that's bad, but I have a good feeling that things are about to open up for him. And yes, I will find any reason to rank Harold high. True players respect the game.

4. Jonathan Sidwell - He gets Mike to work for him, which just proves that he always gets his man (although I'm still disappointed he didn't get Brock Lesnar). Now he's got his eyes set on a true NYC Ass Kicker. That's right; Harold is coming. Get ready, bitches. He's about to turn the investment game on its head. Harold gonna Harold, ya'll.

5. Mike Ross - Mike gets into cars with strangers, which, shocker, does not turn out well for him. Shouldn't a lawyer know his rights? Also, he is in a relationship with somebody who keeps finding reasons to be mad at him, but Donna is his girlfriend's buddy, so she never brings that to Mike's attention. Anyway, Mike chooses Rachel over Harvey by taking the investment banking job, so that keeps him ahead of Harvey who chose Mike over Scotty.

6. Dana Scott - Scotty's always down for a good time, but Harvey oversells and underdelivers as he again does not take her out on the great date that she deserves. Selfishly, she would actually like to know whether her firm is breaking laws. She would also like her manpiece to communicate with her. These are her crimes. I already miss you, Scotty. Can't wait for your spinoff show with Andi from The Bachelor.

7. Harvey Specter - Harvey is sad about his relationship with Scotty, but he's still willing to throw it all away, because his relationship with Mike is way stronger. By the way, I'm scared to look, but there must be some pretty intense fan fiction where Mike and Harvey just bang each other all day long. Obviously Mike is the bottom of the relationship, but is he a power bottom? It's an interesting question, and I hope to avoid the answer. Harvey also ignored his lawyer smarts and decided to talk about all the ways that him and Mike broke the law while in a room under surveilance, which, uh, seems a tad irresponsible. But he broke the camera after talking about half of it, so good thing there was nobody on the other side of that two-way mirror. Finally, Harvey breaks up with Scotty and then gives Mike permission to go work for Sidwell, losing his true love interest.

8. Stephanie Liston - A rat who gives Donna information from the US Attorney's office. She doesn't even realize that she is Donna's token black friend. Still, let's try to break down the favor that she owed Donna for. She is black and her last name is Liston, so clearly, she is the daughter (possibly granddaughter) of Sonny Liston. Liston famously lost twice to Muhammad Ali. Since Ali's boxing career ended in 1981, it seems unlikely that she fixed the Trevor Berbick fight, but then Laila Ali got into boxing. She finished undefeated...in the boxing ring. But years later, she got into Dancing with the Stars and only took third place. Does Donna have the pull to fix Dancing with the Stars? If so, it's probably not that big of a deal that Steph gave her private information. But it was still stupid to have Donna fix the contest; nobody was beating Apolo Anton Ohno.

9. Eric Woodall - He is bald and ugly, so he has nothing but time to try to bring down Harvey using nefarious means. Trying to use the Patriot Act against Mike Ross but having no idea that Louis learned the Patriot Lock from Jack Swagger. He had no choice but to tap out.

10. Jessica Pearson - Her firm was nearly destroyed, and she responded by stepping up and...doing nothing. I guess she had looks of concern at different times, but I need her to step up and haul ass on fools. She is not an ass kicker, and that is why she is stuck in the minor leagues of big time law.

11. Donna Paulsen - Donna knows everything, and she is definitely going to hold that over your head for the rest of your life, but she's like totally a great friend. Still she helped Harvey and more importantly savd Quelling, which was the right thing to do, because incompetent lawyers should be able to practice law (And if in you're head, you are accusing me of just hating Donna for leading to Scotty's demise, you are probably 93% correct. I'm fine with it).

12. James Quelling - Nearly came to blows with Harvey, but anybody who goes toe-to-toe with Harvey and doesn't get dropped deserves to keep practicing law. Little known lawyer fact, half of cases are actually decided by shoving matches.

