Suits Power Rankings - Enough is Enough

Another season of Suits is upon us (or second half of a season, it's tough to keep track), and as we enter this time, I think about what I like so much about Suits. Some people really like the lawyerin', and I have to admit there is some darn good lawyerin' going on. They basically never lose a case. Some people like it for the good looking people, and I have to admit, there are some pretty foxy ladies and some pretty fly dudes on this show. But for me, it's the side characters that make this show. Remember HARDMAN? HARDMAN was my jam. And then there's Scotty. She basically combined those three great things about the show in one single petite package, and Harvey is an idiot for letting her go. Finally, there's Harold. I loved Harold. I love Harold. I will never stop loving Harold. The bad news about this episode is there is an extreme lack of side characters, the good news is that one of the above people is mentioned and another shows up, and I hope that special princess never leaves us again (Weirdly, I could be talking about Scotty or Harold). Anyway, let's get on to the rankings.

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis finally has what he has always wanted: Name Partner. But Louis is finding out that it's lonely at the top, especially when you shit all over everyone who you were once friends with, because they wouldn't tell you their secrets. He wants to throw everyone in the garbage instead of opening his heart and letting the love inside. He got to shit on Mike for a while, but that wasn't good enough so he started shitting on Rachel to really stick it to Mike. That's just good lawyerin' on Louis's part as you have to attack your opponent's weakness. He was even nasty to Donna. Poor Donna, who has genuine affection for Louis has been shut out. That is still the relationship with the most hope as Donna told Louis that she had sex with Harvey once, which apparently is a question Louis wanted an answer to? Hey, nobody ever said Louis was an easy guy to explain. 

Also, he acts like a dick when getting announced as Name Partner. Why? Because he can. That's the best part of being a name partner. It's a real pain to change a firm's name. I mean, it's not like the place has a history of kicking out name partners...oh yeah, Pearson HARDMAN. Well, like they always say, history never repeats itself. Aw, crap; it's the opposite? Well, I'm sure everything will still work out for Louis despite him signing a document that says he should go to jail if anyone ever finds out about Mike Ross. 

2. Rachel Zane - Yes, Rachel did get lambasted by Louis, but she got her bae to take care of things. And when she wanted to get something done, she got the job done. She did a ton of paperwork, which isn't all that impressive. But she also got Katrina Bennett a job with her father. And most importantly, she got freaky on company time. Those are billable hours, which might make her a prostitute, but I will always respect the world's oldest profession as it shows good hustle.

3. Robert Zane - Zane is being set up as the big bad guy this season. He knows something is up at Pearson Specter Litt, but he isn't going to say anything? Yeah, I doubt that, especially when the thing that is up involves his daughter's bae. Outside of that, all we know is he loves to say "Come onnn" in a less rapey Bill Cosby sort of way.

4. Dana Scott - "SCOTTY IS BACK!" was the first thing that popped in my head when Harvey went to meet with her. And before I knew it, she was gone again leaving nothing behind but a promise to settle with Robert Zane. We'll miss you, Sweet Princess. Godspeed.

5. Jeff Malone - He knows that something is up. He hasn't seen a team this chaotic since that 88-89 Washington Bullets team that failed to make the playoffs despite his 24.6 points per game. He wants the truth from his lady, and even though she admitted to some shady dealings from her past, Jeff is still suspicious, like he's watching a magician levitate.

6. Katrina Amanda Bennett - Katrina was promised a job at Pearson Specter Litt, but she might have a job with Robert Zane. So I don't really know what she has going on, but it seems promising that she has some sort of job. As a frequently unemployed person, I feel good that she has a job. New York is expensive.

7. Harvey Specter - It was a pretty sad weak for Harvey. Even his inspirational story didn't quite make sense. He talked about how the conditioning drills were designed to break him, and he broke every day, but he never quit. Um...then the drills didn't break you. To break you, you would have had to quit. That's the essence of breaking someone. He then has to convince Scotty to settle her case as a favor to Robert Zane. He gets what he wants, but it's pretty clear that him and Scotty are never getting back together. Since Harvey is a single guy and he really wants to put Louis in his place, isn't the next move obvious? He MUST make a sex tape with Sheila Sass and show it at the next board meeting. Until he does that (or something else as awesome), he's going to have a hard time reaching the top of these rankings.

8. Jessica Pearson - For the lead dog at the firm, she sure seems to have to pick up a lot more shit than she leaves around the place. Louis gives her two big scoops of shit, and even though he is forced to ask like a civilized person in the end, it doesn't really make up for all the crap that Jessica had to take. Even Mike shit on her when she tried to make him do extra work. Also, she hired nearly an entire firm of dumb lawyers. Robert Zane heard about things from the outside and knew that something funky was going down at the firm, yet the only person not in the inner circle that suspected anything was Jeff Malone.  She is forced to tell a truth to her bae, but not the truth to her bae. As we know, lies to significant others never eventually blow up in people's faces.

9. Mike Ross - Mike was able to get Rachel to fall in love with him, but Louis is proving to be the muse that is beyond his charm. Luckily, the stress has helped him grow a pair of balls, so he stopped taking shit from Jessica for being a lawyer without a law degree. Unfortunately, his heroic effort to stick up for his lady just led to Louis putting him in his place as opposed to any change. He played by the rules, and even though Louis can no longer abuse him, I still can't put him high in these rankings.

10. Donna Paulsen - Donna tries to save her friendship with Louis by weirdly letting him into her sexual life, but luckily, not into her sexually. Donna is so wise, yet she does not understand that friendships with the opposite sex rarely survive as there is always one half that wants to have sex with the other. Again, I just want Donna to get a boyfriend. She deserves to find love.

Suits Power Rankings: This Is Rome

Today, I bid farewell to Suits, as last night was the Summer Season Finale. What actually happened last night? Not much, really. Harvey has all of his clients. Mike is a boy wonder. Louis is looking for work still. Oh, and Katrina got fired, although I have a sneaking suspicion that we may have not seen the last of her. Although Louis does not have a job, he is trying to become a name partner at Pearson Specter due to some leverage that he now possesses (we'll get into that later), but it made me think to do things a little differently this week. Instead of judging everyone's performance from last night, I am going to rank the 20 best possibilities for name partner at Pearson Specter. Since Jessica and Harvey are immediately eliminated, all you really need to know is that Harvey needs to get his legs into his punching if he is ever going to tap into his power potential, and Jessica probably would have been ranked number one, as I'm shocked she doesn't need a wheelbarrow for her enormous balls. For last week's rankings, click here. But now onto the rankings for potential name partner, in reverse order:

21. Amy - She doesn't have a last name, so she is immediately disqualified. 

20. Eric Woodall - He is going to jail, although it is not for the crimes he committed with Charles Forstman. No, unfortunately, Eric Woodall committed the worst crime of all: Not being handsome. That shit don't fly at Pearson Specter. 

19. Charles Forstman - I am currently reading The Divide, which is an incredible book about injustice when it comes to the wealth gap. Rich people don't go to prison, no matter what they do, so Forstman is definitely not going to jail. Still, I have to downgrade him as it seems like a significant step backwards in his career to join a law firm, when he does investments and has way more money than anybody at Pearson Specter. 

18. Jared Franklin - His numbers since becoming a name partner are very poor. He couldn't even get an interview at Pearson Specter. 

17. Robert Zane - Zane is best as a loner. If he scratches your back, he expects you to lick his butthole. He doesn't need partners, and Pearson Specter doesn't need him.

16. Katrina Bennett - Katrina's allegiances are to Louis. Unfortunately, if you want to make name partner, you need to pledge allegiance to yourself. She is out of a job for now, and something tells me she will not be bouncing from the halfway house to the penthouse suite.

15. Jonathan Sidwell - Although he does not have Forstman money, he still has a whole lot more than lawyers do. He's an investment banker, which means he has steak dinner when he is being frugal. He's too rich for Pearson Specter.

14. Walter Gillis - Has no law background, but he does have a lot of money. He is looking for a purpose, so I'm not sure if he would outright deny it. His money could bring in some high-profile clients, which definitely could add value to the firm. Still, he hates Harvey, I'm guessing he would hate Jessica, so he's probably good staying out of their business. 

13. Peter Bash - He is promising but constant surf trips would set a poor precedent for the rest of the firm.

12. Logan Sanders - I know what you're thinking. He also has so much money that he has no need to work at Pearson Specter, even if he was a name partner, but this is the ultimate power move to get Rachel back. He could immediately fire Mike Ross, because him and Jessica would outvote Harvey on the issue. Rachel could quit at that point, but considering that Pearson Specter agreed to pay for her tuition as long as she does continue to work there, she is basically stuck. Then it is just time to let the romance progress. Unfortunately, as far as I know, Logan is not any sort of lawyer, and he really brings no benefit to the firm, but it would be pretty sweet revenge for him if he could pull it off.

