Suits Power Rankings - Litt the Hell Up

Last week, the greatest moment ever happened, and the internet rejoiced. This week could not possibly be as momentous, or could it? Well, Suits tweeted this out to the number one fan (and there number two through number 100,000 fan).

@HottJoe When lines are crossed -- both in work and love -- who'll have most exposure? Rachel? The firm? Mike? Louis's codpiece?
— Suits (@Suits_USA) July 23, 2014

Still, it is clear that I matter to the people at Pearson Specter. But this week still had a tough act to follow. The number one guy on this list did his best by screwing over everyone that he saw. It could be the greatest single week performance in Suits history. Let's get to it.

1. Charles Forstman - When Louis was able to nullify the deal for the Wexler shares, Forstman was there to scoop them up. So Harvey tried to come in his office like a big swinging dick with a fancy car and some leverage, but Forstman had already taken his leverage, and Harvey was so flustered that he left the keys to his car. Harvey probably had to walk home after their meeting to avoid the embarrassment of going back upstairs.

But that's all great for his new buddy, Mike Ross, right? NOPE, because Forstman plays by his own rules, so he sold all of his shares to Louis, mostly because he loves screwing people over.

So this is good for Louis, right? NOPE. Forstman knows that Pearson Specter are being investigated by the SEC, so he sets up a shady deal to get them in trouble, so the hammer is about to fall so hard on Louis.

Well, at least Jonathan Sidwell came out unscathed? Haha, nope on that one too. He told Sidwell that Mike was ready to screw him over in order to make the deal, so Sidwell lost a friend and had to fire Mike. So, yes, that does mean that Forstman double screwed over Mike Ross. I would not be surprised if Forstman sends Mike a video of him banging Rachel just to hammer home the point of how much he doesn't give a shit.

2. Sean Cahill - Cahill brings in Logan Sanders just so he can bust Harvey's balls. Days are pretty slow at the SEC, so he likes to pull these pranks to help pass the time.

3. Louis Litt - Louis is in a good mood, and that means personalized mugs for everyone. They are personalized with his own slogan, but that's still personalized. There is nobody better than him at finding flaws in legal documents. Unfortunately, he's also the best at messing up Harvey's world. I've seen less shitting on people in German Scat Films than Harvey has done to Louis this season. Louis has basically turned into Harold, and if Pearson Specter needed a Harold, they should really just get Harold. So how is Louis still this high? Well, he got the deal done, and Harvey forgave him for everything and even said that Forstman got Litt the Hell Up. A reasonable person could say that he broke laws in order to close the deal, but that hasn't come back to haunt him yet, and since nobody has ever gotten away with the most minor mistake (outside of Mike Ross not having a law degree), Louis is probably due for some good luck. I doubt we even revisit this little snafu in the future.

4. Jessica Pearson - Jessica puts the hammer down on Harvey to end the big deal. Then she goes behind her bangpiece's back to have Louis clean up his mess. I know Louis gets shit on a lot, but I really hope that Jessica doesn't decide that he should clean up Jeff Malone's messes in the bedroom.

5. Jonathan Sidwell - Sidwell is a tough boss, but he's a fair boss. He might be the most honorable guy in investment banking history, as he just wants to trust people, but Mike tried to screw him over, and he had no choice but to fire him. Since he likes smart people who think outside of the box, he may have to stretch his search from coast to coast to find a replacement. Luckily, there is not one, but two people that would be perfect for the job.


6. Logan Sanders - Logan has mad game, and he's got power over Rachel. Logan does his deals face-to-face, especially when dealing with the current boyfriend of a love interest. This obviously backfires for him as he loses his lawyer, but Louis comes in to save the deal and get Gillis Industries for him. Still, Harvey did try to drop him as a client so he could represent Mike. I can't imagine Logan is going to be too keen on sticking around unless he's sticking it to an associate.

7. Rachel Zane - Has a sad cab ride and keeps notes from ex-boyfriends. She also reminisces about the old times where she was a sexy little scamp up to nothing but mischief. Then she makes out with her ex-boyfriend to pull off the bad girlfriend trifecta (there are probably worse trifectas out there for girlfriends, but this is still bad). Rachel is the worst at cheating as she immediately tells the first person she runs into. She also gets into Mike's head, ruins the buyout deal, and then Mike loses his job. Next week, she will dump Mike and tell him that she poisoned his Grandma. WHOOPSIES.