13. Allison Holt - Fired Harold Gunderson? This is indisputable evidence that gingers have no soul.

Suits Power Rankings: Week 2 - Blood in the Water

Well, this preview is late, and for that, I apologize, but what better way to get ready for an episode tonight than getting all caught up on last week's action? Who did the best lawyering last week? Well, that's what I'm here to answer, as I have an expert legal mind when it comes to dramatic lawyer shows that go over very little actual lawyering. I may not have a law degree, but I do have the Law & Order theme on my phone, so, yeah, I'd say I'm more than qualified.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey shows up on time for once, only to learn he may be losing a top internet client. Harvey is obsessed with not losing a client, because he may lose his client with the coolest name, Trent Devin.  Harvey is all up in Louis's face, because of all the stress throughout the firm. He calls him out for all of his shit, and makes Louis look like a real bitch. It's a classic power move, although it actually backfires on him as Louis is ready to leave the firm. After getting scolded by Jessica, he makes the least amount of effort possible to retain Louis, and Louis takes it as the greatest gesture ever. That's manipulation at its best. At its next best is convincing a client to let him look over the new deal, so he could prove that it was too good to be true. No losing clients for Harvey, although Jessica still won't put his name on the wall.

2. Jessica Pearson - She's all hot and bothered, and not in the good way, because the firm is losing clients. She actually showed some heart when Louis came to her looking for a way out. She reassured Louis and kept him in the firm by being nice, because even though she signed the sheet, she still hoped they could retain Louis. She made Harvey be nice to Louis, because he has to prove himself to get his name next to hers. She made a strong case for being number one this week, but she talked trash about Michael Jordan, and that is unacceptable.

3. Jimmy - He screwed over Pearson Hardman, got fired, and ended up with a better job. Now he's got an office, and his firm is taking people from his old employer. He's got enough money to buy Mike beers. Life is good for Jimmy. Even though he was kind of a scumbag back in the day, Jimmy is likable, and that's a good combination for lawyering. Plus, he now gets to work with Harold, which may be the greatest spinoff show of all time.

4. Harold Jakowski - He put in too much toner in the copier, but that was the least of his worries. His second biggest worry is that he did a kickass job on everything Louis asked him to do, but still got fired since they lost the client. Harold believes he would have been much better off had he known Mike at Harvard, but little does he know that he would have just had easy access to weed had that been the case.  His biggest worry was that he got a shark tattoo that looks like a manatee. Luckily, he got a job at another law firm. Don't ever stop Harolding, Harold.

5.Louis Litt - First he messed with Jessica Pearson, and now he is messing with Harold. This is not good kharma, which may be causing him to lose clients. He set up a meeting with the evil Allison Holt to try and jump ship. Unfortunately, he showed how worthless he was before asking for things, which is not the best negotiation strategy. He first aided Mike and helped him find the problem in the deal that was too good to be true for Trent's company. Although he left his resignation letter on the desk, it was impossible to believe in it. Louis is a dog that is just desperate for a bone, and Harvey gave him that by ripping up his resignation letter. Louis has now forgotten all the mean shit that everyone has done to him (some of it deserved) and is fully on board with Pearson Hardman.

6. Mike Ross - He starts the episode by vacuuming up all of his weed, which seems like a silly thing to do. They established that Harvey smokes weed last season, so there is a baseline for doing that. He's just acting emotional, because he slept with some dude's wife. He could have smoked some of that weed to take away from the pain of getting his ass kicked by Tess's husband.. A real lawyer would have tied him up in a rhetoric battle instead of a physical battle. He did save himself by getting Harold a new job, because Harold is the best.

7. Allison Holt - She's still an icy cold broad, who says she does her own thing, but Harvey and Jessica don't trust her. She gave Louis the hard sell on jumping ship, because he negotiated like a child. That was some good lawyering. Unfortunately, she got hardcore outlawyered by Harvey, and that's bad lawyering.

8. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN still has his name on the wall, WHAT!

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Donna Paulsen - She's on the ball on everything. Her acting a little bit scared makes Harvey scared. That's kind of wild that she literally can control Harvey's feelings. She is the puppet master. Make sure to get her coffee, because despite being all-powerful, she loves a good latte.