11. Sheila Sass - She broke Louis's heart, which definitely earns her bonus points with Harvey and Jessica as they are not huge fans of Louis after he tried to steal clients from them. But, ultimately, she's an Admissions Counselor. She is an Admissions Counselor who plays by her own rules, which I respect. If Harvey and Jessica ran a brothel, I think Sheila would be a great candidate for name partner, but at a law firm, she lacks the background necessary to succeed.

10. Donna Paulsen - Although she is an impeccable marksman, er markswoman, there are definitely some holes in her game. The lack of law degree is obvious, but the fact that Jessica threatens to fire her anytime is a suggestion is a much bigger hindrance. Although her and Harvey are very close, he likes to keep her a step below him, so he will keep her as his assistant to assert his power in their relationship.

9. Mike Ross - Jessica did hate him, but she did start to warm up to him a little bit. Obviously, Harvey would do backflips with this decision. He is definitely one of the top lawyers in the firm, so he has a lot of things going for him. Still, if he becomes a name partner, that is going to bring media attention, and that is just too big of a risk to take. He has a ceiling on his career as a lawyer, and name partner is far beyond that ceiling.

8. Michael Phelps - Refused to sign with Harvey, which takes tremendous balls. He did sign with another lawyer from the firm, but that lawyer has since left. I'm not sure if he is still with the firm, but anybody who says no immediately has Jessica's respect. The lack of a law degree hurts, but when they compete with other law firms in the big Judicial Swim Meet, they are sure to take first place. And yes, that is enough to give him a better shot at being name partner than Mike Ross.

7. Daniel HARDMAN - They tried this once before; it did not end well. But goddamn, HARDMAN was so awesome.

6. Rachel Zane - So Rachel isn't a lawyer yet, and she seems to not even be that good of an associate either, but she does have one huge advantage. People might think it was her Dad, which would probably help them sign clients. The business would be too embarrassed to backtrack once they found out the truth. Still, it seems unlikely.

5. Jeff Malone - So Jeff Malone came in like a total badass, but then he turned into a Real Munson. He's got to be this high as he somehow has Harvey's respect and Jessica's love. Also, now that he's a corporate lawyer, you just know that he puts on his business card, "The Mailman Always Delivers" even though he is the weaker of the Malone brothers. You're not Karl, Jeff, stop pretending to be. Despite all that, if Jessica and Harvey decided on their own to have another name partner, he's probably the lead dog, but that only makes him the most likely candidate, not the best.

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis had his balls chopped off for this entire season, so it was good to see him get his fire back for this final episode. He tried to get his clients by being nice, and then he tried stealing, but finally he had to resort to brute force, and luckily for him, he had the leverage to out power the people in his way. Louis finally figured out that Mike did not go to Harvard. He exploded on everyone in his path, and now he is hoping that his nuclear bomb leads nothing but peril, pain, and a partnership. Unfortunately, all that leverage does not even get him in the top three of possible candidates, but fourth is still a very strong showing. 

3. Dana Scott - Please. 

Pretty please. 

No? Okay, but still Dana Scott would be an incredible choice. Smart, sexy as all get out, and great lawyering experience. Had she not made Harvey one of her bangpieces, she might be number one, but she left that fool behind. Hence, no name partnership for her.

2. Sean Cahill - Obviously I have been singing the praises of Cahill all season and deservedly so. Cahill was the first person to compete against Harvey while not breaking the rules. He bent rules to the verge of their absolute breaking point, but he always managed to keep things clean. He earned Harvey's respect and left Jessica speechless. Clearly, they are enamored with this gentleman, and who could blame them? You know why large companies get away with whatever they want? Because they have a team of lawyers and nobody from the government wants to deal with that. Meanwhile, this Sean Cahill SOB doesn't just sue a large company, he sues a large law firm. You know what law firms are filled with? Lawyers. Cahill is like a honey badger in that he simply does not give a fuck. The balls on this guy, good lord. Plus, his tax fraud joke would kill at the Pearson Specter Cahill Christmas Party. He is everything you would want in a name partner. Well, everything except...

1. Harold Jakowski Gunderson- Harold. The number one answer is always Harold. 

Sounds like partnership material to me. Long live Harold. Oh, and sorry about your girlfriend, Mike, but Harold's gotta Harold.

Suits Power Rankings: Exposure

Suits is getting to the homestretch. Last week, Mike broke up with Rachel, but more importantly, he got back together with Harvey through Louis. It was basically a hotshot lawyer menage a trois. Unfortunately, Cahill is trying to be the figurative STD in this equation that mucks up all the beautiful love. Can these guys find their penicillin, or will they continue to have flare ups? Let's go to this week's rankings to find out.

1. Sean Cahill - Cahill gets a search warrant from his golf buddy to go after Pearson Specter's documents, but before he can find anything, it gets denied by the real judge. Still, Cahill has always stayed a step ahead of Harvey in that just when they think they have him, he comes up with a new plan to screw them over. Cahill has no fear, so he's not worried of never working as a lawyer again, as long as he can destroy Harvey in the process. It is a risk, but something tells me he will be able to find a little dirt while looking through the Gillis Industries deal.

2. Jessica Pearson - Jessica ain't worried about no bitch-ass search warrant, because she doesn't even know where the files are. She gives Mike no respect for his plan (probably because she had heard the same plan before), and I respect that. Mike is a pain in the ass, and if he had never come to the firm, well, she would probably be working for Edward Darby or Daniel HARDMAN, but she conveniently forgets all of that so she can shit on Mike. I respect her narrow outlook on the past.

3. Charles Forstman - Forstman doesn't give as hit about the IRS, SEC, or any other three letter combination you want to throw at him. It is clear that he is B1G all the way. All he does is terrible things, yet he keeps rising up through the ranks and people are lining up to throw money at him. And that hair, good lord, that hair. It's the hair of a champion. Champion, great hair, and bad person...oh my god, he's Steve Alford.

4. Rachel Zane - Rachel is now crashing on Donna's couch, and that apartment has weird powers. People who sleep there do not do well in having a social life. She makes Mike very uncomfortable until he's so uncomfortable that he just gives in and they move back in together. She risked a restraining order, but got herself a boyfriend. Good win for Rachel.

5. Mike Ross - Mike is not cool enough to pull of a soul patch, but he has his own office now. But with an office comes responsibilities, so now he has to do some real lawyerin'. That's tough to do since poor Mike keeps thinking about Rachel kissing Logan, but in his weird nightmares, he's involved in a triple kiss. His grandma is watching the entire thing, and he wants to stop but can't. Half of the time, Logan turns into Harold. It's so weird, and he can't focus on anything else because of it. I can't say I blame him. The good news is that Mike got credit for an idea that Jessica initially turned down when Harvey brought it up, and he was given credit for being a genius. This newfound genius helped him realize that he isn't going to find anyone hotter than Rachel, so he might as well make up and go home.

6. Katrina Bennett - Putting the moves on Mike with that sexy hug. She seems like the kind of go-getter that would be willing to kill off Rachel to get herself a man. I respect her gumption.

7. Harvey Specter - Harvey believes in "Ladies first," unless he's involved in which case it's "Harvey first." Gotta respect that. He's got his best buddy back, but Cahill keeps coming at him. Since he didn't do anything wrong, he is not too concerned about things, but he still keeps getting owned by Cahill, even when he thinks he's in the clear. It was a pretty lax week for Harvey.

8. Donna Paulsen - She slept with Harvey, and she's still in love with him. She had a date. He's a little bit of a couch potato...literally. It's just a Mr. Potato Head that she laid on her couch. At least he has a smile on his face as she recites Shakespeare.

9. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is on an emotional rollercoaster all week long with Cahill looking into the Forstman deal. It looks good, then bad, then good, then bad again, and eventually he has to confess to Jessica, as he is not willing to frame Harvey for the crime that he committed. Please bring back Harold, so Louis has somebody to shit on. He needs it.

Suits Power Rankings - One-Two-Three Go...

It's been a long time. Two whole months since the last season of Suits ended. Are they slowly getting us ready for this to be a year-round show? Oh God, I hope so. They could definitely fit in some Harold-based episodes if that was the case. We could see how Scotty's doing at her new firm. Life would be pretty grand. But anyway, Suits is back. Important things to remember: Harvey dumped Scotty, Mike dumped Harvey, Louis dumped Sheila, and Harold took a dump on the government investigators. So yeah, this show's the shit. Before we get started with the power rankings, I'd just like to point out that this season opened with everyone banging. Just going from scene to scene with different people getting their freak on. It was amazing. Now, onto the sexually charged rankings.