8. Donna Paulsen - She gives Harvey bad news and then gets bad news out of Rachel. She gave Rachel advice, but she wasn't specific enough, so Rachel screws it up. She should have known better. If you tell Rachel to pick up some Chinese food, she'll be back in a week after a trip to China. You have to tell her to just call the delivery place down the street or she will take the path of most resistance.

9. Harvey Specter - Harvey is the prettiest girl at the dance, and he's got Mike and Logan fighting for his love, but he didn't let them profess their love enough and just chose Mike, which seems silly. Also, he got totally owned by Charles Forstman, and that owning could continue for weeks. Let's just hope it wasn't raining when he was walking home after forgetting his keys.

10. Katrina Bennett - Just doing some filing in the library. Another exciting Thursday night for Katrina.

11. Jeff Malone - He is confident in his skills, and he refuses to look over his work. He has good reason to be as he is better than 99% of all lawyers. Unfortunately, that may make him the worst lawyer at Pearson Specter. His deal for shares is null and void, so let's hope that doesn't happen to his romantic deal with Jessica.

12. Amy - Does not know how to do dress professionally, may lose her job by association.

13. Mike Ross - Mike felt really good early on. It looked like he was finally going to close on the Gillis Industries purchase. But he let his woman convince him to stick it to Logan Sanders, and since he didn't close the deal right then and there, he ended up losing everything. He lost the deal, he lost his job, and his girlfriend is making out with other dudes, so he may want to tell her to get lost too. It's not a great time to be Mike Ross.

14. Walter Gillis - Has anyone even told him that he lost his company? 

Suits Power Rankings - Two in the Knees

This season of Suits is basically a Triple H WrestleMania match. You see each guy hitting his finisher over and over with tons of false finishes, and it is really exciting, but after you see it repeatedly, it can really lose its luster. That is what Harvey has been relying on throughout this show. He keeps saying that he has everything figured out, and it's over, but 1...2...and the shoulder pops up and something else happens. What Harvey needs to do is hit his finisher three consecutive times, because nobody gets up from that. He could even stand over Mike's Body with one foot much like Ultimate Warrior did to Macho Man at WrestleMania VII. Anyway, that's why I'm way more into the Malone/Pearson/Litt love triangle than the main plot from this season. For last week's rankings, click here. Now onto this week's power rankings:

1. Jeff Malone - Jeff never misses a Knicks game, so he turns down the ballet, even though, let's face it, there are probably more skilled athletes in the ballet. He's running a triangle offense with Louis and Jessica, but this triangle may turn into a menage a trois. Jeff goes along with Louis thinking he's gay to get closer to Jessica, but his main goal is to get primo help on his case. That help pays off as Jessica finds the call that will clear their client's name. Unfortunately, that gets Jeff Malone all boned up, but he couldn't get the nookie. But this man doesn't stop, and I admire his sticktoitiveness. It will serve him well as he earns his money by crushing anything the SEC throws at him.

2. Jessica Pearson - Jessica tricked Jeff into becoming best friends with Louis, and she doesn't want to waste her time hanging with Jeff Malone. Still, they make a great team, but they have to keep it in their pants. Jeff Malone's a hunk, but her firm is making her a giant hunk of cash, and that is something she does not want to give up for a premium slampiece.

3. Harvey Specter - He has a restaurant for everything he does. First dates, before a Yankees game, after a round of golf with Jordan, and, oh yeah, when he threatens large banks so they will stop funding his opponents. Variety is the spice of life, man. He does tell Walter that Mike basically killed his son. It was basically the equivalent  of when Darryl Kile died in his hotel room with marijuana in his system, and Cubs fans equated it to Kile supporting terrorism. Also, I know that we are supposed to believe that Harvey's Father's tapes are some sort of jazz music, but I know 8 mm pornography film when I see it. Mike had no intention of keeping the tapes; he just wanted a romantic movie night with Rachel. Still, I could see why Harvey was so intent on wanting to remaster the action.