1. Mike Ross - Mike really struggled lately in these rankings. He just didn't have what it takes to be a consistent top performer, but that all changed with his new job. He started off slow when he thought he had a good deal, because it was going to make 30% profit? Ha, what a loser. That might be good in any business that has ever existed, but this is hedge funds, and that's only considered a single in this biz. Still, he had swagger. Even with those singles, he was willing to talk trash to both Harvey and Donna, because nobody makes fun of his vests without paying the consequences. Mike was hoping that Harvey would put Rachel hard to work on his proposal so he didn't have to go to the Daft Punk concert, but Harvey stayed one step ahead and gave her the afternoon off to give them enough time for dinner and a crappy concert. Old Mike would have took that, but new Mike is having none of it as he starts looking for new lawyers who are willing to go along with his big plan. Then Mike uses his heart of gold to convince Gillis that he is the man who should buy out his company. Mike crushed things this week. The only real issue was that Harvey is still coming, along with Logan Sanders's money and his golden dong (we'll get to that later).

2. Jessica Pearson - I thought Jessica didn't want to hire Jeff Malone, because Jeff was only her fourth favorite Malone athlete behind Moses, Karl, and obviously first place goes to Sam Malone. But it turns out that Jeff Malone has been giving her the business well before he wanted to join her business. She ends up hiring him and banging him, although the order gets a little blurry their towards the end. Still, good on her for getting some and finally making a diversity hire, so now somebody else can use her blacks-only bathroom.

3. Jonathan Sidwell - He doesn't give a shit about people's jobs. He cares about money. This is a hedge fund, not some bitch-ass law firm. But he also doesn't want to spend money to make money. He just wants the money to appear magically. It's a brilliant business plan if it works, and I might just implement it myself. Finally, he decides to give up a little money, but if he doesn't make a 6,000,000,000% profit, he'll be a little bummed out.

4. Logan Sanders - He wants to purchase Gillis Industries, just like Mike. He already rented something that Mike is currently trying to own when Logan banged Rachel while he was married, and he managed to do that before he got his shit together. I know that may make him seem like a bad dude, but what if Rachel was one of the five girls on his list that he was allowed to bang? Then he is just a guy playing within the rules. He also says a lot of cliches, and Harvey loves cliches.

5. Jeff Malone - He is a beast, a real hotshot at the SEC. He is using that to get a job at Pearson-Specter. Unfortunately, Harvey didn't vet him, because apparently it's some SEC that is based in New York, and not the South Eastern Conference. Jeff may be impressive, but he doesn't have that SEC speed, and even though he knows about offense, he needs to beef up his defense if he wants to compete against the Alabamas of the world. But he has an ace in the hole in that he's throwing it deep in Jessica, which is the best way to get a good opportunity in this job market.

6. Dana Scott - She's at her new job, likely trying to help her client who is trying to leverage their 4.9% share of Gillis Industries into buying the whole thing.

7. Donna Paulsen - She tried to convince Harvey to be nice to Mike, but she failed at that mission. She was right in the end, and Harvey even admitted it. That makes this the most exciting week in Donna's diary since she was sleeping with a war criminal.

8. Harvey Specter - He had a morning meeting, aka a bang session. Luckily he wasn't too tired to purposely ignore Mike's first big idea from his new job. Unofrtunately, things went downhill fast from there. Since he ignored that offer, it meant that Mike had to look for other lawyers, which led to Mike not taking priority when another client came in with the same idea. So now Mike is no longer his client, and he had to tell two women that they were right. It was a rough week for Harvey. At least he never called the girl before the girl called him.

9. Katrina Bennett - She finds out the same information as Louis. She also uses photoshop to make business cards for him. She does have a boyfriend, which leads me to...

10. Harold Gunderson - He is clearly Katrina's boyfriend. I can't believe they weren't a part of the bang montage at the beginning of the episode, but Harold gonna Harold, ya'll. Oh, and I'm going to guess that he's also trying to help his client buy Gillis Industries.

11. Rachel Zane - She is Harvey's new associate, and she has yet to figure out how to be clever around him. She got to go see Daft Punk, but Mike had a bad attitude, so she did not "Get Lucky." The good news is that she did bang a married guy, but sadly, she did it before he got his head on straight, so she banged him while he was still a loser instead of the CEO to a billion dollar corporation. That's not a good look on you, Rachel. Not a good look at all.

12. Louis Marlo Litt - Drinking prune smoothies (Prunies) to keep up that geriatric energy. He decided to wait for the pretty girl (Harvey and Jessica) to call him for the first time in his life, and that girl ended up taking someone else to Prom (Handle the case that is being built by the SEC). His dreams of becoming a name partner appear to be getting a busy signal.

13. Walter Gillis - Walter is the most easily convinced human being on the planet. He doesn't want to sell his distribution plants until Mike offers him something larger than what he expected. 30 seconds later, they're sold. He doesn't want to sell the whole thing, until 90 seconds later, and now he's game to give it up, because Mike brought up a bunch of dead people. I wish Walter was real. I'd just start naming dead presidents and could probably walk out with a million dollars. 

Suits Power Rankings - No Way Out

This is a TV show; people forget that.

And here we are, at the final episode of the season. It is amazing how little has happened. Harvey can't find a woman despite having an angel in his presence. Louis's only love is the law. Mike is still a lawyer. Rachel is still not a lawyer (thank God). Donna lives vicariously through others. Jessica straddles the bar of competence every episode. And Harold gonna Harold, ya'll. For a full recap of last week, you can check that out here, but now it's time to look at the season finale, where I pray to God something happens (Spoiler Alert: It does).

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is worried about everyone having a bad ticker since his heart attack. Still, he is able to ignore that fear long enough to help Harold as even though he is Harold's worst nightmare, he is also Harold's best lawyer. He may have been the strongest lawyer of the entire season, so bravo to him for stepping his game up.

2. Rachel Zane - Rachel has one thing on her mind throughout this entire episode, a Maserati. She made dinner for Mike, because he was about to get that big Wall Street check, but then he's just a lousy lawyer, making six figures, so she is pissed. She is jealous of Mike and Harvey's relationship, and she probably has every right to be. But in the end, she gets what she wants when Mike takes the new job. Vroom vroom, girl.

3. Harold Gunderson - Harold ain't no squealing bitch. He keeps his secrets like he keeps his swagger, on lock down. He lost his job, and that's bad, but I have a good feeling that things are about to open up for him. And yes, I will find any reason to rank Harold high. True players respect the game.

4. Jonathan Sidwell - He gets Mike to work for him, which just proves that he always gets his man (although I'm still disappointed he didn't get Brock Lesnar). Now he's got his eyes set on a true NYC Ass Kicker. That's right; Harold is coming. Get ready, bitches. He's about to turn the investment game on its head. Harold gonna Harold, ya'll.

5. Mike Ross - Mike gets into cars with strangers, which, shocker, does not turn out well for him. Shouldn't a lawyer know his rights? Also, he is in a relationship with somebody who keeps finding reasons to be mad at him, but Donna is his girlfriend's buddy, so she never brings that to Mike's attention. Anyway, Mike chooses Rachel over Harvey by taking the investment banking job, so that keeps him ahead of Harvey who chose Mike over Scotty.

6. Dana Scott - Scotty's always down for a good time, but Harvey oversells and underdelivers as he again does not take her out on the great date that she deserves. Selfishly, she would actually like to know whether her firm is breaking laws. She would also like her manpiece to communicate with her. These are her crimes. I already miss you, Scotty. Can't wait for your spinoff show with Andi from The Bachelor.

7. Harvey Specter - Harvey is sad about his relationship with Scotty, but he's still willing to throw it all away, because his relationship with Mike is way stronger. By the way, I'm scared to look, but there must be some pretty intense fan fiction where Mike and Harvey just bang each other all day long. Obviously Mike is the bottom of the relationship, but is he a power bottom? It's an interesting question, and I hope to avoid the answer. Harvey also ignored his lawyer smarts and decided to talk about all the ways that him and Mike broke the law while in a room under surveilance, which, uh, seems a tad irresponsible. But he broke the camera after talking about half of it, so good thing there was nobody on the other side of that two-way mirror. Finally, Harvey breaks up with Scotty and then gives Mike permission to go work for Sidwell, losing his true love interest.

8. Stephanie Liston - A rat who gives Donna information from the US Attorney's office. She doesn't even realize that she is Donna's token black friend. Still, let's try to break down the favor that she owed Donna for. She is black and her last name is Liston, so clearly, she is the daughter (possibly granddaughter) of Sonny Liston. Liston famously lost twice to Muhammad Ali. Since Ali's boxing career ended in 1981, it seems unlikely that she fixed the Trevor Berbick fight, but then Laila Ali got into boxing. She finished undefeated...in the boxing ring. But years later, she got into Dancing with the Stars and only took third place. Does Donna have the pull to fix Dancing with the Stars? If so, it's probably not that big of a deal that Steph gave her private information. But it was still stupid to have Donna fix the contest; nobody was beating Apolo Anton Ohno.

9. Eric Woodall - He is bald and ugly, so he has nothing but time to try to bring down Harvey using nefarious means. Trying to use the Patriot Act against Mike Ross but having no idea that Louis learned the Patriot Lock from Jack Swagger. He had no choice but to tap out.

10. Jessica Pearson - Her firm was nearly destroyed, and she responded by stepping up and...doing nothing. I guess she had looks of concern at different times, but I need her to step up and haul ass on fools. She is not an ass kicker, and that is why she is stuck in the minor leagues of big time law.

11. Donna Paulsen - Donna knows everything, and she is definitely going to hold that over your head for the rest of your life, but she's like totally a great friend. Still she helped Harvey and more importantly savd Quelling, which was the right thing to do, because incompetent lawyers should be able to practice law (And if in you're head, you are accusing me of just hating Donna for leading to Scotty's demise, you are probably 93% correct. I'm fine with it).

12. James Quelling - Nearly came to blows with Harvey, but anybody who goes toe-to-toe with Harvey and doesn't get dropped deserves to keep practicing law. Little known lawyer fact, half of cases are actually decided by shoving matches.

13. Allison Holt - Fired Harold Gunderson? This is indisputable evidence that gingers have no soul.

Suits Power Rankings - Know When to Fold 'Em

What happened last week? Well, I used an analogy where UConn won the National Title, and then it came true. Meanwhile Louis had a heart attack and lost his girlfriend while Harvey kept busy by rising to the top of the rankings. The hottest relationship on the show could be on the rocks. No, not Scotty and Harvey and definitely not Mike and Rachel, but Mike and Harvey as the protege may be joining the dirtbag world of investment banking. It's time to look at this past episode.

1. Jonathan Sidwell - He doesn't want someone who is in it for the money, he wants a certified ass kicker. Mike turned him down for the job, but he has a list of a dozen candidates that are certified ass kickers. On the top of his list? That's right; Brock Lesnar. That is why he is the clear number one this week.

2. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis has a broken heart, but he manages to find a solution to Jessica's problem in 15 seconds of looking at the papers, despite saying he would be worthless about 30 seconds before that. That's a flip flop but still some good lawyering. Plus, he managed to skip work for a few days with nobody noticing. Sadly, with all the incompetence that was spreading around the office, that is enough to get him the number two spot this week.

3. Dana Scott - Scotty is rightfully pissed that Harvey keeps a ton of secrets from her and won't give her any information. She has a backbone, which is apparently a poor quality in a female according to Donna (we'll get to her later, much later). If Harvey dumps Scotty, it will not be a loss for Scotty.

4. Harold Gunderson - He's coming.

5. Mike Ross - Mike is afraid of change, so he keeps trying to find people to tell him the answer. He even tries to get more money and better benefits from Sidwell, but Johnny Sizzle sees right through that plan. Finally, he makes the decision to become a hedge fund manager, until two hours later when he flips and becomes a lawyer. Also, he is now in the bar computer system, so all is well in the world, except he must still live in constant fear and he can never get credit for his work. But other than that, things are good.

6. Harvey Specter - Harvey is a big baby when it comes to his relationship, as he has more flip flops than a sorority. Then, he tells Mike to take the job despite him really wanting him to stay. He's basically a turd throughout the whole episode. You could say that his shining moment was beating Quelling in poker, but he he actually gave Quelling more ammunition to come after Mike and Harold. Luckily, he gets bailed out by Mike and his little buddy decides to stay a lawyer.

7. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is not a very competent executive. She gave a job to Katrina to get to Louis and got information back from Katrina but believed it was Louis and never tried to talk it out with him. She was made to look like an idiot from shoddy lawyering from Katrina, but then Louis fixed everything in 15 minutes, so now she doesn't have to pay Charles Van Dyke anything. I guess things worked out, but she did not show a high level of competence in this situation.

8. Charles Van Dyke - Charles used to be a partner, but now he wants to get paid more. He outlawyered Super Louis but couldn't handle Regular Louis. He's an old dog in a young pup's game. It's time to put him out to pasture.

9. James Quelling - Quelling showed flashes of being a good lawyer, but he couldn't get the job done. He is in heavy debt and looking to cash in with some good old-fashioned blackmail. He gets punked out in poker, but he manages to spend one night to discover something that nobody else could figure out to try to screw over Mike Ross. Then he loses again, because gamblers always lose or something, unless they are Harvey, in which case they always win. I'm not sure if I learned a lesson on this one.

10. Katrina Bennett - She has to cover for Louis. She has to beg Rachel for help, and they team up with a super Louis. They obviously screwed the pooch by not looking deep enough into the books. Then she got her ass fired. Of course she was rehired a few hours later for her stupid loyalty.

11. Rachel Zane - She is trying to fill Mike's head with lies about Harvey so she can get that investment banking money. She also tried to play the role of lawyer again and failed miserably. I think Harvard made a very good decision by not admitting her.

12. Donna Paulsen - Donna was THE WORST in this episode. She gives an impassioned speech to make Mike reconsider taking the job to protect Harvey and basically stop Mike from having a better life. Then she gives an impassioned speech to Harvey about not telling Scotty about Mike where she somehow makes Harvey the victim in his and Scotty's relationship. She's basically an insane person who is still in love with Harvey. She pulled off some Mean Girls shit this episode, and when you mess with Scotty, you mess with me, and the only way I can extract revenge on fictional characters is by putting them low in my weekly rankings. So take that, Donna, you're in last place.

Suits Power Rankings - Endgame

Last week, Harold came back and Harvey beat up Stephen. Now that they finally figured out the rights to Mikado, it is time to focus on smaller cases, like murder charges. There was one big case, as Louis went toe-to-toe with Harold, but we'll get to that later. Check out last week's rankings here, now onto this week of murder, betrayal, and rope climbing:

1. Jessica Pearson - Uses the Hessington Oil case to get out of their merger with Darby, if they can win the trial. Jessica brings over a bottle of booze to rebuild her and Harvey's relationship. And she uses her knowledge of their relationship to expose Cameron and Darby to do what she wants. She is getting her firm back, and she's clearly a pretty boss lawyer, as Darby had no choice but to stop practicing law in the United States with his plea deal. Jessica is back in charge and not taking shit from anybody. She won her firm, won the case, and probably just filled up that fancy bottle of booze with well whiskey that she obtained from Buckshots in Austin, Texas.

2. Cameron Dennis - Cameron does go after bad guys, but he needs proof from Harvey before he is going to do him any favors. It's always nice when a lawyer actually uses logic. He ends up putting bad guys away and winning. He still couldn't turn that into a partnership with Pearson Specter, but hey, a guy's gotta try. Cameron's love to win was definitely going to carry over to his celebration that night, and the lucky thing for the ladies is that in Cameron's Mustache Rides, everyone's a winner.

3. Harold Gunderson - Oh shit, he's back again. Louis tries to yell at him, but Harold grew a backbone, used some valid lawyer reasoning and straight up owned Louis. He then sues one of Louis's companies, just to rub Louis's face in it. Louis then thought he put Harold in his place, but Harold pulled one over on him. It was just nonstop ownage. Louis was trying to end Harold's career, but Rachel reasoned with Louis, so Harold got everything he wanted. I will be shocked if he is not given another chance at Pearson Specter. The only real question is whether they will change the name to Pearson Specter Gunderson. Harold gonna Harold, ya'll.

4. Donna Paulsen - She got her heart broken, but she gets to be the arresting officer for Stephen Huntley, so that's pretty cool.

5. Harvey Specter - Harvey found out that Stephen is a murderer, but he has no proof, so that is kind of an issue, except every person at Pearson Darby sees how clear the evidence is, but their proof is not law proof, so they must find proper law proof, you know, for the law. He calls Stephen to the witness stand. He starts getting somewhere, but the judge said he was on a short leash, and instead of pulling a Peter Bash and being arrested for contempt, he backs off like a real life lawyer. So everything completely blows up in his face. Still, him and Jessica come up with a plan to get Darby to bury Huntley, and they are barely able to hide their glee as Darby falls for it.

6. Mike Ross - Mike goes undercover to hang out with Mariga. He tries to use scare tactics on Mariga, but nobody like Mariga will ever be scared of a Mike Ross. After dealing with Mariga, being confronted by Harold barely altered his stride as he went on to the murder trial. Mike gets Clifford to help him, because Mike broke the law to get him out. If there is one thing this show has taught me, it is break the law all the time. Because if you do, somebody will owe you, and you can get a huge favor from them down the line. I can't wait to guilt trip my friends into killing someone for me, because I once ran a red light to get them food from McDonalds when they were really drunk. After winning the murder trial, Mike decides to sex Rachel after Harvey turns him down (this really happened).

7. Harold's Mother - Always so happy as she watches him work.

8. Rachel Zane - Rachel reasons with Louis early on, but that's a losing battle. Finally, she puts him in his place for being a bully to Harold. Why did she stick up for Harold? Let's just say that Mike isn't the only guy that she mixed business and pleasure with, except Harold dumped her when she tried stalking him. It got really bad. Finally, he changed his last name from Jakowski to Gunderson to avoid the harassment. Mystery solved.

9. Ava Hessington - Ava might be put in prison for murder, and she's not real happy about it, especially since she used to be Darby's pretend girlfriend, so Darby could use his power bottom to get some of that Papa Hessington Man Oil. Justice prevails in the end, but she still wasn't real happy. Lighten up, lady.

10. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is back to abusing associates again, but that is only because he misses his true love, Mikado. Louis breaks into Harold's office and gives him the truth on why Harold got fired. This, of course, backfires, as Harold sues one of his companies. Finally, after Harold owns him a few times, Louis stops making it about business and starts making it personal to ruin Harold's career. Then we find out that he only did this, because he couldn't climb the rope in gym class, and Harold was actually an Olympic rope climber, but he would never show Louis the secret.

11. Edward Darby - Darby is a coward, because he didn't want to know how Stephen got things done for Hessington Oil. Then he lost the Pearson side of the merger, because he had to keep Ava out of jail for pretending to be his girlfriend during his gay sexcapades.

12. Stephen Huntley - Darby fires Stephen, because, yeah, murder is not good. But even worse, Harvey's fists apparently caused Stephen to get pink eye, so good luck picking up chicks with that. Still, Stephen does give a pretty good line to Jessica and Harvey when he says, "I don't give threats; I give warnings...you've been warned." He then declined to answer a bunch of questions and made Harvey look like a bitch. Still, he decided to hang around the United States where he has no family, no friends, and no job. This gave the local police enough time to arrest him for murder. Whoopsies.

13. Colonel Mariga - Mariga is a wise man who is not intimidated by Mike. He then lies on the stand, because Mariga got paid, made, and as long as he doesn't get caught, laid. They never address that the new deal probably means that he is going to be sent back to his home country and murdered. For all of the talk about how they didn't want to see someone get killed, they seem totally fine with this guy probably going through some hellacious torture before he is killed. I don't think he'll be making another appearance on these rankings. 

Suits Power Rankings - She's Mine

Obviously, this was the biggest episode of the season in my mind, because we had a very special guest appearance. But as special as that man is to me, it still was not enough to get him up to number one, because shit went down this week and there was some incredibly strong lawyering. We found out about the murder, there was a fight, and Rachel got to do some lawyering. So, yeah, people had strong weeks. You can check out last week's here, and now onto this very special edition of the Suits Power Rankings:

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey threatens beating up Huntley, because nobody messes with Harvey's case. But Harvey decides to skip out on being managing partner, because he's over it. Harvey can't reason with Jessica, because she's still pretty butthurt at Harvey over his betrayal and effort to take her job. I wish these two could just sit down and Harvey could end all this with a simple, "Playa's gotta play, ya know?" Harvey may not become managing partner, but he may get out of the merger. He then finds out about Huntley's evil doings, and he goes and kicks his ass, just like he threatened to do. The thing I enjoyed the most about their fight scene is their willingness to work the body. I mean, yes, you could hit a liver shot and put someone out, and since they are inexperienced, maybe knock the wind out of your opponent, but body shots are really there to wear down someone. I really enjoy that in Harvey's rage, his fighting strategy was still designed for 12 rounds. Also, his hair still looked marvelous.

2. Rachel Zane - Rachel is helping Louis steal Mikado and she is finally going to get to be a lawyer. Yes, it is only in a mock trial, but it's still real to her, damnit. She kicks ass in the case and shows that she has what it takes to be a great lawyer. Luckily, Columbia agrees, as she is going to law school. Looks like somebody read my review last week and learned that there were law schools on the east coast as well as the west coast. Yes, she may not be working on murder trials, but some would argue that cat possession cases are to mock trials what murder is to real trials. Also, Mikado even likes her, and he usually hates strangers. Maybe Rachel should be Mikado's owner.

3. Mike Ross - He thinks that Harvey may have trouble fighting Huntley, because Huntley plays rugby. Little does he know that if Huntley messes Harvey's hair, Harvey basically turns into The Incredible Hulk. Mike reasons with Jessica that she is going after Nick, because she's mad at Harvey. Mike uses his photographic memory to learn all of Cameron's secrets, and they find out that Nick Howell is not as dumb and innocent as he looks. This actually isn't his biggest discovery, because it turns out Nick was just shady, not guilty. He found out that Huntley and Mariga used to play rugby together and that Huntley ordered the murders. Also, I would have really liked to see this scene as Mike visits Rachel's apartment:

Mike: You are not going to believe the day I had.
Rachel: Oh, me too. You go first.
Mike: Due to some nifty investigation, I found out that Huntley is the guy who ordered the murders.
Rachel: Oh, wow, that's crazy. Almost as crazy as what happened to me. They called in Harold on the cat case to try to destroy Louis's credibility, but I turned it around and ended up getting Louis control of the associates again. Lawyering, AMIRITE?
Mike: Are you comparing your mock trial cat custody case to my real-life murder trial?
Rachel: You just can't stand me being a successful lawyer in a big time case. Why can't you just be happy for me?
Mike: (stunned silence)

So, nice lawyering, Mike. Not as nice as your girlfriend's, but still nice.

4. Harold Gunderson - HOLY SHIT! Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. OH MY GOD. Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God. That was literally all I could do while fanning myself down when Harold showed up. It's always good to see an old friend. I was also really hoping we would find out how he got a new name, but that was unfortunately not the case. But Harold comes back to testify that Louis is an awful parent in the Mikado case. Harold has scars on his psyche. He is also the Michael Vick of catsitting. Louis's incompetence was brought up in court to discredit him. He failed to deliver a motion to court, because of inclement weather. He gave the strategy of their case to opposing counsel, because he thought it was part of disclosure. He left a zero off the Hopkins settlement, but Louis covered for him and saved them $900,000. Even though he hates Louis and he wasn't under oath, he still told the truth about Louis's love for cats, because Harold is a man of honor. Also, despite everything, Harold still has a kickass job at another law firm. Everything's coming up Harold, baby!

5. Cameron Dennis - Finally has a case, as the Colonel is the perfect witness to prove Ava Hessington is guilty. This is the most shocking turn of events ever. Not the Colonel part, but just that Cameron has a case. This is like a guy going after a girl way out of his league, her telling him he has no chance, but not giving up. He tries, again and again, and even drunk, she's like, "sorry, not happening." But he just keeps trying, and maybe some PUA dropped a roofie in her drink, but Cameron at least has a chance to finally close the deal. Still, it's not over yet.

6. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is doing everything he can to keep Mikado, because it's his best friend. Louis doesn't have time to learn Chinese, because he's too busy preparing for a cat mock trial. Louis is going to have Rachel help him in order to keep his love, and yes, we are still talking about Mikado. But Louis does have one other love, and that is fostering the growth of the associates. It may be tough love, but he agrees to a settlement that gives Mikado to Nigel while he takes back over in leading the associates.

7. Colonel Mariga - Is just loving life. He's killed; he's cool with it, and sometimes he took money for it. Also, he's had phone conversations with Ava, which gives him a hearty laugh. "It's good to be Colonel Mariga" is what he thinks as he lays his head on the pillow and drifts into slumber at a five star hotel.

8. Jessica Pearson - Jessica got over her hissy fit and is taking over the firm again, but she is taking her anger at Harvey against Ava. She uses that anger to go after the assistant, Nick, because he's a tool. She was more wrong than right, but it got them closer to the final answer. Also, she now wants out of the merger, which, um, seems like a difficult thing to reverse. I am pretty sure Darby was smart enough to make the all important note in the document of "No take backs," but I guess we'll see.

9. Edward Darby - Darby is as cool as a cucumber, as everything works out for him. This is a man who power-bottomed his way to the top, so he's not afraid of a little pressure. (Sidenote: I believe the previous sentence may be the best thing I have ever written in my entire life).

10. Nigel Alexander Nesbitt - Put a tracking device on Mikado, because he sees Mikado as a possession. Nigel gets pressured into a mock trial and has to defend himself, because the associates aren't good enough to win his case. He found Harold to testify against Louis, but even that backfired against him. Finally, he had to make a settlement, give up the associates to get back his precious Mikado. It was a win-win for both sides.

11. Mikado - Needs her special milk and needs special love. She truly is a wondrous feline, one that will be spending her life with Nigel.

12. Donna Paulsen - Donna thought that Stephen was perfect, but Harvey let her know that he shits the bed, and sadly, that is not his worst quality. Donna caught Stephen lying to her, which hurt her both professionally and personally. That is also not his worst quality. Stephen made her cry, so Harvey goes and beats him up to defend her honor. I feel like Donna is the type of person who can take a step back and admire that she has two men fighting over her honor.

13. Ava Hessington - Ava had a phone call, but she didn't think that was important. If she was a dude, nobody would be surprised that she forgot about a phone call; they would have just been happy that she was fully dressed, but since she's a lady, she's expected to remember everything like a gossiping teenager.

14. Nick Howell - Ava's assistant who had some shady things going on, but none of them were murder. Despite stabbing Ava in the back, he still seems shocked that they may try to convince a jury that he called for the murders. He is completely unlovable, basically the anti-Harold.