4. Rachel Zane - She is supposed to ask a favor from her boyfriend to save his future. Instead, she asks the favor from her ex-boyfriend, which I am sure her obsessive current boyfriend will be totally cool with. Also, she was totally in the right this week. She should not have to give Mike all the details of past relationships. What kind of creep even wants to know that type of stuff? Plus, she was super tired and just wanted to get some sleep; I totally understand that feeling. More than true love, she needs to find her true sleep number.

5. Logan Sanders - He wants to fight dirty, which means a private investigator looking into Mike Ross, but his old flame asks him to back off, so he does, because he still plans on winning her heart and panties back. His best work was in his past when he reasoned with his wife that he wasn't sleeping by Rachel by noting that she was just a paralegal. "Honey, why would I be interested in that incredibly hot chick? She doesn't even have a law degree. Hashtag, too stupid to fuck." Logan Sanders was way ahead of his time on using hashtags in everyday conversation.

6. Danyel H - Just crushing #SuitsLive. Last week, #1, this week, #3. As much as this person loves Suits, they love their cat even more. Good on you, Danyel H. Can't wait to see your score next week.

7. Donna Paulsen - She uses her wisdom to encourage Mike to be a good dude. She also spreads the gossip around to make sure that everyone stays happy. She was basically Tinkerbell in her way to sprinkle wisdom upon all that crossed her path.

8. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis invites dudes to the ballet, but he also will go out of his way to help out his friends. Louis sees the homoeroticism in all sports. His sexuality is overcoming the entire office, so everyone is sexually turned on by him. He has to break Jeff's heart. Unfortunately, he then finds out that Jeff was lying, and it broke his heart. Louis needs to start looking for companions on Tinder.

9. Eric Woodall - Seven subpoenas starting tomorrow.

10. Mike's Assistant - I feel like we are supposed to know things about her, but she is basically a puzzle that is missing half of the pieces. I know she is sassy, that she will talk to her boss anyway she wants, and that she is a cute lady. However, I don't know her background, motivation, or even her name. You are a mystery, Mike's Assistant.

11. Vernon - He's just a banker dude who hates Brussels sprouts.

12. Walter Gillis - His son died because of drugs, so he hates drug dealers. He thought The Wire was overrated and couldn't even watch Weeds.

13. Mike Ross - Mike tries to take advantage of his tired girlfriend in the worst way possible, by finding out about her ex-boyfriend. I could come up with about 7,000 ways I would rather take advantage of Rachel, and that's without including anything sexual (I have lots of law questions that I cannot afford to ask). Mike is basically a psychotic boyfriend in that he researches his girlfriend and her ex-boyfriends, and then gets mad at her for not telling him everything about her past relationship. Not a good look for you, Mikey.

Suits Power Rankings - Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner

I don't like to be negative, but last week's performances were pretty weak. I was afraid that these New York Hot Shots had turned into a bunch of Podunk Skunks. But this week quelled my concerns as they were going back and forth like Ali and Frazier. You can check out last week's rankings here, and here are this week's rankings:

1. Logan Sanders - Back in the day, he didn't treat his wife or his mistress very well, but he's learned from his mistakes. He now respects women. Logan Sanders respects women so hard. He respects the shit out of women. He respects women so much that he tells the boyfriends of his former lovers how he used to turn their old lady over and thrust her until completion. Sometimes, he just can't help it, and he explodes with respect all over women's faces. What a great guy.

2. Harvey Specter - Gets owned by Mike and is scared of Jessica. Things were looking pretty bleak for Harvey for a second straight week, but he came back, and he came back so strong. He blew off his lunch with Jeff Malone, and then got inside Mike's head, turned the head of the union, and made Mike look like a bitch. But his confidence got the best of him. Where he could have had this deal done for $20 million and a happy client, he now has to fight. Harvey could have closed this easily had he just gone above Mike's head to Sidwell and told him about the offer who would have accepted it without Mike even having a chance to convince him otherwise. You have to play to win, not play to win the right way.

3. Mike Ross - Subpoenas Harvey while he was eating a bagel like a bitch. Everybody knows hot dogs are for winners. Then he owns Harvey in front of the judge, which must have been super satisfying. But things got bad for him when he gave up what he wanted to do with the company. Still, he recovered, and even though he made Walter Gillis super sad that he won't be able to expand, he's back in the fight, and he will do anything to beat the man that penetrated his girlfriend years ago.