15. Stephen Huntley - Not only does Huntley play the piano, he also plays rugby. Unfortunately when he's not doing those activities, he's messing up Ava Hessington's case like a poor man's Harold. But he wasn't doing it because of incompetence, he was doing it because he ordered the murders. Since he hurt Donna, Harvey confronts him in the bathroom, because at Pearson Darby Specter, if people aren't in their office, they are usually washing their hands after a good shit. Seriously, people are always found in the men's bathroom at the sink. What would Harvey have done if he was at a urinal or on the can? Would he wait? Would he punch a guy with his dick in his hand. Would he kick down a stall door? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Anyway, Stephen gives Harvey a good fight, but is left laying on the bathroom floor when it's all said and done. On top of this, he lost his arrangement with Donna, so he'll be stuck calling a New York City Hooker. Not the prostitute kind, the rugby kind, because he likes to get on the pitch when he's not getting laid.

Suits Power Rankings - Unfinished Business

Last week, Harvey and Mike got back together, and you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. Will they or won't they? They won't; Harvey is out of Mike's league, even moreso than Rachel. Still, they teased about a new hotshot British lawyer coming in and dominating Harvey, so all I will be thinking throughout this entire episode is, "America: Love it or leave it." For last week's rankings, click here, but now onto this week.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey gets Louis's help on Hessington Oil. He thinks that Ava is a murderer, but that doesn't matter, because all he cares about is winning. Harvey is able to negotiate $1 in bail for Ava. Of course he dated Elizabeth Hurley in 1998, her best year. He then buddies up with the new hotshot from England, because Harvey can benefit from his presence. Harvey rips Katrina a new one, because she made a funny video. This is the proper reaction, because making stupid videos is not a valuable use of company time. He has to keep her around for now, because of their deal, but she has made her a worthless cog in a machine. He wins the case with Ava despite him thinking that she was guilty. He then tells Mike of his master plan to take over the firm. Overall, everything's coming up Specter right now.

2. Stephen Huntley - He is Darby's fixer, and he's trying to merge the two sides culturally. He was a pathetic loser who dated Elizabeth Hurley in 1999. Then he finally tells Harvey that he is actually in town to help him take over the firm from Jessica. This disarms both Harvey and me, as my patriotism takes a back seat to just plain liking the guy. He then helps Harvey win back Ava, because he is just there to help. He macks on Donna by driving fancy cars and talking about theater, and his seduction skills, much like his lawyering, is on point.

3. Ava Hessington - She is recruiting Harvey to be number two, but those plans have to be put on hold while she gets charged for murder. She then wants Harvey to bribe people, because this woman solves all of her problems with bribes. I want to stand in front of her on the sidewalk; she will probably give me $10,000 just to move. But seriously, this lady is obsessed with whether people think she is a murderer, as she asks everybody repeatedly, even though everybody responds that it does not matter. Still, she gets away with murder, literally, so props to her for that.

4. Donna Paulsen - Donna forgives Rachel. Then she gets the hots for Huntley and found out he has a suite for a month, so she'll have a proper place to shag him. She acts tough on the outside, but she is feeling juicy on her insides. Nothing wrong with a lady getting herself some. Good for you, Donna.

5. Harold (Jakowski) Gunderson - His last name used to be Jakowski, but Mike now calls him Harold Gunderson. Did he get gay married? Did he get married to a lady and take her name? SO MANY QUESTIONS. Anyway, he helped set a murderer free by going behind his boss's back. That was a baller move. Still, we didn't actually get to see him. Come back, Harold.

6. Mike Ross - Mike grills Ava, and she does not like it one bit. Mike really just wants to be loved by his boss. Mike gets some good info on Cameron that gets Ava a chance at bail. Katrina made a funny video about him, and he responds by trying to photoshop a bad picture of her. That is what really killed him in these rankings, because he was incredibly strong in every other aspect of this episode. When he's not working with Adobe, he does find a way for Ava to legally bribe people, and they win the case thanks to that and calling in a favor to Harold.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Does a masterful comparison between non-dairy creamer and Mike, because they both try to be real but are in fact fake. Louis goes to origami festivals and wants an associate to be his mentee and share those wonderful moments with. He picks Katrina, because of the funny video she sent. That is a big downgrade for him.

8. Rachel Zane - Rachel uses jokes to win back Donna, and she also smooths things over between Donna and Mike. She was involved in the photoshop fiasco, because she used a fake profile to become friends with Katrina and find a bad picture of her. Congratulations, you dodo.

9. Jessica Pearson - She messed up by insisting that Harvey take the deal, so it is pretty much her fault that Ava is charged by murder. Then she needs Harvey to look into Stephen, and he does but does not tell her the truth. She acts cocky about never losing a client, but she is currently getting played like a fiddle.

10. Cameron Dennis - Charges Ava with murder. This means that he totally owned Harvey throughout this entire case, because he set them up and it worked perfectly. He also stalks Harvey as he seems to find him anytime he has a meal at a restaurant. Finally, Harvey will win the case with bribes that Cameron can do nothing about, so it appears that he is finally done and has officially lost to Harvey. Cameron let someone get away with murder, and he is still not the lowest person on this list. That honor goes to...

11. Katrina Bennett - Katrina tries to help out Louis, but Louis shoots her down immediately. So then she tries to bring her information to Harvey, but Mike and Donna catch her and make her get the hell out of everyone's business. Poor Kat; she just wants to be accepted by the firm. When Mike won't accept her, she sends a funny video of him to the entire office. Yes, she seriously did that. Like, I am not joking, this really happened. She then uses this stupid video to become Louis's best bud, and this plan works. Ugh, she is basically The Miz, only in Suits form. Katrina is now the worst. 

Suits Power Rankings - I Want You To Want Me

Things are heating up over at Pearson Darby. So hot, in fact, that Edward Darby spent the entire week in England, making love to the stable boy. But hey, I got no beef with a man getting his, it just won't be enough to get him on the Suits Power Rankings. Is Harold back? Not yet, but it was still a very strong episode with sports references and a new number one. For last week's rankings, click here.

1. Mike Ross - Mike was really working hard to get a hug from Rachel. The man made up a fake dead dog. It makes me wonder what lengths this man is willing to go to for sex. I wouldn't be surprised if he hired a hobo to kill off a cousin to get some sexual healing. He helps out Louis on an Imminent Domain case but those cases are impossible to win. They tried to use Moneyball to win the case (obligatory sports reference), but Mike forgot that the A's never won the World Series, so they lose their case. But then they get the judge to open up the case for no real reason and they don't even need to go to court to win it. People on Suits never go to court to do their real lawyering. As someone with a Harvard Law t-shirt, I can vouch that this is how the big dogs do it. Oh yeah, and Mike also gets naked with Louis instead of getting naked with Rachel. So how the hell is he in the number one spot? Well, he seduced Louis, only to break his heart to get back with his love, Harvey. And on top of that, he put Rachel in her place by telling her that her opinion means nothing to him, he just wants bang bang bang.

Change Annie's name to Rachel, and you have their whole relationship.

2. Harvey Specter - Planning a coup by trying to take Jessica's spot. It looks like he's getting handled by Cameron, so Jessica helps him out on the case and tries to extend an olive branch. But he realizes that Cameron set him up so that Ava would bribe Nick. Luckily, he is going to go and convince Nick, even though they can't find him. Harvey luckily finds him in five minutes and in 30 seconds is able to convince him not to sell out Ava. Unfortunately, Cameron found him later, and reconvinced him. Still, the power team of Jessica and Harvey gets the plea settlement that they wanted. Unfortunately, Cameron works it out to have Ava plead guilty, meaning that Harvey does not get the victory. Without the victory, it seems as though there will be no coup. This was a mighty fall from last week, but he did come to his senses and bring back Mike as his protege, so the band is back together, and he can at least stay at the two spot.

3. Cameron Dennis - He sees himself as nothing more than just a fella trying to put away bad guys. He was always working three steps ahead of the game, but Harvey is always four steps ahead of the game, meaning he was still one step behind. He won the case on a technicality, but a win's a win and beating Harvey in a case, no matter how it's done, deserves credit.

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Gives a moving speech about how great of friends he and the associates were. He got his own associate, and he wants Mike Ross. Louis got after a lady with four nipples. Takes Mike out to have the best steak of his life. Louis flashes Mike, so maybe instead of wanting him as his associate in the office, he wanted him to be his associate in life. He even makes some late night visits to charm him. Finally, it looks like Louis is going to get the object of his desire (as well as the number one spot on these rankings), as him and Mike like the same chick flicks, but Harvey swoops in at the last second and high-fives Mike back onto his side. He throws his cake into the trash, which is actually a wise decision, because if not, he definitely would have ate away his depression which would not make him an attractive mentor for his potential protege.

5. Rachel Zane - Constantly turns down Mike for sex at the office. Then she found out that Harvey got Mike to withhold the truth from her. She straight up goes no mercy on Donna by telling her that she has no life. That was her real power move of the episode. She loses points for the end when she gives Mike a choice on whether he wants her advice or he wants sex. Uh, yeah, not exactly a hard (no pun intended) decision. Ladies, when the option is sex or...the answer is always sex. You could save yourself time by just offering sex with no alternative.

6. Jessica Pearson - Jessica had no clue, but she was literally helping Harvey win her job by helping him on the case. Then she tries to make amends on the roof, but Harvey will still not forgive her. She did some snazzy lawyering, but with everybody working behind her back, it's hard to put her up higher on these rankings.

7. Ava Hessington - Was caught on camera giving out a bribe. Then got betrayed by her protege. She won by paying out $50 million and admitting guilt, so, um, I guess, congratulations? 

8. Donna Paulsen - Puts Rachel in her place for asking her to make Harvey love Mike again. She was all like "Helllllll Nawwwwww," and Rachel was super sad. Then she breaks the news that she didn't think that Rachel and Mike should be together. This does not make Rachel sad, this made Rachel angry, and she made Donna feel like her life was a waste, because she was an old broad with no life. That is no way to make your way to the top of the rankings.

9. Nick - Selling out Ava to save his own ass. Luckily he is easily convinced to make 180 degree turns, and Harvey turns his 180 into a 360 to put him back on Ava's side, but Cameron made him do another 180, so now he pulled off a 540. If he could do that on a dunk, it'd be impressive, but in his twisted world, he lost his sweet job where he was #2 in a company that pays out $50 million like it's spare change, so yeah, I would say he is the big loser this week. Hopefully she hires Harold to be her new #2. That man knows something about loyalty.

Suits Power Rankings - The Arrangement

Suits is back, ya'll. And this has me very excited. Suits is a strangely addicting show, and I have become more and more in love with it. It used to trail Franklin and Bash as the best lawyer show on TV, but it has not only surpassed it, it has now blown it out of the water (ocean water, not hot tub water). So when we last left, Pearson Hardman was merging with some British lawyer mill, Harvey was pissed, and Mike admitted to Rachel that he was a fraud, but then he started making sweet, sweet love to her (Note: It is much more effective to lie about being a lawyer than telling the truth about not being a lawyer when trying to pick up women in a bar atmosphere, but props to Mike for using a little reverse psychology).

These rankings used to be just for lawyers. Then they expanded to include one non-lawyer, and because of the success of these rankings, I will show my power by expanding again by including all people in these rankings. Let's face it, Rachel is close to being a lawyer, and Donna could be one if she just one day decided to pull a Mike Ross. Power to the ladies, ya'll. Now onto this week's rankings:

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey closes Deron Williams deal in the most ridiculous way ever. HE ASKED FOR TRIPLE? There is a max salary in the NBA. That means the Nets offered somewhere around $6 million, and Williams was going to take it had Harvey not stepped in to get him max money. Sadly, I will be getting into this storyline four more times before these rankings are finished. He charmed the crap out of Scotty and got her to help him out. Harvey then puts Mike into his place by teaching him about loyalty. He even has Donna basically repeat the loyalty speech just in case his voice was a few too octaves low for Mike to understand. Harvey does a lot of backhanded things to every single person around him, but damn if everybody doesn't love the guy. Harvey takes the Ava Hessington case, but only if it gets him out of his non-compete clause. Psych. He is actually using it to take over Jessica's spot as managing partner.

2. Mike Ross - Mike Ross dreams of Rachel, but it is of her exposing him. I also have dreams of Rachel, but it is usually of both of us exposing ourselves, and I am always saddened to wake from it. Mike Ross lied, cheated, and stole his way to the top, and now he's got his own fancy office. This is indisputable proof that Eddie Guerrero would have been the best lawyer ever. He framed poor Benjamin from IT, but it did get him what he wants so he could help out Harvey and win his friendship back. Still, Mike Ross came back strong and seduced Rachel while holding onto his job, so win-win for him.

3. Edward Darby - He also has 51% of Pearson Darby, and he's going to use that to overpower Jessica at every chance he gets. I am not sure whether he does the same thing in relationships, because the man has the proper base to be a very effective power bottom. He is also making a deal with Harvey where he gets Harvey's best work on a case that he cares about and really doesn't care if Harvey is Managing Partner instead of Jessica, because Darby will still have 51%.

4. Richard Jensen - One of the best District Attorneys around. He's a buddy of Harvey's since the old days and makes a good point about bonds being strong enough to survive a simple no. But he only said that, because he's trying to break Hessington's oil company to get more money for his campaign from their number one competitor. Then he puts Cameron on the case to muck up everything while he remains squeaky clean. Classic politician move.

5. Barbara L. Tottingham - Nigel Alexander Nesbitt used a fake name to destroy Louis. First he took away his pens, then his bran bars, and finally, his beloved associates. Louis deserves all of this, but damnit, if my patriotism doesn't make me automatically dislike foreigners while siding with their American counterparts. I know this is ignorant on my part, but...America, god damnit.

6. Dana Scott - She gets charmed by Harvey, but she does get a first class flight to Trinidad/Tobago out of helping him out.

7. Generic Brooklyn Nets General Manager - OFFERED DERON WILLIAMS $6 MILLION A YEAR? Prokhorov is going to have your ass on that one. Still, he would have won that deal had Jessica been handling the negotiations.

8. Rachel Zane - Keeps a very tidy apartment. She wants Mike to quit his job so he can live an honest life. Then he gives her full honesty, and she gives up the goods. She was more just a pretty little thing than a strong, young female, so that is why she is so low on this list. Still very purty, though.

9. Mark Cuban - Illegally negotiating with Deron Williams during the season. That's tampering, and David Stern is not going to be happy about this.

10. Donna Paulsen - She tricked Louis into looking like Hitler. But really, it was not a strong episode for her. Her advice to Louis ended up being terrible, and Mike just ignored her when she gave her speech about loyalty and did what he already set out to do.

11. Utah Jazz General Manager - Apparently signed Deron Williams to a contract that could be terminated in the middle of the season. He must have been counting on some sort of Mormon Honor Code.

12. Louis Marlo Litt - You forgot his last name was Marlo, didn't you? I sure didn't, and that is why he will keep that name for as long as this show continues. He both started and ended this episode looking like a fool. He opened by resembling a certain German Dictator and ended it with bran bars and pens but no associates. Not a good time to have the middle name Marlo.

13. Benjamin - Oh, Benjamin. Clearly, he has never watched an action hero movie, as he was the bad guy who revealed his evil plan before executing it, and the good guy ended up destroying him because of it. He also lost part of his sandwich.

14. Jessica Pearson - She wanted Deron Williams to take $6 million a year and thought Harvey was crazy for wanting max money. That is some awfully poor lawyering, Jessica. I'm now 95% sure that Jessica handled the Andrei Kirilenko signing. She did give a pretty good pump up speech to Mike, although mentioning going to Harvard is probably not the best thing to say to a guy who lied about going to Harvard. She then gets punked out by Mike Ross where he points out Mutually Assured Destruction to her to make sure she doesn't mess with him. Also, she might be losing her job to Harvey. Yes, sadly, she had a worse time than Benjamin.

Not Ranked:
Harold - Even though he is the best.

Suits Power Rankings: Week 2 - Blood in the Water

Well, this preview is late, and for that, I apologize, but what better way to get ready for an episode tonight than getting all caught up on last week's action? Who did the best lawyering last week? Well, that's what I'm here to answer, as I have an expert legal mind when it comes to dramatic lawyer shows that go over very little actual lawyering. I may not have a law degree, but I do have the Law & Order theme on my phone, so, yeah, I'd say I'm more than qualified.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey shows up on time for once, only to learn he may be losing a top internet client. Harvey is obsessed with not losing a client, because he may lose his client with the coolest name, Trent Devin.  Harvey is all up in Louis's face, because of all the stress throughout the firm. He calls him out for all of his shit, and makes Louis look like a real bitch. It's a classic power move, although it actually backfires on him as Louis is ready to leave the firm. After getting scolded by Jessica, he makes the least amount of effort possible to retain Louis, and Louis takes it as the greatest gesture ever. That's manipulation at its best. At its next best is convincing a client to let him look over the new deal, so he could prove that it was too good to be true. No losing clients for Harvey, although Jessica still won't put his name on the wall.

2. Jessica Pearson - She's all hot and bothered, and not in the good way, because the firm is losing clients. She actually showed some heart when Louis came to her looking for a way out. She reassured Louis and kept him in the firm by being nice, because even though she signed the sheet, she still hoped they could retain Louis. She made Harvey be nice to Louis, because he has to prove himself to get his name next to hers. She made a strong case for being number one this week, but she talked trash about Michael Jordan, and that is unacceptable.

3. Jimmy - He screwed over Pearson Hardman, got fired, and ended up with a better job. Now he's got an office, and his firm is taking people from his old employer. He's got enough money to buy Mike beers. Life is good for Jimmy. Even though he was kind of a scumbag back in the day, Jimmy is likable, and that's a good combination for lawyering. Plus, he now gets to work with Harold, which may be the greatest spinoff show of all time.