4. Jessica Pearson - She actually scared Harvey, so impressive work there, but Harvey still didn't do what she wanted him to, so she definitely loses some points there. She has refrained from banging one of the partners in the law firm, so congratulations on three days of not putting your company in Jeopardy, Jessica. Still, I can't punish her for future sins, and who could blame her? Jeff Malone is a hunk.

5. Jeff Malone - Got himself a fancy new job at Pearson Specter and managed to work with Louis instead of fighting with him. He did lose his corner office, but he got an office next to his bangpiece, and this is a man who values convenience over prestige. Gotta respect that.

6. Donna Paulsen - Calls out Harvey for being a ball-less coward, so that was some much needed sass from her. Unfortunately, Donna searches the trash to find out gossip around the office, which she considers her edge. Still she needs something to fill the pages of her diary, and the romance between Jessica and Jeff should take up a few chapters.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis worked really hard on his presentation, but it was too late. Jeff Malone is a partner and he's already taking some of Louis's cases. Sometimes the only one he can trust is his pussy diary, which is very different than my own personal pussy journal (which is mostly filled with hypotheticals and blank pages). Louis has interesting culinary tastes for his meals, as he says he eats cock for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The most important part of that is that he has the same thing three times a day. Variety is the spice of life, Litt. Louis finally does get that variety when he gets a corner office, and the best news is he doesn't need his diary, for this triumph belongs in his Dictaphone for permanent inspiration.

8. Pete - He's the head of the union, so he's got to protect his people. He doesn't care who gives him half a billion dollars, as long as he gets that money. He's a lot like me in that way.

9. Katrina Bennett - She is the number one cheerleader. She also does a nice job of moving furniture.

10. Walter Gillis - He threw a tantrum about having to spend an extra $500 million. That actually seems pretty reasonable to me.

11. Todd - Got tricked into thinking he had a heart attack. Also, he has never been helped off the ground, as anyone who has tried has just slipped off due to his excessive hand lotion.

12. Rachel Zane - Always comes in late for work. Rachel gets mad at Mike for not taking the deal, because now this battle is going to continue. This wouldn't be as big of an issue if she hadn't said this after this has been going on for TWO WHOLE DAYS. Rachel really hasn't done anything as Harvey's associate, and if she doesn't step it up soon to help him destroy Mike, she needs to be replaced. I'm not sure if any of you were paying attention, but there was a paper peaking out on Harvey's desk, and it was two resumes for a new associate. Those prospects' names? Jared Franklin and Peter Bash. Also, this is their entire resume:

Suits Power Rankings - One-Two-Three Go...

It's been a long time. Two whole months since the last season of Suits ended. Are they slowly getting us ready for this to be a year-round show? Oh God, I hope so. They could definitely fit in some Harold-based episodes if that was the case. We could see how Scotty's doing at her new firm. Life would be pretty grand. But anyway, Suits is back. Important things to remember: Harvey dumped Scotty, Mike dumped Harvey, Louis dumped Sheila, and Harold took a dump on the government investigators. So yeah, this show's the shit. Before we get started with the power rankings, I'd just like to point out that this season opened with everyone banging. Just going from scene to scene with different people getting their freak on. It was amazing. Now, onto the sexually charged rankings.

1. Mike Ross - Mike really struggled lately in these rankings. He just didn't have what it takes to be a consistent top performer, but that all changed with his new job. He started off slow when he thought he had a good deal, because it was going to make 30% profit? Ha, what a loser. That might be good in any business that has ever existed, but this is hedge funds, and that's only considered a single in this biz. Still, he had swagger. Even with those singles, he was willing to talk trash to both Harvey and Donna, because nobody makes fun of his vests without paying the consequences. Mike was hoping that Harvey would put Rachel hard to work on his proposal so he didn't have to go to the Daft Punk concert, but Harvey stayed one step ahead and gave her the afternoon off to give them enough time for dinner and a crappy concert. Old Mike would have took that, but new Mike is having none of it as he starts looking for new lawyers who are willing to go along with his big plan. Then Mike uses his heart of gold to convince Gillis that he is the man who should buy out his company. Mike crushed things this week. The only real issue was that Harvey is still coming, along with Logan Sanders's money and his golden dong (we'll get to that later).