4. Harold Jakowski - He put in too much toner in the copier, but that was the least of his worries. His second biggest worry is that he did a kickass job on everything Louis asked him to do, but still got fired since they lost the client. Harold believes he would have been much better off had he known Mike at Harvard, but little does he know that he would have just had easy access to weed had that been the case.  His biggest worry was that he got a shark tattoo that looks like a manatee. Luckily, he got a job at another law firm. Don't ever stop Harolding, Harold.

5.Louis Litt - First he messed with Jessica Pearson, and now he is messing with Harold. This is not good kharma, which may be causing him to lose clients. He set up a meeting with the evil Allison Holt to try and jump ship. Unfortunately, he showed how worthless he was before asking for things, which is not the best negotiation strategy. He first aided Mike and helped him find the problem in the deal that was too good to be true for Trent's company. Although he left his resignation letter on the desk, it was impossible to believe in it. Louis is a dog that is just desperate for a bone, and Harvey gave him that by ripping up his resignation letter. Louis has now forgotten all the mean shit that everyone has done to him (some of it deserved) and is fully on board with Pearson Hardman.

6. Mike Ross - He starts the episode by vacuuming up all of his weed, which seems like a silly thing to do. They established that Harvey smokes weed last season, so there is a baseline for doing that. He's just acting emotional, because he slept with some dude's wife. He could have smoked some of that weed to take away from the pain of getting his ass kicked by Tess's husband.. A real lawyer would have tied him up in a rhetoric battle instead of a physical battle. He did save himself by getting Harold a new job, because Harold is the best.

7. Allison Holt - She's still an icy cold broad, who says she does her own thing, but Harvey and Jessica don't trust her. She gave Louis the hard sell on jumping ship, because he negotiated like a child. That was some good lawyering. Unfortunately, she got hardcore outlawyered by Harvey, and that's bad lawyering.

8. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN still has his name on the wall, WHAT!

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Donna Paulsen - She's on the ball on everything. Her acting a little bit scared makes Harvey scared. That's kind of wild that she literally can control Harvey's feelings. She is the puppet master. Make sure to get her coffee, because despite being all-powerful, she loves a good latte.

Suits Power Rankings: Blind-Sided

Hey everybody, Suits is back! I'm very excited about this. Last time this show was on, I had to compare their best lawyers against the best from Franklin and Bash. But there's no FandB now, so it is time to strictly focus on Suits. This is also good, because Suits took a big step forward, while FandB took a big step back. As always, these are lawyer power rankings, so if you don't practice law, you don't make the list (sorry, Donna). To keep things fresh, I will add one spot at the end for the best contribution from a non-lawyer (you're welcome, Donna). Now onto the rankings:

1. Harvey Specter - He starts off by revealing that he's been spitting game at Zoe. After spitting, he does some shitting on Louis, because he is looking to make his life hell at every opportunity. Harvey doesn't bring flowers on dates, but he does love charming young nieces. Alas, his romance was not to be, because Zoe's brother has cancer. He puts Mike in his place for being a pussy, because Harvey crushes pussies. Not the strongest week, but he did enough to keep himself in the top spot.

2. Katrina Bennett - She's not messing around, as she comes out guns-a-blazin. She wants to take Harvey head-on, but she only said that to get a job with Pearson Hardman. Harvey laughs at her feeble plan until Mike messes everything up, and Harvey does end up hiring her. She had a plan, executed it poorly, but still won. Good for her.

3. Jessica Pearson - She is pissed about Mike Ross giving her headaches, because he never attended Harvard. She takes it out on Louis, just to show her dominance.

4. Harold Jakowski - Harold didn't make an appearance in this episode, but I don't want the world to forget how awesome he is. I hope Harold becomes Louis's associate.

5. Daniel Hardman - At least the law firm is not just called Pearson. That's a win for HARDMAN.

6. Zoe Lawford - Getting wooed by Harvey, but her brother is dying of cancer, so she has to adopt her niece. If she was a great lawyer, she could have at least negotiated a settlement with cancer. Harvey would totally beat cancer's ass in court.

7. Louis Litt - Spitting game at Female Louis, but he better bring his coconut oil, ski mask and duck tape. He get his his kinky on once he announces that "Punctuality is the best aphrodisiac." He found the associate of his dreams, but then he got treated like a bitch by Jessica, and then he lost his associate and his lady for being a bitch. Strong start, but a really awful ending for him. Louis needs to jump on the Harold train to recover for next week.

8. Mike Ross - Starts off smoking weed and banging married chicks. He is able to prove that Albert Chung is nothing but a no good thug who tags walls. Unfortunately, he is the worst negotiator ever, as the Chung family only wanted 20 grand, but he gave them 100 grand. Then he starts acting like a bitch, because his client gets high and hits graffiti artists with his car, like that's not America's pastime. He violates client-attorney privilege, but still doesn't get what he wanted. Then he turns down the half-naked lady in his bed to top everything off. Things really went downhill for Mike in this episode.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - She's not a lawyer yet, so she qualifies for this lower list. She started off sad, because Mike bangs other chicks. Then she gets pissed at Mike for having an affair, because she had an affair too and apparently affairs are a bad idea. She claims that she is no goody-goody, and that Mike has no idea what he passed up on. One thing is for sure, I'm all boned up over here. Peace out.

Suits Power Rankings: Season 2 Finale

So here we are. After a full season of coverage on lawyers who play by their own rules, it has come down to nothing more than one final episode of Suits. It is sad to see them go, but Suits definitely went out on a high note. Check out last week's rankings here. Now onto our final rankings:

1. Mike Ross - Mike is super sad about his grandma passing. By passing, I mean she died, not that she became quarterback of an NFL team. He would have probably been pretty happy about that. But he decides that it is time to get happy as he buys some of that wacky tobacky. Doesn't Mike the Lawyer know that weed is a gateway drug? It is a gateway to yelling at your boss and getting sent home early, so you can smoke weed, and then the next day, two hot chicks will want to have sexy time with you. Oh yeah, and then your boss will party with you where you will decide it is a great idea to piss in your enemy's office. So that is why you should not smoke mariju...um, wait a second...does anybody where I can get some weed?

On top of all of that, he helps get Hardman fired by putting his signature on a document which totally fooled all of them Harvard educator law dogs. He celebrates with more weed and sex. Great job, Mike.

2. Harvey Specter - Harvey wants to leave the firm, but non-compete clauses. Harvey lost his office and is coming after Hardman. Harvey smokes weed from the coffee cart guy. "Harvey Specter doesn't get cotton mouf" may be my favorite line from the entire season. He can eat entire bags of pretzels when stoned. Harvey also admitted to pissing in Louis's office back in the day. Weed also makes him a better lawyer, because he figured out that Hardman framed him on the Coastal Motors case. Donna didn't screw up, which does make a lot more sense. Harvey beats Tanner into telling him the memo was fake. He uses this information to get Hardman fired, because he cost all of the partners $100,000, so I'm kind of surprised he wasn't murdered. All is well with the world.

3. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN is cool as a cucumber on this vote. HARDMAN is taking over as managing partner. It is good to be HARDMAN. He is even being all nice to Harvey to his face, but he's coming after Harvey. He sends Louis to get dirt on Harvey, and then requires drug tests for everyone, because they knew that Harvey had smoked weed. They were ready to fire Harvey when he had the tables turned and lost his job when they found out about his evil plan to take control of the firm. He leaves by saying this isn't the last page of this story. And I know he loses in the end, but he totally played by his own rules the entire time, so he deserves to be ahead of the next person on this list.

4. Jessica Pearson - Jessica loses the vote, but is staying firm at the firm and waiting for a moment to strike. She stays calm, which is a wise move instead of making a rash decision while she was angry. She stays cool and just kind of stays out of the way until Harvey finds a way to get her back as Managing Partner.

5. Louis Litt - Louis is going to try to help Hardman get rid of Harvey. Louis is treating Harvey like his bitch, getting him to do his leg work, and then making him second chair on his case. It's a really great time to be Louis. Then Donna makes him sad by telling him that he's a piece of shit, but he recovers, has Harvey dead to rights with the drug tests, but since Harvey never loses, he wins again, and Louis is left without any friends in the office. But he's still Senior Partner; they can't take that away from him.

6. Travis Tanner - Fights Harvey and also declines to answer a lot until telling Harvey that the memo was a fraud. Still, he got some good punches in, which may be the biggest loss that Harvey has ever experienced, so good for him.

7. Paul Porter - Took Harvey's office. But now that Hardman is no longer in power, he will probably be giving it back.

8. Harold - Where was Harold this episode? Probably smoking weed and having a ninesome with eight Perfect Ten models. What, you don't know what a ninesome with models is like? You should ask Harold about it. Holler playa!

And so ends this season of Suits. But hey, new episodes start in January, so we will not have to wait long to find out that Harold has gone from Associate to Managing Partner at Pearson-Harold, because, yes, I assume his name is Harold Harold.