2. Jessica Pearson - I thought Jessica didn't want to hire Jeff Malone, because Jeff was only her fourth favorite Malone athlete behind Moses, Karl, and obviously first place goes to Sam Malone. But it turns out that Jeff Malone has been giving her the business well before he wanted to join her business. She ends up hiring him and banging him, although the order gets a little blurry their towards the end. Still, good on her for getting some and finally making a diversity hire, so now somebody else can use her blacks-only bathroom.

3. Jonathan Sidwell - He doesn't give a shit about people's jobs. He cares about money. This is a hedge fund, not some bitch-ass law firm. But he also doesn't want to spend money to make money. He just wants the money to appear magically. It's a brilliant business plan if it works, and I might just implement it myself. Finally, he decides to give up a little money, but if he doesn't make a 6,000,000,000% profit, he'll be a little bummed out.

4. Logan Sanders - He wants to purchase Gillis Industries, just like Mike. He already rented something that Mike is currently trying to own when Logan banged Rachel while he was married, and he managed to do that before he got his shit together. I know that may make him seem like a bad dude, but what if Rachel was one of the five girls on his list that he was allowed to bang? Then he is just a guy playing within the rules. He also says a lot of cliches, and Harvey loves cliches.

5. Jeff Malone - He is a beast, a real hotshot at the SEC. He is using that to get a job at Pearson-Specter. Unfortunately, Harvey didn't vet him, because apparently it's some SEC that is based in New York, and not the South Eastern Conference. Jeff may be impressive, but he doesn't have that SEC speed, and even though he knows about offense, he needs to beef up his defense if he wants to compete against the Alabamas of the world. But he has an ace in the hole in that he's throwing it deep in Jessica, which is the best way to get a good opportunity in this job market.

6. Dana Scott - She's at her new job, likely trying to help her client who is trying to leverage their 4.9% share of Gillis Industries into buying the whole thing.

7. Donna Paulsen - She tried to convince Harvey to be nice to Mike, but she failed at that mission. She was right in the end, and Harvey even admitted it. That makes this the most exciting week in Donna's diary since she was sleeping with a war criminal.

8. Harvey Specter - He had a morning meeting, aka a bang session. Luckily he wasn't too tired to purposely ignore Mike's first big idea from his new job. Unofrtunately, things went downhill fast from there. Since he ignored that offer, it meant that Mike had to look for other lawyers, which led to Mike not taking priority when another client came in with the same idea. So now Mike is no longer his client, and he had to tell two women that they were right. It was a rough week for Harvey. At least he never called the girl before the girl called him.

9. Katrina Bennett - She finds out the same information as Louis. She also uses photoshop to make business cards for him. She does have a boyfriend, which leads me to...

10. Harold Gunderson - He is clearly Katrina's boyfriend. I can't believe they weren't a part of the bang montage at the beginning of the episode, but Harold gonna Harold, ya'll. Oh, and I'm going to guess that he's also trying to help his client buy Gillis Industries.

11. Rachel Zane - She is Harvey's new associate, and she has yet to figure out how to be clever around him. She got to go see Daft Punk, but Mike had a bad attitude, so she did not "Get Lucky." The good news is that she did bang a married guy, but sadly, she did it before he got his head on straight, so she banged him while he was still a loser instead of the CEO to a billion dollar corporation. That's not a good look on you, Rachel. Not a good look at all.

12. Louis Marlo Litt - Drinking prune smoothies (Prunies) to keep up that geriatric energy. He decided to wait for the pretty girl (Harvey and Jessica) to call him for the first time in his life, and that girl ended up taking someone else to Prom (Handle the case that is being built by the SEC). His dreams of becoming a name partner appear to be getting a busy signal.

13. Walter Gillis - Walter is the most easily convinced human being on the planet. He doesn't want to sell his distribution plants until Mike offers him something larger than what he expected. 30 seconds later, they're sold. He doesn't want to sell the whole thing, until 90 seconds later, and now he's game to give it up, because Mike brought up a bunch of dead people. I wish Walter was real. I'd just start naming dead presidents and could probably walk out with a million dollars.